Just need some support

Old 08-24-2013, 03:25 PM
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Just need some support

Hi,

I have never posted in something like this before but I'm terrified and need some support/guidance from others going through this.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who I am madly in love with who is a recovering addict. He had 2 yrs abstinence from crack and about 14 months abstinence from weed/alcohol. In the 10 months we have been together I have seem him set his goals achieve them and surpass them. He has worked so hard to create a beautiful life and we have a beautiful relationship.

Last night he relapsed.

He was up all night smoking crack in our bathroom.

Nothing I could do would stop him from smoking. It was like a devil had possessed him and I was trying to communicate with him but the devil was too strong. By 8am I had given up trying to get him to stop. I said ok no more lies no more secrets u r not doing this behind locked door. He let me in the bathroom with him and I went through all his clothes and bags with him to find everything and then sat w him while he finished his crack and then a joint. I just wanted it to b over.

Within about 30 mins he was back. He gave me his credit/debit cards and a wa his cash and went to bed. I got him food and that helped a bit I think. Every few hrs he has been waking up and we have been talking. The whole story has come out. Last Sunday he got some week then yesterday he got more weed which turned into crack pretty fast. He wants to be sober and said he will go meetings get a sponsor etc but I'm so scared

Will this one night turn into weeks/months? Will last night happen over and over in our lives together. My mom was an alcoholic and I don't want to put my children through what I went through.


I believe in him and our love I'm just so scared that we are going to lose everything to crack. I feel helpless and don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.

Thanks,
Rs
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Old 08-24-2013, 05:22 PM
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He has a disease and so did your mom. I will listen but I need to Tell you your love will not cure him. Aafter 12 years I finally learned I'm codepenent. I need help also and it sounds lIke weshould work our own program. Take care of yourself.
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Old 08-24-2013, 10:55 PM
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Been in that bathroom. Personally, I will never put myself behind that closed door again.

I didn't belong there.

When some one is smoking crack the safest thing that you can do for yourself is stay on the other side of that door. Put as many doors as you can between you and them. If you do venture in to plead for him to stop, please never grab that drug. I did this once and was left alone, tending a black eye and swollen jaw.

I did that bathroom night with her maybe 5 or 6 times over the years. I'd catch her smoking in the wee hours of the morning usually near the end of her run. She didn't have much left so I'd watch her finish while explaining why her doing this was all wrong. Me talking to the wall. Once every last crumb was gone she'd let me snap the pipe in half and flush whatever crumpled up bags and pieces of garbage she had left in her purse down the toilet. This was my cue to take her money then let her sleep.

There was a time where she had abstained from use with no recovery. We would drink together some nights and it was no big deal for me. Unfortunately she's afflicted with addiction and it ended up being quite a big deal for her. Landed us right in that bathroom together.

Once it started it happened often. Much more than the 5 maybe 6 times that I did venture in.

Will he do this often?

No one can say but him. It may be a one time fault or he may choose to run with it. It's an issue that rests solely on his decision.

There was one night a couple months ago where I was watching that show on A&E called Intervention and they where telling the story of a women who was a 40 something year old crack addict. Very active in her use. They detailed her life from childhood until her intervention. Through out her 20's she cleaned up, married a good man and healthily mothered 2 children. Then one day she used and it simply ended all of that. It put the risk that I had been taking into perspective.

You're gambling here.

You're with a man who has a very powerful addiction on his hands so understand that this is a man who is one poor choice away from living his life smoking his sh*t in that bathroom.

For your own safety, if it does happen again keep the door shut.
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Old 08-25-2013, 01:41 PM
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advice? GET OUT. I was in your situation, friends and family told me to get out of the relationship but I was so certain I could help him, so sure our love would conquer his addictions. I was SO WRONG. This is his problem, let him handle it, and keep yourself safe.
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Old 08-25-2013, 02:43 PM
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I have a friend who is a cocaine addict in recovery (25 years in recovery).....he instructed his wife on what to do if she ever discovered he was using again. He told her....leave me, take all the money, the kids, and run......because if I go down that path again, I don't want to take you with me. It won't end well.

I'm not suggesting that you run or leave or anything else. I am simply sharing the words of one man who is a recovered addict to his beloved wife.....

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:25 PM
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welcome to SR - i'm so sorry for the shocking things that brought you here.

i'm a former crack addict and I find his "story" of getting some weed and that triggering him to get enough crack to chief all night in the bathroom pretty lame. and it must have been some pretty bunk dope if within a half hour after the last hit he seemed ratonal and was eating, after being up all night. so I find what he told you suspect........

once the beast is back in charge, it's REALLY hard to put it back in it's cage. the very thought terrifies me, and i'm 8 years clean. in fact last night I was channel flipping and on nat geo there were a couple of crack addicts loading the pipe and I said oh NO...and changed the channel.

they call crack the devil's candy. you SAW the hold it had on him....nothing and I mean NOTHING you do or say can make him stop. addiction, all addiction is progressive, whether the addict is using or not. the beast never sleeps. you feed it (use again) and it is back, stronger than ever as if you never stopped.

maybe give him a week or so to see if he WALKS the TALK...ie really goes to meetings, really STRIVES to regain recovery. I hope your finances are still separate. you can't be the drug police forever. you can't watch him every minute, you can't control what he does.

it's been less than a year....you thought you knew him....and now....this. be prepared, chances are at least 50/50 he will use again. that call is so strong....that crack didn't just float from the sky into his hand...with INTENT he hooked up and got a sack. and then had the nerve to come home to YOU and hole up in the bathroom!?

if he does this again? please do not sit there WITH him while he smokes? your message is saying this is OK with me.
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:51 PM
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Hey there, Im sure you are really scared right now. No one here can tell you what will happen with your boyfriends relapse. Look at history over the last couple of years and he has been working hard to better his life, and going two years without crack takes work. But here is the thing Ive learned, addicts can relapse. Your boyfriend relapsed, and that is where your at. My boyfriend was addicted to coke, not crack but he had a couple of psychotic events where he was home alone locked himself in his room, imagined phone calls, extreme paranoia, and thought the police were out to get him, stayed up hours, and finally passed out. Awoke to find out there were no phone calls and no one was out to get him. Drugs can do crazy things with the brain. And none of this has anything to do with you, he didn’t bring crack home because he disrespected you, or doesn’t love you. He brought it home because he wasn’t thinking about anything but doing crack. My boyfriend stopped using in January, he relapsed a couple times in the beginning, but he has been working with an addiction counselor since then and is doing good now. but can he relapse, sure.

