mich0020

My boyfriend n i have been together a little over 4 yrs now. We r both 22 yrs old. The first 3 yrs were amazing. We were planning our wedding trying to buy a house talking about children everything. We were that "perfect couple" n everyone use to tell me how cute we were together. Iv never felt the way I do for him ever in my life for anything or anyone. I cant picture myself without him. My family and friends loved him. Life was great. I wont lie we both smoke weed n sometimes we would do some acid or shrooms on the weekend for a good time. But about a year and a half ago he started a new job and started hanging out with some new people. He started ditching me staying out late at night, do thing he hever did before. Put a password on his phone started getting defensive when id ask him about it all things that I thought ment he was cheating on me with another girl. Then money started coming up missing then he lost his job n told me he was denied unemploment. Then one day I got a call from our landlord asking if we were almost out. When I asked why he said he had served my boyfriend with a eviction notice due to nonpayment and he never told me. I felt like my life was being ripped away from me. I got to jobs while he was still not working and got us a new home. Money still coming up missing then objects in the home. I didnt understand but of coarse he had n excuse for everything n bc I loved n trusted him I always believed him no questions asked. Then one day he took my jeep in the middle of the night and cleaned my bank account. I still thought he was cheating but jus didnt want to admit it to myself. I loved him so much he was my world. The next time I got paid he did it again, he had a warrent for a missed court date, he new he did wrong so before I noticed what he had done, while I was at work he went n turned himself in. He called me from jail n told me what he did and that he was addicted to herion. I had no idea. Everyone I new and trusted had known about this n had been lien to me covering for him . Iv never felt so hurt n betrayed in my life. When he got out he told me he was done and of coarse I believed him once again, but that wasnt the truth. More of our stuff was pawned n more money was taken. Our bills were suffering n were going to loose our home again. Thats when I found out he had been getting unemploment this whole time n spending it on herion. Then on the day before christmas eve of 2012 I walked into our bathroom to him shooting up. At that point I was lost. My family n friends hated him at this point n wanted nothing to do with me bc I refuse to give up on him and leave him. They didnt understand. He went to rehab after that. He now says hes clean but im having a hard time forgiving and forgetting n so r other people. Everyone keeps telling me "he wont change" or "theres no way hes clean". People r calling him mean names I hate it that they treat him like this. They don't see him everyday I no hes better in my gut. He acts better and looks better, helps me around the house now but he cant keep a job now n wont get stop talking to that crowd of people. Everyone just keeps telling me to leave him but I cant bring myself to, I love him n wont give up on him. Idk how to be there for him I guess in the right way. How do I help us get back to the old us?!?!

jerect

Hi and welcome to SR..

The first thing you need to do is take the US out of the equation and put the focus on YOU.. Your BF is an addict and he has already shown you what addicts do, lie, steal, lose their jobs, use their girlfriends for money and a place to stay and yes cheat If it means they will get their drugs that way..

You said you guys used to smoke weed, shrooms and drop acid just for a good time.. Do you really want to go back to that? You are only 22 years old and have such a full life ahead of you.. Please please please don't waste any more of it on this guy.. There are many more men out there who are clean and sober and will not steal, lie or cheat on you... You deserve better..

Please get some help for yourself.. You can't help him, he has to help himself, he has to want to be clean and he has to want a sober life and right now it doesn't seem like he wants that...

Please keep posting here and seek out an alanon meeting to get the support that you need..

Kat60

Addicts are great actors sweetie. The simple fact that he is still hanging with the same crowd tells me he is probably still involved and using...if not now, he will again soon. What has he done for himself to ensure recovery???

You cannot "love" him in to recovery. In fact you can't do anything to really help him... He has to want to do it himself and he has to do what it takes to recover. Doesn't sound like he is even remotely close to it yet..

No one can tell you to stay or go. The best advise I have for you is to stick around here and read ALOT! You will learn tons!! I would also check out some NA meetings in your area where there are people that have gone through what you are going through and can help you navigate this.

