venting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
venting
I'm so frustrated!
I saw that on FB last night my ex posted that he is drinking and "buzzing" with his wife. However, the court order states he cannot drink 12 hours before his visitation. He has visitation (with his wife as supervisor) in less than an hour. If he appears hungover, I will not allow visitation and that's that. (FYI, I am not friends with him on FB but his profile is public. Yes, I know I should not check up on his FB page but this pertains directly to my son and the court order.)
Ugh! I don't trust my ex and I don't trust his wife. They know they aren't supposed to drink before. I also posted a while ago that his wife admitted to me that she also recently had a drinking problem. So even after the supervised visitation due to his drinking, they are both still drinking together, even right before visitation?
I'm sad and scared that my child is in their care. My ex hasn't messed up "big time" in terms of visitation (so far, he has picked up/dropped off exactly on time and has no appeared hungover/drunk) but today may be the day. He also said he will miss his next visitation bc he is going out of town. (He sees my son about 24 hours in a month so it makes me so sad for my son that my planned an out of town trip during his visitation weekend.)
Ahhhh! I'm really frustrated.
I saw that on FB last night my ex posted that he is drinking and "buzzing" with his wife. However, the court order states he cannot drink 12 hours before his visitation. He has visitation (with his wife as supervisor) in less than an hour. If he appears hungover, I will not allow visitation and that's that. (FYI, I am not friends with him on FB but his profile is public. Yes, I know I should not check up on his FB page but this pertains directly to my son and the court order.)
Ugh! I don't trust my ex and I don't trust his wife. They know they aren't supposed to drink before. I also posted a while ago that his wife admitted to me that she also recently had a drinking problem. So even after the supervised visitation due to his drinking, they are both still drinking together, even right before visitation?
I'm sad and scared that my child is in their care. My ex hasn't messed up "big time" in terms of visitation (so far, he has picked up/dropped off exactly on time and has no appeared hungover/drunk) but today may be the day. He also said he will miss his next visitation bc he is going out of town. (He sees my son about 24 hours in a month so it makes me so sad for my son that my planned an out of town trip during his visitation weekend.)Ahhhh! I'm really frustrated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Only advise is document, document, document. Save it all. You may not have enough to fight visitation based on one violation, but maybe with 50? Even minor violation and forfeiting visitation is with multiple forfeits. Screen capture his fb page and start today.
For now, just take a deep breath. Know you are not alone.
For now, just take a deep breath. Know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Why are you frustrated? Has he complied with stuff like this before and this is a new scenario? And what a dumb-butt for posting on Facebook. Yeesh.
So said in all kindness here - time to EXPECT this from him, so when it happens, you won't be phased in the slightest and will just jump into whatever action you need to do. Then, if (big if) one day he actually does the right thing, you will be pleasantly surprised instead of p'od. It's a much better emotion than frustrated and disappointed.
So said in all kindness here - time to EXPECT this from him, so when it happens, you won't be phased in the slightest and will just jump into whatever action you need to do. Then, if (big if) one day he actually does the right thing, you will be pleasantly surprised instead of p'od. It's a much better emotion than frustrated and disappointed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Florence beat me to it.
Actually, best thing to do would be not only to do that, but to also have a friend witness the live FB page. Printouts aren't always reliable--I had a defendant who created a fake FB page to "prove" that his stalking victim was threatening him. His lawyer brought me the printout, hoping we would drop the charges. Instead, we were able to prove it was a fake. So having a friend look at the page and taking note of the URL (web address) would corroborate what you saw, even if he later deletes the posting.
Actually, best thing to do would be not only to do that, but to also have a friend witness the live FB page. Printouts aren't always reliable--I had a defendant who created a fake FB page to "prove" that his stalking victim was threatening him. His lawyer brought me the printout, hoping we would drop the charges. Instead, we were able to prove it was a fake. So having a friend look at the page and taking note of the URL (web address) would corroborate what you saw, even if he later deletes the posting.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I would report it and not allow the visitation, if at all possible. These are your children's lives here. Although I that it's not always that easy, and that makes me grumpy. *sigh* Document, document, document. Maybe this won't even be an issue in the future if he gives enough ammo to warrant legal intervention.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Do you have the authority to cancel the visitation if you know he and his girlfriend have been drinking within 12 hours???
If so, I wouldn't have let him come this morning. Do as Lexie says and print that FB page out with a witness and write your notes and justifications down in case it is contested down the road.
If he is not complying with the court order (and she, the supervisor is not either) then why let it continue??
Follow the court order ....
Whether or not he "looks hungover" or not is not really a good barometer. You KNOW that he was partying hearty within 12 hours then you have something....
What he does any other time is not really your concern. Only when it affects the court order and your kids visitation...
If so, I wouldn't have let him come this morning. Do as Lexie says and print that FB page out with a witness and write your notes and justifications down in case it is contested down the road.
If he is not complying with the court order (and she, the supervisor is not either) then why let it continue??
Follow the court order ....