I bet you if you talk to your boyfriend there was something that triggered him to use the weed, and that was where he made his first mistake. The high of the weed, probably triggered reminders of the high of crack, and where did he get the weed? Someone with connections to crack? He has to figure all this out so it doesn’t happen again. When my boyfriend was holed up in the bedroom with his paranoid delusions I wasn’t there. If things get scary, you don’t have to be there to put yourself in danger, or to witness the crazy. It doesn’t mean you have to break up with him, but step away to keep yourself safe until he is back in control, go to a friends, or family.

The only thing you can do is wait and see how he handles this, and based on your background think about if you want to take the risk being with him and possible future relapses because they may happen even if he is trying hard. Do some reading on addiction, and how it all works, and I think that will help you because it can be a chronic condition, and that is why people relapse. I have decided it is something I an deal with at least for now, but my factors may not be like yours, so think about it.
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Old 08-25-2013, 04:55 PM
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How old are your children? This will affect them sooner or later and it won't be pretty.

My thoughts are that if you want to give this time to see if his actions follow his words, do it from a distance where your children will be safe. And protect your money. A crack addict would spend every cent meant to feed a family and never think twice about it. That's how that drug works.

Keep yourself and your children safe. They cannot protect themselves.

Hugs
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Old 08-26-2013, 05:53 AM
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Thank you all for your replies. They have been very helpful during this time.

He has managed to stay sober for the last 48 hours (I.e. since the relapse on Friday night) and has been going to meetings. I think what is hard right now is that I'm still processing it and feeling hurt, but he just wants to move on and start over.

I guess what is worrying me the most is the future. We don't have children yet but before this happened we had chosen a ring and were planning to get engaged and married soon. That is something I need to put on hold. I love him so much but this stuff is really scary and I don't know if I can take it on.

I think I'm only now understanding what it means to be dating someone in recovery. I guess I have been pretending it didn't exist but this brought me to reality hard. I think it's probably unrealistic to think he will never slip up again, but I think our future will depend on what that slip up turns into. If it is just one episode and then he turns it around and gets his sobriety back on track right away then it's something I can probably handle. But if one night of smoking becomes 2 becomes 3 etc it will be too much. I also think it depends on how often it happens. I'm just conflicted and confused right now and so unbelievably drained. I had lots of other obligations this weekend and it was so difficult being away from him and pretending everything was ok. I just am so tired and feel like crying with every breath. I just keep picturing him on the toilet w his shorts around his ankles, pipe in his hand and frantically going through all his stuff to try to find more. I know I asked him to let me in but I'm so disturbed by it. That's not the man I love and want to marry. I didn't know who that person was.

I'm going to go to an al anon meeting later even though I feel exhausted. I'm hoping that it will help.

Thanks again to all of you for sharing your stories and reaching out to me. I truly appreciate it.
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Old 08-26-2013, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Reallyscared View Post

I think I'm only now understanding what it means to be dating someone in recovery. I guess I have been pretending it didn't exist but this brought me to reality hard. I think it's probably unrealistic to think he will never slip up again, but I think our future will depend on what that slip up turns into. If it is just one episode and then he turns it around and gets his sobriety back on track right away then it's something I can probably handle. But if one night of smoking becomes 2 becomes 3 etc it will be too much. I also think it depends on how often it happens. I'm just conflicted and confused right now and so unbelievably drained. I had lots of other obligations this weekend and it was so difficult being away from him and pretending everything was ok. I just am so tired and feel like crying with every breath. I just keep picturing him on the toilet w his shorts around his ankles, pipe in his hand and frantically going through all his stuff to try to find more. I know I asked him to let me in but I'm so disturbed by it. That's not the man I love and want to marry. I didn't know who that person was.
It sounds like the whole relapse hit you suddenly and unexpected, so its normal I think to be in a bit of a state of shock; be kind to yourself and just allow yourself to explore your feelings slowly.

The things you are mentioning here are important things to think about, and I know I have had to question myself on many of the same issues. My husband is 16 months clean from pain meds and some other lovely add on's.... we have a small child, and would like to have more kids before long.... so potential of relapse, understanding addiction, and treatment is really important to me. (We view it like many other illness that have a possible chronic nature). When my husband was in rehab and working with therapist, they had him work on relapse prevention plans (identifying as many pre-cursors as possible) and sharing with me so I know what to be on the lookout for, also we worked on plans in the event of a relapse so we both understood what actions we needed to take as individuals and as a couple. These things have brought me a lot of comfort; I think because Im a planner overall; I like to be prepared.

Another thing that I think will make it easier, is if you maintain your own independence, work to provide your own income, handle your own finances, and such. I personally think all women should try to do this regardless of addiction issues, because we just never know what might happen in life. My mom & dad instilled in me before I got married, before my husband ever became addicted; that I needed to be able to take care of myself. Im very appreciative of that now because its made handling the risk of addiction a bit easier.

You don't have to have all the answers today; but maybe its good your aware now and can begin to ask yourself these kinds of questions.
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