Al-anon-Love it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: new mexico
Posts: 42
Good morning osier59,
Wellllllllllllll....... Previously I was involved with an addict/alcoholic. Got pretty sick myself. Did all the wrong things. Enabled, nagged, played detective, pushed into rehab,etc... Got introduced to Al-anon and tried to work the program....
Was introduced to a woman, and became involved. Tried to work on myself, kept up the Al-anon, going to therapy, learned as much about addiction as I could. Tried extreamly hard not to do the things I had done before.
The first relationship was truly "toxic." Also difficult to get over. Every type of manipulation was used, especially sex and also her daughter I was around since she was two weeks old. Best I not have kids at this point in my life, so the daughter was filling the void.Mother was in and out of her life and my life depending where in the country her addiction took her. She came back and is trying to stay sober and is as far as I know. Tried to work on a relationship. Nasty breakup, etc...... Get the picture???
Was introduced to a woman in our groups daughter. She had been to the best treatment and was trying to work on her recovery. Had resumed drinking to some degree (I don't know when), before I met her. Yet was doing pretty well. Her family didn't know she was drinking again I don't think?!? As addiction gets worse before it gets better, things became obvious. She had been living with me while her house was being remodeled. At first, she tried to hide the drinking from me, but as I am a former drinker and because I had witnessed the behavior of the previos girl----the patterns were familier.
Being that no previous relationship before the one mentioned first had been with an A, I didn't think I was following any pattern myself. Because of the work I had done, I WENT INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY EYES OPEN. Our group is small and I had been the only male. This has alianated me. The mother has over 20 years of Alanon and is a leader of the group.
Anyway, we went on a short trip (she drank) and returned. I had to go to work. She called me 3 or 4 times at work in a good mood. Nice conversations. I get home to a note saying: "I am dying and you are helping ,me to die." "I love you." Please don't call."
I was shocked. I didn't nag, beg, threaten----let things happen until "she" asked for help. Hey, she knew all the tools. Had been in rehab several times....What was I to do?
I felt it best for her family to approach me rather than me initiating anything since the mother was the veteren in the program and was aware of the steps they had done in the past. Was I wrong??????
I feel like the mother talked to her that evening Knew she had been drinking, and she and her sister covinced her I was the problem. I feel they used their leverage to make me the scapegoat (so to speak). As she receives her income from the family, leverage was available.
I had always been open sharing with the group my past mistakes with the first girl and why I was attending. Now I feel like that was a mistake and would definatly be too reluctant to ever attend a meeting in this area----big mouth that I was. I really tried to do the program to the best of my ability and was proud of my progress. I'm feeling like I let both mother, daughter, and the group down. Haven't figgered out yet just how, but feel like I also let myself down. Lost a relationship where two people just "clicked" personality wise in spite of the addiction.
Long story short, I feel like S##########TTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting my vent all that,
larryg
Wellllllllllllll....... Previously I was involved with an addict/alcoholic. Got pretty sick myself. Did all the wrong things. Enabled, nagged, played detective, pushed into rehab,etc... Got introduced to Al-anon and tried to work the program....
Was introduced to a woman, and became involved. Tried to work on myself, kept up the Al-anon, going to therapy, learned as much about addiction as I could. Tried extreamly hard not to do the things I had done before.
The first relationship was truly "toxic." Also difficult to get over. Every type of manipulation was used, especially sex and also her daughter I was around since she was two weeks old. Best I not have kids at this point in my life, so the daughter was filling the void.Mother was in and out of her life and my life depending where in the country her addiction took her. She came back and is trying to stay sober and is as far as I know. Tried to work on a relationship. Nasty breakup, etc...... Get the picture???
Was introduced to a woman in our groups daughter. She had been to the best treatment and was trying to work on her recovery. Had resumed drinking to some degree (I don't know when), before I met her. Yet was doing pretty well. Her family didn't know she was drinking again I don't think?!? As addiction gets worse before it gets better, things became obvious. She had been living with me while her house was being remodeled. At first, she tried to hide the drinking from me, but as I am a former drinker and because I had witnessed the behavior of the previos girl----the patterns were familier.
Being that no previous relationship before the one mentioned first had been with an A, I didn't think I was following any pattern myself. Because of the work I had done, I WENT INTO THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY EYES OPEN. Our group is small and I had been the only male. This has alianated me. The mother has over 20 years of Alanon and is a leader of the group.
Anyway, we went on a short trip (she drank) and returned. I had to go to work. She called me 3 or 4 times at work in a good mood. Nice conversations. I get home to a note saying: "I am dying and you are helping ,me to die." "I love you." Please don't call."
I was shocked. I didn't nag, beg, threaten----let things happen until "she" asked for help. Hey, she knew all the tools. Had been in rehab several times....What was I to do?
I felt it best for her family to approach me rather than me initiating anything since the mother was the veteren in the program and was aware of the steps they had done in the past. Was I wrong??????
I feel like the mother talked to her that evening Knew she had been drinking, and she and her sister covinced her I was the problem. I feel they used their leverage to make me the scapegoat (so to speak). As she receives her income from the family, leverage was available.
I had always been open sharing with the group my past mistakes with the first girl and why I was attending. Now I feel like that was a mistake and would definatly be too reluctant to ever attend a meeting in this area----big mouth that I was. I really tried to do the program to the best of my ability and was proud of my progress. I'm feeling like I let both mother, daughter, and the group down. Haven't figgered out yet just how, but feel like I also let myself down. Lost a relationship where two people just "clicked" personality wise in spite of the addiction.
Long story short, I feel like S##########TTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for letting my vent all that,
larryg
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
I hear ya Larry. Is it possible for you to find another group? It seems to me that you might not be comfortable sharing there anymore, though I could be mistaken. Is it possible for you to sit down ftf with the leader of that group and explain your feelings and fears about anonymity and whats being shared in the meetings? You might be surprised by what you find out!
Barb
Barb
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: new mexico
Posts: 42
Barb----
Thank you for your reply, concern, and knowledge. The group is small, the town is small, so I am pretty much SOL. The mother is a leader.... Everyone is friends and knows a lot of history on one another. The mother's advice would always by right on. But this is her daughter and she wants to protect her. I understand that. Being my last relationship got me into Al-anon, she knows how toxic it was for me. I tried to make this different. Best answer my therapist and I could come up with was that this girl I really cared about----was concerned more with doing the right things. Not to make the mistakes I had made in the past. Of course I had gotten a lot more info about addiction through study and Al-anon. At least SR and kind people like yourself are around.
Larry
Thank you for your reply, concern, and knowledge. The group is small, the town is small, so I am pretty much SOL. The mother is a leader.... Everyone is friends and knows a lot of history on one another. The mother's advice would always by right on. But this is her daughter and she wants to protect her. I understand that. Being my last relationship got me into Al-anon, she knows how toxic it was for me. I tried to make this different. Best answer my therapist and I could come up with was that this girl I really cared about----was concerned more with doing the right things. Not to make the mistakes I had made in the past. Of course I had gotten a lot more info about addiction through study and Al-anon. At least SR and kind people like yourself are around.
Larry
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