Need Advice on Living Situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 327
Need Advice on Living Situation
I am in my 40's and my 18 year old daughter moved back in with me in March, 2013. At the time, my boyfriend whom I have been dating for a year now had been living with me for several months. My daughter is and always has been jealous of anyone getting close to me. She is an only child and she has always been very possessive of me. I am constantly being pulled between the 2 of them. I try to be there for my daughter 1st because she needs me now. She is pregnant, unmarried and has no job. She got pregnant on purpose even though I told her to stay on the pill and that I couldn't afford to take care of her and another child so that is already a sore spot for us. The other problem is that she can be so disrespectful to me. She never helps out around the house unless I ask her to and even then she gripes about it. Her attitude is that she shouldn't have to clean the kitchen if she washes her dishes only. Yet she eats the food that we prepare and still doesn't want to wash pots and pans. She also doesn't think she should have to contribute monetarily at all. I make very little money...certainly not enough to support her and a baby. The worst part is that when she gets angry or gets her feelings hurt...she lashes out at me. For example, yesterday she asked me to write a check to her University to pay for a bus pass. I wrote the check out and placed it outside of her bedroom door. Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I were in our room and began to become intimate..(always quietly and respectfully). She got the check and saw that it wasn't written out correctly and proceeded to bang on my bedroom door and send me text msgs saying she needed to see me immediately. I told her I would be with her in a bit and she continued to text me saying things like..."you cant take 2 minutes to help me with something...I guess I'm not important enough to you..." (She has done this many times...knocking on the door when she knows I am with my boyfriend) Needless to say, I was no longer "in the mood" and took a bath instead. When I got out, I went to talk to my daughter and we began to argue. She said that I shouldn't have written the check out b/c she had previously text me (she texts me WAY too much) that I should "See her first to get proper instructions on how to write the check".
We continued to argue and I told her she needed to try harder to get a job so she can pay for things herself. She said "I'm not trying to get a job...f--k your sorry a-- check and the time you spend with your child boyfriend..." and she said "Im way more important that you right now..." I told her I wasn't speaking to her again until she apologized and she said "I'm not saying sorry for anything so don't hold your breath".
When she acts like that...my first instinct is to tell her to move out IMMEDIATELY. But, I stayed in my room and just went to sleep. I thought this morning that I would come on this site and try to get some ideas of how to handle this. She has no family here to stay with. She would have to move to New York or North Carolina and apply for aid all over again. She gets Medicaid because she is pregnant and unemployed. What a mess. I have 30 days sober today and instead of focusing on my recovery and celebrating that...I am just stressed out. Any ideas would be appreciated.
We continued to argue and I told her she needed to try harder to get a job so she can pay for things herself. She said "I'm not trying to get a job...f--k your sorry a-- check and the time you spend with your child boyfriend..." and she said "Im way more important that you right now..." I told her I wasn't speaking to her again until she apologized and she said "I'm not saying sorry for anything so don't hold your breath". When she acts like that...my first instinct is to tell her to move out IMMEDIATELY. But, I stayed in my room and just went to sleep. I thought this morning that I would come on this site and try to get some ideas of how to handle this. She has no family here to stay with. She would have to move to New York or North Carolina and apply for aid all over again. She gets Medicaid because she is pregnant and unemployed. What a mess. I have 30 days sober today and instead of focusing on my recovery and celebrating that...I am just stressed out. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Congrats on 30 days sober. That had to have been tough with all that is going on.
All for all that other stuff with your daughter, I have no advice. But as long as you let her stay at your home, with no rules of conduct for her to adhere to, the chaos will continue, the stress will continue, and your sobriety will be at risk.
All for all that other stuff with your daughter, I have no advice. But as long as you let her stay at your home, with no rules of conduct for her to adhere to, the chaos will continue, the stress will continue, and your sobriety will be at risk.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 544
First and foremost, Congratulations on 30 days of sobriety! 
Good for YOU!
When it comes to sobriety, keep the "plan" childishly simple. Meaning, put all of your energy into staying cleaning and sober today, and today only. You MUST get through this day!
As for your daughter, when it comes to discussions and your decision making, I would error on the side of being her Mother, not her "friend." Otherwise , you're asking for a whole lot of trouble.
Good luck and God Bless
Good for YOU!
When it comes to sobriety, keep the "plan" childishly simple. Meaning, put all of your energy into staying cleaning and sober today, and today only. You MUST get through this day!
As for your daughter, when it comes to discussions and your decision making, I would error on the side of being her Mother, not her "friend." Otherwise , you're asking for a whole lot of trouble.
Good luck and God Bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
tate,
First off, good for you on 30 days sober..... I would make that your top priority. You have a lot going on in your home. I've been remarried for nine years, but had young adult children when I was dating my husband. Looking back, I'm so glad we each kept our private residences, it just made things less messy. Your daughter is at a rough age, they are technically adults....but still children....add to that pregnant hormones....and you've got a hot mess!
