ImperfectlyMe

Ok so I'm 4 &1/2 months in. On the upswing of a down period I think I was dealing with some paws and sobriety growing pains. But I'm much stronger now in my resolve.

My question to the long term sober soldiers is... When does sobriety become less of my daily focus. Early days my focus was dont drink, midway it was fight cravings at this point I'm cleaning up the emotional baggage. But when or do you ever get to a point that you just don't have to give it so much of your day. Sobriety has been my full time job, I'm wondering if ever it won't be so for front. Not that I will drink or think I'm not an alcoholic, I know I will always be an alcoholic. Just want to know if ever you come to a mental homeostasis where it just is what is.... And start a life where that's your past.

FeelingGreat

hi...great question. I suppose everyone is different, but for me, about 9 months. The cravings can still pop up unexpectedly though and I still need my toolkit.

Amajorityofone

The answer to your question unfortunately for me is, never. I never, ever, allow myself to think that I've "got this." Instead, I starve the beast inside of me each and every day of my life. Even after almost a year, some days are very difficult and I have no idea when those days are going to be. This is why I always commit to this day, and this day alone, when I wake up.

Here's what I wrote in my journal at the four and a half month mark.

Be Encouraged!


January 8th, 2013-

5:26am

I’m up and ready to GO!

6:08pm…

Starting to feel the effect of what has been a very long, but extremely productive, day.

The day started like most of my work days, listening to “Great is thy faithfulness”, from here I focused solely on spending some quiet time reading my devotional, then my bible ( today I read proverbs-17).

By 6:15am I have already unloaded the dishwasher, started another load of laundry and am in my bathroom painting to some Earth Wind and Fire.

By 7;25am, having painted for the last hour, I’ve already cleaned the paint pan, made my bed, had breakfast, showered, shaved, prepped my gym bag, along with my tax forms and have woken William up for school.

By 8:12am, I’ve made William’s lunch, sent him off to school and am now at L.A. Fitness doing laps in the pool. (This got cut short so I decided to do a brisk 2 mile walk instead before 14 pull ups, 200 sit ups, 40 pushups and numerous weight machines targeting my back and shoulders. )

By 10:15am I’m at Lowe’s Hardware store getting supplies.

Noon- Having gotten what I needed from lowe’s, changed the furnace filter, showered, (again) and changed, now I am at Castleton mall getting ready to get a hair cut & wash.

4pm- Having mailed my state taxes and worked with William for an hour on his homework, he and I are now on our way to the Monon center to play some one on one indoor basketball.

6:29pm-

Now I am about to fold some clothes and then, make dinner.

Tonight, Salmon, green beans and potatoes. YUM!

8:51pm

I never knew that the correct spelling for chi wah wah was Chihuahua until tonight. Just goes to show that you learn something new everyday.

Man, I am beat!

Laundry is all washed, dried, folded, and put away, dinner has been made and I just finished reading William a bedtime story…”the hound from the pound”.. AH-Roooooooooo!

This has been such a tremendous day. Gonna try and stay up to watch the remainder of the Pacers/Heat NBA game but its not looking good. Right now, I am just dog tired. Which feels absolutely exquisite after a day like, today.

God is good, God is great, God is wonderful.

Amen ☺

9:37pm-
Final entry.

Pacers 87- Miami 77
YAY!

The trash has been taken out, the dishes are currently soaking in the kitchen sink, all of the lights are now off, the 7am alarm has been set and next to me sits my customary glass of chocolate milk.

Right now, I find it difficult to believe that I watched a grand total of, at best, 30 minutes of television today. And even that was appointment based programming.

The late, great, John Wooden once said “make everyday your masterpiece.” More and more of my days are starting to feel this way. Full of life, full of production, filled with motion.

LadyinBC

I agree with Amajor. The day I put my sobriety second or only think I have to work part-time, I better take a good look as I'm in trouble.

ImperfectlyMe

It's not that I want it second I whole heartedly want my sobriety. I just wonder if I will ever just be me. Not an alcoholic in recovery. Do you ever go back to the person you were before you drank? I'm all in my sobriety at least at this point is not in jeopardy. One day I would like to think that I can look back at this time of my life and see it as a happened not a happening. If that's not the case that's ok. I'm remaining sober either way

ZoeM

I'm hoping that it's like a grieving process and that in time, the memories only surface mainly on anniversaries etc. Is this likely to happen? x

RedManc7

First thing I reckon should be not gonna drink. Then it's down to the urges and emotions of the day.
I'd try not to compartmentalise it like that. Being sober is intrinsic to your well being. Like taking a shower - takes longer if you are covered in dirt. Spend as long as you need cos nothing is more important.