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

You have to protect yourself.

cleaninLI

I really don't know why you are complaining about your abf. You knew what he was like when you met him. You have stayed in this relationship for 4 years. You said you smoked weed with him as well as doing shrooms and acid. He SHOWED you who he is.

So you used illegal drugs together with him? Are you a recovering addict also?

If you are trying to get your life together and quit using these drugs and you feel your bf is holding you back then you need to say goodbye to him. It really is that simple.

cleaninLI

Mich, sorry if I offended you perhaps I misunderstood. I thought that I read that you used illegal substances together. I was just saying that you knew he was into drugs during the course of your relationship. Addiction is a progressive disease. A person opens that door of becoming an addict by their use of drugs. Perhaps you were lucky that your own use did not open that door. Apparently, your boyfriend was not so lucky. If you think a person can use drugs recreationally and not risk opening that door than you are misinformed. IMHO you really have only one option if your boyfriend refuses to get help for his addiction and that is to walk away. Complaining about all the awful things your boyfriend has done to you and remaining in the relationship serves no purpose. Nothing changes if nothing changes. That is all I meant by my post.

mich0020

Read the full story.

cleaninLI

Ok, I read it. Are you saying he is in recovery or actively using? Maybe I just don't understand, but I don't mean to be rude. If you want to ignore me you can. I just wanted you to understand that IF he doesn't want to do something to help himself recover from addiction then you only have 1 option and that is to walk away. If he is trying to get help for himself then that is a good thing. You said that you want things to be the way they used to be before his addiction, right? IMO it will never be exactly the same. Your relationship has been changed because of everything both of you have gone through. Ask yourself this question. Do you think you could actually forgive and forget all of these horrible things he did to you?

Sunshine2

Mich, unfortunately there is no "right way to be there" for an addict. You cannot force him to get clean. The way your life has been going is how it will continue, only worse and worse. You have to decide if that is the life you want for yourself.

We cannot be responsible for an addict. We cannot love them better. We cannot find "just the right words" to get through to them. Heroin is a tough addiction to beat. Whilst he is continuing with the drugs, all you really can do, is to start looking after and protecting yourself.

I know this may not be what you want to hear. Unfortunately, unless you are prepared to lose yourself in his addiction as well, your need to focus on what is best for you.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry that you are dealing with addiction in a loved one. It's really tough to watch them destroy their lives, finances and relationships. Your pain is very raw right now....but there are a lot of people here on SR who have many years of dealing with addiction. Try to keep an open mind as they share their experience, strength, and hope with you.

I'm afraid the answer to your question is....you can't. Once addiction enters the picture, the picture changes......and we can't go back to what it was before. That's the bad news part.....the good news? A new different relationship based on recovery is possible but unfortunately his recovery belongs to him and is not within your control.

I hope that he is truly recovering and focusing on getting his life turned around. We are very big on self care around here. One of the important factors in the addict's recovery is that we stop enabling, coddling, or allowing them to get away with unacceptable behavior. We do this by establishing boundaries and taking care of ourselves.....first. This may sound counterintuitive but much of what needs to be done when dealing with an addict is.

Believe me.....if love alone could cure addiction.....none of us would be here. We love the addicts in our lives every bit as much as you do.

Welcome to SR.....take what you need and store the rest. You may need it later even though it doesn't feel helpful now.

gentle hugs
ke

pravchaw

Kindeyes said it. With addictions things change. When my son got addicted when he was in university and dropped out, a big part of my healing is giving up the dreams I had off him as a successful engineer. He is now working as a part time laborer in a warehouse while still struggling with addiction. I now have a different dream and more realistic dream - just for him to have a happy normal addiction free life.

pravchaw

The thing with addiction is that some people are affected differently. Both my sons got were smoking pot in their teens, one got addicted - the other one shook it off and is now doing well in university. So looks like in your case your bf (like my older son) was the unfortunate one.