Is he capable of a relationship?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Is he capable of a relationship?
I met a man online about a month ago. We talked everyday, more than once, keeping in touch throughout the day, and then talking through the evening when I wasn't working, but constant contact. We also had a four hour conversation, and we really connected.
He drove down four hours to meet me today, and we had an amazing date. This man is everything I am looking for. Great career, Funny, Kind, intelligent, attentive, basically, everything I am looking for.
He told me his a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking in March but has had a couple of slips. I asked someone who knew him about his drinking ( only because I'm concerned, not being nosy, my ex husband and father of my children is an alcoholic) and she told me that during the past two months he went basically a three week bender during which he drank before work, drank before driving, and drank everyday straight. He doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday. She said it is very hard to tell sometimes. She also said he has slowed down, and has only drank about three times in the past three weeks. She also told me the reason he only has his son every second weekend is because of his drinking and his wifes concerns. He had told me he is going for 50/50 custody, but this woman shared with me that his lawyer had told him he will need more sober time, and that he is in denial about that, he says his drinking wasn't that bad ( I think he is probably right)....she also told me he cheated on his wife with an alcoholic and drank a lot with her during their three month relationship in which he was completely in love with her and looked after her to the detriment of himself. He also dated another woman briefly for a couple of months, but that ended as he wasn't interested in her romantically, but they still talk everyday as friends ( he has assured me he will let her know that will have to end)..he took down his online dating profile before he met me in person as well. He separated in January, so he has only been single for about 6 weeks since then ( not commited to anyone though, I would be the first if this works out, he knows how I feel about that)
I truly believe him in that he is recovering and has had a minor couple of slips...6 months would be enough time to get handle on things? and a partner I understand in early recovery isn't good, but relapses are common aren't they, and he has reassured me that his self labeling of an alcoholic was only because he thought he should go to AA after an event, but that he has never hit what most people call rock bottom..as in he has his career and so on.
6 months should be long enough? I am asking for advice because
aside from that, he is wonderful ( and keep in mind he hasn't shared these things with me yet, but I know she was being sincere.) And also, could someone have self declared themselves and alcoholic to appease someone but not have a genuine problem?
this is my first post, I am looking forward to any advice.
He drove down four hours to meet me today, and we had an amazing date. This man is everything I am looking for. Great career, Funny, Kind, intelligent, attentive, basically, everything I am looking for.
He told me his a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking in March but has had a couple of slips. I asked someone who knew him about his drinking ( only because I'm concerned, not being nosy, my ex husband and father of my children is an alcoholic) and she told me that during the past two months he went basically a three week bender during which he drank before work, drank before driving, and drank everyday straight. He doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday. She said it is very hard to tell sometimes. She also said he has slowed down, and has only drank about three times in the past three weeks. She also told me the reason he only has his son every second weekend is because of his drinking and his wifes concerns. He had told me he is going for 50/50 custody, but this woman shared with me that his lawyer had told him he will need more sober time, and that he is in denial about that, he says his drinking wasn't that bad ( I think he is probably right)....she also told me he cheated on his wife with an alcoholic and drank a lot with her during their three month relationship in which he was completely in love with her and looked after her to the detriment of himself. He also dated another woman briefly for a couple of months, but that ended as he wasn't interested in her romantically, but they still talk everyday as friends ( he has assured me he will let her know that will have to end)..he took down his online dating profile before he met me in person as well. He separated in January, so he has only been single for about 6 weeks since then ( not commited to anyone though, I would be the first if this works out, he knows how I feel about that)
I truly believe him in that he is recovering and has had a minor couple of slips...6 months would be enough time to get handle on things? and a partner I understand in early recovery isn't good, but relapses are common aren't they, and he has reassured me that his self labeling of an alcoholic was only because he thought he should go to AA after an event, but that he has never hit what most people call rock bottom..as in he has his career and so on.
6 months should be long enough? I am asking for advice because
aside from that, he is wonderful ( and keep in mind he hasn't shared these things with me yet, but I know she was being sincere.) And also, could someone have self declared themselves and alcoholic to appease someone but not have a genuine problem?
this is my first post, I am looking forward to any advice.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Bottoms are about pain, not about losing things. Unfortunately, it is also this pain that is likely the greatest motivator for achieving sobriety. I wouldn't touch this one unless there is at least one year of continuous sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Welcome to SR happy!!
There will be others along soon to share their thoughts too..
It's just my opinion of course, but there are so many red flags here that I would be running for the hills!!
A three week bender and drinking three times in the last 3 weeks is NOT someone in recovery! He clearly did not "quit drinking" in March, did he...
