He left me

Old 08-20-2013, 04:17 PM
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He left me

This post is not going to make sense. I am sitting here just shaking my head and crying. My AH packed some bags and have me his wedding band and left. He just said he was done. He said he wasn't paying the bills or mortgage anymore and that he just didn't care about me at all. I know he has been abusive and a horrible husband for the entire marriage. But it still hurts when someone you have known your entire life looks at you calmly but with intense hate and tells you they don't care what happens to you or your children.
I don't have a job. I don't have any skills to go get a job. I can't pay for the house which is in his name only. I can't pay for anything for my kids.
And to top it off we are in the middle of construction on the house. I don't know what to do. He is at his rehab meeting right now, but I am lost.
I need to know what to do. I can't get a job that will pay all the bills. I know I shouldn't be surprised but I feel like I have had a brick wall fall on me and the rug pulled out from underneath me at the same time.
I think his anger and abuse were better than this. He is saying it is all my fault and that I'm crazy , etc etc etc. I just keep wishing the impossible, that he be rational and normal. I know I am not making any sense right now. But it is in the evening here and I don't know what to do. I did call the dv hotline to inquire about job training. But they wanted my name etc. I don't want my kids to be ashamed. And they will be. I used to be the one volunteering at those places to help people that couldn't help themselves. And now I am one of them. My parents won't acknowledge that anything is wrong. They have refused to help. Even when there was physical violence. I have no one I can talk to. I don't want to let me kids know, but I cannot continue to pay for things. I just wanted to protect them and provide for them. I don't want them to be worries or scared.
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:36 PM
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Oh, dear....I'm so sorry. I can only just begin to imagine what a punch in the stomach this must feel like.

I am sure there are some practical things you will be able to do, and others will be along soon who have more experience. What I hope you know is that not all of these problems need to be solved right now--this minute. Please try to get some rest yourself this evening and begin to tackle all of this in the morning.

There is no shame in asking for help when you need it
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Old 08-20-2013, 04:55 PM
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Richardswife, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. I am sure that you are a bit in shock, right now. You don't have to solve anything tonight. Your head will be a bit more clear in the morninG.

I think you may be projecting your own feelings of "shame" onto your children. All of this "shame" is misplaced and does not serve you well. Your k ids will need you to be strong and confident---and definitely not ashamed! They will take their lead from you.

Get to an alanon meeting just as soon as you can--you will get lots of support-you need it. right now. Also, you are going to need the help of the dv center--they will not misuse your name. I suggest that you contact them again.

He is being like a typical alcoholic. Maybe he has done you a real favor--but, you just can't appreciate it, fully, right now.

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Old 08-20-2013, 04:55 PM
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Hi there,

I don't know how long you have been married, I did read that this is your second marriage. Have you reached out to the DV shelter yet? They can help you with job training and whatever you need.

My ex also threatened divorce many times but I was married for 26 years. They do this for many reasons. It could be that he wants to go back to drinking and for you so just shut up about it, it could be all manipulation and control, or maybe just perhaps he does want to end it. I found out the hard way that if someone wants to end a marriage you can't do anything about that, they will treat you worse and worse, until you need to leave.

It is a kick in the stomach. There are many people on this board (SR) who have gone thru this. You do have support.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Old 08-20-2013, 05:05 PM
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Dear Richardswife, I forgot to tell you to call the dv center and tell them you need to see a lawyer ASAP. He is your husband (legally). You have rights. And, you need to k now the "lay of the land" for your own welfare and peace of m ind.

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Old 08-20-2013, 05:14 PM
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So sorry for your situation.
I am sure there is support out there in your town somewhere if you go looking for it.
Go for all the support you can get, make as many enquiries as you can.
You are going to be okay, you can get through this & your kids will get through it too.
Big hugs.
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Old 08-20-2013, 05:15 PM
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Richardswife how terrible. Please get a lawyer ASAP. Don't hesitate, please. Rootin for ya.

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Old 08-20-2013, 05:32 PM
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RW, that just stinks. I'm so sorry. For now, the best thing you can do is make sure the kids are all set for the night, then get yourself some rest.

