SoberHappyHour

So I've been sober about 8 and a half months .. I've not dated at all during that time. Mostly because I've been so busy. But I've had women attempt to go out with me throughout this time, and I've seen many in here say not to date at the beginning of recovery. I don't think I'd have a problem going on a date at this point, as I feel absolutely incredible. What is the general rule though for how long one in recovery should wait to date ? And whats the reasoning ?

ScottFromWI

I don't think there is a general rule. If you feel you are up for it emotionally after 8 months it would probably be ok. The big issue of course is making sure it doesn't affect your sobriety, either by where you go or what you do. Will you be ok of your date orders a drink and asks if you want one too?

TKS

What would you do on the first date? I', recently out of a 6 year relationship and I couldn't imagine dating anytime in the future. And if I ever did, I wouldn't know how to go on a first date without the suggestion of 'catching up for a few drinks' arising.

I guess you would need to have an answer if that scenario came up. Admitting to your alcoholism on a first date is probably not a good start.

miko67

Gd question , I've bn on one date didn't go well. But I've been out trying to chat t girls at the bar-- bad idea, didn't like it at all. I felt very vulnerable without the Dutch courage because I don't think I have ever chatted up a lady without it- ever :-( .
I think datings ok yeah you got to enjoy life too, but for me sobriety is before anything and anyone. Just watch how you go. I also looking forward to opinions on this one also.
Peace

Threshold

Only you know your own pattern when it comes to relationships. Some people get in over their head way quick and others seem to be able to pace themselves and create healthy boundaries.

I think it's worth asking yourself what you want as far as relationships right now..companionship, sex, prelude to something long term...etc etc, and make sure the person you date is on the same page. Early recovery is a lousy time to have to start trying to meet someone's agenda for us, or end up taking care of someone else when we are just learning to walk again ourselves.

kittycat3

Avoiding the bar / inevitable drinking scenario is a great reason to keep first dates to coffee places!
Some say 1 year as a rule of thumb, so you have been through all the seasons sober, but also so you aren't replacing alcohol or drug addictions with people. But you know yourself better than anyone, so if it feels right I say go for it!

Dee74

There is no rule - but I think there's good sense behind that one year thing you hear.

I had to discover who I was, and how I worked sober...I had a lot of problems my drinking was masking and I needed to sort those out too.

In short I had to get my shizzle together before I offered that shizzle to anyone else.

I also needed to be secure enough to deal with the ups and downs any relationship might bring, and with the social pressure to appear 'normal' and to drink...and to know - for sure - that even if the worst happened I wouldn't drink.

Do you think you're ok on all those scores, SHH? (rhetorical question )

D

kittycat3

Dee is on the shizzle fo' shizzle!

Amajorityofone

my .02
Define your parameters before, not after you get into a relationship. This way you'll know when someone is "out of bounds."

Personally, I refuse to not only date, but associate with anyone that drinks, smokes, or does drugs of any kind. This simple decision has, of course, narrowed my personal field of relationships considerably....which is also a good thing.

Eleni58

The last time I quit drinking, (15 years ago) I waited 2 years to start dating again and immediately fell off the wagon on the first date.

This time when I quit drinking, I was already in a four-year relationship which for the most part has been great!

Everyone is different and has their own timetables as to when they feel they are ready. If you are ready, then go for it! But I agree that you should not tell anyone on a first date that you are an alcoholic.

Threshold

Just had another thought on this...I am in a relationship, and you know, the relationship itself is great. He treats me well, we have fun together, want the same future...but.

When I get in a relationship with a person, I have to remember that I am also in a relationship with their "baggage"...so now I have to deal with his high stress job. I am not as compatible with that as I am with him.

I KNOW I would not want to have to deal with anyone's under age kids. I like kids. I had kids. I was a teacher...but I have no interest or patience for that anymore.

I once had a best friend whom I adored... She wanted to take her dog everywhere. This put many limitations on the relationship, and took a lot of adjusting to.

