Dry Drunk Sister/Roommate
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bellingham, WA
Posts: 2
Dry Drunk Sister/Roommate
I moved in with my sister about six months ago. My own life had gotten messy: laid off from my career and my long term relationship imploded. I was living in a a major city and having no luck in the job market and starting to panic as months went by with no progress and unemployment starting to run out. My sister invited me to move in with her while I job searched in her city. The economy is further along here and it was a less expensive cost of living though still expensive. I agreed that I would move in but only until I found a job and could afford a place of my own. We worked out a deal where I would contribute a certain amount of money per month to her mortgage and utilities.
My sister has had 10 years of sobriety. I have had no direct experience of her has an using alcoholic. There is a large age gap between us so by the time she was out of the house and began down the path towards her drinking problem, she was already in college and I was in 5th grade. My parents did their best to shield me from her behavior and she was not allowed to visit nor have contact with me or them until she got sober. When she got to her amends step, my parents slowly allowed her back around the family and it took several years until they felt like they could trust her enough for her to come home for the holidays. By that time, I was no longer a little kid and we never really got close.
I don't have an overly close relationship with her now, as the result of all this. One of the reasons she stated she wanted me to come live out here and temporarily with her was so we could build a relationship as adults. Since my memories of her as an alcoholic are few, I didn't have the same amount of baggage that other members of my family carry about her. Mostly, she was just absent for most of my life. Needless to say, I feel like I've made a huge mistake.
Immediately after I moved in, I began to notice that there were problems. Things that because my sister only visits once or twice year in hometown of Chicago, you wouldn't or can't see because she was on vacation and not in her regular environment. She isn't drinking that I can tell but her problems are still legion and many of them resemble those of a dry drunk.
She has huge boundary issues, for one. I was okay with having a no-alcohol household. I'm not much of a drinker myself. I just don't like the taste of beer and never developed a taste for hard liquor or wine. The problem though is I have ongoing back problems from a car accident that I was in when I was 14. I sometimes have to take medications that have narcotic side effects. I don't leave them out nor in places where they can be easily found. Needless to say, I came home one day to be told that she had decided to go through my belongings to ferret out if I had any triggering things in my belongings that were a threat to her sobriety. She admitted she had invaded my privacy but she made excuses about protecting her sobriety. It really put a dent in our trust but it hasn't gotten better from there.
A few times now, utilities have been turned off for non-payment or we've gotten shut off letters to the house. When these things have happened, I have tried to talk to her about her finances in broad terms to see if she is having trouble managing her own money but she is aggressively defensive about the utility shutoffs and notices. It's not even a subject I can bring up in the most roundabout terms as she gets angry and raises her voice. I have given my sister enough money in the last few months that she could have easily paid these bills but she just avoids paying them until the last minute or doesn't until things are shut off. I feel very taken advantage of financially by her and its another huge blow to my trust in her.
Other than that, her general behavior is so erratic.
She is constantly on the phone. Constantly. She is on the phone with sponsor, her friends with AA, and her non AA friends from the moment she gets home from work until the moment she goes to bed. This is sometimes 3-5 hours a night. It seems to me that in some ways her phone and her neediness for social interaction has replaced the drinking. I'm not sure why her friends and her sponsor aren't setting better boundaries about how much attention and interaction she needs with them. My sister, I am told, has always been an extrovert and very social (I am very introverted and prefer my space and don't need to be in constant contact with people all day long) but this seems excessive.
Her highs are high but her lows are low and they often happen within short intervals of each other, often in the same day. She is either cackling loudly with laughter at the TV at midnight when I'm trying to sleep or sobbing with such despondency on the phone to her friends that it sounds like something truly terrible has happened. In the beginning, I tried to be available to her but it happens so often that I just feel leeched emotionally by this and now, I just stay away when she's doing either one of these things. I leave the house or hide in my room. I avoid her for days and then have to pass it off as being busy or tired because I just don't want to be around her as I can never predict what she's going to be like.
