hard week
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Join Date: May 2013
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hard week
It's nothing compared to what many people are dealing with here, but I've had a hard week and I don't even understand what has felt so hard about this week in particular. As I've posted about here before, my AH appears to be in recovery (going to AA regularly). We're living apart and I'm feeling out this who new world of isms and recovery. Al anon has been essential to me. The last few times I've seen my husband he seemed better and has started to really be able to talk to me about this situation which was a huge relief. But with that relief came hope and maybe expectations. I tried to ask my husband for some emotional help this week and wow did it backfire. They were terrible conversations on both of our ends. The details don't matter but it sent me churning, and I was no longer able to feel any of the serenity I've been able to access off and on over the last stretch of time. And now I just feel so much pain. My chest physically hurts. I hate it. I've been to a meeting today, and to the gym, and a friend is coming over later to hang out but the pain feels overwhelming. I know I just have to feel it, and take care of myself, and move forward but that feels almost impossible right now. I just wanted to share to maybe get some relief by not being alone in this pain. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Hi springs, I'm sorry you are struggling. It sounds like you are working hard. Maybe he is not emotionally strong enough to help you right now. Maybe there is someone else you can turn to. Like a friend or relative? We are rooting for you here. 
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yes pinkdog - you are right, he is probably not strong enough to be there for me (because he seems willing to be but just lost in any conversation or non-work situation that asks anything from him). Even though it is likely true, it is somehow very difficult for me to believe that I'm stronger than my husband and have been able to do more to take care of myself than he has been able/willing to do to take care of himself.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Hey Springs,
Wanted to chime in - my R?ABF (we are separated now) would dearly LOVE to be a support to me. But he can't, not even close. He can barely tie his shoes at this point.
I think you are correct - your AH is probably pretty "lost"; he has a huge, overwhelming job on his plate (seeking sobriety) and it's probably all he can handle for now.
I have had to learn all over again how to turn to my friends and family, and also to that well of strength within myself (which I totally forgot was there for a while through this chaos) for everything that I need. And it's working. I'm sure it will work for you, too.
Good luck, take care of yourself.
SQ
Wanted to chime in - my R?ABF (we are separated now) would dearly LOVE to be a support to me. But he can't, not even close. He can barely tie his shoes at this point.
I think you are correct - your AH is probably pretty "lost"; he has a huge, overwhelming job on his plate (seeking sobriety) and it's probably all he can handle for now.
I have had to learn all over again how to turn to my friends and family, and also to that well of strength within myself (which I totally forgot was there for a while through this chaos) for everything that I need. And it's working. I'm sure it will work for you, too.
Good luck, take care of yourself.
SQ
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Springs, you may think I am being "hardcore" in saying this--but, I think you may be fortunate that you and your husband are living apart during this recovery period. If I were living with my recovering A (family member), I would do anything to get away!!!!
I know this is hard to hear, but, it might be prudent to keep any hopes and expectations low--very low---because he may never become the person that you wanted him to be. Keeping your expectations low keeps you from being so disappointed--like you are now.
I have heard it said many times that if your alcoholic partner DOES recover--they will not be the same person that you knew before. Neither will we be the same person if we recover. Both people morph into different people (in many ways). New ways of thinking;new attitudes; new ways of behaving. We may, or may not, like the new person--after all.
Also, I think many of us have an idealized vision or fantasy of this wonderful, perfect partner that we believe will be there--"if he would just stop drinking". Many times, that fantasy dissolves in the light of reality.
The reason that we have to work so hard on ourselves is so that we can face and deal with whatever does happen.
I am so sorry to sound so grim. I just don't know any way to sugarcoat what I am trying to say. Also, I don't know your specifics--so I am talking in general and from my own experience.
sincerely, dandylion
I know this is hard to hear, but, it might be prudent to keep any hopes and expectations low--very low---because he may never become the person that you wanted him to be. Keeping your expectations low keeps you from being so disappointed--like you are now.
I have heard it said many times that if your alcoholic partner DOES recover--they will not be the same person that you knew before. Neither will we be the same person if we recover. Both people morph into different people (in many ways). New ways of thinking;new attitudes; new ways of behaving. We may, or may not, like the new person--after all.
Also, I think many of us have an idealized vision or fantasy of this wonderful, perfect partner that we believe will be there--"if he would just stop drinking". Many times, that fantasy dissolves in the light of reality.
The reason that we have to work so hard on ourselves is so that we can face and deal with whatever does happen.
