drydude

Hey i'm a 22 year old male who has been sober 6 months. My father is an alcoholic and I quickly began to follow in his footsteps, without even realising it at the time. Anyways let me begin.
I witnessed all the negative effects of alcoholism at an early age, growing up with my father. After watching him go through rehab and fail, lose his job, his constant rage, his black outs and head injuries etc the list goes on; I decided to never drink at an early age.
As I was growing up I hated school. I was always quiet and always had trouble speaking up for myself, looking back now I definitely had social anxiety from an early age and still do. I used to keep to myself, I feared getting in trouble so I always did my homework and studied, I kept to myself and always had an underlying feeling as if something was wrong with me and as if I didn't fit in. In school I generally felt anxious most of the time and hated it altogether.
I was 17 when I had my first drink and I remember the start of the night well. I was on holiday with my best friend who knew I didn't drink and it was my first time experiencing nightlife I suppose. I didn't want to draw attention to myself for being weird so I drank my first beer. I remember the feeling of euphoria as I continued my first ever ''**** up''. It was great, I had never felt that way. I was outgoing I didn't have any problem speaking to new people and all my inner inhibitions vanished. it was an amazing feeling that astonished me. I had the best 2 week holiday of my life and my first drink started off as a 2 week binge.
When I returned home back to normality, I made a conscious decision to monitor my drinking and be smart about it because I knew what it had done to my family and how horrible it was to live with an alcoholic.
Every weekend I used to look forward to taking off my school uniform and going out with my mates and getting sloshed. I quickly became more popular and outgoing. I had more luck with the ladies and that anxious scared little boy eventually began to fade away. The last 2 years of school life for me even improved, my grades went down but I was happier than ever before and still got an average leaving certificate considering the amount of effort I put in in previous years.
College life also began good, I used to binge at every opportunity that arose, like everybody else my age. I still had a lot of social anxiety which just meant I'd get extra ****** at college parties because I was around new people. Eventually tests came up I dropped out and got myself a job in a supermarket.
At first life was the best it had ever been. I worked all week and got blitzed every weekend. I became popular and more outgoing. Even when I was sober I didn't have much difficulty socialising at some stage and life felt as if it was just falling into place for me.
Eventually the effects of constant partying crept up on me, I became slightly depressed. Weekends became constant blackouts and rather than socialise i'd go out get blitzed make a fool out of myself and wake up not remembering a thing. I had many drunken falls and knocked myself out and split myself open on numerous occasions. I began taking party drugs such as coke and e's and after balckouts id smoke grass to nurse my hangover. I lived the party lifestyle but things just got worse. I eventually became anxious in work and was always frantic. I was a good worker but I was in a constant scurry. Every weekend I could never catch that marvellous feeling I previously described, instead id go out and get way too drunk and was just a general nuisance. I tried to maintain my popular party guy image but I had lost it, at this point I was nothing but a pathetic drunk. I'd go out and try drink my anxiety and insecurities away and it always made things worse.
Eventually I became more depressed... my wake up call was when I went on a holiday abroad alone. I thought the holiday might cheer me up but things went downhill quickly. I acted weird because I was alone, felt completely out of place and got pissed at the bar every night. People in the complex began to talk about me (I wouldn't blame them) and I had a tough time with a few English guests. On my last night I didn't drink because I heard a young English fella talking about me negatively so I locked myself in my apartment room. Then I had a complete mental breakdown, I thought I could her everybody in the rooms surrounding me talking about me, the men hatefully and some women told them to leave me alone and stood up for me. I'm not sure exactly what happened that night maybe it was the dt's because I didn't drink or I was just extremely paranoid but I had a complete breakdown.
When I arrived home I quit my job and fell into a deep depression. My weekend blackouts became more outrageous at this stage and I was falling into a dark slump. I quit drinking last feb after an outrageous blackout on my bday where I had taken an e aswel and was knocking on neighbours doors and just acting completely erratic.
Since then i've moved away from old friends but have been visiting every 2nd week. I cant connect with a lot of my old friends anymore and am being slagged behind my back a lot by everybody around my area. Ive become a social loner and literally sit in the house most days.
I'm glad ive lasted this long without drinking but had a rough weekend last weekend. I went to a house party with some old friends and was bascically the topic of conversation, I was called some hurtful names and was mocked and ****. I took an e, I suppose now it was a form of escapism and I felt down all weekend so I began smoking weed all weekend. Im glad I didnt drink but am weary that if I continue smoking, ill end up replacing my old drinking habits.
Basically im wondering is it normal for me to still feel so ****** up after 6 months sober and will people ever stop ripping the ****. I feel like im that scared anxious school boy again. I cant socialise without overthinking and acting weird, all my confidence has gone and although im proud ive lasted this long, ive lost nearly everything. my mood and emotions are still all over the place. Im starting college in 2 weeks and im hoping it works out. its gona be hard to explain to people that I don't drink and watch them look at me as if im a freak. At 6 months sober things have gotten a lot better for anybody reading and I do feel much better bar last weekend, im just hoping somebody has a similar story to me and has come out the otherside.
thanks for reading