I have told my parents back home what is happening. They are fully aware and have even offered to come out there to confront my sister about her dishonesty with my money and help me move out abruptly or buy me a plane ticket home. I have asked them not to do anything, yet. My sister thinks they are unaware of what is going on. They have been gracious enough to allow me time to work this out on my own without confronting her. My dad, especially, though is very upset with her and has made it clear that his patience is running out and that he will confront her soon. I am okay with a confrontation. It needs to happen but I don't want to be living with her when it does happen.
Luckily, I found a job about 2 months after I moved out here and just signed a lease on a place. I was able to save up for that and I have enough money to purchase furniture and I have made friends. I don't want to go back home and other than my sister; I feel like I could have a really good life out here. I have not yet told my sister that I am moving out next month. I am generally so worn out by her unpredictable behaviors and lack of boundaries that I am uncertain how that conversation will go and I am afraid she will throw me out before its time to leave or hurt herself. She recently stated how she relies on my extra money to make her mortgage and I think she's in serious financial jeopardy with being able to pay her mortgage. This makes me wonder if her invitation to have me come out here was not selfless but a manipulative way to stay afloat.
I feel utterly used by her. I know she is not drinking. Well, I don't know that for certain by with her work hours and other day-to-day routines, it would be difficult but not impossible for her to be drinking. My parents said that when she was at the height of her addiction, she was not a functional alcoholic. She lost her job, her marriage, and most of her possessions because she stopped going to work and stopped doing anything but drinking. I don't know if that pattern would resume but that seems to be not the case.
I don't know how to tell her I'm moving out in a way that won't trigger her into really crazy behavior. From everything I've read about alcoholism and sober alcoholics, all of her behavior seems to fall under fairly textbook 'dry drunk' behaviors. I need help figuring out how to talk to her because I'm really scared she's going to do something harmful to herself or really petty to me. I am also really concerned that her AA sponsor and her AA friends are bad for her. They don't seem to do much in the way of making her account for her behaviors but I also suspect that she's been doing a great deal of lying to them about what exactly is going on.
Help!
My sister has had 10 years of sobriety. I have had no direct experience of her has an using alcoholic. There is a large age gap between us so by the time she was out of the house and began down the path towards her drinking problem, she was already in college and I was in 5th grade. My parents did their best to shield me from her behavior and she was not allowed to visit nor have contact with me or them until she got sober. When she got to her amends step, my parents slowly allowed her back around the family and it took several years until they felt like they could trust her enough for her to come home for the holidays. By that time, I was no longer a little kid and we never really got close.
I don't have an overly close relationship with her now, as the result of all this. One of the reasons she stated she wanted me to come live out here and temporarily with her was so we could build a relationship as adults. Since my memories of her as an alcoholic are few, I didn't have the same amount of baggage that other members of my family carry about her. Mostly, she was just absent for most of my life. Needless to say, I feel like I've made a huge mistake.
Immediately after I moved in, I began to notice that there were problems. Things that because my sister only visits once or twice year in hometown of Chicago, you wouldn't or can't see because she was on vacation and not in her regular environment. She isn't drinking that I can tell but her problems are still legion and many of them resemble those of a dry drunk.
She has huge boundary issues, for one. I was okay with having a no-alcohol household. I'm not much of a drinker myself. I just don't like the taste of beer and never developed a taste for hard liquor or wine. The problem though is I have ongoing back problems from a car accident that I was in when I was 14. I sometimes have to take medications that have narcotic side effects. I don't leave them out nor in places where they can be easily found. Needless to say, I came home one day to be told that she had decided to go through my belongings to ferret out if I had any triggering things in my belongings that were a threat to her sobriety. She admitted she had invaded my privacy but she made excuses about protecting her sobriety. It really put a dent in our trust but it hasn't gotten better from there.