His ex is concerned about him being with his child... Hmmmm... His lawyer thinks he needs more sober time to even think about 50/50 custody, yet he continues to drink 3 times in the last three weeks "or so" but it's hard to tell?. Hmmmm...
He has cheated on his wife and had another relationship and now you, and he has only been separated since January and not yet divorced ... Hmmmm
Pause for a moment sweetie and read what you wrote as if someone else was writing it and then tell me what you think... Objectively!!
If one of your best girlfriends came to you with this scenario, what would you advise?!
Keep reading and posting hun!! There are a lot of people with great insight on these boards!!
Take care of YOU!! Be objective and don't look through the rosy colored first blush of loves eyes...you'll find the truth, more will be revealed!!
There will be others along soon to share their thoughts too..
It's just my opinion of course, but there are so many red flags here that I would be running for the hills!!
A three week bender and drinking three times in the last 3 weeks is NOT someone in recovery! He clearly did not "quit drinking" in March, did he...
His ex is concerned about him being with his child... Hmmmm... His lawyer thinks he needs more sober time to even think about 50/50 custody, yet he continues to drink 3 times in the last three weeks "or so" but it's hard to tell?. Hmmmm...
He has cheated on his wife and had another relationship and now you, and he has only been separated since January and not yet divorced ... Hmmmm
Pause for a moment sweetie and read what you wrote as if someone else was writing it and then tell me what you think... Objectively!!
If one of your best girlfriends came to you with this scenario, what would you advise?!
Keep reading and posting hun!! There are a lot of people with great insight on these boards!!
Take care of YOU!! Be objective and don't look through the rosy colored first blush of loves eyes...you'll find the truth, more will be revealed!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, this guy is in NO way relationship material at the moment. As Kat says, sometimes people who eventually fully recover have slips, but so too do those who never manage to put together more than a couple of months sober.
I'd stay FAR away from this one unless/until he has at LEAST a year of SOLID sobriety--no slips, no oopsies. Otherwise, trust me, you are in for a lot of pain and disappointment. I have been married to two alcoholics--one who has stayed sober, and the other who went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I'm almost five years sober, myself.
This guy currently is a poor risk.
I'd stay FAR away from this one unless/until he has at LEAST a year of SOLID sobriety--no slips, no oopsies. Otherwise, trust me, you are in for a lot of pain and disappointment. I have been married to two alcoholics--one who has stayed sober, and the other who went back to drinking after almost dying of it. I'm almost five years sober, myself.
This guy currently is a poor risk.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
...and don't forget that you have children too that would be affected by all this.... And their father is an alcoholic... That's pretty scary right there for them!!
Be very careful... It scares me that all that time you spent talking to him that you had to reach out to someone else that knows him to hear those details.
I think he is in clear denial about his drinking problem and is of course on his best behavior in the "getting to know you" phase.
And I do not think that 6 months (even if totally sober) and not yet divorced is enough time at all...
Eyes wide open my dear!!
Be very careful... It scares me that all that time you spent talking to him that you had to reach out to someone else that knows him to hear those details.
I think he is in clear denial about his drinking problem and is of course on his best behavior in the "getting to know you" phase.
And I do not think that 6 months (even if totally sober) and not yet divorced is enough time at all...
Eyes wide open my dear!!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 5
It is not possible that he is serious about recovery? like I said, he hasn't shared any of this with me yet, but I was impressed that he had shared the fact he had a drinking problem. He said he has gone to AA.
I'm not trying to sound stupid, but doesn't everyone have to start somehwere's? Are the women a problem as well? is that typical of alcoholics? or is that just normal dating until you meet the one that works.
I'm not trying to sound stupid, but doesn't everyone have to start somehwere's? Are the women a problem as well? is that typical of alcoholics? or is that just normal dating until you meet the one that works.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Actions and not words are what will determine if he is serious about his recovery. You do not know this man yet at all and he is telling you just the bare minimum of what you have already come to know.
You already asked someone else about him because clearly on some level you had your concerns. Listen to your gut and not what you "want" to hear.
And yes, at this stage of the game the other women would be a concern for me at this early stage. Is he even divorced yet???
You already asked someone else about him because clearly on some level you had your concerns. Listen to your gut and not what you "want" to hear.
