KathySmith

I used to drink every day. 3-4 beers or a bottle of wine, sometimes more, sometimes less, but something everyday.

Wednesday Aug. 14th I had a glass of wine with dinner, while out with a friend. That was the last drink I have had. There was no binge event, no blackout, no raging hangover. Thur. morning I simply looked at myself in the mirror and knew I need to change, needed to get healthy.

I did not drink Thur. the 15th, and joined here the morning of the 16th.

Yesterday was a trying day for sure. A ski club friend had died of a stroke, and several of us were going to her funeral. There was a planned BBQ after and I had anxious feelings about the whole thing as nearly everyone drinks.

I should just interject here that I am significantly changing eating habits as well, something I have always failed to do for any length of time. I made a healthy meal and brought it along with me as well as chilled flavored water.

I made it though the whole day without any difficulty whatsoever.

I haven't really been sleeping well, but not awful either. I woke up this morning and was reading online about nutrient deficiencies and alcoholism. I do not have any of the withdrawal symptoms I have heard about. I am not having cravings, and my 1st social event without drinking wasn't very hard at all.

I am not fooled into thinking all is A-OK. I worry about when I'm not feeling strong, when I am very stressed or upset.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only experience I have had with self control and will is dieting, which I have never been able to master.

I never consumed huge volumes of alcohol, I have stopped drinking several times in the past for varying reasons without issue. Drinking for me was everyday, and that's not good. Am I treating the wastepaper basket fire like a 3 alarm blaze? Absolutely. I want to do this, and don't want to justify my way out of it. I know where I was headed and I don't want to go there.

Is it possible to stop the elevator on the way down, reverse, and go up? Must everyone hit bottom in order to get better?

Feeling oddly defeated today, self sabotage? Maybe. But I want to be healthy and absolutely cannot while drinking.

thanks for reading
Kath

IOAA2

Welcome Kath. You seem to have a good understanding where Alcohol leads. Quantity is not measured in strict amounts, more how it affects the individual during and after using it. We alcoholics have many of the same characteristics like being angry or compulsive, lonely, insecure and on and on which we drank for relief. Working on our causes brings long term relief from drinking. Many don’t want the work or are scared of the results and find excuses to avoid the personal cleansing process, which is not a quick like pill cure.

wakko

You are a genius for getting off the elevator on its way down and yes it is possible but not common. To be on the safe side you may wish to see a professional. They can help you to sort out your life and strengthen your recovery.

Congratulations on your decision to not drink before it was too late.

KathySmith

Not genius, just trying better myself. I have never had success with weight loss in the past. But in the past I have only cut back on drinking while trying to lose weight, never eliminated it.

Thank you for the encouragement, I was a bit worried folks would tell me I don't have a problem and go away. Not that I want a label, I just want to live without drinking, there is nothing good it offers me.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Kathy,

It appears that you may be fighting with your AV (addictive voice) and also what you perfectly referred to as self sabotage because it's been a few days and you would like to have a drink? Only you, in being honest with yourself, can come to that conclusion. That AV is a pesky little bugger because it disguises its message as having come from you and that it's rational thinking. It usually appears when the urge to drink is either near or coming soon down the pike.

Here's actually a good way to look at it. In picking the pieces out of your post that are your voice, devoid of the AV here they are:

Finally, I'm going to pull in a quote from your very first post on the board:

So now that we've removed that snarky little AV person what are your thoughts on this? Has something changed between that first line of your first post and now that would lead you to believe that you're not in denial? Most importantly did this help you at all to pull that AV out of hiding so that you can confront it directly?

We are all here for you and this is exactly why this board is here. Hey, you might not have a problem. The only person who can answer that question is you. We're all here for you! YOU CAN DO THIS!

pinkdog

Hi Kathy, well done on quitting. Rockbottom does not have to be the very worse case scenario. It can be the looking in the mirror and deciding enough is enough. It is hard to change a daily habit. You are doing it. It is very possible to quit. I would say to myself "right now, I am not drinking". To me, the most important thing is to remember why you quit. Take it as it comes. The time adds up. Sobriety gets easier. You are doing great dear.

sugarbear1

Lots of people have stayed stopped who have high bottoms!

