Flavia2

Married to AH 20 years. Two kids; one dog, haven't worked for 16 years. Things have been sliding into complete chaos - he almost lost his job, ended up getting demoted. Drinking, gambling, strip clubs. Spent $2500 in the past 6 weeks. Started seeing addiction therapist. Refuses AA. Not verbally abusive, but the disappearing act is abusive enough. Doesn't come come from work, etc.. I've been left in hotel room while on vacation. Sometimes he leaves for days at a time! The kids are constantly asking where's dad!

Trying to get myself together, get a job. Looking for 6 months- no luck. Can I tell him to leave even though I have no job? He stinks of alcohol, I cant take this anymore. I really do not want to live this way, not me or the kids. Should I do this before I find a job???

goodstitch

Hi Flavia,
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but it sounds like you're ready for a change for the better. I'm not married with kids so I can't speak to that experience, but I've read posts where responders tend to suggest seeing a lawyer. I bet you could find legal advice on a sliding scale since you're not working. I would also suggest going to al-anon meetings while you're going through this process. It's amazing how empowering they can be!
GS

Tuffgirl

Welcome flavia.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'd suggest you slow down, breathe, and take things one day at a time.

Small steps in the right direction can be easier to tackle than everything at once. Having a exit plan takes some strategizing - and I would think having a job would be the first priority, because you already know you can't count on him for financial support, even if the courts/law is on your side.

But you don't have to be miserable while you are dealing with this - learning detachment would be a wonderful skill to have right now. Al-Anon can help you with that...try a meeting or five!

And keep reading and keep coming back!
~T

atalose

Great suggestions to find your way to al-anon meetings!! Also as Tuff pointed out you can’t count on him financially if you stay or go at this point just don’t allow that to keep you hostage to this situation.

Couldn’t hurt to seek out your legal options by having a consult with a divorce attorney in your area, see what you may be entitled to in a divorce. But again if he loses his job you are left on your own.
None of us like to ask for help, we have either hidden our situations from those close to us or already have strained relationships with family.

Check into all your options, can you move in with family if needed? Are there programs in your area for families of alcoholics for counseling? Are there any re-entery job programs in your area? Do any of the churches or non-profits in your area offer job assistance? What about school to learn a trade or computer skills?

It may help you detach by jumping into research on things for you to become more financially independent and obtaining a job.

Flavia2

I am really spinning. I could not calm down enough last night to fall asleep, although I did make sure I did not engage with him. He left early this morning and did answer the phone when I called. He says he is at work, but he is being very cold to me and I can tell he is at the point where he doesn't care about me or the kids.

I spoke to an attorney last month. My brother who is an hour away is supportive and knows what's going on. He's too far from the kids' school to live with, though. If worst comes to worst, I can impose on my mom. She has no idea that there are problems.

I thank everyone so much for listening and for the support. It is difficult being so isolated. I wish I could tell him to leave now, but I'm not sure it is prudent.