Lyssy

I am having an off day. BTW – yesterday was (supposedly) H’s 6 mo sobriety anniversary.

This is going to be long – if you get through it I appreciate it.

It really started yesterday with a blow up regarding finances. We live ok, with money not being a day to day worry, but if I lost my job, it wouldn’t take us, oh, six to eight months to be in trouble. We (I) don’t carry any debt except for the mortgage, he has a credit card that has a balance and although I have no idea what the actual balance is, I believe that it is under $5000. We drive used vehicles so don’t owe on any of those. I make substantially more money at my job as well as carry the health insurance on both. I pay all the bills, manage all the back accounts, make the decisions solely on my own regarding contracts (electric and refinancing the house for example). I am the saver and always make sure I put monies in the savings account every payday.

I have tried and tried to get him to care, to help, to give a flip about any of it. I tell him well, this week is going to be tight – there is xyz in the bank and I have 1, 2 & 3 to pay so we really need to watch it. He just doesn’t give a rats ass. If there is money there, great, if not, well money from saving will transfer to cover it. I am always the one (it seems to me) to sacrifice (“I really don’t need that this week, it can wait”) and then he comes home with a stack of $20 worth of lottery tickets. His expenses are way more than mine (gas, etc.).

There are two primary back accounts. The shared household account that my check goes into (automatic deposit) and he puts in x amount per week. The balance of what he gets paid is his “mad money”. I don’t get to have any mad money. I do not see his weekly check stub, but do the yearly taxes so, know what he makes yearly. Also, if he is “short” with his obligations to the household account – he does not feel the need to “make up” the shortage. All bills are paid out of the household account.

Yesterday I recognized that I had a ton of resentment built up with regards to this. Because the “house” account didn’t have any money meant I didn’t have any money. In sitting with this, I realized that I was feeling cheated and abused because of this and in thinking about what I had learned (and read here and in Alanon) that I was enabling him and that I needed to reclaim/set boundaries with this issue. Needless to say, the “talk” didn’t go well and he threw in my face “well, what are we now just roommates”? He chooses where he works. He chooses the mileage he drives (gas, tolls, higher vehicle insurance, etc). His work is a bad environment for him (although I have not said anything about that in six months except at the very beginning – simply stating that I thought it was a bad decision to return there after rehab). There is drinking there. ALWAYS. Always beer in the fridge – long drinking (liquor) lunch hours, etc. He now goes to AA at lunch hour most days. Through his years of employment (and drinking) there he has not had a pay increase (raise) ever. He has no medical insurance through them, no paid vacations (on and on). I have worked my tail off to get where I am and very proud of it. I have a great job. I have received a pay increase every year for 18 years while here along with bonuses. I have five weeks of vacation, and several other perks.

I have to apologize for my blow up yesterday, but I am also serious about putting a stop to it. He is making his choice to stay where he is and I have to stop enabling him with the monies always being there when he wants to do something “fun” and I have to yet again sacrifice.

After the blow up/fight he left to the grocery store for milk and cereal for breakfasts and cat food so our cat would have food for the week. When he got back he was in the garage tinkering with his little projects and I went out to talk with him briefly and I am not sure, but I may have smelt beer on his breath. I don’t know, but I have been so blind to his drinking in the past I guess I am ultra sensitive. No other signs of drinking (again that I could tell, but he hides it well).

Any suggestions, advise, input or criticisms welcome. I am so frustrated and mad at myself. I wish we didn’t own the house. It would make it so much easier to just walk away, but my credit is very important to me. To me it represents my character (honest and dependable).

catlovermi

So... are his attitudes towards money the same PRE-sobriety as EARLY sobriety? Because if so, they are not related to his sobriety and he hasn't shown any desire to change them, so it is what it is.

The question becomes: Is this how you want to live?

Answering that question is a function of YOU, as he has already demonstrated who he is. Believe him!

Sending support,

CLMI

Lyssy

Put that way, Yes, I guess they are the same pre/post although he has been more consistent with his responsibility to contribute "said" money to the account on a more reliable basis.

No, it is not how I want to live.

Thank you for your input. Not sure what to do now at least in the short term.

Tuffgirl

Well, it would save your sanity if you stopped going to the hardware for bread. The store doesn't carry bread. It will never offer bread for sale. Maybe, at best, you could buy a candy bar. And maybe you can find a way to make that candy bar be a good substitute for the bread you are hoping for. Maybe not. But right now, this is what it is, being mad about it only makes you mad and anxious. He's not mad or anxious, is he?

No two people are perfectly alike in relationships. We bring our strengths and weaknesses to the table. Maybe this is your strength and his weakness...and if so...why not play up on that instead of seeing it as a sign he doesn't care or isn't invested somehow? Maybe this is an area where he truly is ambivalent, and it has nothing to do with you. Or maybe he's used to you doing everything already, so why expend any energy when you obviously have it all under control?

Honestly, Lyssy, I think this issue may be the surface one, but the underlying issue stems from the alcoholism and your own fears. And rightfully so! It takes a while to settle back into normalcy after the crazy train ride of addictions.

catlovermi

I think HIS money is HIS, and HER money is THEIRS, and he's fine with that.