And yes, at this stage of the game the other women would be a concern for me at this early stage. Is he even divorced yet???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 85
I don't think dating while you are married and while you are in early recovery are good signs, he does not seem to make good choices. Yes of course some people have good recovery but he is not displaying good signs of that here. Recovery for an alcoholic is about more than staying away from drink, he hasn't seemed to even get that far yet. So far you know that he has cheated, driven while drunk, struggled for custody of his children and attempted sobriety but relapsed three times in early recovery, does that sound like someone you would want your daughter or best friend to date? So why do you want that for you? Sorry if that sounds harsh.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by happyheather 
I met a man online about a month ago. We talked everyday, more than once, keeping in touch throughout the day, and then talking through the evening when I wasn't working, but constant contact. We also had a four hour conversation, and we really connected.
He drove down four hours to meet me today, and we had an amazing date. This man is everything I am looking for. Great career, Funny, Kind, intelligent, attentive, basically, everything I am looking for.
He doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday. She said it is very hard to tell sometimes. She also said he has slowed down, and has only drank about three times in the past three weeks.
I truly believe him in that he is recovering and has had a minor couple of slips...6 months would be enough time to get handle on things?
He drove down four hours to meet me today, and we had an amazing date. This man is everything I am looking for. Great career, Funny, Kind, intelligent, attentive, basically, everything I am looking for.
He doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday. She said it is very hard to tell sometimes. She also said he has slowed down, and has only drank about three times in the past three weeks.
I truly believe him in that he is recovering and has had a minor couple of slips...6 months would be enough time to get handle on things?
I don't think it matters so much that your guy "doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday." Sure, it sounds good on the surface, but he still has that serious need to drink daily. To me, that is a major red flag and seems like a slippery slope.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, Heather.
The answer is no. No, he is not capable of relationship.
You will not want to believe it. And when you hear that answer to your question, you will probably prefer to dismiss it or bargain with it (but he.....but we......but I know he could......but we had the most amazing......but you weren't there.....).
It is hard to witness the precipice you are at great risk of falling over. You are in love with someone you do not really know, and you are feeling the intoxication of early courtship, and you are building an illusion in your mind about who is this person who lives four hours away and who is a drunk with legal problems but has a charming and lovable demeanor.
He is in active addiction and he has likely been so for many years. He is looking for a diversion from his problems--and he has a lot of them--and he is manipulating you by presenting to you a false self. That is what alcoholics do when they look for women: they pretend to be other than what they are and they use the women as distractions so they do not have to face the terrible reality of their complete loss of control over alcohol.
Complete loss of control means that not only can he not control how much he drinks, but he cannot control when and where. It also means that when he is not totally drunk, he is craving and he is obsessed with and controlled by alcohol.
He has told a thousand lies and he's added plenty more to that stack in the hours he has spent together with you.
He has a secret life. He is unreliable and he blames his problems on everyone and everything but alcohol.
He is concerned about looking good in the world--the alcoholic ego--and if he thinks you will make him look good, you'll see more of him.
He will start to forget to call you. He will not show up sometimes when he said he would and he will say he fell asleep.
If you have a problem with him having just one drink--he will say "I can handle just one"-- his face will tighten and a dark energy will fill the room. You will start to be afraid of him but you won't admit it to yourself.
When you share a vulnerability about yourself, he will use it against you later when you call him on his drinking and he will tell you that you are the one who is messed up and you need some serious help.
When he shares a vulnerability about himself, he is using that to manipulate you.
And if you can hold back from marrying before the next six months are finished, you will see the truth.
The risk is that you will marry him fast, because he thrills you, he needs you, and you can't imagine finding anyone like him ever again.
It's just that "anyone like him" is an image you have carried in your heart for a long time. And being an alcoholic, he is cunning enough to make his false persona fit that image.
I'm sorry. You might block my posts from now on. But it's a syndrome. And it has patterns. And you are solidly in it.
So please use birth control and try to avoid a quick marriage (women often marry alcoholics fast to prove they love him even though no one else does).
I'm sorry. But he is going to hurt you.
The answer is no. No, he is not capable of relationship.
You will not want to believe it. And when you hear that answer to your question, you will probably prefer to dismiss it or bargain with it (but he.....but we......but I know he could......but we had the most amazing......but you weren't there.....).
It is hard to witness the precipice you are at great risk of falling over. You are in love with someone you do not really know, and you are feeling the intoxication of early courtship, and you are building an illusion in your mind about who is this person who lives four hours away and who is a drunk with legal problems but has a charming and lovable demeanor.
He is in active addiction and he has likely been so for many years. He is looking for a diversion from his problems--and he has a lot of them--and he is manipulating you by presenting to you a false self. That is what alcoholics do when they look for women: they pretend to be other than what they are and they use the women as distractions so they do not have to face the terrible reality of their complete loss of control over alcohol.
