Feel alone in an alcoholic family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1
Feel alone in an alcoholic family
Hello...I am new to this so please bear with me!
The majority of my family are alcoholics or cannot handle their drink and I have witnessed this most of my life causing me to have anxiety. My brother passed away 4 years ago as he could not live without alcohol after he had quit (I am guessing this was made worse living with my sister who is an alcoholic woth 7 children), he ended up commiting suicide when I was 16. This then led to my mum passing away 2 months later, a part of me died when my mum did as she was the only person who didn't depend on the drink and obviously she was my mother!
I was then told to get out of my family home so my sisters could sell it asap so I was left living with my sister (7 kids). It was awful, he husband hit her...she tried killing him, my nieces and nephews were doing drugs around the house...
To cut a long story short, the only person keeping my sanity was my partner whom I have been with now for 6 years. We both have our own home now and I have cut ties with the sisters as they are always abusive, selfish and drunk. My life is so much better now and calmer but I always feel that yearning to have that normal family life... I am expecting my first child and I'm finding it hard to cope with having no-one have advice from or to talk about it with. My partners family are lovely and very supportive but I don't feel it's the same... this ultimately something I would have loved to share with my mum. My sister called me one night after I sent her the picture of my first scan, she was off her face of course and just made my special moment feel...well no special at all... when I told her what the sonographer said about the baby she slurred ' haa they say that to everyone love...trust me...' after this I havent really spoken to her.
Am I right to ignore their calls? Has anyone else cut off their family like this? I feel bad sometimes but I know I have to do this for my own health and also the health of my baby when he/she arrives. I just wish they would see what they are doing to everyone around them and stop.
The majority of my family are alcoholics or cannot handle their drink and I have witnessed this most of my life causing me to have anxiety. My brother passed away 4 years ago as he could not live without alcohol after he had quit (I am guessing this was made worse living with my sister who is an alcoholic woth 7 children), he ended up commiting suicide when I was 16. This then led to my mum passing away 2 months later, a part of me died when my mum did as she was the only person who didn't depend on the drink and obviously she was my mother!
I was then told to get out of my family home so my sisters could sell it asap so I was left living with my sister (7 kids). It was awful, he husband hit her...she tried killing him, my nieces and nephews were doing drugs around the house...
To cut a long story short, the only person keeping my sanity was my partner whom I have been with now for 6 years. We both have our own home now and I have cut ties with the sisters as they are always abusive, selfish and drunk. My life is so much better now and calmer but I always feel that yearning to have that normal family life... I am expecting my first child and I'm finding it hard to cope with having no-one have advice from or to talk about it with. My partners family are lovely and very supportive but I don't feel it's the same... this ultimately something I would have loved to share with my mum. My sister called me one night after I sent her the picture of my first scan, she was off her face of course and just made my special moment feel...well no special at all... when I told her what the sonographer said about the baby she slurred ' haa they say that to everyone love...trust me...' after this I havent really spoken to her.
Am I right to ignore their calls? Has anyone else cut off their family like this? I feel bad sometimes but I know I have to do this for my own health and also the health of my baby when he/she arrives. I just wish they would see what they are doing to everyone around them and stop.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
Welcome lavender, I'm sorry you have been through so much. I grew up in an alcoholic household too, but have not had to deal with the other things you have had to.
You ask if its ok to ignore your family members and it absolutely is. You do not have to have anyone in your life that brings negativity to you. You do not have to accept behaviour from family that you would not accept from non-family just because you share some DNA. You are right, it is for you own health and your baby's heath, you have to put yourself first, because no one else can do that for you, just like unfortunately no one can get your family members to see the damage they cause and change unless they want to for themselves. Its hard, but you seem to know its the best thing.
Have you ever tried an AlAnon meeting? They can be a fantastic source of support because everyone there understands how hard living with alcoholics can be and will be totally non-judgemental towards you. It might be a good source of support for you in addition to your partner's family, although of course no one can ever make up for not having your Mum there.
((((hugs))))
You ask if its ok to ignore your family members and it absolutely is. You do not have to have anyone in your life that brings negativity to you. You do not have to accept behaviour from family that you would not accept from non-family just because you share some DNA. You are right, it is for you own health and your baby's heath, you have to put yourself first, because no one else can do that for you, just like unfortunately no one can get your family members to see the damage they cause and change unless they want to for themselves. Its hard, but you seem to know its the best thing.
Have you ever tried an AlAnon meeting? They can be a fantastic source of support because everyone there understands how hard living with alcoholics can be and will be totally non-judgemental towards you. It might be a good source of support for you in addition to your partner's family, although of course no one can ever make up for not having your Mum there.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Lavendar20, I am so sorry that your family is so addicted and abusive.