Amajorityofone

Oh, hell no!

Try to think of your sobriety like this.

Life is like the seasons.
You're born in spring and die in winter. Your "summer" season was or is your drinking season. Now I am into my fall and loving every minute of it

I enjoy looking back on my summer season, but I sure as hell don't want to relive it.

Hope this helps

ImperfectlyMe

Just to be clear I am in no way questioning or not enjoying my sobriety. I am.

freshstart57

I look at my quitting drinking as a completed action in the past. The *ping* of a thought of drinking has come less and less often as the months have gone by. I don't view myself as an addict to alcohol any more, but instead as someone who doesn't drink. I made the idea of ever drinking again, in any circumstance, into a moral issue for me, like rape, or murder.

As for the constant vigilance of a sober soldier against a cunning baffling powerful foe, I say 'meh'. I am much too busy for that, and that is my suggestion to you, ImperfectlyMe. Find things to pursue that give you joy and a sense of mastery and achievement and fill your life with them. Do things that non drinkers do, and decide to do them well.

Dee74

I think in essense you're asking when do you stop obsessing about not drinking the same way we used to obsess about drinking?

I think that answers different for everyone - by around three months I was starting to get a handle on not drinking and moving on to the next phase of building a life I didn't want to run away from...but that next phase took about a year for me.

I actually do think I've re-integrated a lot of the person I used to be before drinking took over...but I have all that experience there in me as well, so I'm kinda like 'young innocent uncorrupted me' plus 'battle hardened me' equals Dee Version 2.0....the upgrade

D

ImperfectlyMe

Thanks dee! That gives me some resolution!

The grant wood/Floyd pepper pic is definitly in the top 5! You never know where he's going to pop up. Love it

ReadyAtLast

I can't remember who or what I was before I drank as was only a child. I certainly don't want to be the person I was before I quit.The key focus for me now (at 8 months) is becoming a better person and personal growth-confidence, self esteem,positivity etc.These I work on daily. I don't think about drinkin/not drinking daily but I work on other areas. If I feel i'm thinking of drinking it shows I'm not working on me and alerts me that something is wrong. So no, obsessing about drinkign isn't a FT job for me-that doesn't mean staying sober isn't a priority,of course it is,it just seems a normal part of life now,not to drink
Hope thatmakes some sort of sense

Anna

I think that recovery quickly became part of my everyday lifestyle/routine. I stopped obsessing about alcohol after a few months as Dee said too, but the other changes are part of 'me'.

littlefish

Maybe it stops being a part time job when it stops being a job! At a certain point the cravings disappeared, the intense work to keep the alcohol monkey off my back, (and out of my head), the constant distractions I threw in my path so I wouldn't think about alcohol became less and less necessary.

I had entered a new phase of sobriety: learning to be happy. Okay, yes, it was work all over again, but it is a lot more pleasant to work on enjoying life than it is to battle the mental obsession.

I guess I'm trying to say that I found sobriety has progressed in phases. The first phase was very tough, and then the next felt like a lot of hard work. But I find myself enjoying sobriety now, and the work involved is not tedious, it is more like maintenance. I make sure I work on my meditation, I make choices about my emotions, and choose how I am going to feel. I am sensitive to triggers. I think most people will say that yes, it changes and gets a lot better.
so, hang in there! 4.5 months is fantastic!

ImperfectlyMe

Thank you ready Anna littlefish that is exactly what I was looking for!!!

ersatzmatriarch

i'm definitely not a seasoned sober soldier (yet), but i wanted to chuck in something i just heard yesterday...

"at some point in good recovery, sobriety is less a working thing and more a living thing."

for me, that means that while i'll still need and want to be ever vigilant about keeping my sobriety, it will become more a natural way of life...

LDT

I don't obsess about it, but I think about it every day....several times a day. I do that on purpose to remind myself of where I was and where I want to be...in the here and now, with my sober life, that keeps getting better.

silentrun

I hear ya. You get to the point where you are "sick of being sick". The paws episodes are like a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions overwhelming you and the points in between are reflections. Always on the mind. You seem to be right behind me. Between 4 and 6 months it was non stop reflections and glued to this website. Right before 6 another paws episode started and when the dust cleared on that one I got my acceptance. I can honestly say the alcohol part of this is over. Now my brain just wants to reevaluate everything. So the reflections continue. Still it's a good place and you are almost there.

LadyinBC

I was just speaking for me. I think everyone has their own thoughts and feelings about it. I just know for me it will never be part time.