left my Alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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left my Alcoholic boyfriend
ugh. i am struggling people. I have been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. I left him a few weeks ago for the 2nd time and he said he was gonna kill himself, so I accompanied him to some AA meetings and that was it. We had major trust issues aside from his gross abuse of pot and drinking. He said he had nothing to hide, knew it was all his fault, and wanted to show me apparently that things were different. That lasted 2 weeks until he blacked out at someone's place he shouldn't have been at and I just called it quits completely , NO communication whatsoever. He slept with this person a decade ago he says, and she is just a friend he drinks with, and blacks out with apparently? and lies to me about for 3 years .. I just got sick of it and said if you wanted me in your life... then why would you be at her place of all places .. drinking... to a blackout...?
Livid to say the least and now just sad. But nowhere close to going back. He keeps calling me, and doesn't dare explain himself through text. I know he is wondering if we will " work this out " but I am really done and wondering at what point that will sink in. This is the first time that I can absolutely say I do not trust him anymore at all, have any faith in anything he says, and do not have an ounce of mercy for him and have made plans to go on a date and MOVE ON for the first time ever!! .. Which is probably why he doesn't explain but keeps calling at this point desperately. I think he gave up monday after a LONG amount of redials sunday night.
I don't know if and when he will realize its truly over, and if that will even matter in terms of him getting help. He is aware he has a problem, has called his parents with me on the phone, and has also said he cant imagine his life without me in it. I am his best friend. I dunno, i hope for him he can figure out how to get sober b/c for me even then its a long shot that I will even begin to trust him enough to give him a chance.
Livid to say the least and now just sad. But nowhere close to going back. He keeps calling me, and doesn't dare explain himself through text. I know he is wondering if we will " work this out " but I am really done and wondering at what point that will sink in. This is the first time that I can absolutely say I do not trust him anymore at all, have any faith in anything he says, and do not have an ounce of mercy for him and have made plans to go on a date and MOVE ON for the first time ever!! .. Which is probably why he doesn't explain but keeps calling at this point desperately. I think he gave up monday after a LONG amount of redials sunday night.
I don't know if and when he will realize its truly over, and if that will even matter in terms of him getting help. He is aware he has a problem, has called his parents with me on the phone, and has also said he cant imagine his life without me in it. I am his best friend. I dunno, i hope for him he can figure out how to get sober b/c for me even then its a long shot that I will even begin to trust him enough to give him a chance.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Welcome bird13. I'm sorry you are feeling in a bad place right now. You are doing the right thing, protecting yourself from the hurt he brings with him. Its hard and takes courage. I just left my ABF as well, so I understand it sucks.
Have you thought about blocking his number if his calls are becoming a nuisance to you?
Are you doing anything to look after yourself? Have you tried an AlAnon meeting? For me AlAnon has been a wonderful place of support and understanding through all this and has helped me have the strength, firstly to leave, and secondly to know that whatever happens I'll be OK.
Have you thought about blocking his number if his calls are becoming a nuisance to you?
Are you doing anything to look after yourself? Have you tried an AlAnon meeting? For me AlAnon has been a wonderful place of support and understanding through all this and has helped me have the strength, firstly to leave, and secondly to know that whatever happens I'll be OK.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Welcome!
I like what Wavy says above - you can choose to go no contact and allow yourself time to heal. There is no reason you have to continue to be dragged into the emotional turmoil if you don't want to.
And everyone here can understand the trust issues very well. Of course you don't trust him. That's very normal and common.
You have every right to end a toxic relationship. What he does or doesn't do is now on him.
Peace,
~T
I like what Wavy says above - you can choose to go no contact and allow yourself time to heal. There is no reason you have to continue to be dragged into the emotional turmoil if you don't want to.
And everyone here can understand the trust issues very well. Of course you don't trust him. That's very normal and common.
You have every right to end a toxic relationship. What he does or doesn't do is now on him.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It takes allot of courage to walk away from a relationship that is no longer working for you. And it takes allot of strength to stay away from it.
I agree, blocking his phone # to prevent his emotional blackmail to you is a very wise decision.
I also suggest you read and research as much as you can about active addiction and what addicts do. Threats of suicide, threats of not being able to live without you is pretty standard manipulation tactics done by most addicts so they can keep life just as it is without any changes.
And on the flip side of the addiction coin is the co-dependent side- your side. Do some research on codependency and where you might see yourself and some of your own behaviors. Ending a long term relationship then instantly going on a date could be a big red flag.
Hope you stick around here and hope you give alanon a try.
I agree, blocking his phone # to prevent his emotional blackmail to you is a very wise decision.
I also suggest you read and research as much as you can about active addiction and what addicts do. Threats of suicide, threats of not being able to live without you is pretty standard manipulation tactics done by most addicts so they can keep life just as it is without any changes.