You are making good choices to cut contact with them. There is no reason why anyone has to have toxic people in their lives. I had to do the same thing with my family of origin many years ago.
Now you are starting a new life, and bringing a new life into the world. Now is the time to seek out, make, and deepen new friendships and relationships. From my experience, "family" doesn't have to be people who are blood relatives. You can choose a new family based on health and love.
There is always a level of longing for what we wish we had had, what we can't have in our original family. Those feelings are normal because the truth is that you have suffered a great loss. So feel them when they come, then let them pass. You don't have to linger there, but you don't have to ignore how you feel either.
Many more people will be along today to share their experience. Take care,
ShootingStar1
You are making good choices to cut contact with them. There is no reason why anyone has to have toxic people in their lives. I had to do the same thing with my family of origin many years ago.
Now you are starting a new life, and bringing a new life into the world. Now is the time to seek out, make, and deepen new friendships and relationships. From my experience, "family" doesn't have to be people who are blood relatives. You can choose a new family based on health and love.
There is always a level of longing for what we wish we had had, what we can't have in our original family. Those feelings are normal because the truth is that you have suffered a great loss. So feel them when they come, then let them pass. You don't have to linger there, but you don't have to ignore how you feel either.
Many more people will be along today to share their experience. Take care,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
I agree so much with ShootingStar1. You are in the process of building a new family unit with your partner and expected little one. It is normal to mourn for a 'normal' family life but from you have said, it would be a very toxic one, and you deserve better. I do understand that the maternal hormones mean you want to reach out .....but is it worth the risk of getting hurt again and again.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
I am sorry you are going through this, but I think you are making the right choices.
I wished I had a normal family. I also wish I wasn't an alcoholic. I wished I did not get divorced. I have grieved the loss of all these normal things.
I am now focusing on being the person responsible for breaking the cycle, so my kids can say they came from a "normal" family (however nutty that still may be).
I wished I had a normal family. I also wish I wasn't an alcoholic. I wished I did not get divorced. I have grieved the loss of all these normal things.
I am now focusing on being the person responsible for breaking the cycle, so my kids can say they came from a "normal" family (however nutty that still may be).
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello lavender20, and Welcome to SR!!!
I am so very sorry for all you have had to endure in your life. None of us, sadly, can change the past for you, but you can build a bright and happy future for yourself. You can make different choices than those of your family.
Cutting off all contact with one's original family is something many of us have had to do. As well as posting here, you may find it helpful to read through and post in our forum for adults who grew up in an alcoholic home:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You are definitely in the right place for support and sharing!
And.....Congratulations on the coming birth of your first child!!!! What a wonderful thing when new life comes into this world
Please stick around! Welcome, again!
I am so very sorry for all you have had to endure in your life. None of us, sadly, can change the past for you, but you can build a bright and happy future for yourself. You can make different choices than those of your family.
Cutting off all contact with one's original family is something many of us have had to do. As well as posting here, you may find it helpful to read through and post in our forum for adults who grew up in an alcoholic home:
Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You are definitely in the right place for support and sharing!
And.....Congratulations on the coming birth of your first child!!!! What a wonderful thing when new life comes into this world
Please stick around! Welcome, again!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: toronto ontario
Posts: 185
I have cut abusive family members out of my life and it was worth it in the end. I know the feeling of being pregnant and wanting to share with family but they just werent interested. Yes that hurt a lot. I figured out that just because some people are related to you doesnt guarantee they are good people who are interested in you and your life. Friends can be so much better than people you are stuck with because of birth. I know I cant make you stop fretting about this but if you can find your way to keep the doom and gloomers and negative influences out of your life you will probably feel a lot better. It worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
If you don't cut ties and pretend as though family was normal, which is certainly what my pregnant mind led me to - you find down the road that the truth emerges for your children, like it or not. They find out, too, who is there for them and their mom/dad, and who is a liar/fake/drunk, whatever.
Give your precious baby people in your life that you trust and can rely on. If that's just you and a couple of other folks - that's a great start!
I always had a baby group with other moms, and the right group can also act like family.
Surround yourself and your baby with kindness and love.
And look to today.
Give your precious baby people in your life that you trust and can rely on. If that's just you and a couple of other folks - that's a great start!
I always had a baby group with other moms, and the right group can also act like family.
Surround yourself and your baby with kindness and love.
And look to today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 55
My father (who was also an alcoholic) cut off all of his family to focus on a healthy lifestyle and mindset. My Mom and I are forever thankful he did that. He had a wonderful few sober years with him before he passed away from cancer and I was so pleased his family wasn't part of his life.
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