As a mother, I'm concerned about this unborn child. Is your daughter getting good prenatal care? Is the father involved? There are many services available for young pregnant women....maybe look into them? Have you heard about the WIC program.....providing food to pregnant women and young children? If money is tight, I'm thinking some of these services might ease some household tension.
Sobriety and this unborn child ...these are the most important things right now.
Tate, Just reread some of your earlier posts and learned your boyfriend is an alcoholic. Living with an active alcoholic in early sobriety isn't easy.
First off, good for you on 30 days sober..... I would make that your top priority. You have a lot going on in your home. I've been remarried for nine years, but had young adult children when I was dating my husband. Looking back, I'm so glad we each kept our private residences, it just made things less messy. Your daughter is at a rough age, they are technically adults....but still children....add to that pregnant hormones....and you've got a hot mess!
As a mother, I'm concerned about this unborn child. Is your daughter getting good prenatal care? Is the father involved? There are many services available for young pregnant women....maybe look into them? Have you heard about the WIC program.....providing food to pregnant women and young children? If money is tight, I'm thinking some of these services might ease some household tension.
Sobriety and this unborn child ...these are the most important things right now.
Tate, Just reread some of your earlier posts and learned your boyfriend is an alcoholic. Living with an active alcoholic in early sobriety isn't easy.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on your sobriety and keep it at the forefront, it will make any issues much easier to deal with. I'd agree with Carl too, if you haven't set any ground rules she will probably continue in her ways. You asked for Advice, so I'd say set some concrete rules, and if she doesn't adhere set specific consequences. That could include moving out. You might want to also add some goals outside the home too for her... Like applying for jobs, etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 327
Thanks everyone. I will try to come up with some more specific rules and consequences to address this. She is receiving pre-natal care and has applied for WIC. thanks so much for your responses.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Tate, 30 days sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I'm not a mean person at all, but if I had a wife who was pregnant, let alone a daughter who was, I would throw her out until she figured out what she was doing wrong. Rootin for ya. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Good for you on your sober time!
If you warned your daughter what would happen if she became pregnant, and she went ahead and became pregnant on purpose, maybe helping her out so much at this time is not the way to go. Make a change in your lives and make her take responsibility for herself and her decisions.
If you warned your daughter what would happen if she became pregnant, and she went ahead and became pregnant on purpose, maybe helping her out so much at this time is not the way to go. Make a change in your lives and make her take responsibility for herself and her decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 807
Congrats on 30 days, that is awesome.
As for your daughter how was your relationship prior to her moving in? Did she live with you while she was growing up? It is very hard to set boundaries at 18 if they were not set earlier. Is guilt fueling your enabling her behavior? My first thought was that she needs a slap upside the head :-) She sounds very immature and I worry how she is going to parent a child when she cannot take care of herself. I would sit her down and make a contract. You must apply for so many jobs a day. Have a chore chart like you would a smaller child. I personally would not pay for anything other than those things necessary to keep her and the baby healthy. I do not mean to be harsh, I sympathize with you. It has to be so difficult to maintain sobriety through this but I think some tough love is necessary. Good luck to you and keep posting!
As for your daughter how was your relationship prior to her moving in? Did she live with you while she was growing up? It is very hard to set boundaries at 18 if they were not set earlier. Is guilt fueling your enabling her behavior? My first thought was that she needs a slap upside the head :-) She sounds very immature and I worry how she is going to parent a child when she cannot take care of herself. I would sit her down and make a contract. You must apply for so many jobs a day. Have a chore chart like you would a smaller child. I personally would not pay for anything other than those things necessary to keep her and the baby healthy. I do not mean to be harsh, I sympathize with you. It has to be so difficult to maintain sobriety through this but I think some tough love is necessary. Good luck to you and keep posting!
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi tate9685
First, congratulations on the 30 days, that is fantastic!
Your sobriety has to be what comes first, above all else.
I'm going to be brutally honest here having raised a daughter on my own. I would have taken the check and ripped it up and told her that when she could show some appreciation for what I do I'd write another one.
They'll act as you allow them to act.
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
First, congratulations on the 30 days, that is fantastic!
Your sobriety has to be what comes first, above all else.
I'm going to be brutally honest here having raised a daughter on my own. I would have taken the check and ripped it up and told her that when she could show some appreciation for what I do I'd write another one.
They'll act as you allow them to act.
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I agree with Ladyblue.
Your daughter will continue to behave badly and disrespectfully for as long as you allow her to. She is living under your roof and should live by your rules,show you respect at least as it's your house, even if not as a mother. If she doesn't like it then tell her to find elsewhere to live. I'm sure she will soon change her attitude if you stand up to her. I would also have ripped the cheque up and told her to find her own money and not be so ungrateful
Your daughter will continue to behave badly and disrespectfully for as long as you allow her to. She is living under your roof and should live by your rules,show you respect at least as it's your house, even if not as a mother. If she doesn't like it then tell her to find elsewhere to live. I'm sure she will soon change her attitude if you stand up to her. I would also have ripped the cheque up and told her to find her own money and not be so ungrateful
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: kent,uk
Posts: 4
well done on getting to 30 days, i hope you have added to that. look after yourself 1st, you cannot help anyone before yourself.