A few times now, utilities have been turned off for non-payment or we've gotten shut off letters to the house. When these things have happened, I have tried to talk to her about her finances in broad terms to see if she is having trouble managing her own money but she is aggressively defensive about the utility shutoffs and notices. It's not even a subject I can bring up in the most roundabout terms as she gets angry and raises her voice. I have given my sister enough money in the last few months that she could have easily paid these bills but she just avoids paying them until the last minute or doesn't until things are shut off. I feel very taken advantage of financially by her and its another huge blow to my trust in her.
Other than that, her general behavior is so erratic.
She is constantly on the phone. Constantly. She is on the phone with sponsor, her friends with AA, and her non AA friends from the moment she gets home from work until the moment she goes to bed. This is sometimes 3-5 hours a night. It seems to me that in some ways her phone and her neediness for social interaction has replaced the drinking. I'm not sure why her friends and her sponsor aren't setting better boundaries about how much attention and interaction she needs with them. My sister, I am told, has always been an extrovert and very social (I am very introverted and prefer my space and don't need to be in constant contact with people all day long) but this seems excessive.
Her highs are high but her lows are low and they often happen within short intervals of each other, often in the same day. She is either cackling loudly with laughter at the TV at midnight when I'm trying to sleep or sobbing with such despondency on the phone to her friends that it sounds like something truly terrible has happened. In the beginning, I tried to be available to her but it happens so often that I just feel leeched emotionally by this and now, I just stay away when she's doing either one of these things. I leave the house or hide in my room. I avoid her for days and then have to pass it off as being busy or tired because I just don't want to be around her as I can never predict what she's going to be like.
I have told my parents back home what is happening. They are fully aware and have even offered to come out there to confront my sister about her dishonesty with my money and help me move out abruptly or buy me a plane ticket home. I have asked them not to do anything, yet. My sister thinks they are unaware of what is going on. They have been gracious enough to allow me time to work this out on my own without confronting her. My dad, especially, though is very upset with her and has made it clear that his patience is running out and that he will confront her soon. I am okay with a confrontation. It needs to happen but I don't want to be living with her when it does happen.
Luckily, I found a job about 2 months after I moved out here and just signed a lease on a place. I was able to save up for that and I have enough money to purchase furniture and I have made friends. I don't want to go back home and other than my sister; I feel like I could have a really good life out here. I have not yet told my sister that I am moving out next month. I am generally so worn out by her unpredictable behaviors and lack of boundaries that I am uncertain how that conversation will go and I am afraid she will throw me out before its time to leave or hurt herself. She recently stated how she relies on my extra money to make her mortgage and I think she's in serious financial jeopardy with being able to pay her mortgage. This makes me wonder if her invitation to have me come out here was not selfless but a manipulative way to stay afloat.
I feel utterly used by her. I know she is not drinking. Well, I don't know that for certain by with her work hours and other day-to-day routines, it would be difficult but not impossible for her to be drinking. My parents said that when she was at the height of her addiction, she was not a functional alcoholic. She lost her job, her marriage, and most of her possessions because she stopped going to work and stopped doing anything but drinking. I don't know if that pattern would resume but that seems to be not the case.
I don't know how to tell her I'm moving out in a way that won't trigger her into really crazy behavior. From everything I've read about alcoholism and sober alcoholics, all of her behavior seems to fall under fairly textbook 'dry drunk' behaviors. I need help figuring out how to talk to her because I'm really scared she's going to do something harmful to herself or really petty to me. I am also really concerned that her AA sponsor and her AA friends are bad for her. They don't seem to do much in the way of making her account for her behaviors but I also suspect that she's been doing a great deal of lying to them about what exactly is going on.
Help!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Does she go to therapy at all? It sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues and her behavior points toward bipolar disorder, imo. Please note, I am NOT a doctor or therapist but suffer from it myself. I think the best way to tell her is to do so when your new apartment is ready. You don't owe her anything, especially if she's been taking your money and not paying the bills. Going through your things was way out of line too. She was "looking for something that might trigger her?" It seems to me that she's looking for something to trigger her.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I do think it's best to handle it on your own and not get your parents involved unless you absolutely have to.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I do think it's best to handle it on your own and not get your parents involved unless you absolutely have to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Bellingham, WA
Posts: 2
She doesn't go, unfortunately. When her husband was divorcing her over her drinking, he unfortunately selected a marriage therapist that didn't do the best job of mediating their separation and made a lot of their issues a lot worse. Since then, she has a very harsh view of mental health professionals. She feels that her support network and sponsor is enough, even if its clearly not.