Just keep moving forward!!!

freshstart57

Things can get worse with alcohol right up until the moment you die. That is a bottom on the low side I would say.

'She has to hit rock bottom' is a load of hooey. To tell you to your face that you are incapable of taking stock of your life and making changes is a gross insult to your self awareness and intelligence. If you choose not to make changes in yourself, that is another matter completely, and completely up to you. But I disagree with the notion that it is impossible. For anyone.

You seem to already have an understanding of your addiction that was helpful to me, and that is the assignment of any thought of ever drinking again to your conditioned behaviour to drink alcohol, to the voice of your addiction, or AV. If you can look at your thoughts or urges to drink, along with doubt in your ability to succeed, as coming from your addiction thinking, you are already a long way toward a permanent secure sobriety.

You most certainly have within you the ability to recognize what you need to do, and to do it, dammit! No matter what. You never ever need to feel the guilt and shame and anxiety and disappointment and depression and anguish that goes along with drinking. Not a single time more.

I believe in you, KathySmith, and I hope you keep posting here. There is a lot of support for you. You can do this.

Onward!

Eleni58

I did not hit "rock bottom" per se nor did I have any severe withdrawal symptoms when I quit. And I have not had one urge or craving since I quit 24 days ago. I am kind of waiting for the "other shoe to drop" too. I asked this very question in AA last week--"Because I have not had any urges or cravings, does this mean I never will have an urge?" Every member said that I will and it will come out of the blue--perhaps a stressful situation may trigger the voice, perhaps not. But they said the urge will leave as fast as it came. I am hoping they are wrong, but I plan to be realistic about the possibility and will be prepared.

cascademn

Hi Kathy,
You are most welcome here and I also am not a fan of the "Where's my bottom?" mindset. From what you are saying, it sounds like you've got a lot of anxiety right now. That is one good reason to not drink. Also, it is more than enough motivation to want a simpler, more peaceful, more content life. As we know, alcohol complicates everything and robs us of all peace eventually. I like the fact that you are reaching out, connecting to a recovery community and sharing your story. I had to develop and work a plan in order to stay sober. It includes weekly sessions with a therapist and the support I get from SR. Perhaps, you could come up with a plan of your own to get you through this? Glad you are here and I'm pulling for you! hugs

Cas

Lightning Bug

Good advice here. I am concerned about something else, though. Your username seems to be your name These threads pop up in search engines. If you want to change it to something anonymous I think all you have to do is PM a mod.

Glad you are here, welcome!

KathySmith

Oh my gosh, you guys don't even know me and you're so nice and supportive. I'm kind of blown away here.

Thank you everyone, and yes Cas, you hit the nail on the head, I am terribly nervous/anxious. I used to get panic attacks years ago, and am feeling a bit of that today. Not sure why, maybe a combo of so much, like what do I do when I am home alone? How do I find new friends and where? How can I find the courage to stay the course? Will I be able to love myself enough to see this through and make these changes permanent?

It's embarrassing, scary, lonely, sad, emotional blah blah

Today I am realizing a big part of why I drink and why I am overweight is because I really don't like myself and I do not know how to change that.

KathySmith

No worries Earthsteps, this is not my name (first or last). I chose an extremely common name which I have never used anywhere in my life.

I am well aware of forum safety, I was the target of an online con artist some years ago from a forum. Thank you for the concern though, many people do not realize just how easy it is to collect data and target people.

SavingSelf

Two quotes ( that I will mess up a bit so I apologize in advance) about "bottoms".

The elevator will always go down--you can get off at whatever floor you want to.

Bottom is when we stop digging and start climbing.

Welcome!