I am the one relapsing

Old 08-23-2013, 01:49 PM
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Unhappy I am the one relapsing

Today my exABF called me and reminded me all nice things that we lived together. He said he is doing something called American Blizzard but he will leave it soon for me and he said that he was in heaven with me.

I found myself crying and craving for everything that we had, but I know deep down that if I come back I would be in that same hell rollecoaster I have been living the last years. I feel so lost and bad. I just wanted to vent and share with people that may know what I am talking about.
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Old 08-23-2013, 02:07 PM
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those calls can really do a number on US...which is a big reason why NO contact is suggested. first his "message" was kind of rambling and nonsensical ad trying not to sound cold hearted, a lot like somebody who was probably high and "drug dialing".

when you are in less of an emotional state it might be a good idea to be your own reporter and write down the fACTS of your years together.....from what you shared here they just don't sound THAT wonderful.....just like addicts we tend to romanticize the "good times" and just like addicts trying to chase that first really good hit, we too try to chase that one really good moment or six.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:20 PM
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Facts are cold, hard, and people generally don't like them.
They are not amenable to wishes, hopes, or dreams.

When I was young, a family friend told me something that I
resented at the time (1976), but that I have come to see the wisdom
of...by & by. He said that you must make reality your friend, or it
will automatically work against you.

I resented it at the time because it did not fit what I WANTED that
(1976) reality to be.

Of course he was right. Since 1976 I have disregarded his sage advice
only ONCE......that being the occasion when I voluntarily exposed my life
to this nightmarish reality called addiction.

The results were as predictable as they were horrific.

Was it Charles DeGaulle (?) who said:

"I am sometimes wrong in what I do, but seldom wrong in what I predict"

Reality is what it is. It cannot be denied, only temporarily evaded.
The addict was but a bit player. The full burden for the pain & suffering of
this unhappy adventure falls upon the fellow I see in the mirror.

I know it hurts, Valentina14. It hurts to go no contact, too.
But the second option hurts less-----over time.

I'd rather go eat a big piece of chocolate cake than go for my daily run.
(and anyone chiming in that it is more fun to run than eat is FULL OF BS!)

But I am an adult who knows the likely outcome of each decision.
And so are you.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:12 PM
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Sadly that is the truth, when I look at things from the non-emotional perspective, the good moments were few and they were greatly outnumbered by the hell I choose to live next to him.

But still (and risking to sound like an idiot) he gets me every time he contacts me and the main reason I haven't blocked him is because in my mind there is the "what if he really wants urgent help at any moment? or what if he recovers and finally that wonderful man I fell in love is finally back?"

The wishful thinking is winning over me, I know those things are very unlikely to happen if not impossible. And I know I finally have to take the decision of pushing those "block" buttons and finally make him dissapear along with his drugs from my life. But then, why can't I be stronger and do it right away and stop wishing for miracles? I should know better by now.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:43 PM
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I have found it best to work with WHAT IS and not what IF....right now you are still putting HIM in charge....what IF he NEEEEEEEDS me - aka and then I get to be the hero....what if he magically transforms into Mr. wonderful and then all MY effort will be worth it and I will be validated.

takes time hon. bit by bit, step by step. then the occasional leap. we are like those really BIG telescopes focused on things a billion light years away...and then suddenly we are supposed to focus on the robin on the windowsill.....
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:58 PM
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Thanks AnvilheadII, in moments like this it's really helpfull to listen to direct words, like a little spank for waking up. I am deluding myself into that kind of thoughts and I know what the results would be if I fall again for the trick. A reality check is what I need and it is in what I will be working the next days.

Thanks again, to all of you. It is good to find support.
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Old 08-23-2013, 11:37 PM
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But then, why can't I be stronger and do it right away and stop wishing for miracles? I should know better by now.
================================================== ==============
Knowing isn't the problem.I knew the whole schtick was a total line of BS.
But a part of my psyche (a DEFECTIVE part) "got off" on the extreme hero
bullcrap.......cavalry riding in...."it's gonna be alright"......"you are going to
get through this".

A useful analogy is health. Is isn't classified information how to take care
of yourself.How many people who find maintaining a healthy weight difficult
do you think you could walk up to and reveal "the secret!" e.g.-

(eat less, burn more, multiply by time).....

expecting them to shout: "EUREKA!!!! No one has ever told me that
before!!!! Oh THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!"

What you are attempting to do is hard. Give yourself a break and
acknowledge that truth. Hard things are hard. Hoping they are easy
is like an acquaintance I knew long ago----who would devour a large
pizza all by herself.....all whilst reading the latest diet fad book.
Best of intentions...but the execution was lacking.

Oh crap! I feel another "Vale-ism" coming on------I give that
warning 'cuz most SR-aholics know enough to take cover....

(((((((wishful thinking is a contradiction in terms)))))))))
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Old 08-24-2013, 10:31 AM
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Vale, I love your words od wisdom! Even if some may think all this are only words, all that it is said here really help to get a reality check, to give strenght and to take the decisions that have to be made.

