Need Help
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Need Help
My son is my A, he works off shore and makes good money, when he is out at work he generally sends me his check and I pay his bills and child support. Last week he was at home, he got two checks in and spent both of them drinking with his buddies. Now he calls me and tells me he is broke and hasn't pay any of his bills. No child support, I am so angry that I really don't know what to say or do! I know this will hurt his child and it is not any of her doing. I am just so angry that I can't sleep at all. What do you do when you see this person's life going down the tube and there is nothing that you can do.
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
Becky,
Well, if it was me i would pay the child
support. I refuse to let my grandkids
do without just because their Mother and
Father can't get it together. There really is nothing you can do about your
son. I really lost my focus this week,
because of my son's drugging and drinking, and he's looking at 5-some
years in state prison, and he's been
there before. It is so sad, so much to
lose, but I guess he's just not ready.
And I just have to accept that, I sure
can't change it, I can't think of one
thing I haven't tried. I just pray for
a miracle, that's all any of us can do.
Hugs,
Josie
------------------
Josie
Well, if it was me i would pay the child
support. I refuse to let my grandkids
do without just because their Mother and
Father can't get it together. There really is nothing you can do about your
son. I really lost my focus this week,
because of my son's drugging and drinking, and he's looking at 5-some
years in state prison, and he's been
there before. It is so sad, so much to
lose, but I guess he's just not ready.
And I just have to accept that, I sure
can't change it, I can't think of one
thing I haven't tried. I just pray for
a miracle, that's all any of us can do.
Hugs,
Josie
------------------
Josie
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Hi Becky
It really is hard to stand by and watch someone you love throw it all away. I know I wouldn't pay his bills but of course I wouldn't let the children go without. Maybe you could contact their mother and explain the situation if she is the understanding sort and let him make a double payment next time. You could purchase a few things if they need anything. It's all your decision but things will work out for you and your grandchildren and hopefully your son will come to a realization soon that some things are more important than drinking. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Take care.
Hugs
Debbie
It really is hard to stand by and watch someone you love throw it all away. I know I wouldn't pay his bills but of course I wouldn't let the children go without. Maybe you could contact their mother and explain the situation if she is the understanding sort and let him make a double payment next time. You could purchase a few things if they need anything. It's all your decision but things will work out for you and your grandchildren and hopefully your son will come to a realization soon that some things are more important than drinking. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Take care.
Hugs
Debbie
Paused
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Dayton, OH,USA
Posts: 40
>>>what do you do when you see this person's life going down the tubes and there is nothing you can do?
Stand back and watch, I guess. I would not help him out with his financial responsibilities, because then he will sit back and do nothing. I have 2 grown children and 3 grown stepchildren, and they know not to ask my husband and me for money. The answer would be no, you work, where's your money? You can buy your grandchild clothing and groceries, which we do, but no way am I paying their bills or handed them cash. They are adults just like I am, and if they want to do adult things(drinking, making babies, etc...) then that's their problems to solve. "Had to have it" like my husband always says.
Good luck, stay strong, and stand back. You are helping him, not hurting him, although I don't think he will see it that way.
Stand back and watch, I guess. I would not help him out with his financial responsibilities, because then he will sit back and do nothing. I have 2 grown children and 3 grown stepchildren, and they know not to ask my husband and me for money. The answer would be no, you work, where's your money? You can buy your grandchild clothing and groceries, which we do, but no way am I paying their bills or handed them cash. They are adults just like I am, and if they want to do adult things(drinking, making babies, etc...) then that's their problems to solve. "Had to have it" like my husband always says.
Good luck, stay strong, and stand back. You are helping him, not hurting him, although I don't think he will see it that way.