The problem is SHE is not fine with it. (for valid reasons)

It doesn't seem related to the alcoholism in the least, really.

Lyssy

Thanks Tuffgirl, I think you may be on to something. I have taken care of him and everything for so very long that now, growing, I realize that I am not taking care of myself. I have done without so much for so long that and now that I see it, I am struggling. I think that I am more upset than I am mad.

I am no longer willing to put any more into this relationship than he is willing or is doing. Including financial, emotional or physical. I told him right after rehab when he wanted to come back home, that things were going to be different and I was not going to be the push over. I was going to become very selfish when it came to me and my needs. That is what I am working on.

And yes, I have a ton of fears and I don’t trust him or his sobriety. Don’t know exactly what to do about that either.

You are correct. This is my finances and managing the household is my strong suit. It is what I do. Always have (even single). I have managed my money and budget since I was fourteen. He just seems to have the ability to sabotage my best laid plans, budget, needs and wants.

Lyssy

I told him that yesterday. "What is yours is yours but what is mine is yours also."

I do think it is related - it is his lack of personal responsibility (to me, the house, etc.) that is and has been a trait that runs through his entire life with alcohol being a big one/only one for a long, long time. I am not sure if he is drinking or not, but he certainly doesn't have any concept of responsibility of his actions or lack there of. Just go along to get along. I am tired of carrying it all by myself.

I may be completely off on this. Like I said in the original post - I am just off and am having all kinds of doubts and really down on myself right now.

I guess I am having a pity party day.

Mirage74

Hmm, sounds complicated. You could try to go talk to a financial advisor at you bank that you trust about the situation. He may be able to help you set up a better system. And it will probably tick your husband off, but it sounds like you need to draw a line in the sand, for your peace of mind. Just one suggestion. Good luck

Florence

Wow, this sounds familiar. If you go through my archives, many of the early posts are about money. What's mine was ours, what's his was his, and a secret, and my attempts to figure out why we were always broke was like setting fire to a powder keg.

Honestly, the only respite I've had from this argument was to kick him out and stop relying on him for money -- which was easy because when he finally quit the job that enabled his drinking, he hasn't had a stable, reliable job since. I took his (my) credit cards and cut them up. Then I divided the bank accounts and required him to deposit X amount every week if he wanted to live with me and the kids. We made these new rules with the help of his counselor. He didn't do any of it. Always had an excuse. He was chronically under or unemployed, and has been unemployed for the better part of the last three years.

My new goal is to be self-sufficient without his money or anyone else's. It will be a long time before that is the case, but it is at the forefront of my mind all the time.

My STBXAH is still doing just fine. He lives in his parent's basement -- lucky for him they think it's mean to require him to be self-supportive -- and has no plans on moving out. But for all his hard luck stories about why he can't help me and the kids, I notice he has new shoes on damn near every time I see him.

I think the real problem here is that your guy has it good, and he has no vested interest in changing the arrangement.

DG0409

If you smell beer on his breath, chances are it's not because he was drinking milk or eating the cat's food.

Lyssy

Thank you for your input. The quote above says exactly what I am thinking.

For further clarification to all who replied. This is not about control or punishment (of him). It is about taking responsibility for me, my needs and my life without the threat (not the best word) of him sabotaging my plans or his financial whims compromising my actions. I don't want to be 80 years old living in a house that is falling down around me. I need to start acting instead of wishing and hoping things will get better. If he decides to get on the band wagon - all the better.

Maybe I am wrong in thinking that going along with the way things have been is enabling him, but he has NO desire to change anything with regards to finances or house repairs (or even vacations).

Sunshine888

This is exactly my life right now. Every month is a struggle with my AH for his help with bills. I have been an enabler hoping that this month would be different. Three weeks ago, I left my AH and I actually see a brighter future. No more lies. No more excuses. I have worked too hard for what I have to have my AH's lack of respobsibility tear apart my credit. I wish the best for him, but he isn't helping me or himself. Now it is time for me to focus on me - the healthy, happy me.

Tuffgirl

If you need house repairs - go contract for them. Find the best looking brawny crew to do the work...the kind that makes you want to stay home from work to "supervise". See if that motivates him!!

In all seriousness....no where does it say you have to trust this guy just because he's been sober a couple months. Give yourself some time. It's ok to feel mistrustful and resentful...as long as you know that is how you really feel and its coming out sideways in the form of financial stress. Mine was in the form of co-habitation stress. I was deathly afraid of living with my ex again...just couldn't do it. And he had over a year sober under his belt at that point.

Be gentle to yourself.
~T

HopefulinFLA

I have known couples with similar financial "habits" so to speak who have separate bank accounts and have divided up the bills according to who can afford to pay what. So, for example, maybe he pays the utilities and you pay the mortgage. If HE wants to drive an expensive car, HE can figure out how to pay for it with HIS money. If HE wants to spend HIS money on foolishness, that's HIS business. You can then budget, save, and spend as you see fit. There would be a more equitable distribution of funds, and less resentment.

It doesn't fix his personal responsibility issues, but it might make you feel a little better and make your savings account look healthier.

Hope this helps.

HopefulinFLA

And separate credit cards might be a good idea too.