Theres only 2 things that control us all, POSITIVE & NEGATIVE, with each, anything and everything is possible! stay positive and come out on top.
Theres only 2 things that control us all, POSITIVE & NEGATIVE, with each, anything and everything is possible! stay positive and come out on top.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Congrats on the 30 days! That is wonderful! Be proud!
On the daughter...wow, she does not deserve to live there. That being said, those states have aid for pregnant mothers. Believe me. And without a job they would get her processed quite quickly.
I would say you are going to have to lay out some ground rules. She is treating you horribly and needs to realize that if she wants to live there she has rules to abide by. I suggest writing them out and having her sign a contract. If she does not want to do so, help her pack.
I see lots of people on here taking abuse from their children. It is up to you to let them know there are consequences for that behavior or it will just continue.
Good Luck and Many Hugs!
On the daughter...wow, she does not deserve to live there. That being said, those states have aid for pregnant mothers. Believe me. And without a job they would get her processed quite quickly.
I would say you are going to have to lay out some ground rules. She is treating you horribly and needs to realize that if she wants to live there she has rules to abide by. I suggest writing them out and having her sign a contract. If she does not want to do so, help her pack.
I see lots of people on here taking abuse from their children. It is up to you to let them know there are consequences for that behavior or it will just continue.
Good Luck and Many Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Bardo
Posts: 246
I agree with Anna and Scott, and others who are all saying pretty much the same thing.
It's not your job (nor is it helpful in the long run, for anyone involved) to acquiesce to anyone's "soap opera". That may be the hardest life lesson for me personally: to identify the soap opera (mine, as well as others' ) if that's what's going on - and then to refuse to be a player. Because the ongoing soap opera is part of my drinking pattern.
Life is full of challenges - and joys and hardships and heartbreaks - but it doesn't have to be a soap opera. We make the soap opera. One soap opera script is to act out the "victim" (or victimize myself) in order to get others to keep "rescuing" me - and maybe throwing a tantrum if they don't. (Not my particular version, but one that I'm intimately familiar with.) Note: There certainly are real victims of bad stuff in life - that's why I say that you have to identify whether that's the case, or there's a soap opera going on. Only you can judge, but it sounds as if you've made that identification.
Be well.
It's not your job (nor is it helpful in the long run, for anyone involved) to acquiesce to anyone's "soap opera". That may be the hardest life lesson for me personally: to identify the soap opera (mine, as well as others' ) if that's what's going on - and then to refuse to be a player. Because the ongoing soap opera is part of my drinking pattern.
Life is full of challenges - and joys and hardships and heartbreaks - but it doesn't have to be a soap opera. We make the soap opera. One soap opera script is to act out the "victim" (or victimize myself) in order to get others to keep "rescuing" me - and maybe throwing a tantrum if they don't. (Not my particular version, but one that I'm intimately familiar with.) Note: There certainly are real victims of bad stuff in life - that's why I say that you have to identify whether that's the case, or there's a soap opera going on. Only you can judge, but it sounds as if you've made that identification.
Be well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
that sense of entitlement is way too common these days....
sit that girl down and outline the expectations of the household you provide. Make it clear to her that if she's going to live there, she's going to be respectful, follow the house rules, and contribute. Make it clear what the expected contribution is.
The treatment you have outlined is unacceptable and the best service you can do her as a parent is to make that damn clear. If she refuses to learn it from you, then she will find that the world will teach it to her in much harsher ways. As painful as that may be for you to watch happen - you're only doing her disservice if you accept and enable that childish nonsense.
Also - congrats on your sobriety.
sit that girl down and outline the expectations of the household you provide. Make it clear to her that if she's going to live there, she's going to be respectful, follow the house rules, and contribute. Make it clear what the expected contribution is.
The treatment you have outlined is unacceptable and the best service you can do her as a parent is to make that damn clear. If she refuses to learn it from you, then she will find that the world will teach it to her in much harsher ways. As painful as that may be for you to watch happen - you're only doing her disservice if you accept and enable that childish nonsense.
Also - congrats on your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Belle Vernon, PA
Posts: 15
This will go on for YEARS if you don't have her move out. Help her find housing , most likely section 8, and help her line up all the assistance she's going to require. A little time in the real world where people don't tolerate this crap should change her tune. You are entering the prime of your life and should be allowed to enjoy it. I may seem harsh but this comes from tolerating this behavior for SIX YEARS, six years which I can't get back. Hope this is of some help to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I am saying this as a mom, she needs to go. She's making poor choices and treating you like dirt in the process. She is screaming for your attention but the problem is, she's not a 3 year old temper tantrum any more. She is bringing a child into this world and she needs to grow up and unfortunately because of her poor choices, she only has a few months to do it. I guess my question to you is, how does keeping in her in your home with you paying the bills and taking her abuse prepare her to be a mother? It doesn't.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