I am so sorry to sound so grim. I just don't know any way to sugarcoat what I am trying to say. Also, I don't know your specifics--so I am talking in general and from my own experience.
sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: May 2013
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danylion - thanks. I am really working to see my husband more honestly and very much understand how I only saw the part of him that I liked as "him" and then dismissed the dark him as not "him" (I didn't know he was drinking but I didn't now he'd be different sometimes in a dark unlikable way). But I'm not good at it and it is hard to see him honestly when the situation is so murky - likely in early recovery, being fair to me financially and supporting me in getting the help and distance I need, but severely isolating himself and still keeping his problem a secret from key people in his life (all my key people know).
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by Springs 
danylion - thanks. I am really working to see my husband more honestly and very much understand how I only saw the part of him that I liked as "him" and then dismissed the dark him as not "him" (I didn't know he was drinking but I didn't now he'd be different sometimes in a dark unlikable way). But I'm not good at it and it is hard to see him honestly when the situation is so murky - likely in early recovery, being fair to me financially and supporting me in getting the help and distance I need, but severely isolating himself and still keeping his problem a secret from key people in his life (all my key people know).
Meanwhile, it's excellent that YOU are not "in hiding"! For myself, moving into the light was/is my salvation in this dark time.
I'm sorry for what we are going through. I am ((((hugging)))) you from over here!
SQ
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Springs, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also very selfishly glad you posted. One of my touch points of anger has to do with AH not being there for me when I've really needed him. The replies here help a LOT. On one level I understood he hasn't been able to be there for me (for a very, very long time), but I easily forget this and expect some kind of normalcy in our relationship. Typing that makes me laugh. Nothing about living with an alcoholic is 'normal'. They only want you to think it all is.
A couple days ago I was feeling that physical hurt and anger again. I just wanted to hold onto it and not let go. I didn't want to take care of myself or do any of the things I've learned to in keeping my own balance. Finally (maybe an hour later), while talking to myself and God, I figured I'll just be angry for the next few hours, or maybe 90 minutes or ... and suddenly it was silly to keep holding onto it and it was gone. Much better than struggling with it for days and trying to hide it, like I used to.
Hugging a tree may sound strange, but it can work. Release all your anger and negative emotions. I read about a man who decided to do that and not bring it all home to his family. I can't tell my husband to do this, but I can do it for me. You can also release all your negative feelings out your fingertips or through your feet into the ground. Just physically let it go. Think about each and every negative thing that you're holding onto and let it go right out of you. Combine this with deep breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth to help relax yourself and get more oxygen to the muscles. Then I continue with a few more deep breaths, thank God for the good things in my life and work on a plan of some positive action, even if it's going for a walk or watering the plants.
((((hugs)))) from me too.
A couple days ago I was feeling that physical hurt and anger again. I just wanted to hold onto it and not let go. I didn't want to take care of myself or do any of the things I've learned to in keeping my own balance. Finally (maybe an hour later), while talking to myself and God, I figured I'll just be angry for the next few hours, or maybe 90 minutes or ... and suddenly it was silly to keep holding onto it and it was gone. Much better than struggling with it for days and trying to hide it, like I used to.
Hugging a tree may sound strange, but it can work. Release all your anger and negative emotions. I read about a man who decided to do that and not bring it all home to his family. I can't tell my husband to do this, but I can do it for me. You can also release all your negative feelings out your fingertips or through your feet into the ground. Just physically let it go. Think about each and every negative thing that you're holding onto and let it go right out of you. Combine this with deep breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth to help relax yourself and get more oxygen to the muscles. Then I continue with a few more deep breaths, thank God for the good things in my life and work on a plan of some positive action, even if it's going for a walk or watering the plants.
((((hugs)))) from me too.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 208
Springs - you're not alone. I can relate to that awful chest pain that is your very own body telling you 'something is wrong here' - as I have it right now. Al Anon and finding a therapist (who I am off to shortly) have helped me begin a journey to getting better. I've done things to reclaim some strength. I'm not saying I'm anywhere near being ok yet, but you're not alone. Getting myself to the gym everyday despite everything is grueling but helpful. Not letting my artistic passions languish. I hear where you're coming from.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
S
Hugging a tree may sound strange, but it can work. Release all your anger and negative emotions. I read about a man who decided to do that and not bring it all home to his family. I can't tell my husband to do this, but I can do it for me. You can also release all your negative feelings out your fingertips or through your feet into the ground. Just physically let it go. Think about each and every negative thing that you're holding onto and let it go right out of you. Combine this with deep breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth to help relax yourself and get more oxygen to the muscles. Then I continue with a few more deep breaths, thank God for the good things in my life and work on a plan of some positive action, even if it's going for a walk or watering the plants.
((((hugs)))) from me too.
