sweetiebelle

The thing I struggle with most lately is my own anger.

First let me say that things are going better with the boyfriend. He's not selling the pills like I feared. And I've stopped counting them everyday. (Maybe once in a while tho).

Seems like the smallest things set me off. Maybe there is a lot of resentment ... maybe he resents me too. His old buddies have given him the guilt trip for not selling to them "after all they did for him" etc. He has said he's stopped talking to them altogether. But I still obsess a little and worry about believing him. Those thoughts/feelings simmer underneath so maybe that's why little things get me angry.

But he's not the brightest sunshine either. Feels like he's just grumpy and mean for no reason. I'll ask if he's upset, and he'll say no. Making me feel like I'm the one with the problem.

Another issue: he is still terrible with his money. Before I thought it was because he was always scrambling to buy pills. But now it's "dr bills". It's always something. Right before pay day, for example, he'll borrow a $20 for gas and promise to pay me back. When I ask for my money back, he has an excuse... Gosh, that will set me off and I'll be angry for the rest of the day. I told him "promising to pay back on a certain day, and not doing it is essentially LYING".

I thought he was grumpy because he had to find his pills on the street or if he was waiting for pay day and ran out. But he's still grumpy now. I told him "people who borrow money and don't pay it back, don't get to borrow next time."

He lives in my house. I pay the majority of the bills. He helps out with food but not nearly what I pay in rent, electricity, phone bill, other utilities. This angers me.

Anyway, my thoughts have been everywhere, but hopefully venting will help me feel better.

~sweetiebelle

interrupted

I wasn't able to let go of my anger until I threw myself wholly into working only on myself and my own recovery. I was furious and outraged in my indignation right up until the very second that I let go. It was a turning point for me, and it had far reaching implications on all of the rest of my life - things that I didn't even realize were suffering as a result of my engagement in my family's ongoing dysfunction and addiction issues. My work got easier - it didn't change, but I had changed. My relationship with my healthy fiance got better - he didn't change, but I had changed. Going to the grocery store, waiting in line, the DMV, everything... lightened up. I hadn't even realized how dim my worldview had become until the light came on.

I'm still a work in progress, we all are, but that initial release was the turning point. Keep working on yourself, keep focusing on yourself and what's best for you, your happiness, and your health. You can't make him better, or make him make good decisions, but you can choose to make yourself better independent of his choices. Keep posting here!

Chino

I'm sure he's pretty grumpy. He's given up a very powerful high. He probably fights the desire to get wasted at least 100 times a day. Subs stop withdrawals and craving but they don't stop the desire to get high. That's an inside job and one he faces every moment of every second of every hour of every day, etc.

Understanding that doesn't mean you have to deal with it, though. Deal with what you're able and not a drop more.

Your vent reminds me of a conversation I had with my RAD the other day. She finally insisted her bf had to move out of her apartment. Then after he did, she felt like a huge weight was lifted, but she got angry and asked me how to shake it.

I asked her to remember the person she was angry at the most was herself. He did nothing she didn't allow. It was all her choice all along.