nowhere to turn

Old 08-24-2013, 07:12 AM
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nowhere to turn

I'm not really sure how to start this so I'll dive right in. Apologies ahead of time if I'm all over the place.

My dad's an alcoholic. He never hit anyone but he does get obnoxious and would often get into shouting matches with my mom. He never held a job for long and was not very present as a father, due to a strong social anxiety and depression. I've recently learned to let go of my anger towards my father about this.

The main problem is my fiance.
We've been dating for 3 years and we got engaged six months ago. We've lived together as long as we've been dating. We are both 23 and just moved out of a college town and into a quiet neighborhood. He's been a heavy drinker as long as I've known him, but in college (especially a party school) it's really hard to point out a problem when "everyone is doing it."

Basically last year it started getting really bad. I would work nights and come home to him, by himself, extremely drunk. He started lying to me about it and trying to shower before I came home to get rid of the smell. If I even mentioned the word drinking he went off the handle calling me controlling and saying I don't know how to have fun. He would say it was just because of my dad that I'm this way. Hiding bottles, verbally/emotionally abusive, the whole nine yards. Our mutual friends from work back him up. They act like I'm this b**** who won't let him have fun.

So I moved out. The last four months I stayed with my parents. He told me that he was ready to live with me again, we talked about how things would be better. Now we've lived here for a month and he's been staying up drinking. I find him in the mornings passed out on the floor. He hasn't gotten mean yet but I'm afraid it will happen soon enough. Of course it's not all bad - most of the time it's really great living with him. He can be so positive and supportive.

I really don't know what to do or where to start. I realize that I depend on him more than I should, but at this point I'm not ready to just up and leave him again. Once I tried offering going to an AA meeting with him, but he got super angry and denies it's a problem. But if it's affecting me it's a problem, right?

What do I do?
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Old 08-24-2013, 07:26 AM
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Hello Satellites,

I think its a problem for him as well as you.
I would say the first step is to realize that you are powerless over his addiction. He will change only when and if he wants to change not a minute before. Second, you should educate your self on addiction. Here is a start. Third, start looking looking after yourself and get some support from your community (al-anon or professional family addiction support).
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:12 AM
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Welcome Satellites.

What can you do? Well, you can take care of yourself and your needs. Unfortunately, he needs to be in charge of his own life and choices, and if he chooses to drink himself silly every night, it is his right. The anger and defensiveness are normal when an alcoholic is confronted...that will continue. Addicts protect their addictions - it is their utmost priority.

You are young with a bright future ahead of you. Is this how you see it playing out? If not, it may be time to reconsider this relationship's future potential.

When I was a little younger than you (back in the day!) I had to make a similar choice. It wasn't easy, but the reality of my situation was clear. Having a boyfriend who was drunk all the time was more like a noose around my neck than a fulfilling and fun relationship.

Good luck!
~T
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:32 AM
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Hi Satellites,

What you can do is keep reading on SR and begin going to Al Anon. You will learn that his problem is entirely his, and slowly start to accept it. I really think hearing the stories of women who married alcoholics might help you save yourself from a similar fate. You were healthy enough to find SR on your own; that's your survival instinct at work.

I am a forty year old mother of two. Luckily, I did not marry the alcoholic I was involved with, or have children with him. Still, my relationship with him was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I live with immense regret now. I will never get back the time I spent with him, and rebuilding my shattered self esteem from his emotional abuse has been so difficult.

You don't have to make any decisions right now, but please commit to educating yourself about this devastating and horrible disease.

HUGS
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:37 AM
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Hi, I would suggest you really reconsider being engaged or marrying this guy. He's an alcoholic, based on what you tell us, and do you really want to have that type of lifestyle? He wont change until he is ready, nothing you say or do will get him to go to AA until he's darn good and ready, and that may never happen.

You might want to consider moving back with your folks, even tho you probably dont want to, and leave this guy to himself. If he can sober up and stay sober for a long time, then maybe you can reconsider being with him, but I think things will go downhill for you if you stay with him.
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:57 AM
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But if it's affecting me it's a problem, right?
Yes, but at this point it’s your problem……….your solution is NOT in him going to AA and CHANGING into the person you hope he can be.

It lies more in YOU accepting him for exactly who he is today and can you live with alcoholism all over again?

Al-anon is great place for you to start to discover what this disease is all about and more importantly what YOU CAN’T do to change him BUT what you can do to change YOU.
When we fill ourselves with thoughts of them changing, if only they did this or if only they’d go to meetings, detox, rehab etc. we are setting ourselves up for great disappointment.

We are entering or staying in a relationship based on hope and wishes, fantasy like, not facing reality.

It’s like saying we don’t really have to work hard and save money for our future because one day we will win the lottery.

Marrying an active alcoholic is no different, we bank on, we wish on, we hope on that the marriage will change them. Then we add children to that mix hoping that will change them……….we’ve emotionally banked on someone who right from the beginning was not capable of meeting our wants or needs.

Look into al-anon, counseling something that will help you see clearer into this situation.
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