Hugging a tree may sound strange, but it can work. Release all your anger and negative emotions. I read about a man who decided to do that and not bring it all home to his family. I can't tell my husband to do this, but I can do it for me. You can also release all your negative feelings out your fingertips or through your feet into the ground. Just physically let it go. Think about each and every negative thing that you're holding onto and let it go right out of you. Combine this with deep breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth to help relax yourself and get more oxygen to the muscles. Then I continue with a few more deep breaths, thank God for the good things in my life and work on a plan of some positive action, even if it's going for a walk or watering the plants.
((((hugs)))) from me too.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Did the work out at the gym help, too? The biggest thing to learn is to take care of you first. If you keep working towards that, the rest will be easier. It sounds like you're working on that! 
Yoga and tai chi open energy flow (nerves, blood flow, etc) in the body; that helps also. The more I hold things inside, the harder it is to let them go. The more I practice letting go, the easier it gets.
Hug a Tree
According to researchers at the 2010 IUFRO World Forestry Congress in Seoul, hugging a tree: multiplies natural cancer-killer cells; improves mood, promotes well-being, reduces anger and in general provides natural healing effects.
---------------
It has been recently scientifically validated that hugging trees is actually good for you. Research has shown that you don't even have to touch a tree to get better, you just need to be within its vicinity has a beneficial effect.
In Blinded by Science the author Matthew Silverstone proves scientifically that trees do in fact improve many health issues such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), concentration levels, reaction times, depression and other forms of mental illness.
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I don't know how much of that is generally accepted, but it doesn't matter because it does seem to help me. Sometimes just touching the tree or leaning against it can help, if people are around and I don't want to be caught actually hugging it -- but sometimes I don't care.
Yoga and tai chi open energy flow (nerves, blood flow, etc) in the body; that helps also. The more I hold things inside, the harder it is to let them go. The more I practice letting go, the easier it gets.
Hug a Tree
According to researchers at the 2010 IUFRO World Forestry Congress in Seoul, hugging a tree: multiplies natural cancer-killer cells; improves mood, promotes well-being, reduces anger and in general provides natural healing effects.
---------------
It has been recently scientifically validated that hugging trees is actually good for you. Research has shown that you don't even have to touch a tree to get better, you just need to be within its vicinity has a beneficial effect.
In Blinded by Science the author Matthew Silverstone proves scientifically that trees do in fact improve many health issues such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), concentration levels, reaction times, depression and other forms of mental illness.
-------
I don't know how much of that is generally accepted, but it doesn't matter because it does seem to help me. Sometimes just touching the tree or leaning against it can help, if people are around and I don't want to be caught actually hugging it -- but sometimes I don't care.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I don't hug trees, but I ride my bike every day. It's hard work, I see the world in a new way, I go to bed tired, and when I climb a hill I get the joy of flying down it afterward.
No shame: I'm fat, non-athletic, I wear all the wrong biking clothes, I have old beater bikes from Craigslist, and I'm always riding with two kids. But this is my time, my "church," and it's a priority. It gives me life so I can face the next thing.
No shame: I'm fat, non-athletic, I wear all the wrong biking clothes, I have old beater bikes from Craigslist, and I'm always riding with two kids. But this is my time, my "church," and it's a priority. It gives me life so I can face the next thing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Springs, like others have pointed out, early recovery is HARD. My RAH & I had been separated for 2 yrs & only back living together for about 4 months when he finally sought recovery. We could not afford to separate again but there were times when I wished so badly that we could. Just when it felt like everything SHOULD be coming back together I felt further & further disconnected instead. For many months we weren't just on different pages, we were speaking different languages. There was NO way that RAH could have provided me any real emotional support in the first 6 months of recovery, no matter what. Neither of us could fully understand the other's POV nor were we each far enough in our recovery to work on "our" problems.
Detachment was the VERY BEST tool I had most of the time. SR provided countless hours of reading & education for me. I read about all the codie stuff on my side & then learned a lot reading in the Alcoholics forum too - they often share in ways that help me understand RAH's mindset better.... often I got clarity on issues that he just couldn't verbalize in early recovery. Most important (to me) was understanding the physiological changes happening in his brain, lol, it explained a lot & helped me to adjust my expectations down to be more realistic.
(((HUGS))) Keep posting & reading!
Detachment was the VERY BEST tool I had most of the time. SR provided countless hours of reading & education for me. I read about all the codie stuff on my side & then learned a lot reading in the Alcoholics forum too - they often share in ways that help me understand RAH's mindset better.... often I got clarity on issues that he just couldn't verbalize in early recovery. Most important (to me) was understanding the physiological changes happening in his brain, lol, it explained a lot & helped me to adjust my expectations down to be more realistic.
(((HUGS))) Keep posting & reading!
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