Alcoholic wife with suicidal thoughts

Old 08-16-2013, 12:25 AM
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Alcoholic wife with suicidal thoughts

It was suggested in chat I post here to get more specific help about my situation. Just joined Soberrecovery.com tonight after an incident with the wife. I'm feeling desperate, hopeless, upset and deeply hurt. I don't have anyone to talk to, my parents do not really understand. The relationships we did have with other family members who I may have been able to talk to have been cut off and her drinking was the major reason for those being severed. So here I am, browsing online for any help I can get. No other family and no friends to turn to.

Brief history, we both were binge drinkers in the past but after all the arguments and the trouble it caused, I decided to try and avoid drinking. She initially agreed and even admitted she had a problem. Well last year i lost my job and we both binged heavily that day. Long story short, she was so upset about my job loss, 2 of our pets just passed away, plus the heavy drinking (vodka) contributed to her not thinking straight that she attempted suicide by taking an entire bottle of my sleeping pills. She was taken by ambulance to emergency. I picked her up the next day. We have been to couples therapy and tried to avoid heavy drinking ever since. But she still binges now and then. I have tried to avoid alcohol in our house as much as possible. But she has her own private stash that she hides from me.

Anyway before this turns into too long of a first post, let me get on with the incident. So cut to tonight, she has her office door closed which is unusual since we didn't have a fight or anything. I knock and immediately she yells that she can't even have any privacy. I have a sneaking suspicion that she's been drinking. And we have sort of loose house rule to not drink during the week. I ask if I can come in and I can immediately smell the alcohol. She's upset that she can't be left alone and have any privacy and denies drinking when I confront her. But I tell her that its obvious and that I can even smell it, plus she was acting drunk. She immediately goes into a tirade, changing the subject to another incident which she often does to avoid talking about her drinking. I'm not even pushing the issue and asking her to please calm down and that I can't talk to her when she's just yelling at me and drunk. I tell her we'll talk later when she sobers up. This must have triggered something plus the fact that she just got caught lying to me about not drinking. She keeps yelling and locks the door yelling "**** you!" as I leave. So later, I check up on her. She's passed out as usual which happens when she binges. So I go away and then I hear her finally get out of her room and go to pass out on the bed. I want to see what she was drinking so I go into her office and I see an opened bottle of pills. Its a mix of old pills, anti-depressants, other pills i didn't recognize. And then I see a hand written letter and it turns out to be a suicide note. She has written that she doesn't want me to have anything. That all her possessions go to her mother and father. I go and wake her up and confront her but she is still really drunk. She finally denies taking any pills and then starts yelling at me again, calling me names, saying I'm like living with Hitler, that I won't give her any privacy, that i don't let her do anything and that she hates me. I'm getting upset now and asking her to please stop yelling at me and angrily yell back at her that "yes, I don't let you become a drunk!" I walk away knowing its the best thing to do at this point. Arguing with her when she's drunk just turns into a yelling match and gets uglier and sometimes violent.

She just turns into a different person completely when she drinks. A friend of hers said its like Jekyll and Hyde. She is the sweetest, most loving and kind wife when she is sober but then she turns into a monster when she drinks. I'm really at my wits end again. I know I am powerless to stop her from drinking. We don't have the money to go back to couples therapy and we don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes. I feel like I need to separate from her. But we pretty much have only each other, we're very much codependents, maybe I am even more so than her. I can't imagine ever divorcing. I had imagined we would spend the rest of our lives together, live out our dreams together, grow old together. I still love her very much but I don't know if she loves me as much anymore. She will say she does tomorrow and maybe even apologize for getting drunk and yelling at me. But to consider suicide? What does that say about our relationship, that she's willing to leave me like that. And then the alcohol, she knows the damage it has caused us in the past. I just feel she really doesn't care any more about us or our future. All she wants to do is escape reality. I'm so tired and frustrated. I thought she could change and for awhile she was not drinking at all. I had a lot of hope but now its like starting all over again. It sounds like a thousand other stories I've read online and watched on shows like Intervention. I realize I need to take some serious actions but I don't know how to go about it. Sorry for the long post, i wanted to go back and make it shorter but I feel like i needed to get it all out there. There is a lot more of course but I can answer any questions if necessary. Thank you very much for reading through all this.
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Old 08-16-2013, 02:08 AM
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Mcbuzz, so sorry that you and your wife are going thru all this. I agree, this is nothing to mess around with, since there have been multiple suicide attempts. I'm pretty new myself but here's what I can offer you:

For yourself, I would strongly recommend Alanon. Here's a link to find a meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ . SR is a wonderful place, but there are limitations to an online forum and some in-person help can be very important too. Please consider this sooner rather than later, as it can be a great source of support and education for you.

I'm not totally clear from your post--you mention you used to be a binge drinker, then mention drinking heavily in response to a life situation. Are you an alcoholic, or do you think you might have some kind of problems in that area? It seems like you might want to address that also (and we have folks here who are "double winners", recovering alcoholics who are also the family/friends of alcoholics. A lot of wisdom and insight from them).

There is a ton of very helpful information at the top of this page in the stickied threads. Reading thru that gradually will likely be very helpful also. Here's one you might want to check out right away: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Like you and your wife, my RAH and I were quite codependent (altho I would never have believed it until just recently), and our world got smaller and smaller as the disease progressed. Reaching out may seem impossible, but it's really important that you do it.

I'm ill equipped to offer you advice about your wife other than to say that an alcoholic will not get sober until he/she is ready. You can't do it for her, you can't make her want it. That has to come from her. It's obviously a huge concern that she's suicidal. You say she has taken "pills"--what are these pills that she has on hand? If she's taking some kind of antidepressant, the alcohol may be contributing to the problem that the meds are supposed to be helping, since alcohol itself is a depressant.