Complete loss of control means that not only can he not control how much he drinks, but he cannot control when and where. It also means that when he is not totally drunk, he is craving and he is obsessed with and controlled by alcohol.
He has told a thousand lies and he's added plenty more to that stack in the hours he has spent together with you.
He has a secret life. He is unreliable and he blames his problems on everyone and everything but alcohol.
He is concerned about looking good in the world--the alcoholic ego--and if he thinks you will make him look good, you'll see more of him.
He will start to forget to call you. He will not show up sometimes when he said he would and he will say he fell asleep.
If you have a problem with him having just one drink--he will say "I can handle just one"-- his face will tighten and a dark energy will fill the room. You will start to be afraid of him but you won't admit it to yourself.
When you share a vulnerability about yourself, he will use it against you later when you call him on his drinking and he will tell you that you are the one who is messed up and you need some serious help.
When he shares a vulnerability about himself, he is using that to manipulate you.
And if you can hold back from marrying before the next six months are finished, you will see the truth.
The risk is that you will marry him fast, because he thrills you, he needs you, and you can't imagine finding anyone like him ever again.
It's just that "anyone like him" is an image you have carried in your heart for a long time. And being an alcoholic, he is cunning enough to make his false persona fit that image.
I'm sorry. You might block my posts from now on. But it's a syndrome. And it has patterns. And you are solidly in it.
So please use birth control and try to avoid a quick marriage (women often marry alcoholics fast to prove they love him even though no one else does).
I'm sorry. But he is going to hurt you.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I can't put it as eloquently as English Garden did but I can tell you she told my story. 20+ years and traumatized children and a few death threats later, my Prince Charming is my worst nightmare - and I've been divorced from him for over three years.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
my ex husband and father of my children is an alcoholic
Your ex husband was an alcoholic, and you are considering bringing another one into
your children's lives?
Please go to AlAnon, get some help for yourself before you sentence yourself and your
children to years more of emotional torment with another alcoholic.
I'm not trying to sound stupid, but doesn't everyone have to start somewhere's? Are the women a problem as well? is that typical of alcoholics? or is that just normal dating until you meet the one that works.
3 week bender? NO. 3 times per week? NO.
Not falling down drunk? This is the scariest part, to me that means he has
never stopped and his alcohol level is at a very high level.
The last night I drank, my BAC was .27.
I was not falling down drunk, as a matter of fact, I was standing around talking to the
MP's who had brought me down to the hospital after a fight with my husband.
They did not know what to do, because I was not acting like someone who had that
high level of alcohol in their blood.
Why is he dating at all if he is still married and struggling for custody of his children?
Why is he drinking at all if the custody of his children is at stake?
Yes, the other women are a problem, he still has one on the side that he has not told
he needs to end it.
And also, could someone have self declared themselves and alcoholic to appease someone but not have a genuine problem?
I am gonna say no, unless it is an alcoholic who is trying to manipulate someone.
"Yeah, I said I was an alcoholic, but it was because of BS BS BS BS BS BS ad infinitum."
You have choices you can make, your children have no choice.
So far, nothing but big red flags.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Alcoholics look for their open doors, their opportunities, to keep drinking. When they see one door closing (their current marriage for instance) and the possibility that something is getting in the way of the relationship they have With.Their.DOC (their bottle), they will look for an escape hatch. The escape hatch is not to escape their DOC (their bottle), but in fact, to get away from whatever hurdle is in their way to continue relating well (in their eyes) with their bottle.
My darling dear acquaintance, real recovery looks like real recovery and not all this squiggly mess this guy has right now. There are cases, many here, where the alcoholic isn't even drinking a drop at all for a period of time but s/he never works any kind of recovery for themselves and they continue making their loved ones miserable.
There are many guys out there worthy of dating that don't have this issue. I promise.
My darling dear acquaintance, real recovery looks like real recovery and not all this squiggly mess this guy has right now. There are cases, many here, where the alcoholic isn't even drinking a drop at all for a period of time but s/he never works any kind of recovery for themselves and they continue making their loved ones miserable.
There are many guys out there worthy of dating that don't have this issue. I promise.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Want to add that his mentoin if rock bottom and what sounds like your belief is inaccurate.
An akcoholic does not have to hit rock bottom. In fact there are plenty that never do.
So in him saying he just hasnt hit rock bottom yet is humorous since 1. He could have no bottom and things just get bad to worse and still drink and 2 even if he has a bottombut gasnt reached it yet....trust me when I say you dont want to be around for ut uf he does. Frankly its painful to witness alcoholism
An akcoholic does not have to hit rock bottom. In fact there are plenty that never do.