miko67

I'd go to meetings. Friends don't slag you or Talk behind your back. Friends encourage you. I suffer from this too , doing everyone's thinking for them. Pure paranoia. You are not alone bro. I hope u find your way. Aa n ca did for me what I couldn't do. And smoking grass and taking e isn't sobriety.
Peace

drydude

thanks for the reply man, yeah theres a few friends that are true, but by the looks of things the majority were drinking buddies. yeah the e's and grass have been my first downfall, just glad it wasn't worse because I felt like going all out. I'll consider meetings thanks for the advice miko67

Lightning Bug

Welcome!

When people make fun of others, make them feel bad, talk about them behind backs - they are showing insecurities of their own. They rip people when they see something of themselves. It is none of your concern what they think of you. They are the ones with the problem. I know it is hard to ignore the hurtful remarks. Don't believe what they say.

These people - they are not your friends. They are the people you get high with. Walk away from them. Trust me, you will find friends - real ones - in sobriety.

Welcome to our little corner of the world.

miko67

No probs mate. I tried to stop early twenties but, it goes against the grain of culture and from friends. Good on you bro keep the head up.
Peace

Newatthis34

Welcome Drydude!

Although you don't say so I'm guessing you're in Ireland (leaving cert reference!).
Firstly well done in not drinking in 6 months - which is more than I've accomplished BTW - but I agree with miko, substituting e's and weed is really not the way forward. Sounds to me like you need to re-think your social scene and buddies. Number 1; they sound like assholes if they slag you off behind your back and Number 2; you should make your sobriety your priority and avoid this party scene altogether. Maybe forever? Why hang out with people who are getting high/drunk if that's the very behaviour you want to get away from? Plus you wouldn't have that anxiety of what they are saying about you etc. although frankly - who cares?! You have a great opportunity now when you go back to college to focus on something else that's healthy for you and your sobriety. Go for it!

least

Congrats on six months sober!

drydude

Thanks for the support guys and yeah I live in Ireland, not exactly the best country to quit drinking in haha Yeah I get what your saying about avoiding all scenes where alcohols involved but at this age its tough, and I do enjoy concerts etc sober, the atmosphere alone is a high in itself. A lot of my friends are supportive and some just aren't friends at all I suppose. This particular party was with a previous work colleague so the majority of people there weren't friends and thank god for that, bunch of dicks.
I just hope my heads in the right place for college and I can hack it, in the long run I'd like to be an addiction counsellor or something along those lines. Thanks for the support guys, really needed it!

EndGameNYC

It didn't take long for me to leave my drinking buddies behind when I first got sober. What I saw in them is what I came to see in myself: A bunch of drunks, sitting around feeling sorry for themselves, generally disliking anyone who wasn't like them and avoiding the necessary work to make their lives better. All this while systematically increasing the pain quotient in themselves and in the few people who stuck with them during their drinking.

Nice life.

neferkamichael

Drydude, my story soo far... 6 months sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations.

drydude

thanks the replies guys, delighted I joined up here, was creeping for a while and always found reading posts helpful. My next big hurdle is going to be making new friends in college I suppose without being attracted to my old type of friends... because I can relate to people who love the party scene.
I'll be using the website as a place to vent when times are tough. It's good to know I'm not alone.
After 6 months without drinking, my skin and overall complexion looks a lot healthier. I have more energy and a clearer head... but I still have to learn how to control my emotions and anxiety better. I suppose I feel as if im back to when I didn't drink... I heard somewhere that when you start drinking you stop developing emotionally. Does anybody know if this is true? It sure does seem to be, recently ive been acting and feeling like a child at times

jazzfish

I tried to quit in my early 20s and failed. It is horribly difficult to see that big picture (or at least act on it). The thing is that in the next few years many of those people will start cutting back drastically and getting on with their lives. They will become people who stop using and only drink moderately.

I kept drinking while that happened and soon became the outsider I feared becoming. There is a thin line between the cool young drinker and the creepy old alcoholic. I wish I had quit and focused on myself and my career instead.

