don't know how to communicate with my ex ABF
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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don't know how to communicate with my ex ABF
My ex ABF has been in treatment for 10 days. He is has been texting me for the past 2 days. He seems to be clear, and is making some progress. However, at this point he doesn't know why he is inpatient, and thinks he would be fine just going to AA (yeah right).
When he texts me I don't know what to say to him!!! he and I had a fairytale relationship for 3 years, we live apart so I didn't know he had a problem. Now that it is all in the open I don't know what to say. I feel like I am texting a stranger ! Any advice??
When he texts me I don't know what to say to him!!! he and I had a fairytale relationship for 3 years, we live apart so I didn't know he had a problem. Now that it is all in the open I don't know what to say. I feel like I am texting a stranger ! Any advice??
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If he is serious about staying sober he'll immediately start going to daily AA meetings adn get a sponsor. In this instance you must give him a great deal of space, let him go, because there is nothing harder than getting sober. If he comes out and doesn't stay sober then walk away quickly, close the door and don't look back. Alcoholics will pull you down into their misery very quickly.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Mermaid, he is your EX ABF, right? Wondering why he is contacting you to begin with? If he has ideas about rekindling your "fairytale" romance, that could be dangerous ground for both of you--and again, if he is your EX ABF, I'm imagining the fairytale ended at some time and for some reason?
There's not a lot of info given here about your past/current relationship w/him. I think that would have a major effect on what would be appropriate regarding how (and IF) you responded to his texts.
There's not a lot of info given here about your past/current relationship w/him. I think that would have a major effect on what would be appropriate regarding how (and IF) you responded to his texts.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Honeypig,
He is the ex because all within one day I found out he was using a variety of drugs as well as abusing alcohol, was seeing someone else and basically had another life. I attempted to get him to go for help and when he wouldn't hear of it I called his command and reported him (this was before i found out about the GF). We never had a conversation after that day except for me texting him ranting and demanding answers, he called once and told me he hated me, other than that we didn't talk. I am not looking to be anything but a friend and I don't know why I am doing that. I love this man and I love who I thought he was. I know very little about alcohol and drug abuse so all of this is new to me.
He is the ex because all within one day I found out he was using a variety of drugs as well as abusing alcohol, was seeing someone else and basically had another life. I attempted to get him to go for help and when he wouldn't hear of it I called his command and reported him (this was before i found out about the GF). We never had a conversation after that day except for me texting him ranting and demanding answers, he called once and told me he hated me, other than that we didn't talk. I am not looking to be anything but a friend and I don't know why I am doing that. I love this man and I love who I thought he was. I know very little about alcohol and drug abuse so all of this is new to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Yipes, Mermaid--so the fairytale came to a crashing end, it sounds like!
Wow, in your shoes, I don't know that I'd be involved at all at this point. I think lillamy has it right, tell him you'd be willing to talk w/him after he has some serious sober time (a year is the amount most often mentioned), and for now he needs to just focus on himself.
You said "I love this man and I love who I thought he was." I think it might be more accurate to say "I love who I thought he was." He IS someone who lied to you and cheated on you, not much to love there, is there? It's said a lot around here that falling in love w/someone's potential is generally a mistake; you need to look at the reality of that person right now.
You also said you are new to all of this. A frequent recommendation for newcomers here is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Also, if you can spend a little time just reading here every day (and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page), you'll get an education and possibly some insight into why you are even willing to talk to someone who behaved this way towards you.
Thanks for the clarification of the situation, and I hope you're able to take some time and learn more about both addiction and codependence.
Wow, in your shoes, I don't know that I'd be involved at all at this point. I think lillamy has it right, tell him you'd be willing to talk w/him after he has some serious sober time (a year is the amount most often mentioned), and for now he needs to just focus on himself.
You said "I love this man and I love who I thought he was." I think it might be more accurate to say "I love who I thought he was." He IS someone who lied to you and cheated on you, not much to love there, is there? It's said a lot around here that falling in love w/someone's potential is generally a mistake; you need to look at the reality of that person right now.
You also said you are new to all of this. A frequent recommendation for newcomers here is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Also, if you can spend a little time just reading here every day (and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page), you'll get an education and possibly some insight into why you are even willing to talk to someone who behaved this way towards you.
Thanks for the clarification of the situation, and I hope you're able to take some time and learn more about both addiction and codependence.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I know very little about alcohol and drug abuse so all of this is new to me.
Lot of bad stuff in that profile you have given of him.
GET AWAY AND STAY AWAY.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by mermaid60 
...... I am not looking to be anything but a friend and I don't know why I am doing that. I love this man and I love who I thought he was.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
May be you're lucky you found out about his "issues" now and you can move on. Easier said then done; but it sounds necessary.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
I'm in the same chorus with Hammer and Maggie: RUN!!!!
He's an EX bf, not 'husband' to you, or 'father' of your kid(s). Trust my position of being married to an addict/alcoholic, it won't EVER get better if he was either of the latter.
Don't answer him at all, and just run in the other direction.
This is one dark tunnel you don't EVER want to walk down.
He's an EX bf, not 'husband' to you, or 'father' of your kid(s). Trust my position of being married to an addict/alcoholic, it won't EVER get better if he was either of the latter.
Don't answer him at all, and just run in the other direction.
This is one dark tunnel you don't EVER want to walk down.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Spinner-007
He's an EX bf
This is one dark tunnel you don't EVER want to walk down.
i agree with SPINNER: this dark tunnel will have no light
read CO DEPENDENCY NO MORE by Melody Beattie, it will be an eye opener, a
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