I know my mother especially has tried over the years to get her to see a therapist about a lot of the guilt she still carries from things she did to her ex-husband when she was drinking but she just won't go.
I do wonder too though as you have suggested that on some level she might know that her behaviors are ... maybe chemically influenced and she doesn't want to have that confirmed. I think going to a therapist would make having to confront that issue and I think she, like a lot of people, carry stigmas about mental health, medication, and therapy.
My dad carries a lot of anger towards her, which they've never really had a chance to unpack. Over the course of her drinking, she ran up significant debts and my parents bailed her out. If they hadn't, she would have had to move in with them after she got out of rehab and my parents didn't trust her enough to allow her to live there so they felt they had no alternative as they didn't want to see her end up homeless. In hindsight, I think they understand the mistake they made.
Beyond that, my sister's drinking ruined my dad's relationship with his best friend. She stole money and valuables from them and sexually propositioned his best friend. The best friend and his wife luckily didn't call the police but they ended their friendship with my parents. This deeply hurt my dad and he's never really gotten over it. My sister for her part says she's apologized but I don't think she really understands the level to which she hurt my dad by her choices when she was drinking.
As such, its kind of difficult to keep him out of the situation because he feels obligated to protect me from her even though I'm adult. He and I have had several talks about it and he knows he has to back off but he's struggling with it.
I know my mother especially has tried over the years to get her to see a therapist about a lot of the guilt she still carries from things she did to her ex-husband when she was drinking but she just won't go.
I do wonder too though as you have suggested that on some level she might know that her behaviors are ... maybe chemically influenced and she doesn't want to have that confirmed. I think going to a therapist would make having to confront that issue and I think she, like a lot of people, carry stigmas about mental health, medication, and therapy.
My dad carries a lot of anger towards her, which they've never really had a chance to unpack. Over the course of her drinking, she ran up significant debts and my parents bailed her out. If they hadn't, she would have had to move in with them after she got out of rehab and my parents didn't trust her enough to allow her to live there so they felt they had no alternative as they didn't want to see her end up homeless. In hindsight, I think they understand the mistake they made.
Beyond that, my sister's drinking ruined my dad's relationship with his best friend. She stole money and valuables from them and sexually propositioned his best friend. The best friend and his wife luckily didn't call the police but they ended their friendship with my parents. This deeply hurt my dad and he's never really gotten over it. My sister for her part says she's apologized but I don't think she really understands the level to which she hurt my dad by her choices when she was drinking.
As such, its kind of difficult to keep him out of the situation because he feels obligated to protect me from her even though I'm adult. He and I have had several talks about it and he knows he has to back off but he's struggling with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your sister somehow managed to take care of herself prior to you moving in, and she'll figure it out once you move. So don't get caught up in the enabling behavior of worrying about her ability to pay bills, who her friends are, etc. She is an adult, you are not responsibile for her.
Living together has given you the opportunity to really get to know your sister. Now you know it's healthier to keep boundaries and protect your own health. I think it's up to you to decide when to tell her you're moving. But your decision is a positive one, you should be getting on with your life at this point! So don't get guilted into staying in a very unhealthy situation.
Living together has given you the opportunity to really get to know your sister. Now you know it's healthier to keep boundaries and protect your own health. I think it's up to you to decide when to tell her you're moving. But your decision is a positive one, you should be getting on with your life at this point! So don't get guilted into staying in a very unhealthy situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Just tell her in an upfront assertive way that you are moving. Don't worry about what after effects your telling her you're moving will have. It's not your concern how she takes the information and what she does with it. You don't control what she does or why she's in her current situation, it's all on her.
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself which is key!
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself which is key!
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