Indecisiveness

Old 08-18-2013, 08:45 PM
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Indecisiveness

At times, I am sure that I know what I want, and then on the other hand, I find myself questioning my decisions. I removed myself from a relationship with my AXBF, continue to pursue my goals, and try to move on. But then, I still miss him and want to know how he is doing. Why?

But in the time and space we have been apart, he has continued on his path. While not using his DOC- he is still pursuing a lifestyle that is likely headed in a circle. I know this is not my concern, but I think I have not moved on because I am still waiting. Waiting for a miracle that will likely never come.

This is the thinking that usually sends me running back to his arms, and I know that is not the answer. But once again, I am about to go home and being on my own again for this long keeps me longing for him. I am not even sure it's human to be alone for this long. My friends and family think something is wrong with me because I am not dating or trying to move on in their eyes.

I am somewhat worried about me too being all work and no play. Yes, I do what I love, but I do it all by myself. I have my dream job. I am so grateful for my health and my life. But I feel that love and family is the most important part of life, and I feel like I am getting so far from the possibility of that ever happening.

Not really sure what I am getting at here but thought this was the safest place to air my dirty laundry. I really want to move on with or without him in my life. But I think I tend to get in my own way. I make excuses out of fear. Maybe that's all this is- fear? I also read that indecisiveness is a symptom of depression. Interesting!

Love and blessings to all!
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Old 08-18-2013, 10:12 PM
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Greetings Sister.

It has been nice to see you show up, and I have felt that old kinship with you as I have read your posts. I just haven't been writing as much these days, but felt the need to respond a little to you. This post of yours rings familiar to me...it sounds like something I understand, I have had similar feelings.

I sometimes joke, or rather I often joke, that statistically I am in the Sahara desert. Seriously, there are some intense statistics that point to my being single from here on out!

When I met my ex I thought it was like a lightning bolt gift from heaven! I knew he had struggled but I just didn't get it. I was in recovery (at that point four years sober) and I just thought well...hey, recovery works!!! I didn't know crack. I thought that two beautiful souls had found each other in the damaged goods bargain bin..and that we were going to accept each others past, hold each other up with dignity, integrity and beauty, and love each other into bliss!

I was wrong. But that initial feeling...that lightning bolt gift from heaven...it was/is so very hard to get over. There are still residual waves of effects from the heart break I felt in leaving. I will say this again...addiction/codependency turned dreams into denial, faith in recovery into addiction to hope, hope into fantasy, and love into addiction.

The whole bad ride, the spiral downward, was so heart breakingly tragic and traumatizing that it is no wonder why it takes so long to move through the processing stages of grief, healing, and rediscovering love of self. Maybe that's what the initial lighting bolt gift was...it was that I was going to learn a really really f'n hard lesson...to love myself.

Acceptance is key in this journey. I know my ex is still cycling around. I check in on him still on fb...why? weakness still. love? hope? loneliness? codependency? I don't need to label it so much as just accept where I am at and keep moving forward toward greater serenity. Life. Like the line in the movie "Trainspotting"..."choose life."

I accept that there was something in our connection that hooked me in a way that feels like a fundamental shift. It was life changing. Once an addict always an addict...and I was addicted to him. So now I have to learn to live with that, to live with that with grace, and dignity and integrity and acceptance. I have to accept it so that I can love that part of myself too...so that I don't have to go ever go back and relearn those old lessons.

My acceptance includes the idea that as much as an addict, even months and years in recovery, might still have triggers and cravings...so too do I.

My ex and I found each other in the "damaged goods bin" and we loved each other. He accepted me, and he helped me open my heart...I just didn't know...I didn't know there were conditions, and that the damage was deeper than I thought. I thought we would be in recovery together. But we're not. I had to get out of his way...and he had to get out of my life.

My life right now is pretty much all work too...and I am blessed with my dream job too.
There are a lot of women who are very human who live happy single lives.
I don't know where your statistics point but I do know that being happy probably does not point toward being caught in the spiral with your ex!

Sorry so long and meandering!

Thanks for coming back and making some posts...I appreciate your honesty. Being vulnerable is a good thing. Check out Brene Brown on utube....her TEDtalk on vulnerability and joy.

Peace, Leslie
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:07 AM
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Originally Posted by blackandblue View Post
At times, I am sure that I know what I want, and then on the other hand, I find myself questioning my decisions. I removed myself from a relationship with my AXBF, continue to pursue my goals, and try to move on. But then, I still miss him and want to know how he is doing. Why?

But in the time and space we have been apart, he has continued on his path. While not using his DOC- he is still pursuing a lifestyle that is likely headed in a circle. I know this is not my concern, but I think I have not moved on because I am still waiting. Waiting for a miracle that will likely never come.

This is the thinking that usually sends me running back to his arms, and I know that is not the answer. But once again, I am about to go home and being on my own again for this long keeps me longing for him. I am not even sure it's human to be alone for this long. My friends and family think something is wrong with me because I am not dating or trying to move on in their eyes.

I am somewhat worried about me too being all work and no play. Yes, I do what I love, but I do it all by myself. I have my dream job. I am so grateful for my health and my life. But I feel that love and family is the most important part of life, and I feel like I am getting so far from the possibility of that ever happening.

Not really sure what I am getting at here but thought this was the safest place to air my dirty laundry. I really want to move on with or without him in my life. But I think I tend to get in my own way. I make excuses out of fear. Maybe that's all this is- fear? I also read that indecisiveness is a symptom of depression. Interesting!