Whether or not he "looks hungover" or not is not really a good barometer. You KNOW that he was partying hearty within 12 hours then you have something....
What he does any other time is not really your concern. Only when it affects the court order and your kids visitation...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thanks for your support and wise words, everyone!
He posted on FB at about 7:30PM last night, so he was technically not within the 12-hour period prior to visitation (that would be 10PM or after). He posted he was at a restaurant, eating and "getting buzzed." He didn't post anything after that, so who knows what he did after or when he stopped drinking.
I had a friend come over this morning and I told her about his FB post. I asked her to come outside with me when my ex and his wife came for visitation. When my ex came, both my friend and I walked up with my son to his car. We did not smell any alcohol on him or his breath and he did not act hungover/drunk. So I didn't mention anything to him and allowed my son to go have visitation with him. I felt a little uneasy because he was drinking the night before according to his FB, but there wasn't enough "proof" for me to call the police or cancel the visitation.
His wife introduced herself to my friend, smiling and acting like everyone was so normal. HELLO! You were drinking last night with an alcoholic who lost custody of his son due to his drinking! AND who was dangerously close to violating the court order! She is the supervisor but she clearly does not have my son's best interests at heart. I'm still working through my feelings about my ex and his wife (he cheated on me with her when I was pregnant and after my son was born) but I keep telling myself that it is a good thing I am not married to an alcoholic and someone who tells others he is single behind his wife's back, etc, etc.
Coincidentally, I got my new book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz in the mail today. The four agreements are: 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don't take anything personally. 3. Don't make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. In recovery, I am working hard to learn new, healthy behaviors, thoughts, and actions, but I am still struggling.
Okay. Venting over! Time to focus on ME and protecting/parenting my son. I'm going to settle in for some reading before my son gets dropped off again.
He posted on FB at about 7:30PM last night, so he was technically not within the 12-hour period prior to visitation (that would be 10PM or after). He posted he was at a restaurant, eating and "getting buzzed." He didn't post anything after that, so who knows what he did after or when he stopped drinking.
I had a friend come over this morning and I told her about his FB post. I asked her to come outside with me when my ex and his wife came for visitation. When my ex came, both my friend and I walked up with my son to his car. We did not smell any alcohol on him or his breath and he did not act hungover/drunk. So I didn't mention anything to him and allowed my son to go have visitation with him. I felt a little uneasy because he was drinking the night before according to his FB, but there wasn't enough "proof" for me to call the police or cancel the visitation.
His wife introduced herself to my friend, smiling and acting like everyone was so normal. HELLO! You were drinking last night with an alcoholic who lost custody of his son due to his drinking! AND who was dangerously close to violating the court order! She is the supervisor but she clearly does not have my son's best interests at heart. I'm still working through my feelings about my ex and his wife (he cheated on me with her when I was pregnant and after my son was born) but I keep telling myself that it is a good thing I am not married to an alcoholic and someone who tells others he is single behind his wife's back, etc, etc.
Coincidentally, I got my new book, "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz in the mail today. The four agreements are: 1. Be impeccable with your word. 2. Don't take anything personally. 3. Don't make assumptions. 4. Always do your best. In recovery, I am working hard to learn new, healthy behaviors, thoughts, and actions, but I am still struggling.
Okay. Venting over! Time to focus on ME and protecting/parenting my son. I'm going to settle in for some reading before my son gets dropped off again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I sympathize butterfly, it's horrible when you have doubts about your childrens safety & don't trust the ex.
You did all the right things & are a good Mum.
For future reference keep a diary of dates, times & info, it may help later.
You did all the right things & are a good Mum.
For future reference keep a diary of dates, times & info, it may help later.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thanks Kat60 and Rosiepetal! Thanks for the kind words and support. 
I was thrown off by my ex's behavior and I had a bad day yesterday. I was chastising myself for getting so angry and thrown off by my ex, but what did that accomplish? Absolutely nothing but a bunch of wasted energy and time.
By the end of the day, I kept repeating to myself that "I love and accept myself as I am today." I also forced myself to breathe, relax, do meditation, and sat with my son and enjoyed him while drinking tea before we went to bed. These affirming thoughts and actions, these expressions of self-love, and self-care, has already been central to my healing and recovery. Although I am still struggling with the ramifications of my horrendous relationship with my AXBF and my family of origin issues as an ACOA, I am learning how to be gentle with myself and love myself.
I was thrown off by my ex's behavior and I had a bad day yesterday. I was chastising myself for getting so angry and thrown off by my ex, but what did that accomplish? Absolutely nothing but a bunch of wasted energy and time.
By the end of the day, I kept repeating to myself that "I love and accept myself as I am today." I also forced myself to breathe, relax, do meditation, and sat with my son and enjoyed him while drinking tea before we went to bed. These affirming thoughts and actions, these expressions of self-love, and self-care, has already been central to my healing and recovery. Although I am still struggling with the ramifications of my horrendous relationship with my AXBF and my family of origin issues as an ACOA, I am learning how to be gentle with myself and love myself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
