Hopefiend512

I have been in recovery now for 7 yrs and am grateful each day I live free from my DOC. I feel free on the inside today even on my roughest days. I am by far where I hope to be in this life but i take one breath after the other thankfully waking each morn to a new day, hoping to do things better than the day before. I am reunified with my family, friends, and most importantly my 2 children who are now 20 and 24. My struggle is I have conflict with my son because I see the disease in his life and he doesn't recognize it as such... well I think at times he may hear me and know that it's possible because his life is unmanageable and he cannot gain control or day to day living w/o a substance. Although alcohol has never been my problem his father is an alcoholic/addict and his parents and grandparents all died from the disease of alcoholism. Early on I explained to birth of my children about the genetics of alcohol/drug addiction and it's a disease that they will or can be affected by. I think for my son the embarrassment of I am not my father or my mother keeps him from even closely admitting to himself he may have a problem, but I know. i mean I was a pro a active addiction for years. I am so afraid for him. I knew about it all and now I found out he's tried cocaine something that he would never admit (for embarrassment of being a dope-fiend). I tried talking about consequences in the long term, like it's a party at 24 but you wake up and your 30 and an alcoholic/addict. I even texted him a long texted about the cocaine issue and simply said I know for a fact you tried it and it only gets better with each try please don't use it and if yo need to talk or get hel I won't judge you just come I'm here. I blatantly called with the "mama don't ever text me anything like that I ain't no dope-fiend" I stopped him and said look I don't need a call from the text it's of concern and to let you know you can come to me no matter what it is. You see my son has been with me since I was 15 and we are super close as is my daughter even after my bout with my own DOC... I beg God to please don't take him from me because the streets don't love him like I do. His best friend was killed last year 9/7/12 and just left in a car with drugs is always drug dealing. What can I do?? I know something's wrong he won't even come around me...the signs are there, it's written I know he has to be ready to get help, but how am I to watch my child go down this BLVD of broken dreams and do nothing??

Dee74

Hi and welcome HopeFiend

'What do I do' is the cry of loved ones, parents, friends and partners the world over I think.

I know that nothing noone else said or did made any difference to me until I was ready for change. I've had the shoe on the other foot too. It;s a devastating experience.

That's not to say there's nothing you can do, but I think the focus is better put on you and how you can handle this rather than trying to change someone else.

Have you had any experience with AlAnon or NarAnon - it might be useful to you?

I know you'll find support and wisdom here too, and please - do also check out our Family and Friends forums as well

D

Hopefiend512

Thanks. And no I haven't..I know of them very well and have told ppl to seek the same. I just can't seem to fathom it because it's my own child...I guess I know how they feel now. Like you I have been in those shoes, boots, wore the hat, t-shirts of an addict and all so i know I wasn't done til I was just DONE! I know the effects it had on my children and family, however my mother or family never understood because i am THE ADDICT in the family so it was always why I just don't stop, I could if I wanted to and so on....It's different for me though because I feel that pain of wanting to change so badly and just not knowing how to begin....I don't feel the guilt per se, however I do have my moments of if i was there maybe he never would have used his first hit, pill, drink; but I was using or in prison so who do I turn to then. I thought AlAnon was for parents who had family who were addicts but who weren't in recovery themselves. I know in all my right mind he's in control and has to make the choice to become clean and make change happen, but in this part of my heart I have a nagging that says the path he took was initially your fault because you weren't parenting you were partying.... and I feel that way because at the same age 15-18 my daughter was able to count on a sober mom, (a parent though single rebuilding life) I was there thru it all and I know the mother I am sober. My son had already sold and used and dropped out and was lost until I returned and both of my children graduated the same year though they are 4 yrs apart. He needed me, he tried to get on track but I let him get lost, he used not to feel, like me and now it's up to him I know. I'm sorry for going on it just hurts so bad. Knowing what I do about our choice to get on that road to recovery...silly me secretly wonders to myself if he became a father unexpectedly I hope he magically changes because he never had a father and he'd want to be a good father to his child. Isn't that crazy thinking...anything just so i don't have to watch my son suffer addiction. Wow call me crazy... I know you are right and that's my reason for joining so I can stay strong and stay me through the pain. Thanks for the support