M33 working through step1
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
M33 working through step1
When I told my alcoholic Mum I was going to go to Al-anon her reaction was "oh my god, you're such a drama queen. You need to get over yourself". That was the last I heard from her on Thursday. I put the phone down on that.
My local Al-anon is tomorrow evening and I'm not sure I will be going. Not because of what my mum said, but because I'm scared and nervous and not sure I'm ready to cry my way through all this.
I do know that I want to lead the best possible life I can lead, that my life is my life to live and only I can influence my own life so I do want to do some work on myself to get through this as healthy as possible.
I would like to take the points raised in step one and just let myself type what I think, how I feel about them. Please, I would be grateful of any feedback and comments you have for me. i think I will be at step1 for quite sometime.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I do now but I didn't until last week. I thought if I gave my mum an ultimatum of me and her grandchildren she would panic and fight to save our relationship. She didn't. She deflected it all back on to me and identified my foibles, the effect I have on her. It has come as a big surprise that I am now in a period of no contact. It wasn't intended (although secretly wished for) and it hurts that she has chosen her lifestyle over our relationship. This is the biggest sign that the thing that my sober mum lives for (me and her grandkids) is not enough to stop this behaviour. I cannot control her drinking and she cannot control it now. Because of that I cannot control her behaviour either and that is why I am willing to embrace this no contact period... for my own health and wellbeing of my children.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Because I face each problem head on. I'm proactive. I'm the complete opposite from the way my mum has lived her life. My car breaks down I get it fixed. My mum lets hers rust on the drive for 10 years and still counting. I have difficulty paying my gas bill. i call and arrange a period of lower payments. My mum doesn't act, gets her gas cut off, ignores the letter for the new prepay device and now has no way of accessing hot water or heat.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept that this is a disease but that doesn't make my feel any pity for her. It doesn't make me feel any better with the situation because it could have been avoided. I warned her years ago where her drinking would end up, I have numerous discussions with her about how I would not have a drunk around my children but still she has allowed the drinking to get to the stage it is at. I know this is an area where I am going to have to work on. I am angry because I think there was a time when she could have controlled, could have accepted help, could have avoided all this pain but she didn't. T
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
My mum is the only person I have tried to change, but I don't even think I have tried to change her. Manipulate or try to give ultimatums I guess but not change. Is an ultimatum a way of making a person change. yes I think it is. No, it didn't work. The consequences were that now my mum has lost me and her grandchildren and I am now having to deal with the guilt of feeling like I've abandoned her in a time of unbelievable trouble.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Ultimatums again. I think I have realised that I can't manipluate anything to make it better for me. What I need to do is take control of my own life (even though my mum gave me this life - that bit is hard. I feel I owe her) make my own decisions and take reponsibility for myself. That is the only way my needs will be met.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel hurt. I feel the pain of her choosing the drink over being round me. I feel snubbed and ignored. I feel like I'm worthless to her. I respond by hiding I guess. I am having no contact. I'm not sure it's what either my mum or I need but it's what's happening. I think I am in no contact to hurt her, even though I say it's to protect myself from the pain. It's difficult to admit to that.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Nothing would happen. Everything would go along the way it is but maybe I would have an easier time of it. I'm not sure.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I try to help anyone I can. I 'suffer' from empathy. I'm a caring person and try to help in a pro-active way. In doing so though I think some people relinquish their responsibilities. Oh M33 will sort it for me. i don't know. I know that people don't sort any of my problems and infact when I really needed my family members... the one time in my life where I was falling really badly - I was refused help. I'm bitter about it but it didn't stop me helping them all out 4 y ears down the line.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Sort your house out (bottles everywhere) and get help with your drinking. that's what I said to mam. To get off her bottom and start putting all those bottles into one room so I can come in and clear them away seems so simple to me. Going to the doctors or AA and admitting she has a problem seems so easy to me. Doing one or both of those things to keep her daughter/grandkids in her life seems so easy to me. No quick fix - I'm doubtful there's even a fix
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I never feel responsible for anyone other than my two children and even then they have to have some sort of responsibility for their own actions. I am not responsible for my mums drinking and never will be even if this no contact period makes me feel guilty for sending her to the bottle. She'd drink anyway
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
Oh I feel a lot of shame. The state of her house, the smelly/dirty state of her. This is the woman that told us to always be wary what other people think and that we should never do anything to get people talking. I was told if I did anything to bring shame on the family then I was out of the door and on my own. That's a difficult mindset to get out of and I feel people are looking at her and judging me for letting it happen and not helping.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
All I can say is I am not letting this experience with my mother rule who I am. I will do everything in my power to get through this mentally unscathed and lead a full and happy life. I am the reason i am here. A healthy me is a healthy mum and wife to my family.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
I don't think this is relevant to me
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I get angry, I stew and cannot focus on anything and I eat anything and everything. I know I need antidepressants but fight that because it shows weakness and allows others to judge.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
At the moment I'm asking my children do they love me. I paint happy times when they're older of family gatherings at my house. complete with their children and pets. I'm not bothered what anyone else around me thinks (to a point) but I do need the loe and approval of my children. I am not worried about my other half as I know he's there for me but I am worried that my children will think about me as I do my mum now.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
All the time. I get angry and become a martyr. Sometimes that martyrdom is addictive in itself. It must be I keep on doing things I don't want to do with a smile on my face and then grumble to others around me about having to do them.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I am very in tune with me. I will have a happy life no matter what is thrown at me. Grief/worry/upset will all cross my path but I am an individual and I have a little time on this earth to make sure I have no regrets.
