tate9685

O.k., 34 days sober and still going strong. My b/f stayed out last night (drinking with a friend) and stayed at the guys house. I was fine with that because he respects me enough not to drink around me and I prefer for him to go out and not come home if he drinks too much. But....he is supposed to text or call me to let me know he will be staying out all night. We have had issues in the past where he didn't let me know, I worried, etc. and I am not sure if it is a control thing with him...like he doesn't want to feel like he has to report to "Mom" what he is doing? Again, I don't care if he stays out, but should I tell him to move out based on the principle that he should have text me to let me know he was going to?

visch1

KISS might indicate going to some Al Anon meetings for your mental well being? BE WELL

DG0409

For me, I think that yes, that would be a deal-breaker. You've talked to him about it before and he hasn't changed. It's pretty hard to be worrying if your partner is ok because they couldn't have the decency to let you know what was up.

I know that you didn't ask about this part, but it also seems like having a partner who is out drinking all night might not be the best thing for you in early sobriety or in later sobriety. You will likely grow tired of having him being out doing that sort of thing.

It also sounds like alcohol could be playing a role in why he didn't text. He may simply have been too drunk to remember. Drinkers can be pretty unreliable and don't seem to make the best partners.

I don't know all the details of your relationship, but from what you've said here, it seems like the two of you probably aren't really compatible.

Threshold

If a relationship isn't working out, and I don't see eye to eye on important issues (important to me) I am free to end it. I don't need to have an outside party justify it or set my needs and boundaries for me.

No one has to be right or wrong, good guy or bad guy, sometimes we are incompatible and it's OK to move on.

Louise82

If it's a deal-breaker, then yes. But only you can decide for yourself whether it's a deal-breaker for you personally or not. Take care. Well done on 34 days!

Anna

I hope you check out AlAnon as support for yourself.

If the staying out issue is important to you, then you should act on it.

Amajorityofone

I cannot speak for you, but I told my significant other that the only way this is going to work is if she comes up to my level. For I absolutely refuse to associate myself with people that drink. I certainly wouldn't date, let alone purposely choose to be around someone that smoked or did drugs of any kind. The downside is that this narrows the field considerably, which is a good thing in my opinion.

“The outer conditions of a person's life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state...Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”

James Allen, As a Man Thinketh

Hope this helps

Nuudawn

Hmmm..this is a bit of a hornet's nest. When you discussed his not contacting you before..did you tell him you would kick him out if he did it again? In creating boundaries, we need to communicate them as well as the consequences of not respecting them. Now I am not currently in AA nor have any Big Book to refer to but I thought it was my understanding that the directive or suggestion is not "no new relationships" ...but RATHER no BIG CHANGES in early sobriety...which to me would encompass ending relationships hastily as well. Often sobriety is about learning how to live...about learning how to create healthy boundaries etc. People do sober up around others who are drinking...but often, in time...they realize they have outgrown them.

longbeachone

This is the kind of thing my 20 year old (and not very responsible) son would do. Hugely immature and unfair to you. You need to know where he plans to be all night because you care about him. You worry when you don't know...is he hurt, or in trouble. You are not Mommy, out to punish...You are a grown up who wants a grown up relationship. For heaven's sake, like you really need to worry and fret about his welfare all night when you are dealing with trying to be sober! So wrong on so many levels.

I'd tell him that if he can't understand this, he should live somewhere else. Period.

ReadyAtLast

I have mixed feelings on this. If my husband stayed out all night,unintentionally without calling I'd be furious. It seems a really young thing to do.Is he much younger than you? Is it quite a new relationship?

I saw your post earlier this week and wonder if it's anything to do with your daughter-maybe he's feeling pushed out if it's your house etc.How are things going with her?

You seem to have an awful lot to deal with so early on in sobriety.Maybe it's time toput yourself first

Ptcapote

Hi Tate, congrats on 34 days sober and staying strong even though I know you have a lot going on with your daughter and significant other. On this question, forgive me for being a little forward but is this the same guy you posted about who disappeared on you a couple of months ago in New York or something? I remember how (rightfully) upset and stressed out you were about that and that you were worried it would trigger a relapse for you. If this is the same guy, Tate, then I would say this is not a "one-off" but emblematic of a much larger issue which seems to have addiction at its core. I know you've said he is a sweet guy and you care for him very much but an addict is an addict, as you probably well know. And if he feels no compunction about disappearing to NYC for several days with no contact, then asking him to check-in with you over spending a night out is kind of trivial. I realize he was likely on a bender or whatever when he went to NYC but, as others have said, he obviously also has a drinking and/or other addiction issue and that's a hell of a stressor on you trying to stay sober.

I would check out Alanon as well and maybe reassess this relationship with him in terms of asking whether or not you want to continue to be with an ADDICT. Not whether or not you want to continue to be with someone who forgets to check-in occasionally. You know?

In either case, take care of YOU first.

Good wishes to you!

Lightning Bug

Congrats on the 34 days!

Eleni58

I think you should care if he stays out all night. That is not conducive to a healthy relationship whether you drink or not. Also, how do you know he is not "straying" or doing inappropriate things while under the influence and not coming home?

I say kick him to the curb. You can do better! Why be miserable and worried all the time?

tate9685

Thank you so much everyone! Wow, this forum is such a great tool for sobriety. I get such great perspectives and it truly helps me consider things and see options that would not otherwise occur to me. I hear you all saying Al Anon. I will check into that. Right now I go to group therapy for addiction 2 x a week and AA meetings periodically. I tell you though, this site has been the most helpful to me on a daily basis. I do things hastily out of anger and frustration and don't trust my own thoughts or decisions in new sobriety because my brain has been so foggy for so long. I like what Nuudawn said about clearly stating what my boundaries are and the consequences so there is no question about it. Eleni58 brought up straying and what else he could be doing while intoxicated and that is so true. I thought of that but it helps to hear it from someone else. Also, yes he is the man who disappeared on me a couple of weeks ago in New York. Bottom line he is an addict (alcohol and MJ) and even though I told him I would give him another chance, I think it would be best for me and my daughter if he stayed somewhere else. I still want him to be a part of my life, but not living with me. Its' just so hard to get those words out of my mouth because I do love him and don't want to end the relationship yet.

DisplacedGRITS

It's a decision only you can make. If it's a deal breaker for you, then do it. If it's a big deal but you feel that by talking to him and making him aware that it's important to you, he'll make an effort to comply in the future, give that a shot. It doesn't sound like his transgression has anything to do with your sobriety. It sounds like he was just thoughtless. My husband does thoughtless things but when i tell him that it's a big deal to me, he understands and makes an effort. If your guy doesn't feel that it's worth making an effort, then that may be a character flaw you can't live with. Again, it's up to you to decide how important it is to you, if you feel he'll make an effort and if it's worth leaving him over.