PippiLngstockng

This is what some people in my life are suggesting. Set up an appointment with a mediator and AH. Lay out the situation and try to find, for the sake of the children, some way to get through to Stbxah, reduce legal fees and move forward.

Crazy?

Has anyone tried this?

He'll agree to the appointment. It would be a setting in which he'd act like Mr Nice Family Guy. He might agree to something that would help the situation. As long as I don't say or agree to something stupid that I later regret. And the pain inherent in any encounter with him.

This ain't no contact. I don't want to share the same continent with him. But with four children we are going to be knowing each other.

Tuffgirl

I didn't do mediation with the A. I just agreed to everything and walked. I know I could have gotten some return on the money spent during our marriage, but to me, my sanity was worth more than any piddly amount I'd get from him.

You have 4 kids with this guy. Your life is connected to his until one of you dies. Yes, even when they are adults.

It's going to be important that you learn ways to deal with him and stay strong at the same time; would this be a good exercise in which to do so? Because I do think mediation is worthwhile if you can stomach it for a few hours. And you always have the opportunity to end the session and leave if it gets overwhelming.

lillamy

Mediation with an abusive person is a second round of victimization for the victim.
Same goes for counseling, as far as I'm concerned.

That said -- I can see where it might be useful under the right conditions if you're strong enough for it. I wasn't. Your AXH, like mine, seems to be dead set on making you as miserable as possible, regardless of where that puts the kids. I could not have sat down in the same room with him, because I was scared enough of him that I would have agreed to anything just to get out of that room.

If you're not in that situation, and if you can have a person with you who can put his/her foot down and say to your AXH "you are bullying her; stop or we will walk" you might be able to reach some agreement. But I'd be concerned about how it would affect you emotionally.

Also -- and I just remembered this -- forget abusive alcoholic; mediation with a person who has shown complete and utter disregard for the law? Even if you did go through mediation and reach an agreement -- is there anything that says he would abide by it? I mean, he hasn't even abided by judgments that could put him in jail if he broke them. What kind of teeth would a mediated agreement have? What would happen if he didn't do what he agrees to?

pravchaw

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.”
-Winston Churchill

Might be worth it if the alternative is an expensive legal battle. This is specially important if you have substantial assets to divide up. Otherwise most of the assets will go the lawyers as fees with both of you holding the nearly empty pots.

ShootingStar1

I think you can sometimes do mediation without both sitting in the same room. The mediator listens to one party, then translates their requests to the other party and so on. This would remove the personal abuse potential, though it wouldn't guarantee any sanity in his demands.

The other thing would be to choose your mediator carefully. When I was considering it in my divorce, my attorney wanted to choose a retired judge who had sat on the bench with divorce and custody issues for many years. He said that the mediator is not working for equity or fairness in the negotiation; their job is to help the parties come to an agreement. My attorney thought the retired judge would understand the issues much better and add some measure of reason to the process.

ShootingStar1

Florence

If you're two reasonable people with strong opinions, mediation is the way to go.

If he's a law-breaking manipulative abuser, let the lawyers hash it out.

I mediated with a law-breaking manipulative abuser and I got *way* less in child support than I was due, a crazy custody schedule, and more abuse. For YEARS.

My STBXAH is way less combative than my manipulative ex, and regardless, I've decided to go with lawyers. Unless you're pretty much in agreement about the way things go now and in the future, and you aren't, like, SCARED of him? Mediation is bad news, IME.

FireSprite

I think I'd be worried that it would ultimately prolong the process since he's already proven what little regard he has for the law or yours & your children's needs/rights.

Normally I'd be on board with at least trying mediation, but in your situation it seems like it might make sense to just cut to the chase. Aren't you dealing with this internationally as well, and already running into grey areas between the countries' ways of handling things? I can't imagine that mediation would HELP that situation?

NYCDoglvr

Why bother negotiating with an alcoholic? Hasn't he proved his words are meaningless? Has he promised to change in the past? What happened then? Can you trust and respect him? The thing is, alcoholics can be very manipulative and if the mediator doesn't see who he really is, what use will his/her words be?

lsw2boys

This is a good question and issue to bring up, I have been wondering the same thing..after asking around I have been getting similar responses as these. I am not aware of what your story, situation is but my guess you are trying to be as fair, caring and mature about this process as possible. Unfortunately, I don't think we are dealing with fair, rational people and the manipulation would most likely occur in this process as well.

Thanks for your comment about counseling lilamy..It is on this site that I have learned others have had the victimizing experience within counseling sessions. Horrible! Why would mediation be any different?

pookielou

I was able to mediate with my ex AH. We were not in the same room, thank goodness. I didn't have to see his body language during the process. He agreed to almost all of my requests because the mediator was able to tell him that his requests were outrageous (even though I told him the same thing). We used a judge who had several years experience and even had experience with alcoholics and child custody. Because we were able to mediate, my divorce took approximately six weeks (finalized two days ago).

Although he signed the agreement that day, he came uncorked when my attorney called him to ensure that the papers could be filed and that he didn't want to have them reviewed by an attorney. He was so angry and said that he was "giving" in to all my requests because I wouldn't back down, cited that we weren't even in the same room. Maybe he felt that I took advantage of him and he couldn't manipulate me because we weren't in the same room. I chose not to engage in that argument so I never did find out his reason for being so angry after the fact. I did use an attorney and my ex AH chose not to.

Good luck to you. Mediation definitely expedites the process if it works. Time will tell if the he will operate according to the divorce decree...

PippiLngstockng

My lawyer hereabouts comes back from his vacation tomorrow. Then I imagine he will tell me to wait to see what happens with this appeal we are doing, regarding jurisdiction of the support. My US lawyer is also trying to get my support raised. I don't know if these are just desperate measures at this point.

Is there something binding about agreements made in mediation? Do the judges learn the outcome? Is there much to lose in trying?

The problem is, he is going to want long unsupervised visits with the children. That's all I have to negotiate with.

What I want to get out of this is to get some additional support during this transition so I can pay for necessities and childcare, freeing myself up for a big time job search effort and reentry into the workforce. Once the paychecks come in I will need less help. Then I want to know what he is trying to get from all this. His actions say he wants to fight about visitation but he can't handle the children for too long. He wants to give us the bare minimum and control all spending decisions. He wants his freedom to live alone in our big house and work and play and drink without any of us bothering him. He wants everyone to feel sorry for him and believe everything is all my fault.

I want the children in my care, safe and sound. I want to live here in Europe. I want to work enough to get back some independance, but be able to give the children the care and attention they need and deserve. I want a predictable income.

We both know a quick divorce would be a good idea.

I am not scared of him right now. I think even though the support is inadequate, to say the least, knowing the DOR will send the amount to my bank account helps me feel safer. And the distance, the restraining order and time gone by since he terrified me that awful day last fall have helped me to heal. He also looks to have reined in the drinking. His face isn't weird and bloated. He is just into looking very woe-is-me-my-wife-is-so-diificult-and-I'm-such-a-nice-guy.

I am stronger. I really get my situation, thanks to SR and time and experience gone by. This was an intense and painful year. But I learned. Things I didn't want to learn but at least I understand now.

I am ready to roll up my sleeves, get a job and take further control of my life. I have mourned the losses and I realize I still have most everything that is important to me. With a job and adequate income I will be pretty well set.

Maybe AH is getting what he's prioritized, too. The house, his work and community and freedom.

Yeah he doesn't have us. But if he wanted us, he'd be in recovery.