How well do I take care of myself?
Well. Apart from over eating I do everything in my power to make sure I am coping with life. In periods where I can't I seek to do something about it
How do I feel when I am alone?
I like my own company. So one can hurt me if I'm by myself.
What is the difference between pity and love?
pity is a negative emotion that eats up the person who is feeling it. Pity allows people to look down on people in a way that is awful and pity doesn't offer anything in the way of support. Love. With regard to my mum I don't know. i don't love her. I haven't loved her for a very long time, if ever. She didn't like me as a child because she thought my excitement of seeing my daddy come home at 5pm was uncalled for as it was her who had cared for me all day and I should have appreciated her with the open armed excitement and happy giggles. When you're told that when you're dad dies at 10 it kind of takes away a bit of respect. If you have no respect I don't think you can have love.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
No. I repel needy people. My OH is the strong one in our house and I like that. I like that in my own 4 walls the solid man takes the lead supportive roll. If he's not worried then I'm not worried. I suffer from anxiety issues and panic attacks. I seldom worry when he is near me. If I was with someone who needed me to be strong then I would be worse.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes 100% I trust myself. I know my weakness and I know what I should do to fix them. I'm very in tune with my own needs and how I'm feeling. i know I can always depend on me to find a way through a difficult situation.
Apologies if any of what I have written has offended or seemed immature or selfish. I have just typed as I have thought. It has been a really useful exercise and as the days go on this week I would like to have a think and address the issues further.
My local Al-anon is tomorrow evening and I'm not sure I will be going. Not because of what my mum said, but because I'm scared and nervous and not sure I'm ready to cry my way through all this.
I do know that I want to lead the best possible life I can lead, that my life is my life to live and only I can influence my own life so I do want to do some work on myself to get through this as healthy as possible.
I would like to take the points raised in step one and just let myself type what I think, how I feel about them. Please, I would be grateful of any feedback and comments you have for me. i think I will be at step1 for quite sometime.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I do now but I didn't until last week. I thought if I gave my mum an ultimatum of me and her grandchildren she would panic and fight to save our relationship. She didn't. She deflected it all back on to me and identified my foibles, the effect I have on her. It has come as a big surprise that I am now in a period of no contact. It wasn't intended (although secretly wished for) and it hurts that she has chosen her lifestyle over our relationship. This is the biggest sign that the thing that my sober mum lives for (me and her grandkids) is not enough to stop this behaviour. I cannot control her drinking and she cannot control it now. Because of that I cannot control her behaviour either and that is why I am willing to embrace this no contact period... for my own health and wellbeing of my children.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
Because I face each problem head on. I'm proactive. I'm the complete opposite from the way my mum has lived her life. My car breaks down I get it fixed. My mum lets hers rust on the drive for 10 years and still counting. I have difficulty paying my gas bill. i call and arrange a period of lower payments. My mum doesn't act, gets her gas cut off, ignores the letter for the new prepay device and now has no way of accessing hot water or heat.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I do accept that this is a disease but that doesn't make my feel any pity for her. It doesn't make me feel any better with the situation because it could have been avoided. I warned her years ago where her drinking would end up, I have numerous discussions with her about how I would not have a drunk around my children but still she has allowed the drinking to get to the stage it is at. I know this is an area where I am going to have to work on. I am angry because I think there was a time when she could have controlled, could have accepted help, could have avoided all this pain but she didn't. T
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
My mum is the only person I have tried to change, but I don't even think I have tried to change her. Manipulate or try to give ultimatums I guess but not change. Is an ultimatum a way of making a person change. yes I think it is. No, it didn't work. The consequences were that now my mum has lost me and her grandchildren and I am now having to deal with the guilt of feeling like I've abandoned her in a time of unbelievable trouble.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Ultimatums again. I think I have realised that I can't manipluate anything to make it better for me. What I need to do is take control of my own life (even though my mum gave me this life - that bit is hard. I feel I owe her) make my own decisions and take reponsibility for myself. That is the only way my needs will be met.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel hurt. I feel the pain of her choosing the drink over being round me. I feel snubbed and ignored. I feel like I'm worthless to her. I respond by hiding I guess. I am having no contact. I'm not sure it's what either my mum or I need but it's what's happening. I think I am in no contact to hurt her, even though I say it's to protect myself from the pain. It's difficult to admit to that.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Nothing would happen. Everything would go along the way it is but maybe I would have an easier time of it. I'm not sure.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