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
Just had to say a BIG thanks to MY mother for standing by me and helping out with my three children. I am currently working two jobs and possibly looking at a third just to keep a roof over their heads while my exa still has no job.(would cut into his drinking and pot smoking time) When it all starts to get to me my Mom has always been there emotionally as well as financially. If not for her (and the people here on this line) I feel I would have gone off the deep end many times over the last few years. I may be grown and my children have not had the life I would have wished for them, butI hope someday to pay it forward and help them out with my grandchildren. We did not cause it, can't cure it but have to live with it. I was lucky cause I could divorce the man, but he will always be their father. It DOES take a community to raise children nowadays ESPECIALLY if one of their parents is an addict. My next door neighbor is currently raising his greatgrandson for the very same reason. Sorry to go off on this but I know deep down I don't have to apologize for venting on this as they're my feelings and they are legit cause they are mine. You don't HAVE to agree with me.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Cheryl,
I do agree with you. When someone is doing the best they can do and need help I see nothing wrong with that. My daughter and I help each other out all the time when we get in an unforseen crunch. The money goes back and forth.
If the kids need shoes I don't hesitate to run them by the shoe store on the way home to drop them off. I remember a funny story. I was at the shoe store where there was a sale, 2 for the price of one. I had this huge argument with my grandson. I wanted to buy him 2 pairs of shoes and he kept saying he only needed one pair. He refused to let me buy 2 so I bought myself a pair.
I also agree that buying my grandchildren what they need instead of making a child support payment would be best. My son is in court right now for child support. I would not bail him out on that. I have no doubt that he will probably end up in jail eventually for non payment.
There's just a time to help and a time not to help, a way to help and a way not to help. You just have to take care of those kids. It can all be so confusing at times.
Hugs to all,
MG
I do agree with you. When someone is doing the best they can do and need help I see nothing wrong with that. My daughter and I help each other out all the time when we get in an unforseen crunch. The money goes back and forth.
If the kids need shoes I don't hesitate to run them by the shoe store on the way home to drop them off. I remember a funny story. I was at the shoe store where there was a sale, 2 for the price of one. I had this huge argument with my grandson. I wanted to buy him 2 pairs of shoes and he kept saying he only needed one pair. He refused to let me buy 2 so I bought myself a pair.
I also agree that buying my grandchildren what they need instead of making a child support payment would be best. My son is in court right now for child support. I would not bail him out on that. I have no doubt that he will probably end up in jail eventually for non payment.
There's just a time to help and a time not to help, a way to help and a way not to help. You just have to take care of those kids. It can all be so confusing at times.
Hugs to all,
MG
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
P.S. Just had to add that I have received nothing except a hard time at a family funeral from his family. I guess they are not laughing at me anymore since they are the enablers.
If I were in your shoes and you usually pay his stuff when he does get that good paycheck I would pay his child support and then when he sends you the next check tell him you can't spread it as far as he is in arrears to HIS kids and you are only trying to keep him out of trouble with the courts.
If I were in your shoes and you usually pay his stuff when he does get that good paycheck I would pay his child support and then when he sends you the next check tell him you can't spread it as far as he is in arrears to HIS kids and you are only trying to keep him out of trouble with the courts.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: lubbock texas
Posts: 15
looking up to my higher power
Hi Becky, How are you today? thank you for your kind words. It it hard my bones are killing me but hope to feeling better soon. I will call on you if and when I do get weak. 33 years of using drugs, I am paying today with GOD'S help and knowing I am not the only one really helps. Reading about people like myself and what they have been thur helps too. I will pray for all of us!!! thank you Last edited by sissie; 05-15-2006 at 06:12 PM. Reason: no please print this my mistake
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I would pay the support when need be directly to the mother. I would not take this burden away from your son. I think your ex dauther in law knows about his unreliability. My ex in laws never sent me a dime knowing arrears had accumulated to $16,000. That's a lot of milk. I never got the money. My husband received an almost constant round of applause for recurrently checking himself into rehabs the whole time my kids were young. My kids went without things.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
ICU, you're right, the thread was started some time ago, but sissie is new to this forum, so let's give her a warm welcome and show her how to start her own thread.
Welcome sissie, glad you found us.
Mike
Welcome sissie, glad you found us.
Mike
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