holliefox

Hey, everyone. I graduate in December with a degree in psychology. As a psychology major, I overanalyze things, so here I am! I've studied quite a bit about addiction in the past, and I've read a few things on this site already, but I might still ask some of the same questions every other new person asks... So please bear with me! I was looking things up on google, and I came across a thread from last year. It won't let me post a link because I'm new, but it was called "Pushed away and shut out by my recovering boyfriend" started by dvm2015.

It really struck a cord with me, and I decided to join this site. The biggest difference is that my ex-boyfriend is addicted to pain pills (and weed and Dr. Pepper and feeling sorry for himself, etc.) Of course it's the same ol' story... I love(d) him with everything I had, and we had something special, a connection, etc... He has a troubled past, with a history of depression and anxiety and drug addiction. Underneath it all, he's the sweetest person I know. (*groan* right?) He was an addict when we got together, for some of our relationship, then got clean (from pills only). However, he was still severely depressed, so the relationship tanked anyway. I had my codependent phase, of course, and tried so hard to help him. We remained friends, but his depression got progressively worse. Knowing what I know now, this is probably when he started taking pills again, but I didn't know it at the time. Our just-friends-not-really-just-friends relationship continued for a couple months after that. I got him to a doctor, tried an antidepressant, but it didn't help. We've had a couple other falling outs and coming back togethers since then (as friends only, although can you really just be friends if you're still in love with each other?). They weren't breakups, but I was just trying to remain friends and be there for him through all of his breakdowns. Probably enabled him in some ways, I'm sure, but I was assertive whenever it crossed a line. I've learned to take care of myself first, but I also have such a hard time letting my best friend wither away into nothingness... Even though I know I can't fix him. I just wanted to help him help himself, like all of you have probably tried too...

The question I have now is about the most recent one. We started talking a little more recently, and some weird stuff happened, of course. This time I knew he was messed up. It was kind of a surprise to me, even though it shouldn't have been. It's kind of a long story, so I'll spare you the details... But I found out that he's shooting up the pain pills now. I don't even know what kind they are. But that's what his super-addict brother does, and I guess it rubbed off on him, which infuriates me. So I didn't even realize how bad it was. He ended up blowing up on everyone he cares about, and decided to move to California soon with his idiot brother, who has now moved into his tiny studio garage apartment with him. (His brother isn't an idiot because he's an addict--he's just an idiot in general.) My ex has decided that living in this city is hopeless and there's nothing for him here but bad things. Except me, he says, but he's decided to get out of my life because "he'll always disappoint me." They are planning on weaning themselves off until they save enough money to leave in a couple months. I have no idea how serious they are about it. Of course you can't trust what an addict says, but it's his brother that worries me. He will bring him down until he's dead. His brother is the silver-tongued, master manipulator type of addict, while the ex is the clinically depressed, everything is hopeless addict.

I talked to him recently, but now he is shutting me out. I have no idea if he is for real about recovery and needs the time alone, or if he's just getting worse and worse. He's not mad at me and he still loves me, but he is not telling me what's going on. He says he wants to be alone. I understand that, but I just don't know what's really happening, especially now that his brother is there. I'm going to give him his privacy for a few days, but should I investigate at all? I know it's not my problem, and I know I couldn't do anything anyway, but it really worries me. For him, it's like a life and death thing. He's extremely thin and unhealthy and depressed, and now he's shooting up I don't even know what or how much?? Do I stand around and take my chances, or do I go over there and see what's going on? Do I keep trying to get him help or do I just let go? My mind says one thing and my heart says another, of course. I'm not hanging on to a relationship with him; I'm just concerned for his life.

Sorry for the length and all the things you've heard so many times before... I'm just at a loss. I just need some reassurance one way or the other, or any advice at all, because I'm torn. If you need any details I didn't mention, ask away... Thank you so much for reading this.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to the forum. Many here will understand how torn you are and your confusion about your responsibility to him. And they will have good suggestions for you, based on years of experience.

I think talking to a chemically altered brain is futile. An individual who is either under the influence of narcotics or who is without them but is in a state of craving-- due to the pleasure center's complete dependence on them to make life bearable-- is unable to sit with someone and sort things out.

