Progress
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
Progress
Today is one of the good days. I went to a meeting after not getting to one at all last week and it was one of those alanon meetings where things just click and people seem to talk directly to you and I left feeling very calm and with a glimpse of the serenity I crave.
Had a good evening with my daughters. Very tired after work but took it easy for the evening. Was settling down for the night and reading on here when RA came in the room and joked about me reading all that stuff again. I said I'm working on my recovery and mentioned I was proud of my progress today. He goaded me a little 'still waiting for me to make amends, well I've made my amends to you' I didn't respond. He tried again. I said I appreciate all the efforts you are making (he's 6 months sober working AA and doing well enough). He said you want more though. I said I'm working on acceptance and I accept there will be no further amends even if i believe he is not aware how much hurt was caused by his drinking. He said in fairness I wasn't drunk around you that much. I said true (he was a loner drinker most done in secret and we weren't together that long when he first tried recovery this is attempt no. 3). He started watching a movie I went back on here, I could feel anger build. I calmly said one more thing. Are you aware that you do that? Minimise my feelings. I stated ur drinking harmed me you said you didn't drink around me much but it still hurt and I don't appreciate you minimising it with comments like that and you do that a lot. He said I understand I'm sorry and I know I do that and it's wrong.
In our house that is progress and my building anger gone and another glimpse of serenity.
Minor but wanted to share a positive and not always moan on here.
Had a good evening with my daughters. Very tired after work but took it easy for the evening. Was settling down for the night and reading on here when RA came in the room and joked about me reading all that stuff again. I said I'm working on my recovery and mentioned I was proud of my progress today. He goaded me a little 'still waiting for me to make amends, well I've made my amends to you' I didn't respond. He tried again. I said I appreciate all the efforts you are making (he's 6 months sober working AA and doing well enough). He said you want more though. I said I'm working on acceptance and I accept there will be no further amends even if i believe he is not aware how much hurt was caused by his drinking. He said in fairness I wasn't drunk around you that much. I said true (he was a loner drinker most done in secret and we weren't together that long when he first tried recovery this is attempt no. 3). He started watching a movie I went back on here, I could feel anger build. I calmly said one more thing. Are you aware that you do that? Minimise my feelings. I stated ur drinking harmed me you said you didn't drink around me much but it still hurt and I don't appreciate you minimising it with comments like that and you do that a lot. He said I understand I'm sorry and I know I do that and it's wrong.
In our house that is progress and my building anger gone and another glimpse of serenity.
Minor but wanted to share a positive and not always moan on here.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dublin, congratulations on your progress of detachment. I know how hard that is when they are in front of you---and baiting you!!
I remember--when my As were living in my house---their reactions when I started to detach and resist being drawn into the senseless fights. They actually seemed confused at first at my "new behavior"---and seemed threatened by it. There were the comments about the "crazy Ladies" (alanon). Some of their comments were actually laughable--I had a hard time keeping a straight face!!!
I'll tell you a funny story---once, when there was some ridiculous request from one of them---I replied that I was sorry that I couldn't comply; that I was no longer going to enable them-----he said: "Oh, please don't put that kind of pressure o n yourself--you have NEVER been an enabler!" (I had to leave the room to keep from cracking up).
When I stopped reacting to them, though--it bought me some much needed peace from the horrible arguments. For a while.....I, ultimately kicked them out of my house.
dandylion
I should add that they were my 2 adult sons who had returned back to my house due to a reversal of fortune. I absolutely couldn't tolerate any drinking while they were here.
I remember--when my As were living in my house---their reactions when I started to detach and resist being drawn into the senseless fights. They actually seemed confused at first at my "new behavior"---and seemed threatened by it. There were the comments about the "crazy Ladies" (alanon). Some of their comments were actually laughable--I had a hard time keeping a straight face!!!
I'll tell you a funny story---once, when there was some ridiculous request from one of them---I replied that I was sorry that I couldn't comply; that I was no longer going to enable them-----he said: "Oh, please don't put that kind of pressure o n yourself--you have NEVER been an enabler!" (I had to leave the room to keep from cracking up).
When I stopped reacting to them, though--it bought me some much needed peace from the horrible arguments. For a while.....I, ultimately kicked them out of my house.
dandylion
I should add that they were my 2 adult sons who had returned back to my house due to a reversal of fortune. I absolutely couldn't tolerate any drinking while they were here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If he says again that he didn't hurt you because he didn't drink around you, you might remind him that all the time he devoted to secret drinking could have been spent with you.
Bet that thought never occurred to him.
Bet that thought never occurred to him.
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