And on the flip side of the addiction coin is the co-dependent side- your side. Do some research on codependency and where you might see yourself and some of your own behaviors. Ending a long term relationship then instantly going on a date could be a big red flag.
Hope you stick around here and hope you give alanon a try.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Hi guys, thanks for your support. I have been in Al-anon a year or so, which is the only reason i was able to "wind down" on his nonsense and eventually break up last month. I had already gotten a distance on the manipulation, and saw it like I see a bird in a pond. LOL. Just an object.. floating on by..
But obviously suicide was a new one. And now that it has been recently used up as well, he has no cards left to play and all the pleading in the world would not make me buy that it will be different. I passed that point awhile ago. That is why I didn't bother to block his #. He gets it. He quit calling Monday. I am SURE he will try again in a week and is probably hoping I will come down from being "raging mad" as he put it. He doesn't realize that I was mad that day, but that is not what has kept me away. I guess time will show that to him, in the meantime i do miss him but am so shut down in the point of "No return"- even if he got it and was dying to get me back- I couldn't muster up anything to do it on some sweet words or promises. Only a text about needing a ride to rehab can do it at this point.
I am doing many good things for myself to not sulk or be devastated. One of them being that I keep reminding myself: I left because it was finally unbearable and so dishonest that I realized he was completely taking me for granted to the worst degree. Secondly, it was not going to " magically change " one fine morning and he knew he was treating me bad in many areas of the relationship. Not just honesty. I am the love of his life for sure, but that doesn't mean he treated me like it and was honest about that with himself while I am begging him to be. He knew. He was playing that game so I really gave the disease back to him when I finally stopped arguing and walked out. It was liberating in some ways, Spiritually I am just putting all of it into prayer honestly. ALL OF IT. That is all I can give Us and ME right now and am capable of doing.
Much love. x
But obviously suicide was a new one. And now that it has been recently used up as well, he has no cards left to play and all the pleading in the world would not make me buy that it will be different. I passed that point awhile ago. That is why I didn't bother to block his #. He gets it. He quit calling Monday. I am SURE he will try again in a week and is probably hoping I will come down from being "raging mad" as he put it. He doesn't realize that I was mad that day, but that is not what has kept me away. I guess time will show that to him, in the meantime i do miss him but am so shut down in the point of "No return"- even if he got it and was dying to get me back- I couldn't muster up anything to do it on some sweet words or promises. Only a text about needing a ride to rehab can do it at this point.
I am doing many good things for myself to not sulk or be devastated. One of them being that I keep reminding myself: I left because it was finally unbearable and so dishonest that I realized he was completely taking me for granted to the worst degree. Secondly, it was not going to " magically change " one fine morning and he knew he was treating me bad in many areas of the relationship. Not just honesty. I am the love of his life for sure, but that doesn't mean he treated me like it and was honest about that with himself while I am begging him to be. He knew. He was playing that game so I really gave the disease back to him when I finally stopped arguing and walked out. It was liberating in some ways, Spiritually I am just putting all of it into prayer honestly. ALL OF IT. That is all I can give Us and ME right now and am capable of doing.
Much love. x
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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WAVY:
I'm sure that was hard for you. I am sorry. ((hugs)) .. How was it for you? It has been two months, but really two weeks since this final blowout. How long have you made it so far? And what was your experience when you left?
I'd really like to know if you dont mind sharing. Thank you.
I'm sure that was hard for you. I am sorry. ((hugs)) .. How was it for you? It has been two months, but really two weeks since this final blowout. How long have you made it so far? And what was your experience when you left?
I'd really like to know if you dont mind sharing. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
I also went for Round #2 with my XABF recently. He came back months later after dumping me, said he "changed", missed me, etc....Yeah, this "changed" him lasted almost 3 weeks! Then, he was standing me up because he was blacked out/hungover, getting hostile, picking fights, etc. Then, he vanished as if I did something wrong! I totally understand the loss of trust you are feeling. It's painful and confusing...Hopefully coming here to SR will help you through this. It's helped me tons!
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That's horrible. I actually left him after a year and a half when he was in a crisis, and didn't know addiction back then like i do now. I went back after a week LOL he found some therapist. that lasted 6 months, while he got plastered again over time.. this is the 2nd time now another year and a half later.. although this time was not a crisis for him, but for me b/c it was a major trust situation for us- Although he wasn't cheating, he knew it was bad what he did and it just had been something we talked about that made me uncomfortable so I considered it a HUGE sign of nothing changing- and he got caught b/c he blacked out. Thats it. So this time I took a hike. How do u even know if they have really changed. It's impossible to tell.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
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Originally Posted by bird13 
WAVY:
I'm sure that was hard for you. I am sorry. ((hugs)) .. How was it for you? It has been two months, but really two weeks since this final blowout. How long have you made it so far? And what was your experience when you left?