So, I may be a totally selfish immature person, but I have to understand my own limits. Sometimes I can handle the person, and our interactions, but the fine print drives me over the edge.

Your mileage may vary.

Gottalife

I always thought there was a difference between going on a date on a casual basis, and being in a relationship. The advice I have heard is no relationships for some arbitrary time period.

There is nothing in the AA program about how to conduct ourselves specifically in this area, or what would be an appropriate time to wait. What is clear is that whether you are in a relationship or not has nothing to do with whether you will stay sober or not.

I do not advise the people I sponsor on their relationships. It's none of my business. But if you feel ok and your motives are thoroughly good, by all means go on a date. How else are you going to learn how to relate to people. You might make mistakes, painful ones like I did, but it's all part of growing up. If you are serious about your sobriety and honestly trying to work your program you will find God gives you the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them, rather than drink over them.

Eleni58

Believe it or not, I am dealing with my boyfriend's high stress job much better now that I am sober. I was very impatient with him when I was drunk (i.e. I would tell him to man up and quit his whining or remind him that he chose this profession, so learn to deal with the stress). Looking back on it, I sure was mean!

Now I console him and do whatever it takes to get him comfortable and relaxed when he comes home from work and I have no problem in doing so.

SoberHappyHour

I kno that I wouldn't be tempted to drink if she had one or two, especially if I was driving. But I think my biggest issue would be if its with a woman who just has lots of drinks and gets drunk on our date. I would prefer a woman who does not drink, but if its just a couple I wouldn't mind. But as someone mentioned here, the safest date would probably be a coffee date. Idk, maybe ill just wait til the one year mark as someone also mentioned, so ill have gone thru all the seasons without a drink. But I thought thought summer would be the toughest, but so far so good. However, I haven't gone out very much during this summer and have avoided temptations for the most part.

LuLu13

I think it is our alcoholism that makes us think every date needs to include a drink. My daughter rarely drinks, maybe twice a year. She is single and has dated several guys in the last year. Yes, a coffee house is a great place to start but she has also been asked to go hiking, go on a bike ride, a museum, a ghost tour...all things that do not involve alcohol. There are people who live life without drinking and who are not in AA. I don't know about other cities but here there are a few websites, that are free, where singles can go and see planned activities and decide whether to attend or not. The activities are hugely varied and since it is a large group setting there is not so much pressure, it is looked at as a way to meet people.

ReadyAtLast

I think it's good you are considering what you do and don't want. So if you take a woman out and on the first date she drinks loads then probably best if it's the last date

Often you only find out these things by doing-unless it's someone you know beforehand and you know she does/doesn't drink

Grungehead

For me I would have to ask myself if I was ready to handle the emotional aspects of a possible relationship. What if I fell for someone but they didn't fall for me? What if they fell for me but I didn't fall for them? What if we both fell for each other and god forbid I found myself in a serious relationship?



When I'm ready for the emotional roller coaster of a relationship I'll start dating again, and I guess my HP will let me know when that is.

Linnie

My husband and I got coffee for our first date. Our second date we got Chinese food and ice cream. The third date we went to a concert. We didn't have a drink together until about 3 weeks in. We were both trying to conceal our tobacco use. Booze and cigs just.... GO together. Moral of the story is: dates are fun without booze!

Amajorityofone

Based on my experience ( I'm on day 368) I can tell you with absolute certainty that you will find someone that drinks to excess unattractive.

Beautiful women that drink to excess, also tend to secretly smoke when they drink. At least all of the ones I know, do. But this was only the tip of the ice berg. The last beautiful woman I met that drank to excess was also on prescription medication for depression. How can someone not work, have a personal trainer for everything, drive a mercedes and play golf everyday be depressed? Talk about an oxy moron! This poor woman was like a love tank with a leak! With each passing day I felt like I was dating a human Ferrari.

Extremely hot but ridiculously expensive to maintain.

In the end, I simply walked away.

Hope this helps...