I try to help anyone I can. I 'suffer' from empathy. I'm a caring person and try to help in a pro-active way. In doing so though I think some people relinquish their responsibilities. Oh M33 will sort it for me. i don't know. I know that people don't sort any of my problems and infact when I really needed my family members... the one time in my life where I was falling really badly - I was refused help. I'm bitter about it but it didn't stop me helping them all out 4 y ears down the line.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Sort your house out (bottles everywhere) and get help with your drinking. that's what I said to mam. To get off her bottom and start putting all those bottles into one room so I can come in and clear them away seems so simple to me. Going to the doctors or AA and admitting she has a problem seems so easy to me. Doing one or both of those things to keep her daughter/grandkids in her life seems so easy to me. No quick fix - I'm doubtful there's even a fix
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I never feel responsible for anyone other than my two children and even then they have to have some sort of responsibility for their own actions. I am not responsible for my mums drinking and never will be even if this no contact period makes me feel guilty for sending her to the bottle. She'd drink anyway
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
Oh I feel a lot of shame. The state of her house, the smelly/dirty state of her. This is the woman that told us to always be wary what other people think and that we should never do anything to get people talking. I was told if I did anything to bring shame on the family then I was out of the door and on my own. That's a difficult mindset to get out of and I feel people are looking at her and judging me for letting it happen and not helping.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
All I can say is I am not letting this experience with my mother rule who I am. I will do everything in my power to get through this mentally unscathed and lead a full and happy life. I am the reason i am here. A healthy me is a healthy mum and wife to my family.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
I don't think this is relevant to me
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
I get angry, I stew and cannot focus on anything and I eat anything and everything. I know I need antidepressants but fight that because it shows weakness and allows others to judge.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
At the moment I'm asking my children do they love me. I paint happy times when they're older of family gatherings at my house. complete with their children and pets. I'm not bothered what anyone else around me thinks (to a point) but I do need the loe and approval of my children. I am not worried about my other half as I know he's there for me but I am worried that my children will think about me as I do my mum now.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
All the time. I get angry and become a martyr. Sometimes that martyrdom is addictive in itself. It must be I keep on doing things I don't want to do with a smile on my face and then grumble to others around me about having to do them.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I am very in tune with me. I will have a happy life no matter what is thrown at me. Grief/worry/upset will all cross my path but I am an individual and I have a little time on this earth to make sure I have no regrets.
How well do I take care of myself?
Well. Apart from over eating I do everything in my power to make sure I am coping with life. In periods where I can't I seek to do something about it
How do I feel when I am alone?
I like my own company. So one can hurt me if I'm by myself.
What is the difference between pity and love?
pity is a negative emotion that eats up the person who is feeling it. Pity allows people to look down on people in a way that is awful and pity doesn't offer anything in the way of support. Love. With regard to my mum I don't know. i don't love her. I haven't loved her for a very long time, if ever. She didn't like me as a child because she thought my excitement of seeing my daddy come home at 5pm was uncalled for as it was her who had cared for me all day and I should have appreciated her with the open armed excitement and happy giggles. When you're told that when you're dad dies at 10 it kind of takes away a bit of respect. If you have no respect I don't think you can have love.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
No. I repel needy people. My OH is the strong one in our house and I like that. I like that in my own 4 walls the solid man takes the lead supportive roll. If he's not worried then I'm not worried. I suffer from anxiety issues and panic attacks. I seldom worry when he is near me. If I was with someone who needed me to be strong then I would be worse.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
Yes 100% I trust myself. I know my weakness and I know what I should do to fix them. I'm very in tune with my own needs and how I'm feeling. i know I can always depend on me to find a way through a difficult situation.
Apologies if any of what I have written has offended or seemed immature or selfish. I have just typed as I have thought. It has been a really useful exercise and as the days go on this week I would like to have a think and address the issues further.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
M33, good job with the first step.
I want you to know that working the steps there are no right or wrong answers. It is designed to make you look at you and your actions and reactions. In short step one is only acceptance. If you accept they are an alcoholic and you have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself and how you are going to react to them.
As you go through the steps you will see you are going to revisit past steps many times, such is the circle of life. You will soon see that they not only deal with the addict but all phases of your life will benefit from working the steps. So don't just stick on step one, you seem to have accepted it. Now keep move on.
Going to the al-anon meetings will help you and clarify the steps in there books.
I want you to know that working the steps there are no right or wrong answers. It is designed to make you look at you and your actions and reactions. In short step one is only acceptance. If you accept they are an alcoholic and you have no power over them. The only person you have power over is yourself and how you are going to react to them.
As you go through the steps you will see you are going to revisit past steps many times, such is the circle of life. You will soon see that they not only deal with the addict but all phases of your life will benefit from working the steps. So don't just stick on step one, you seem to have accepted it. Now keep move on.
Going to the al-anon meetings will help you and clarify the steps in there books.
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