TopFlight

I'm 2 days shy of being 2 months sober, but decided to post this early because it always seems like Fridays are the days where I'm thinking the most about my sobriety.

A little backstory for people who aren't familiar with my previous posts. I'm 28 years old and a former binge drinking alcoholic. I had a prior drug problem in my early twenties which seemed to surface in a few instances prior to me quitting drinking. My motive behind quitting was 2 part; first that I had a series of events in my past that affected me negatively due to my drinking; ranging from 2 car accidents, missing days at work, fights, chaotic relationships etc the list goes on. Second is I started to believe that my drinking was attributing to my drug use. The last time I used, I had been drinking prior and that night ended up really getting out of hand. Woke up the next day feeling absolutely as low of I can ever remember feeling, laying in my bed upwards of 4+ hours, drenched in sweat, with my heart racing through the roof, contemplating going to the ER. That day I swore I had enough and started my life of sobriety.

My reflection

Though 2 months doesn't seem like a long time to many it certainly has been for me.

My first month of sobriety was an interesting one. Most of my concerns were avoiding high risk situations, letting close friends and family members know my intentions of quitting, and basically figuring out where I am going to go from here. Reactions varied from family and friends, ranging from "why would you do something silly like that" Topflight is turning straight-edge on us" to "I think thats the right decision"......unfortunately the supportive reactions were more of the minority.

Being that I have dealt with addiction before, I felt I understood what it took to deal with it in the beginning stages, therefore I used my old philosophy of out with the bad and in with the good. Now instead of a beer, it was protein shakes, juices and water.--instead of a day-time happy hour, it was going to the gym, working out, swimming laps in the pool, and sitting the the jacuzzi and just going through some self reflection. I felt my goal was to take every negative aspect of my life and work on turning it into a positive. This seemed to go consistent with my drinking habits, in that it was all or nothing. I felt that I was striving for a life transformation.

The 2nd month

I have been keeping myself 100% consistent to the same plan. I'm in the greatest shape I've ever been. For 2 months I have stuck to my game plan of working on my mind, body and spirit daily. Aside from working out, I have been reading a lot of self improvement books to work on my confidence and to gian an inner peace. I know its not something thats going to happen over night, but it's something I'm continuing to work on.

In terms of temptation of drinking again, I actually haven't had any strong temptations to drink, until today. It's not that I wanted to go buy some alcohol right at the moment, but more of me contemplating to make the conscious decision to drink again. Ultimately what contributed to me writing this.

Though there are a lot of positives that have occurred through my sobriety, I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt disconnected. I honestly feel a lot of my relationships have suffered since I quit drinking. Not just because I won't drink, but because I have tended to isolate myself into this bubble of the day to day routine that I've been in. I have gone out a couple times with friends and have even been the DD once, but it somewhat felt like I was just going through the motions when I went. It wasn't a horrible night by any means, but also not something I have been eagerly pursuing to do again either. Other times were going out to lunch with some friends which was a lot more enjoyable.

I'd say my biggest challenge now has been striving to find my happiness, excitement and thirst for adventure again. I always felt if I worked on my health and fitness that it would automatically translate into me feeling good consistently, but it turns out its a little more complicated than that. I'm incredibly proud that I am two months sober, but am also humbled in that I know theres a lot more work ahead of me.

Thank you to anyone who read all of this......sorry for the rambling. I just felt I needed to write a little something since a lot of thoughts have been running through my head recently.

bigsombrero

Thanks for the interesting thoughts and the post. In regards to the above - I hear ya. That's been my single biggest challenge since beginning my own quest just over a year ago. If you're like me, the main problem with seeing old friends is that it's just...not the same. I enjoyed hanging out with the guys at the pub/bar/man cave etc, but it was always fueled in some way by drinking. And the drinking is gone - finito. Not comin' back. And neither are the pubs. Hanging out with my old crowd in a coffee shop? Just won't happen.

I actually embarked on some pretty soul searching journeys, alone, moved abroad for a couple months even. Maybe I was looking for companionship - and I found it. But what I found more often, was that I kept isolating myself in recovery because I was still discovering more about myself. Layer after layer, I kept peeling away the old "drinking self" and looking at the guy underneath it all. Sometimes I was afraid to peek - like when you pick up that big rock that's been sitting outside and you know there are gonna be all sorts of creepy crawly bugs running around.

But it's worth it. Maybe you need to keep turning over those stones? You sound like a thoughtful person, you can handle it. And don't pressure yourself to "get back to normal" - after all, what was "normal" in the past was completely off the wall. I found there was no "normal" to return to, so I had to start making my own path.

Sounds like you're well on the way to making your own. Build it. Test it's foundations. Explore. Be well!

Eleni58

Your insight is remarkable! Keep up the great attitude. Slowly but surely you will find things you enjoy doing in a group atmosphere as well as making new friends who hopefully don't drink.

least

I'm glad you're feeling good about your recovery and congrats on two months sober!!

Croissant

Congratulations Topflight. I agree with Bigsombrero....it's a journey.

I liken it to breaking up with someone....plus that someone is no good for you. You've lost your source of comfort....and what's worse, you know going back won't feel the same. Parties, family gatherings, evenings....a gap needs to be filled where they once were. It's like being the singleton when everyone else is a couple. That, plus all the pain you have to face.

I do feel a bit removed from the world at the moment, but I feel it's necessary in order for me to mend my mind, body and soul. I just posted elsewhere that I feel a bit 'bratty' sometimes when I want it all my way....I want to feel 100% the way I THINK I should be feeling. Then I remember there's a lot of mending going on inside and I have to accept my part in this is just doing the best I can.

It's early days....I hope we all make it through....I imagine my life in a years time and I think it's worth the investment now, albeit how sucky it feels sometimes.