Today, after more than two years of being addicted to my addict, finally I pushed the "block" buttons of all the places he could contact me and I deleted all his contact info from cell phone, laptop, agendas, so I virtually have no way of contacting him right now even if I would feel the weakness coming and wanted to simply say hi.

Right now I am in a surreal moment, I feel liberated but I know soon all the bad feelings, the insecurities, the memories of the "happy past", the wishful thinking, will kick in. I have to continue working into knowing that there was no way that I could had saved him, that I did everything that I could for him and that I deserve a life free of all his problems.
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Old 08-24-2013, 12:06 PM
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(first of all, my "words of wisdom" are merely scars accumulated going down
a road that I knew better than to go down----on day 1. It took a HELL of a
lot of horrific pain to break through my stubborn belief structure.)

You DO deserve a life free of the problems you had no hand in creating. That
is so obvious for ME to see in YOUR life! So why did it take so long to see it in
mine? Because I so WANTED to believe. I was willing to put everything at risk
to defend those beliefs------an almost mirror image of the addict doing ANYTHING
to defend her addiction.

You will have ups, and you will have downs. We all do. It's called life. At what I
guess to be approximately twice your age-----I have come to believe it is one of the
more pleasant facts about BEING human. Without stretching the horsecrap 'father time'
beyond it's breaking point-----it is also true that it gets better with time.

BTW, I like your characterization "words of wisdom". It sounds so much better than
"some old dumba** who fell off the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down".
================================================== =====
"Grandpa!?" (not yet,but hopefully in next 5-9 years)

"What"

"How did you get those scars?!"

"By not being as smart as that other grandpa over there,
the one without any!"

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Old 08-24-2013, 12:17 PM
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Hi valentina, I would say tell him to call you after he leaves it. Take care of yourself dear.
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Old 08-24-2013, 12:34 PM
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It is a rollercoaster, and it's time to stay off the ride!

Originally Posted by Valentina14 View Post
Today my exABF called me and reminded me all nice things that we lived together. He said he is doing something called American Blizzard but he will leave it soon for me and he said that he was in heaven with me.

I found myself crying and craving for everything that we had, but I know deep down that if I come back I would be in that same hell rollecoaster I have been living the last years. I feel so lost and bad. I just wanted to vent and share with people that may know what I am talking about.
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I am about to go through a divorce with my AH that I've been friends with for about 20 years, together close to 8 years. When you start romanticizing the relationship you had, please remember that because he is an addict, that there are plenty of things that you don't know. I found out mine lied about sooo many things (of course) and it made me realize that this person, the active addict and in treatment until Monday, is not the person I know. We have a way of thinking too much about the good times, like an amnesia of sorts that outweigh the bad times. Protect yourself, take care of yourself, focus all of that energy on yourself. Try not to be in contact with him because as addict, he will manipulate you the best way he can, that's just the nature of an addict in use. No addict is special, then inevitably show the same traits. Try to do something nice for yourself today to lift your spirits and call on your friends and support.
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Old 08-24-2013, 03:41 PM
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Vale: definitely "words of wisdom" sounds a lot better but the truth is that it is impossible to be wise without having lived some things, and part of the deal of life is getting some painful moments along with the good ones, and learn about it all and share it with the world like you do. So thanks for that!

I, like you, couldn't see what was obvious and what everybody could see I was doing with my life. Sometimes it is hard to accept that things are in no way what we want them to be and that the idea that we have of life or a relationship sometimes is a lot different from reality. But it is good that it didn't take me a lot more years, pain, bruises, to realize it.

Pinkdog: thanks very much! I am finally starting to take care of myself after all this years of worrying mainly about him and forgetting who I was. I wrote him a long letter explaining why I took the decisions I took, telling him that even if he blamed me in the past for relapsing and at one time I believed him, now I know better; and that right now I am finally taking control over my destiny and that one day he should do the same. I also mentioned that if he needs a drive to rehab or to put his life together after that, I can be his friend and he can send me a message through his son, whom I still talk to sometimes.

overit263: Thank you for your words and I am also sorry for everything you went through and your divorce. You are right, we romanticize everything and forget easily all the bad moments. I still do that sometimes but also the last time I talked to him he came clean in some things he did while he was with me, like using drug prostitutes, lying about being clean when he was not, stealing, etc, all the normal for some addicts I think, but I know it isn't half of the reality.

I know I can't be in contact with him at all, and I will make it happen even if I have to sit on my hands I will recover from this, it will be hard but I know I can do it.
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Old 08-24-2013, 04:05 PM
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We are all here for you!
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Old 08-24-2013, 06:21 PM
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Thank you very very much! It has given me so much strenght to be around here. This place is full of really good people
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Old 08-24-2013, 08:34 PM
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This place is full of really good people
============================
It is. And you are one of them.

(it's not how many times you fall....it's how many times you get up!)
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Old 08-25-2013, 03:14 PM
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Thank you! :') I like being here.
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