If you "go over there and see what's going on", it will be that brain that meets you at the door.

I think you are powerless over his addiction. And I think you would endanger yourself to step into the home of two men shooting up whatever the latest drug cocktail is.

AnvilheadII

addicts make lousy boyfriends, and even being a pysch major doesn't equip anyone to deal WITH an addict. you've minimized and rationalized HIS addiction by virtue of being clinically depressed AND shifted the blame in large part to his brother. sure addicts often have underlying issues, and sure some people, places and things can contribute to the continued atmosphere of addiction......

however....he is the one shooting up. he is the one that has to make the break....addicts do get moments of clarity....tiny windows of opportunity when they say oh sh*t, this HAS to stop.....and they can either take ACTION or succumb once again.

you are not equipped to deal with this...only trained professionals in the addiction/recovery process OR other recovering addicts. it concerns me that you state that you GOT HIM to a doctor and GOT HIM on anti-depressants and today you are considering going over there to INVESTIGATE.

I shudder in horror to think what their place looks like....trust me, it is NOT something you want to see. this plan of theirs...to wean off and save money...and then they will sign up to be astronauts with NASA. that is NOt a plan. that is what addicts say when they have no intention of quitting....I'm GONNA....

I know it's tough. he's in a bad place. but you really can't help him. not on your own. you could tell him you believe he can kick this, and give him the number to the NA hotline and wish him well. but please, please don't get any further involved.

holliefox

I can see what you're saying here. Thank you. You are completely right that he is the one doing this to himself, not his brother. The problem I have with his brother is how manipulative he is. I don't blame my ex's drug addiction on him, but I am frustrated that his brother put him in a position that made it worse. But yes, ultimately it was his choice.

I did essentially tell him that when I saw him. I know I'm pretty powerless, but I wasn't sure if I should tell anyone who does have power. I'm getting different answers from different people in my life. I know I have to let go, but it's hard when I have no idea how bad it is. But even if I did, what could I do? Nothing really. I don't even want to go in there. I just want to talk to him for a minute. But I know it's a bad idea. I know he wouldn't hurt me, but I know I can't trust anything he says. I'm just worried...

Thanks, you guys, for the replies

Lily1918

Well, of course he wouldn't hurt you intentionally, but have you ever tried to hold your breath underwater as long as possible? When I was a kid we would sit on the bottom of the deep end, and try to stay down as long as we could. Sometimes I would stay down too long, and panic trying to get to the surface. That's what happens to me when Im feining (craving) and anything in my path gets destroyed on the way.

Just be careful if you talk to him. If his brother is silver tongued then I bet that's why he clings to him. We either need to be eloquent ourselves, or attached to someone who is to survive. Other addicts are the best enablers.
I'm sorry this has happened to you

holliefox

I forgot to add about when I said I "got him" to the doctor. Bad choice of words, but I used them because his mother and I were worried for his safety and convinced him to go. His bouts of wanting to get better are very short-lived, because he thinks there's no point. But I get what you mean. I don't mean to sound like I think I have any real control over any of this. I just wish I did, of course. I wish I could pave the way for him, but I know that's not possible.


This is a good point too. Even if I do talk to him, there wouldn't be much of a point right now, recovering or not. Should I wait to try to talk to him or should I just stay out of it completely? That's really hard, but I know it's the best option. But if I'm stupid and stubborn about it and end up doing it against my better judgement, any advice on how to go about it?

And Lily1918, thanks for the reply. I will be careful if I do. I'm not sure if I will or not. It's actually really strange that he's clinging to his brother. He HATED him three months ago. For a long time. I mean, maybe he loved him deep down, but he literally wanted him to go jump off a cliff. It's so confusing.

I lost my sister to this when I was younger, and it really freaks me out. I don't remember what she was shooting up, but I don't think she meant to kill herself. This is all very real and serious to me, because I can't stand the thought of this person losing his life because of this. I know I have no real control. I know that. But it doesn't help the fact that I feel like I should do something, anything. If he does move away, fine, it's out of my reach. But right now, I'm so worried and anxious about it. I've been talking with his mom, but she doesn't know what to do either. His brother talks to her and reassures her everything is fine, but I can't help but believe it's a boldfaced lie. Maybe it's not, I don't know. I just hate being in the dark.

