sobersovereign

Having such a hard time tonight, not even sure why. My sister, who is younger and very much the favorite--the Sister Who Does Everything More Beautifully Than I Do--just had some significant professional success, and I had to sit there at dinner tonight listening to my mother on the phone gloating to all of her friends about it. Of course as soon as she got off the phone, she wanted to tell me all about how I really should go no-carb to drop the extra forty pounds or so I've very visibly put on this year.

I just feel like the proverbial big fat failure. I have--no exaggeration--$22 in the bank to last me through the month, no real job prospects after this spring, and a mountain of debt. I just feel a lot of shame and like I've squandered so many opportunities and chances. I've spent the last fifteen years face down in a bucket of beer and it seems impossible to build any kind of life from the nothing I have beaten myself and my resources down to.

Right now I'm posting on SR, drinking a green smoothie, making the right choice. Of course I know drinking isn't going to put money in the bank or lift me out of my slump--it is, after all, what got me here. But it sure can seem that way in the moment. Anyway, just venting and whining a little. Hope everyone out there is having a good sober Sunday.

Dee74

Hey SS

My younger brother is the high flyer...I decided long ago that that life wasn't what I wanted anyway, so why be jealous?

I like a simple life...I prefer meaning over money...sure both would be nice but you work with what you have...I have enough to eat, shelter, access to medical help....but I'm happy.

work out what it is that would make you happy and go for it

drinking over resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

D

sobersovereign

Thanks Dee. Yeah, I'm happy for her, not terribly resentful, just feeling right sorry for myself and the mess I've made of my life. (Probably also a little resentful toward my mom, of course.) Steering clear of the poison for tonight, though.

grocerease

Its never to late to accomplish anything you set your mind to. I still don't know my calling in life but I have faith I will find it one day. Stay strong.

EFC

And that right there is exactly what can make it so difficult. I consistently felt the same way. I'd feel down, alcohol would beckon as something that would make it better, drink, things wouldn't be better, would feel down, repeat. It took me what seemed like forever to dig myself out of that destructive pattern. I am closing in on nine months sober now, so all I can say is to stick with it - it's worth it.

sobersovereign

Day 4. Glad to report that I made it through last night. Still feeling less than great about my station in life but it's a new day and I'm going to take some small step today toward improving things (beyond just staying sober, which is its own huge improvement.)