Working on detachment

Old 08-22-2013, 03:49 PM
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Working on detachment

My RAH moved out at my request earlier in Aug. I also filed for legal separation 8/2 and he is cooperating. Our future is still a possibility but I just dont know right now. I need time.
Now I am working on detachment which is HARD. I see him , text him, talk to him every day still. mostly about the kids. Being together for 13 years and 3 kids is hard to just stop communication. Which is ironic because we have not communicated well for the entire marriage.

Things I have done to detach:
Stopped opening his mail! I just leave it for him.
Don't pay any bills that are just his, like medical bills and credit card.
Don't do any laundry that may still be around my house.
Don't make or offer him food.
Stopped refilling his prescriptions and reminding him to do things.

I finally realized I was enabling and have been very co-dependent.
What have you done to detach?
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Old 08-22-2013, 03:55 PM
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Those are great!

Stopped trying to find him a job.
Stopped making it easier for him to spend time with his son (gas money or rides).
Stopped buying minutes for his phone.
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Old 08-22-2013, 07:41 PM
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Stop feeling responsible for his moods (good or bad).
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Old 08-22-2013, 08:23 PM
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Let Go and Let God. Though I actually think of it as turning it over to The Universe.

The Universe is actually very competent. Every day, the sun comes up (right on time), and the world spins o n it's own axis--And I have never had to lift a single finger!!!!

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Old 08-25-2013, 07:00 AM
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Detachment is something that I'm struggling with. I just keep reminding myself that his problems are just that, I have my own to deal with.

-Noticed he is out of coffee this morning and have no intention of picking up more. (I don't drink coffee)

-I've stopped worrying about him blowing off tomorrow's work due to being drunk today. Not my problem if he loses another customer.

-He told me last week he didn't have enough money in his account to cover his insurance payment hinting that he wanted me to cover it for him. I didn't!

-If I come home to him drunk/sleeping on the couch, I make dinner for me and let him fend for himself when he wakes up.

It actually feels good to do these things.
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Old 08-27-2013, 11:49 AM
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Hi, everyone. Glad I found this forum. Here's my story. I am trying to remain strong through the detachment but then I worry about it. My curiosity gets the better of me and I want to see if he's in treatment or recovery. Sigh.

Breaking away/detaching

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I met my soul mate in 5th grade. A year later, I lost my soul mate when I went to a different school.

We found each other again in 2011 and had the best relationship ever. Truly. At that time he had been sober for about 11-12 years.

A year ago, he was diagnosed with oral cancer (tongue-based caused by alcohol and tobacco). The chemo and radiation was so bad, I thought he was going to die but we got him through it. During his recovery, late Spring, he began to act 'loopy' - much like he did when he was dehydrated from lack of nutrition and hydration during cancer treatment.

On Friday, July 26th, I found his vodka stash. By Sunday, the 28th, he was smashed in front of me for the first time. Guess it was ok now that the cat was out of the bag and I knew he was drinking...? Went to an Al-Anon meeting that night. I had never known alcoholism or seen it before this.

On Monday, July 29th, I told him he had to leave to work this sh*t out. I told him to just take the few things he needed for however long it would it take. He had told me 2 days prior that he needed 2 days to detox with a health care provider present. I'm so ignorant to the disease, I thought it would take him 2 days. My daughter had suffered during the school year because of the cancer. I couldn't have her suffer again in the last year of middle school for something like alcoholism plus the fact that I refused to have her exposed to it. I told him he had 1 month to get clean/sober or move out.

I came home the next day to an empty house. He taken everything he owned. Later, he admitted it was because he was ashamed.

My problem is that I keep getting pulled into the text/email communications, too. I had been trying to remain loving and supportive and not give him a reason to drink. well, I think I just figured out that he's drinking without me giving him a reason so WTH. I responded yesterday with no more text/email games. Please go get well. xoxo

There's the story of the love of my life and the best relationship ever destroyed in a year.

Thanks for letting me share.

Traci
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by TRAD View Post
My problem is that I keep getting pulled into the text/email communications, too. I had been trying to remain loving and supportive and not give him a reason to drink. well, I think I just figured out that he's drinking without me giving him a reason so WTH. I responded yesterday with no more text/email games. Please go get well. xoxo

There's the story of the love of my life and the best relationship ever destroyed in a year.

Thanks for letting me share.

Traci
Hi Traci,

Sorry you're going through all this, it can be so hard to be in love with an alcoholic, I know, I am too.

It doesn't matter if you give him a reason to drink or not, because it really has nothing to do with you. I'm sure you've heard of the 3 Cs by now? I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. It really is the truth.

Although I haven't done it, I've read of many people doing a No Contact with their A's. Even change your number if you have too.

Maybe worth a try?

I wish you both all the best.
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Old 08-27-2013, 03:03 PM
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What have you done to detach?
Stopped answering any email from him for any reason. It takes work. I composed angry responses to two ridiculous messages received from him today but deleted the drafts before clicking send.
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Old 09-01-2013, 03:20 PM
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I'm confused, I think? I will do his laundry, get his coffee, keep the house clean, make meals. Isn't this just being nice? He doesn't demand it in fact he appreciates it. He will cook every so often too. He tends to the bills & works from home. He's a functioning A

I never buy his alcohol, if he wants it he has to go get it and he does.

Is this part of enabling my AH? I've moved into the guest room today but will continue to be civil. I told him I couldn't continue the roller coaster ride & moved my things to the guest room so I could have some peace. My next step is to re-locate once I get my ducks in a row.

Over all though I intend to be polite. He made another promise but I told him I don't trust him (he was surprised by that) So I'm just continuing to moved forward for me & hope to be done with this dysfunction soon. I just couldn't share the same room with him any longer.

If I continue to do those for-lack-of-a-better-word "wifey" things am I sending the wrong message?
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