So in him saying he just hasnt hit rock bottom yet is humorous since 1. He could have no bottom and things just get bad to worse and still drink and 2 even if he has a bottombut gasnt reached it yet....trust me when I say you dont want to be around for ut uf he does. Frankly its painful to witness alcoholism
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Leave him on the dating site.
6 Months with slips along the way is not sobriety. He,s had no time to get a handle on anything.
6 Months with slips along the way is not sobriety. He,s had no time to get a handle on anything.
Originally Posted by happyheather
I met a man online about a month ago. We talked everyday, more than once, keeping in touch throughout the day, and then talking through the evening when I wasn't working, but constant contact. We also had a four hour conversation, and we really connected.
He drove down four hours to meet me today, and we had an amazing date. This man is everything I am looking for. Great career, Funny, Kind, intelligent, attentive, basically, everything I am looking for.
He told me his a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking in March but has had a couple of slips. I asked someone who knew him about his drinking ( only because I'm concerned, not being nosy, my ex husband and father of my children is an alcoholic) and she told me that during the past two months he went basically a three week bender during which he drank before work, drank before driving, and drank everyday straight. He doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday. She said it is very hard to tell sometimes. She also said he has slowed down, and has only drank about three times in the past three weeks. She also told me the reason he only has his son every second weekend is because of his drinking and his wifes concerns. He had told me he is going for 50/50 custody, but this woman shared with me that his lawyer had told him he will need more sober time, and that he is in denial about that, he says his drinking wasn't that bad ( I think he is probably right)....she also told me he cheated on his wife with an alcoholic and drank a lot with her during their three month relationship in which he was completely in love with her and looked after her to the detriment of himself. He also dated another woman briefly for a couple of months, but that ended as he wasn't interested in her romantically, but they still talk everyday as friends ( he has assured me he will let her know that will have to end)..he took down his online dating profile before he met me in person as well. He separated in January, so he has only been single for about 6 weeks since then ( not commited to anyone though, I would be the first if this works out, he knows how I feel about that)
I truly believe him in that he is recovering and has had a minor couple of slips...6 months would be enough time to get handle on things? and a partner I understand in early recovery isn't good, but relapses are common aren't they, and he has reassured me that his self labeling of an alcoholic was only because he thought he should go to AA after an event, but that he has never hit what most people call rock bottom..as in he has his career and so on.
6 months should be long enough? I am asking for advice because
aside from that, he is wonderful ( and keep in mind he hasn't shared these things with me yet, but I know she was being sincere.) And also, could someone have self declared themselves and alcoholic to appease someone but not have a genuine problem?
this is my first post, I am looking forward to any advice.
He drove down four hours to meet me today, and we had an amazing date. This man is everything I am looking for. Great career, Funny, Kind, intelligent, attentive, basically, everything I am looking for.
He told me his a recovering alcoholic who stopped drinking in March but has had a couple of slips. I asked someone who knew him about his drinking ( only because I'm concerned, not being nosy, my ex husband and father of my children is an alcoholic) and she told me that during the past two months he went basically a three week bender during which he drank before work, drank before driving, and drank everyday straight. He doesn't get falling down drunk, just drinks everyday. She said it is very hard to tell sometimes. She also said he has slowed down, and has only drank about three times in the past three weeks. She also told me the reason he only has his son every second weekend is because of his drinking and his wifes concerns. He had told me he is going for 50/50 custody, but this woman shared with me that his lawyer had told him he will need more sober time, and that he is in denial about that, he says his drinking wasn't that bad ( I think he is probably right)....she also told me he cheated on his wife with an alcoholic and drank a lot with her during their three month relationship in which he was completely in love with her and looked after her to the detriment of himself. He also dated another woman briefly for a couple of months, but that ended as he wasn't interested in her romantically, but they still talk everyday as friends ( he has assured me he will let her know that will have to end)..he took down his online dating profile before he met me in person as well. He separated in January, so he has only been single for about 6 weeks since then ( not commited to anyone though, I would be the first if this works out, he knows how I feel about that)
I truly believe him in that he is recovering and has had a minor couple of slips...6 months would be enough time to get handle on things? and a partner I understand in early recovery isn't good, but relapses are common aren't they, and he has reassured me that his self labeling of an alcoholic was only because he thought he should go to AA after an event, but that he has never hit what most people call rock bottom..as in he has his career and so on.
6 months should be long enough? I am asking for advice because
aside from that, he is wonderful ( and keep in mind he hasn't shared these things with me yet, but I know she was being sincere.) And also, could someone have self declared themselves and alcoholic to appease someone but not have a genuine problem?
this is my first post, I am looking forward to any advice.
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