As others have said, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. And I know it's an awful feeling but the DV people can truly help you as you find your way through this. They have resources. Don't let those emotions stop you from taking that help. You need it, and that is not shameful. Don't own the shame that is rightfully his.

If he comes back tonight, please consider calling the police. I am thinking of you and everyone here will be rooting for you. Take care, okay?
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Old 08-20-2013, 05:34 PM
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Thank you ALL so very much!!! It is amazing to have a place to talk with people that don't judge, offer advice and insight and understand all about how the other person thinks and operates. I keep telling myself he is sick. But it doesn't make the deep stab of his words any less painful.
I agree, I am projecting the shame onto my kids (who at this moment don't know this has happened).
It is so awful wanting to talk to someone rationally and them just attack you, your character, your sanity and turn it all around on you. The way he was so cold and calculated, I had never seen that from him before. He wasn't angry or sad or anything. Just wanted to walk away and be done and said he could do whatever he wanted.
I am going to take y'all's advice and try and rest tonight and tackle this tomorrow. I feel like curling in a ball right now. Why did I allow someone to have the power to cause me this much pain and devastation. If I get through this, I will never rely on anyone again. And I will never believe any word that any man says to me.
Thank you all again so much!!!
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Old 08-20-2013, 05:50 PM
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Just know that it is not fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. If he shows up again, do not try to rationalize with him. The more you try this, the more it will set him off. I spent years and years trying to explain I didn't say that, or I didn't meant that. He saw it as arguing. Just get away from him, agree with him if you have to, just do not engage.

I do hope that you can get some sleep tonight, you will be able to think a little clearer tomorrow, and remember, we are always here for you.
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Old 08-20-2013, 05:55 PM
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abusive men will always try to intimidate you, it is also a form of bullying...don't let him. He simply cannot walk away from obligations. get some good legal advice and empower yourself.

who the Hell is he to walk off and just leave his obligations and support? you have nothing to be ashamed of, but he sure does.
I hope that you can talk to your family and tell them the truth about his abuse of you, I hope they will take you seriously. get with the DV center and a lawyer and make sure that you tell your family you have done so, in that action they may take you seriously.
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Old 08-20-2013, 06:46 PM
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In addition to the suggestions above, I think you need to talk to a lawyer. Some legal advise about the house that is in his name only. Some advice about money and bill payments. Find one that will talk to you for free the first time you call.
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Old 08-20-2013, 07:07 PM
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Oh I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are not to blame, and you shouldn't be ashamed. But he should most certainly be ashamed of himself! I can only imagine how terrible you must feel right now.

I think the general consensus here about calling the DV Shelter and contacting an attorney is right on. You really need to know what your rights are and what kind of help is available.

Sending lots good wishes your way.
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Old 08-20-2013, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
abusive men will always try to intimidate you, it is also a form of bullying...don't let him. He simply cannot walk away from obligations. get some good legal advice and empower yourself.

who the Hell is he to walk off and just leave his obligations and support? you have nothing to be ashamed of, but he sure does.
I hope that you can talk to your family and tell them the truth about his abuse of you, I hope they will take you seriously. get with the DV center and a lawyer and make sure that you tell your family you have done so, in that action they may take you seriously.
Seriously, what he did tonight was so manipulative. *******. Oooh...leaving my wedding ring here for you to stare at all night. Jesus. What a tool. My husband did the same thing...just placed it there and gave me a dirty look.... Like I was the baddie...he was cheating and I confronted him. It's what active alcoholics do...my fault, my shame he met some skank at a bar. LOL...that's the thinking. You cannot make sense of it. Best to take it as it is....an annoying drunk person you once loved.

I am pissed right now for you. He knew exactly how you would react. He's had practice. He is messing with your head and nothing he stated is actually how it's going to be. Just remember that, he is trying to scare you into submission. You are NOT CRAZY in the sense of the word, but you are probably "crazy" in that you have been dealing with this manipulative tool for years. Gaslighting is what he did to you tonight. I've been there. Do not give him the satisfaction. He's panicking, you've seen a light in the distance and are reaching for it. He wants you in the dark.
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:06 PM
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God DAMN!! That guy is one monster ASSWIPE! Holy ****---what a twisted thing to do to anyone, let alone the person who should under NO circumstances be treated like that!