As I said, I'm fairly new, so I don't have nearly the depth of experience, strength and hope to share that many others here do, and I'm sure they will be along soon to offer help. In the meantime, just know you're not alone--you have a huge community to call on, both here in SR and in Alanon (and possibly AA, if that turns out to fit you). Please do read as much as you can here and as you learn more, the path will start to look clearer to you.

Wishing you peace and clarity.
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Old 08-16-2013, 04:24 AM
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Honeypig has given you excellent advice. Couple's therapy is a waste of time right now. The primary problem is her alcoholism, and everything else--the depression, the hostility, the suicidal gestures--will continue, and will get worse, until and unless she chooses to recover.

If she threatens or attempts suicide again, call 911. Let the professionals deal with her.

Meantime, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get to Al-Anon. It saved my life when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. The people in Al-Anon WERE my family during that sad and scary time.

Welcome, glad you're here.
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Old 08-16-2013, 05:56 AM
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Well I will try and attend one of the Al-Anon newcomer meetings. Thank you so much for the link, i found one local to my area. I didn't know these existed for family members of alcoholics. Thanks again for all quick responses. I feel like I'm running out of time and I need to do something soon. This might be what I'm looking for.
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Old 08-16-2013, 08:47 AM
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Hi Mcbuzz,

Holy Cr-p! You are dealing with a lot right now. I wish there were a quick fix for you but unfortunately there isn't. All I can say is please try to take care of YOU first and foremost. It would also be the healthiest thing you could do for your AW.

I also agree with Lexie about calling 911 if your AW takes any pills again. It might force her into detox, rehab, and psychiatric care which is what she needs.

My AXBF threatened suicide, and I lost my sister to suicide (she was not an alcoholic). So I know that horrible helpless feeling you must be experiencing. It's devastating to watch someone you love in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.

You need a lot of support right now. You need people to listen to you, and keep encouraging you to work on your own recovery from codependence.

HUGS
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Old 08-16-2013, 10:57 AM
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Thank you. Yes, I realize there is no quick fix. She has threatened suicide before, ended up in the emergency room but it seems that whole incident was glossed over. Right now she has turned last nights incident into an issue of her privacy. I did not even press on her drinking issue but she reacts with extreme anger that I give her no privacy which is not true at all. She is upset because i went into her room and found the open bottle of pills (which i took away) and read her suicide note, saying that was an invasion of her privacy. Its just so infuriating that she would twist this around on me, avoiding the fact that she's hiding alcohol in her office and that I caught her lying about drinking last night. I've been trying really hard to study and set up interviews for a new job. Actually came home yesterday from an interview and then I have to deal with her. So sick of it.
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Old 08-16-2013, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity View Post

My AXBF threatened suicide, and I lost my sister to suicide (she was not an alcoholic). So I know that horrible helpless feeling you must be experiencing. It's devastating to watch someone you love in so much pain and not be able to do anything about it.
Hi McBuzz,
I am so sorry for the chaos you are living in.

Before I finally ended it with my ABF, I asked him, "If something happened to me, would you just drink yourself to death?" He answered YES. I was horrified and hung on for a while more thinking I was saving him.

Then I realized he was drinking himself to death, regardless. And I had a front row seat. I finally told him I loved him too much to watch, and let him go.

I hope things turn out ok for you and your wife. I second the others - please get all the help you can for YOU, and let the professionals take care of HER.
SQ
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:14 PM
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Hello mcbuzz and welcome. You have found a great bunch of people here who truly care and who can give you a better perspective of what's going on. They have helped me tremendously over the years.
I understand how the threat of suicide affects you. It's such a helpless feeling! Definately call 911 if she threatens it again. I worried about the same thing many times with my XABF. It is excruciating to know our loved ones have fallen "that" low....

I am about 6 weeks out of an 8 year toxic relationship. It took me a long time to realize that I couldn't change or fix my XABF, no matter how much I love him, begged or pleaded. Sure wish we could love them sober, but....... they have to WANT it for themselves, not becasue someone wants it for them. That was hard for me to swallow becasue I am co-dependent AND a fixer. I thought for sure if I got him the right help that everything would be all better. He didn't WANT help and he would say whatever he knew I wanted to hear in order to stay in his happy home.
He used to hide and drink too. I had to hide MY prescription from him or he would steal them. It was an awful rollercoaster ride for years.

Here, I found relief and found that there were other people who have gone through the exact same thing. So much good advice can be found from many in this group. Glad you are here. Taking care of yourself right now is very important
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Old 08-16-2013, 02:04 PM
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Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you been through the whole ordeal but made it out ok? I keep reading about how people have made it through a difficult relationship and it seems most of the stories end with leaving the toxic relationship.

I understand how much healthier you can be but it saddens me that a lot of couples seem like they don't have these success stories with the relationships still intact. I'm feeling less and less hopeful about my future together with my wife who i still very much love. I would very much like to survive this together but as many mentioned she has to want it for herself and i'm not sure she does. The more i read the stories here and other forums i'm feeling a sense of doom about our relationship.
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Old 08-16-2013, 02:28 PM
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She just turns into a different person completely when she drinks.
This typical of active alcoholics. If you suspect suicide or she refers to it in any way, get on the phone immediately and call 911. There is nothing you can say or do that is going to affect her drinking. What alcohol does is loosen our inhibitions; drunks are irrational people so don't fool around with this. It's serious. My heart goes out to you, I'll say a prayer. God bless.
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