I'd really like to know if you dont mind sharing. Thank you.
I'm sure that was hard for you. I am sorry. ((hugs)) .. How was it for you? It has been two months, but really two weeks since this final blowout. How long have you made it so far? And what was your experience when you left?
I'd really like to know if you dont mind sharing. Thank you.
We had a lot of trust issues, and when he was drunk I trusted him even less because he had no idea what he was doing. He could honestly believe and tell me nothing happened, but he had no way of knowing that for sure with the amount he drunk, I'd witnessed that for myself. He cheated on me several times and never really made any attempt to try to earn my trust back. I asked him to stop staying out all night long because it really played up my trust issues. He said he would, then didn't and that really didn't help my trust! I knew there could be no long term future if I couldn't trust him.
Sometimes I feel lonely, but really I am no more alone now that I was a few weeks ago, he was gone a lot drinking or working and was often mean when he was home and I'd wish he wasn't. I spent the first few days crying constantly, even tho it was my choice and I knew the right choice. Now things are calmer and I'm still 100% sure in my decision, but its still hard because I love this man, its just not the best thing to be with him.
I'm glad to hear you've go to AlAnon and that its helped you get to this place of being able to stand up for yourself. I wouldn't have been able to do what I've done without AlAnon's help along the way. How are you feeling today?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Reading that felt like I was reading my own post. Except that I have never actually caught him cheating on me, but his behavior was always borderline inappropriate and defensive. For the entire relationship his iPhone was "face down" when he wasn't using it, and he ended up in strip clubs high on cocaine twice in blackout mode when we were together. Good times.
it's funny, the drinking part is fatal for him but his lying and screwing with my mind was fatal or me, and in the end it was what made me give up all hope. NEVER tried to earn back trust bc in his book he never cheated to begin with. Extremely frustrating and I have a lot of resentment there.
I cried randomly here and there, but really like you said felt so lonely in it being out of it wasn't too different. Just missing the animal comfort at that point. and obviously had fear of losing him which dies down when you see how truly hard it is to lose an alcoholic.
I did not push myself to go out with people- they shove drinks in front of u without a clue of what u just went through saying- get a rebound! That I didn't need. It added to the pain. I read books, meditated, called my counselor- a lot, had a FEW good people I trusted to spend an evening with, and now I am doing good. I have even had moments of thinking about how the future can finally turn Into something I want bc it isn't upto him getting sober anymore. I feel like in a way- he probably respects me way more than he did before I left bc then even though I used al-anon... He said- what are u waiting for - me to change???! He was rude and treated me like a carpet no matter what. 1 day at a time, and no expectations of what I should be doing. I'm good for today.
it's funny, the drinking part is fatal for him but his lying and screwing with my mind was fatal or me, and in the end it was what made me give up all hope. NEVER tried to earn back trust bc in his book he never cheated to begin with. Extremely frustrating and I have a lot of resentment there.
I cried randomly here and there, but really like you said felt so lonely in it being out of it wasn't too different. Just missing the animal comfort at that point. and obviously had fear of losing him which dies down when you see how truly hard it is to lose an alcoholic.
I did not push myself to go out with people- they shove drinks in front of u without a clue of what u just went through saying- get a rebound! That I didn't need. It added to the pain. I read books, meditated, called my counselor- a lot, had a FEW good people I trusted to spend an evening with, and now I am doing good. I have even had moments of thinking about how the future can finally turn Into something I want bc it isn't upto him getting sober anymore. I feel like in a way- he probably respects me way more than he did before I left bc then even though I used al-anon... He said- what are u waiting for - me to change???! He was rude and treated me like a carpet no matter what. 1 day at a time, and no expectations of what I should be doing. I'm good for today.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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I want to share 1 thing that helped me the MOST.. If you have a place you can go for a week or two right now in the beginning of this breakup it may help. I went to California for a week, then to my parents house. I really got physically out of the area to shake up my mind from getting back into old ruts and habits of wanting to call him, and go by his place or to the park I love near his house... Which will make me miss him. I enjoyed things somewhere else for a bit and going back I feel much stronger. Even if it is a few days- do it when u feel weak.
Take care
Take care
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I can't get away right now, but I've moved to a different area of the city, so I'm not around the places we spent a lot of time together in or where I might bump into him. I was still checking his facebook, but challenged myself to go a whole day without doing that today and have 52 minutes left before I succeed!
In a few weeks time I'll get to spend the weekend with my family, which is always nice and will be something to look forward to. I would love to spend a week in California right now! If only that were an option!
In a few weeks time I'll get to spend the weekend with my family, which is always nice and will be something to look forward to. I would love to spend a week in California right now! If only that were an option!
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