Thanks again everybody.

OneNightAWeek

I went to see an addiction doctor about my husband’s drug use. Its been the best decision Ive made so far; the doctor told me that it is important to keep talking to my husband about getting help for his addiction. But it is the way that you do it is very important. Before I went to see him, I was talking to my husband all the time about his drug use, badgering him, making him feel like all I saw when I was around him was an addict and not a person. And I was trying to talk to him at all the wrong times too – when he was high there was no point, when he was coming down and feeling sick there was no point. All that made me frustrated and feeling ignored and angry. I got a grip on myself and began to talk to him when he was as level headed as I could, and I stopped badgering him, and began telling him how his use was hurting me, our relationship, and I let him talk without judging or criticizing.

I didn’t tell him I went to see the addiction doctor at first, but I did after a while. He was angry at first, but now he seems ok with it, and I share things the doctor has given me about addiction, and we have been able to talk. He still thinks he can stop on his own, his drug is cocaine. He has not been binging, not been acting crazy anymore, but I know he is still using. Anyway, I think he is getting closer to making his own appointment with the doctor, but until he does it could go either way.

I wouldn’t put yourself at physical risk to try to help, two guys shooting up drugs sounds dangerous. But his brother sounds like bad news. It sounds a lot like your friend is almost codependent upon the brother and following his lead, and you said he has depression. They need to be apart I think, but you cant make that happen unless he sees it himself. Have either of them ever had any help of any kind ? You were talking about his mom; did you guys ever think about looking for someone who specializes who might help you figure out what kind of help might be available?

What kind of doctor did he see for depression? And don’t feel bad about wanting to get him help, or helping him in the past see a doctor, you didn’t do anything wrong. People with addictions are sick, but with drugs they cant even see how sick they are, they are not thinking right. My husband works, and is overall a wonderful man, but he cant see what he has been doing to himself with these drugs. I don’t think he will see it until he has been off them for a while. Some people don’t like them, but interventions that are done with help from a professional can work and get someone to agree to get help, maybe talk to his mom and other family, see if anyone is interested? Ive thought about it, but family doesn’t even know about the drug use yet.

Studying psychology maybe you could think about locating someone in the field who can advise you, we all have to do what we feel is best, just dont put yourself in danger, be careful

holliefox

Thank you so much for this reply.
When I talked to him recently, I tried to communicate with him in the way that you were describing. I didn't lecture him or criticize him, but I did express my concern. He responded well and was actually pretty nice, but he was high at the time, so it probably wasn't actually effective at all. Now he has shut me out again out of nowhere. He "needs to be alone" and I don't know what that means since he is not even technically alone over there. I don't know if he's coming down and is miserable from it or if he's just gotten worse.

I'm looking into addiction doctors and therapists now. I wrote them down for him and for me, and I'd like to give it to him. I know he won't want it, but at least he can have the information in case he changes his mind. His mom and I are going to try an Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday as well. (We don't have a Nar-Anon in my city.)

The doctor we brought him to was just a family practitioner, because he was so against a therapist. I thought it would be fine anyway, since he has other health problems as well. (Heart issues, sleep issues, bad nutrition, underweight, etc.). But he really needs a therapist, I think. Not just for the addiction. But I know he won't listen to me about it. Both of us are only 22. His brother is 26.

His brother tried NA meetings in the past but stopped going. My mother is a psychiatric nurse in the addiction ward at our psychiatric hospital, and he was admitted there for a short time. My mom worked with him, but because of confidentiality, she couldn't tell me much. All she said was that it's a shame because he's a cool guy underneath it. However, I don't understand him at all, and I have no idea what his true motives ever are. If he really is serious about recovery, then he could possibly be helpful to my friend. If not, like I said, it could be devastating.

I talk to his mother a lot, and I hope we can try to come up with something. Either just let it go and hope for the best, or try to convince him to go into therapy or an intervention or meetings, etc.

I wish I could know the best time to talk to him, like you said... But I don't live with him, so how could I go about that? When he doesn't answer me for days, I worry, but I don't know if it warrants a trip over there.