Newatthis34

Well said Jazzfish. It is tough being in your twenties and feeling like this is what you should be doing, if not then when right? And to be honest I don't think it would have dawned on me to quit then either, I really wouldn't have wanted to. But now at 37 I was that sad old loser still at the party when everyone else has gone home!

nomis

Thanks for sharing Drydude, and let me offer a heartfelt congratulations on six months! Six months is absolutely amazing, it shows an inner strength I bet you never knew you had.

I feel like your story has a lot similarities to mine. I too had an alcoholic father, but he disappeared out of my life at a very early age. My mother worked her butt off to support us, god bless her, but was away a lot, and there were always a lot of baby sitters around. Like you, I was shy and withdrawn growing up and when I took that first sip of booze, it was Eureka! Despite the fact I passed out on the front lawn of a neighbors house, and had everybody in the high school giggling behind my back for a few weeks, I couldn't wait to do it again.

Fast forward 18 years later and have finally gotten sober. After denying it my whole life, I realized that those childhood years were stressful and traumatic for me. There's no shame, and no blame for that. But here's the thing, that stress at such an early age has a huge impact on the way our brain develops.

We have this small part in our noggin called the amygdala. I basically regulates the fight or flight instinct in us, in case we get in some serious situations. Think of it as a panic button. What happens when we're exposed to stressful or traumatic situations, that start when we are in the womb, from an early age is our amygdala goes haywire. The panic button gets stuck if you will. And causes non-stop stress, in situations which most other people would not find stressful at all.

So when I took that first drink, it was like WHOA, the stress is gone and I actually feel good about myself. Feel good about myself, that had never happened before.

Getting sober unfortunately is only half the battle. Because when we stop, that stress is still there and the panic button is still stuck. That's the real trick in recovery is how to get it unstuck, how to learn how to cope with the stress it produces and how to stop self-medicating, whether it be through alcohol, food, internet, etc..

It's a long road, has been for me clearly. Hope you stick around and hope that my story has helped shed a little light on yours.

All the best brother!

drydude

Hi, first of all I want to thank you a lot for your reply. I've recently read a small bit about the amygdala and how it controls our flight or fight response, and mine is definitely, how you described, stuck on panic mode. Drinking was my way of escaping that constant feeling and now being sober I have all those negative feelings most of the time. I just hope to god I find a way of healing without any substance abuse.
Sorry to hear that you had a similar past, unlike you though my Dads still around and although I love him to bits, its not easy seeing him the way he is, he literally has nothing and lives for that next drink and every days a struggle and I can only describe it as sad.
This is why at such an early age I'm stopping the booze, I don't respond the same way to it compared to other people and once I start I never stop until blackout. I want to learn from dad's mistakes and avoid all the pain that alcoholism causes.
Your post has shed a lot of light for me, your explanation of the amygdala stuck on panic mode is spot on. Thank you again, I just hope with sobriety that I can somehow get it to function normally.
Thanks man

SoberHappyHour

I think you're similar to me in the fact that I would drink on the weekends as well and also blackout quite a bit. I think the thing you need to do is find other hobbies that don't involve parties so much. I'm young, I'm 26. I now enjoy the gym, sports, movies, the beach, and talking to sober people. There are a lot more sober people out there than you think. Go to aa. Everyone there will understand you. I like the fact that you're going back to school, because I'm doing the same thing. I just stay productive, and busy. I still go out to bars once in a great while and I don't enjoy it a whole lot but when I do, I hang out for a little and drink a soda or whatever and chat just like everyone else. One other big thing you should do is just focus on improving yourself each and everyday and stop worrying about what other people think of you. Everything will take care of itself and your life will improve. Good luck drydude.

ReadyAtLast

congrats on 6 months

drydude

thanks for the support soberhappyhour i hope college works out for you. And as soon as i can get some money together im going to invest in a gym membership and start working out. Get in shape and feel good

AlefVavResh

Hi, drydude. Your first drink story reminds me of my experience, down to the letter. Except I was sixteen. I wish I would have quit earlier and made something of myself. I'll bet if you search the campus, you'll find some awesome new sober friends. You'll make it!

wizard1969

I really understand where you are coming from with the social anxiety leading to drinking. I am convinced that many "alcoholics" are actually people with an anxiety disorder and they are self-medicating. I would urge you to get psychiatric help to deal with your anxiety disorder. Usually a therapist that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy is the one to go with. Be sure to search pubmed for help as well, I found #17510493 to be an interesting study on anxiety and it has helped me. Discuss what you find with your doctor. Best of luck.