mav

Hi everyone. I've been reading the forum anonymously for a while now and finally plucked up the courage to register.

I've been abusing alcohol for around 15 years. I'm now in my early thirties. The early years were fairly normal... uni, drinking out with mates, and it just slowly but surely grew more and more. I've never been a binge drinker, more of a habitual drinker. I could count on one hand the number of days in the last 4 years that I haven't had a drink. But it's never "been a problem" - I'm very highly educated, have a great job, a lovely house and a beautiful wife. I guess I'm a functional alcoholic.

I've known I'm an alcoholic for about the past 2 years and have done everything to block that from my mind. I keep setting my quit dates - at the end of the Summer, when you finish that project, etc. etc. The problem is, they just keep going further and further ahead.

I've been trying to moderate for about the last 6 months. It works for a day or so, until I get to the "allowed" drink - that "one" glass of wine. That one invariably turns in to a bottle or more and I'm back where I started.

I hate the fog. The lack of sleep. I've never done anything truly awful but plenty of stupid things which will be with me for the rest of my life.

I managed to abstain on Monday of this week. That was fairly OK. Tuesday was much, much harder, but I stayed dry. Last night was OK. Have had the night sweats and have been quite irritable. Major restless leg syndrome.

I got home from work today and after fighting the cravings for about an hour, poured a glass of wine. I then sat in front of it for about 15 minutes, just looking at it. Got emotional. Somehow I managed to throw it down the sink, didn't even have a drop. I can't imagine having ever done something like that. I'm OCD when it comes to drinks - an open bottle of wine is an unfinished bottle of wine which won't keep.

It was that action that prompted me to come and write about it here. I've seen such great support and advice from the kind people here. A lot of the tips I've seen are - "when you want to drink, come to SR." So that's what I did. It's been so comforting to read about other people who are in a very similar position to me. There are so many types of drunks but all with one horrible thing in common.

Thanks to these forums, I've been reading up on AVRT. I can really connect to it and it feels right for me. My own addicted voice is my biggest problem (always giving me dumb reasons why I'm allowed to drink) and so can really relate to what AVRT is saying.

So it's been 4 days (not that I'm counting). Tomorrow and the weekend is going to be very hard though. I couldn't possibly imagine when (if?) I've ever had a sober weekend since I was about 19. That thought alone is scary enough to make me want to do it this time.

Fingers crossed.

All the best to everyone else facing this, whatever stage you're at.

-MAV

thewill

Inspiring post. You sound like me. You cant be a functional alcoholic with a non finctioning liver.

JumpnOn2

Hello MAV!! Welcome to SR officially. Avrt helps me and I seem to get better using it with experience. I guess, as I did, you saw some of you in some of us. It's not really all that bad...could be worse . You've made the first step in the right direction(maybe the biggest) so keep heading forward. Hope to see you around here some more!!!

keen2bclean

Mav ... You did well to throw the wine and good on you for the four days

smadams11

well done you. i cant imagine going 4 days-thats a mountain i still need to climb, so you're doing better than some others. i wish you luck, and during the weekend(my hardest days too)just think of what you have achieved so far-4 days is a long time! are you feeling any benefits at all yet?
x

neferkamichael

MAV, 4 days sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. Counting is the cornerstone of my sobriety. Rootin for ya.

JumpnOn2

Try to make some plans to occupy your time and brain that steer you away from alcohol. Yea, easier said than done but with time this gets easier too. If all else fails.... visit SR!!! If you have a smart phone and signal ,well, you have SR at your finger tips.

kiter

Good for you- I did pour out the remnants of a drink after being so disgusted in myself yesterday, went to my first AA meeting last night, but yet somehow decided it was ok to drink today because I am on vacation, and I'll "totally quit later, no problem". I feel worse than ever.
Way to go on Day 5, hope I will join you soon.

mav

Thanks everyone for the words and props. Have got through dinner until now. Sat here sweating and fidgeting and I've got a terrible headache. My arms are pulsating and my fingers are throbbing through withdrawal. Maybe typing will deal with that for a bit.

Last weekend was really heavy. I was heavily on it all Saturday, and woke up on Sunday with a terrible hangover. The only cure was to drink again. Two bottles of red wine disappeared. I woke up on Monday and the whole of my midrift was throbbing and aching. That was really scary.

It's hard to say. I'm having major withdrawal. I recognise the symptoms because it's similar to when I quit smoking*. It feels like your body is waking up again after being numbed for so long. It's really weird. It's like I can feel the massive bags under my eyes from all the lack of sleep and hangovers are slowly lifting. I can feel the blood flowing through my veins. But I've woken up 3 days this week with a clear head. That itself is a revelation and feels good!

But KEEP on it! The best thing about waking up on Tuesday morning was being able to think to myself "I didn't drink last night." On Wednesday it was even better. Two days in a row! Little steps and little wins.

Thanks. I'm sure I will count to begin with. However I really like the part of AVRT that says "there is no recovery". It's like saying "On Sunday, I was a drinker. On Monday, I'm wasn't." The time element of sobriety is always "now". So I'm sober now and I will be sober from now onwards!

That makes it sound really easy when we all know it isn't. I'm really working on objectifying those voices in my head so that when the beast/gremlins speak to me I can recognise it. Right now they're saying to me "well done for doing 3 days. Well done for signing up on SR. You deserve a reward! How good would a drink be right now! Go on - spoil yourself." So right now, I'm just doing everything I can to block them. Part of that is writing it down and it's helping. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and say to myself "You've done 4 days!!"

* Quitting smoking was really hard. But this is harder. I don't know if this is frowned upon but I've found in the last few days that some of the things I did to stop smoking are really helping. One of those is an e-cigarette. My body is craving stuff to replace the alcohol - I've been eating LOADS this week, and the little hit of nicotine from the e-cig (without all the extra junk that goes in regular cigs) is helping.

Tough times ahead no doubt. Hope everyone can hang in there!

mav

I really know that feeling. My head is telling me right now "you've proven you can do it. You can do it anytime! So do it next week and have a drink now."

I'm on holiday this weekend. 2 days away in a hotel with my wife, relaxing by the pool and so on. It's going to be a real test.

smadams11

i know what you mean with your thoughts, there is ALWAYS an excuse for me to carry on drinking.
try not to think of giving something up, instead think of everything you will be gaining back. thats what im doing. my life wasnt amazing but i had the people i loved, and little things to keep me happy.
im walking away from alcohol, back into my lovely life
x

mav

I love this. This is what it's about. Good luck for the weekend

Hevyn

Hi MAV. I'm glad you didn't have to be brought to your knees to make this change. Unfortunately, I kept playing with it until it almost took my soul. You'll never have the regret that many of us carry - and I'm happy you're taking action.

mav

I guess we all have our reasons. I have my own regrets. Maybe I've been "lucky" so far, but I can never undo some of the hurt I've caused.

Dee74

Welcome Mav

D

JumpnOn2

"Never undo"...true. That's why we need to keep moving forward and try to learn from our mistakes. Not easy either. Dang, everything seems not easy!!!