Love and blessings to all!
I'm by far no expert but it sounds like normal feelings about your situation. I think it is natural to grieve what we've lost and feel confused. It also seems that you can verbalize how you feel and are taking steps to move on. That is GREAT, right? Nobody said that was easy but you are doing it so yea!!!

That said, what would it hurt to make a date with someone? (if you really want to that is). It isn't like to you have to marry them. It is just a date.

My daughter is kind of having the same problem but no addiction is involved. She just can't hook up with the right guy and I think is lonely. She also cognitively knows that she doesn't need a guy to make her happy but she'd like to have that dream of the perfect relationship. So it is hard.

All I can think is to keep on keepin' on. If a date situation presents itself and the guy seems nice say yes even if you are hesitant. Give the guy a break.

My guess is that you know the guy you left (very brave thing to do, btw) wasn't right but maybe you aren't missing him per se but what you hoped he would be or what you know he could be....but sadly isn't....at least yet.

Good luck, I'm sure it is hard. You seem to have good insight into what you feel so try to act upon your feelings. If you think you are depressed then seek counseling, if you think you are afraid examine that and try to take steps to not be afraid, etc. I think you made a great step by just writing down how you feel.

Hang in there.

Kari
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:21 AM
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I know how you feel "Black and Blue" but I really find that coming to this site and even just reading what other people are putting really does help in facing the reality of having an ex or current addict partner. It is such a cruel disease, one that infects everything around the addict. You hold in there and think positive thoughts because you deserve to be loved and accepted just as much as everyone else. Take 1 step a day and remember to focus on yourself and just because you have a good career does not mean that God won't bless you with an equally beautiful family xxx
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Old 08-20-2013, 03:17 AM
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lesliej- Great to hear from you and thanks for taking the time to respond with so many great points.

I too felt a shift in my core self after meeting him and it has never left me. I think it's fair to say that I have changed- mostly for the better because of what I have learned. It is possible that I gave him too much power. He claims that I am scared and always run away. That could be partially true that I tend to run away a lot. But I have not found anything to run toward, but plenty to run away from.

I think you're right though- loving myself has been the lesson I keep running into. I think we as humans often are clueless about what we want. We think we know, but rarely do we really know. All I know is something hooked us both in this relationship, and neither of us have been prepared to fully let go. I think it takes a lot of work beyond just walking away and going no contact.

Maybe one day you wake up and that's it. You're just over it and life goes on. Maybe I will continue on solo or maybe not. But my guess is as long as he occupies as much mind/heart space as he does, moving on will be a challenge.

KariSue- Thanks for the reminder that I am making progress. I think a lot of us on this forum start initially come here with very intense and acute situations. Then some of us have a lot of recovery behind us and some have really moved on. Then there is the limbo stage of going back and forth, grieving, and letting go. When the drama is gone and the initial trauma has passed, the post-traumatic stress lingers and makes it very difficult to open up. Each time I go back to my AXBF I learn a lot but I think I have been unaware of the damage done.

Dating- not sure about that one yet. I have never really dated before and I feel like I bring a lot of baggage to the table at the moment. That being said, I have not met one person I would consider in several years, and anyone I would consider has already been taken. Maybe that is why I hang on to the fantasy of my ex.

Crazycoda- Thanks for the reminder that family might still be a possibility : )
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Old 08-20-2013, 06:14 AM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
When I met my ex I thought it was like a lightning bolt gift from heaven! I knew he had struggled but I just didn't get it. I was in recovery (at that point four years sober) and I just thought well...hey, recovery works!!! I didn't know crack. I thought that two beautiful souls had found each other in the damaged goods bargain bin..and that we were going to accept each others past, hold each other up with dignity, integrity and beauty, and love each other into bliss!

I was wrong. But that initial feeling...that lightning bolt gift from heaven...it was/is so very hard to get over. There are still residual waves of effects from the heart break I felt in leaving. I will say this again...addiction/codependency turned dreams into denial, faith in recovery into addiction to hope, hope into fantasy, and love into addiction.

The whole bad ride, the spiral downward, was so heart breakingly tragic and traumatizing that it is no wonder why it takes so long to move through the processing stages of grief, healing, and rediscovering love of self. Maybe that's what the initial lighting bolt gift was...it was that I was going to learn a really really f'n hard lesson...to love myself.

Acceptance is key in this journey. I know my ex is still cycling around. I check in on him still on fb...why? weakness still. love? hope? loneliness? codependency? I don't need to label it so much as just accept where I am at and keep moving forward toward greater serenity. Life. Like the line in the movie "Trainspotting"..."choose life."

I accept that there was something in our connection that hooked me in a way that feels like a fundamental shift. It was life changing. Once an addict always an addict...and I was addicted to him. So now I have to learn to live with that, to live with that with grace, and dignity and integrity and acceptance. I have to accept it so that I can love that part of myself too...so that I don't have to go ever go back and relearn those old lessons.

My acceptance includes the idea that as much as an addict, even months and years in recovery, might still have triggers and cravings...so too do I.

My ex and I found each other in the "damaged goods bin" and we loved each other. He accepted me, and he helped me open my heart...I just didn't know...I didn't know there were conditions, and that the damage was deeper than I thought. I thought we would be in recovery together. But we're not. I had to get out of his way...and he had to get out of my life.
I can completely identify with what you wrote. I'm having a problem with getting better while knowing he's still out there getting sicker. My life, too, has been shifted and it's so hard to shift it back to the " happy, joyous and free" that I once was. I feel permanently (for now) damaged by the misery and despair of the lies and manipulations but mostly by him being gone from my life. I never wanted a relationship but, five years ago, I gave in. And it has ruined me.
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