terryr97

I am so sick and tired of being miserable over my exabf! Its been 7 months since I kicked him out for deleting texts (shady) and, where my holding him accountable was supposed to make him work harder at recovery, he just threw it all out the window and has been on a horrible run since. When I've seen him, he looks like the walking dead. I've been on valium since last year cos our once wonderful relationship made me paranoid and nuts. I've been suicidal and constantly depressed. I still go to my AA meetings and started Alanon about 3 months ago, but I just cant seem to let go of him! Thankfully, school starts back up on Thursday and I've started working the steps with my old sponsor (who I had dumped because I didnt want to hear the truth from her about how toxic the relationship was for me). I know I'm just glorifying the relationship cos, aside from the first 7 months, for the most part, the next 4 1/2 yrs was a hell of lies and breakups mixed with him always putting me last in his life, after his dad and friends.

I know I will get better but sometimes I have survivors guilt (my sister died from drugs 1 1/2 yrs ago) cos I feel responsible for saving him (I know my love cant save him) and seeing me just makes him feel guilty. And I know that, out of 5 years, maybe 4 months total he didnt lie to me about something. Doesnt matter. I hate how, for drugs, he threw away a great relationship and I fear he wont live long enough to experience that again. Realistically, I should be thankful I made it out alive. But, with too much time on my hands to think ( summer vacation), I've been depressed all summer.

I dont think I'll ever trust anyone with my heart again. Too much chance of things going wrong. And I'm too old (50's) to be brokenhearted like a kid again.

Thanks for letting me rant.

terryr97

Oh, and he told me that I have to get over it and realize that we've been broken up for 7 months. I told him that he has to stop telling me that he wants sobriety and our life back and that he loves me then. That he keeps sending mixed messages. And we went away for the weekend in July (he paid, which I deserved after I've paid for) but, in the end, he told me that he wasn't done with the drugs yet. I appreciate the honesty, I don't appreciate the fear that he might not make it back before he kills himself. And I hate him for what he's doing to the body that I love. Grrrrr so many resentments!