Don't know what to think...

Old 08-24-2013, 12:44 AM
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Don't know what to think...

About a year and a half ago my husband began to cry out for help. Depression help I thought. I hadn't realized his drinking had gotten out of control. I really didn't notice how much he was drinking, something I feel guilty about now. But when he began to have the DTs I just didn't know what to do for him. I didn't understand what was happening. How could he be addicted? How could he not "just quit?"

So after quitting his job, drinking away a lot of what was now my hard earned money, and selling many of our possessions for beer money, including our kids things, he began to slowly drink his life away. It made me angry, it made our kids angry. Angry that he was not the husband and father he used to be. He just didn't seem to care about anything but being numb. As you all know, arguing with an alcoholic does no good but most of the time it didn't stop me.

I tried to live as normal a life as possible but always afraid of what I might come home to after work. There were games and practices to take the boys to, school events, etc., etc.. I felt all alone. Finally I knew something had to be done or he would die. So I took him to an inpatient treatment center that he agreed to go to. Let me tell you the trip to rehab was one I will never forget! Rehab was good for him. He put his whole self into it for us he said. He looked good when it was over. I think he lasted 3 months before he relapsed. The lies began again and things went missing again.

Now he's homeless, again I might add. I know he really wants to be "back to normal" and be with his family but doesn't understand how to live like a sober person. It would have helped if he would have gone to AA and gotten a sponsor like he was supposed to do but he didn't want to go anymore and said he was tired of hearing other people's problems. I know I was hard on him for relapsing. I thought one of my boundaries was to have zero tolerance. In hindsight that was way wrong. But before he decided to drop out of society I had given him many chances with much support but he would always drink again.

I've helped him so much but it seems he won't help himself. What is he doing? He won't get a job and has ruined his credit by ignoring his responsibilities. Debt collectors, repossession, omg he's in so much trouble. Will he ever come around? People have said the boys and I have to live our lives. What does that mean? I let him be homeless and we live in comfort and pretend all is good?

Sorry for the lengthiness.
peachyqueen is offline  
Old 08-24-2013, 02:07 AM
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Yes it does mean you and kids live in comfort and he lives in the hole he dug.
The moment you save the alcoholic thats the moment you tell them its ok.
ITS NOT THOUGH. Hes sick ....hes getting sicker but you cant force someone to go to the doctor and you can't be one yourself.
I see alot of accepting of responsibility of his alcoholism but ask yourself why you are.
Your husband has had opportunity after opportunity. He couldnt even do aa.
So he says he wants help but by doing what?
It doesnt sound like he does. It sounds like he wants YOU to just believe he does.
Think about it.
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Old 08-24-2013, 03:54 AM
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Peachy, you don't owe him what he can't be bothered to do for himself. The fact is that he DOES understand how to live like a sober person. He just doesn't want to badly enough.

You don't have to pretend everything is good, but you and your boys should live in comfort to the best of your ability. Your husband is a grown man, acting like a child. Your boys ARE children. Which of these is your responsibility to manage? Have you tried Alanon/Alateen?
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Old 08-24-2013, 05:04 AM
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Peachy, this guilt that you feel and the compulsion to save him is your co-dependence talking to you. Resist it--because saving him from the consequences of his actions keeps him from hitting his "bottom". Sadly, many alcoholics have to hurt so bad that sobriety is the only option.

When the alsoholic is ready to get sober--they will take any help that they can get. They will go to AA and be grateful for the advice of those who have gone before them. The alcoholic is good at playing on our sympathies. They count on it---because it so often works!!!!!!

He is still trying to protect his ability to keep drinking. This is all part of the disease. The alcoholic will be willing to suffer unimaginable things in order to keep drinking--this includes homelessness.

Peachy, read the articles called "stickies" at the top of this main page.

Keep learning and keep posting.

You and the boys deserve to have a good life free from alcoholism. Living with active alcoholism always damages the kids.

dandylion
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