Wow. I'm stunned and enraged on your behalf!!

Anyway, I agree with all the advice above. In times of crisis, you only need to do the next right thing. So right now, the next right thing is know it will hold till tomorrow.

Then next right thing would be call the lawyer.

After that you'll be able to see the next right step. And so forth.....


That's how it worked for me anyway, getting myself through this.....

(((((((hugs)))))))))

Last edited by DesertEyes; 08-20-2013 at 08:11 PM. Reason: foul language
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:12 PM
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Hes just an abusive person and abusive people are cruel and selfish.
I would get intouch with a lawyer...spousal support?
Good luck
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:15 PM
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Everyone gave you such great advice. I just want to add that I'm sorry you are going through this. You are going to get through it though, and after you do, your life is going to be so much better without a drunk, abusive, a$$ in it. Today is the first day of the rest of your beautiful life.

We are here for you!!!!!

HUGS
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:53 PM
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I am a recruiter with over 20 years of experience, if you PM me your resume, I will make it the best, honest resume ever, and it will get you a job. I will also counsel you on job searches and interviewing and depending on your state, will give you contacts. I recruit through out the US.

I do this for a living, you will be fine, I promise you.

Do not let this ass determine how your life will be. You determine it. PM me.
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Old 08-20-2013, 08:55 PM
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Just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that he's treating you this way and trying to put this on you like it's your fault. It's not your fault.

What I would suggest to you is to find Domestic Relations telephone number or office in your area and get your ass down there ASAP and put a child support order on him faster than he could ever give his ring back to you BECAUSE!!!!! Those kids are going to need it! I don't know how your state runs but PA will also let someone start a spousal support case with the child support. If your state is the same way, TACK HIS ASS DOWN! He is/was the soul provider and he's going to have to continue that for some time.

If he wants to be a jerk n ruin his credit and walk away from his financial obligations on the mortgage and every other bill, let him walk BUT he can never walk out on his financial obligation to his children because once you file a support order, if he doesn't work, I am sure your state has a comfy 6x9 cell for a DEAD BEAT MOM/DAD! PA gives the parent ordered to pay support 3 months before they come pick your ass up n haul it off to jail. They also take your license, hunting n fishing license and any extra curricular activities that require a license. You don't PAY... you don't PLAY!

And one more thing before I go and this is to anyone reading this... Don't ever let anyone tell you, I will provide for you. I have learned this years ago. ALWAYS, ALWAYS have a job, keep your skills up in a trade, have SOMETHING to fall back on. No one can take those skills off of you if they decide to up and leave or God forbid, pass away.

If you can, and you're willing, I would look into elder care. Personal care homes are a start. Everyone ages and nurses and attendants are in high demand like ALWAYS. If you can take care of a baby, toddler or child, you can take care of an elderly person. It's not entirely the same but it's the same when it comes to some things. I've seen people walk in off the streets looking for jobs and they have gone on to CNA's, LPN's and RN's. Get on the ladder and start climbing. If you don't want to do that, look into another profession. The thing is, start somewhere and TAKE OFF and don't let anyone ever tell you, you don't have to work!
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Old 08-20-2013, 11:55 PM
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I feel for you and am sorry your AH is acting this way. However, you definitely have nothing to be ashamed of....and if others tell you anything different than that that says more about them than you. And you can get a job - a friend of mine is in her mid 40s and went back to school and became a nurse - anything is possible if you want it bad enough. And your AH can pay for your schooling - as well as the support he owes you and your children - the lawyer others suggested can help you with that for sure. I know it's a bit cliche but I've found it to be so true that when a door closes sometimes the roof blows off and possibilities come flooding in....I know it's hard now but I bet one day you'll look back at this and thank him for the favor, he is opening up a life full of new possibilities for you. And again nothing wrong with getting the help you need to get started.
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