SoaringSpirits

I haven't been to this forum in months. SR was such a wonderful source of support during the very dark times in my life, but at one point I found it to be a trigger and have had to stay off. But I thought I'd pop by and update, since I always enjoyed reading updates from people who had made it through hell.

My story in a nutshell: 18 year marriage to a decent man, 4 kids. Over the last 6-8 years of our marriage, my husband descended into alcoholism in a most spectacular way. I begged him repeatedly to get help, but of course he didn't because he didn't have a problem -- I did (silly me!).

I was a SAHM for 15 years, and I was terrified. In May of 2011, I woke up one day and told him to pack a bag and leave immediately. He did. Thus began some truly dark times for me as I waited and hoped he'd finally get help. He didn't. He never did. Our legal separation will be final by the end of this year.

I managed to get our house, and today the loan funds. My name is the only one on the loan and title. This is a huge milestone for me.

I took over my husband's company last December. He was in the process of running it into the ground via gross mismanagement. After 15 years of being a SAHM, I began working 60 hours a week trying to save the company and sort out the huge cluster#$@& that was our formerly very lucrative company. I became CFO, CEO, HR, and office grunt all in one fell swoop. I've fired half the staff (one of whom was making $100k and barely working!). I've hired new staff. What an adventure it has been. I'm grateful to finally have some control over my future and finances.

Our kids are happier. I am happier. The hard times do come and go, but I've found that over time it gets incrementally easier. The dark days are fewer and father between. The good times are greater. I cannot imagine going back to what was. I see and talk to my AH frequently. The detachment has made it possible for us to have a friendly, amicable relationship. He has not found recovery.

For those of you in the trenches, I am writing to say that it's possible to survive and eventually thrive. Keep going with Al Anon, the 12 steps and SR, keep reading, keep going with therapy, processing, journaling, working on detachment, working on yourself, making the most stable life possible for your kids. In the end, I realized this was the best gift I could ever give my children --- a sane, healthy mom with good boundaries and a lot of love to give both them and herself.

The dark days don't last forever. I would not have believed this even a year ago, but one day I caught myself feeling....happy. I hadn't felt this emotion in years. I had forgotten what it was like to feel joy. For so many years with my AH, I felt like I was living with a plastic bag over my head with just enough air holes so that I could breathe, but not enough so that I could thrive. Living with an A totally messed with my head!

Today, the plastic bag is gone. The brief glimpses of happiness turned into hours, and those hours turned into days. And now the good times far outweigh the hard times and pain. The pain is still there, sure, but it's no longer overwhelming.

Thanks to all of you here at SR. This board was my lifeline and I am eternally grateful for it. Here I learned that my story was typical, that I was not alone, and that I had a choice about how my life would be.

Thank you everyone for posting and sharing, and hugs to those of you in the trenches.

~SoaringSpirits

ACOAHappyNow

What a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I admire you so deeply for choosing health and freedom. I can't imagine how hard it must have been, but look at you now!

I hope you will have many more days of joy ahead and zero more days of the plastic bag (what a great analogy!)

fedup3

I'm so happy those DARK DAYS are gone! You've come a long way Soaringspirits from when you first came and now you're giving hope to a lot of people on this forum! Keep coming back and don't forget about us.

Tuffgirl

Well said and well done!

This post reminds me of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water."

lsw2boys

Your post gave me so much hope today..I was feeling so sad. I had just told my father that I am going to leave AH and he is very against divorce at any cost/reason. It took so much courage to tell him and I anticipated his reaction. However, I know that I am making a better life for me and my kids even if it means their mom is not at home anymore.

I needed to hear that there is a brighter (not necessarily) easier future ahead for us!! Thank you so much for remembering SR.

marie1960

Good to hear from you and glad to hear life is going good for you.

So often people come to these boards asking Can he/she recover? is it going to get better ? or The, I love him/her and cannot imagine my life without them, so I am living miserably while he/ she continues to drink his/her life away.

You my friend, are an amazing example that life can and does continue in spite of this horrible disease.

Way to go, you have done real good.

Congrats.

nbay2013

As someone newly in non contact with XAB, thank you so much for taking the time to post here. It means so much.

Carrie

pookielou

Thank you so much for your inspiring post. I too had kicked my AH out of the house and waited for him to work on his life and get some help. While I hoped and prayed he would get sober during that time, he was out having an affair and getting the other woman pregnant. Our divorce finalized last week and I know that I'm giving our baby and me a chance for peace and happiness. It's good to hear that the dark days don't last forever.

Hopeworks

Thanks for coming back to share your E,S and H... being reminded that each of us can find our way out and our own personal path to true freedom, happiness, joy and serenity is what it is all about!

I am very, very happy now after spending 4 years with the "plastic bag on my head" I finally shook the XA 2 years ago.

Wavy

Thanks for sharing your story. Its a great source of hope for me, just breaking free from my A.

funkynassau

Congrats on getting your life back on track and for being happy! I dont know what it's like to live in your shoes, I can only imagine how hard it was. You deserve happiness and I am so glad you have found it! Your post will be inspirational to many, I'm sure!

Jazzman

Having experienced living in a home with an alcoholic father and codependent mother who was petrified to kick him out.... I'm your biggest fan boy. You did the best thing you could have done for your children and that deserves way more than a "thanks" button.

SoaringSpirits

Hey Jazzman, thanks for this. I've struggled with a lot of guilt about putting my kids through a family separation. I came from a really solid family and always thought my kids would grow up with both parents. I had to get them out of the toxic situation with their dad, but it's something that is very sad for me. It really helps to hear the 'other side' from people who lived with the chaos as kids, it reminds me that I chose the lesser of two evils. Thanks.