4MyBoys

So, I know all my friends here get tired of hearing about my neverending saga, so I thought I would post here because you guys don't mind looking at the trainwreck........

So in the last month, my now XAH, had scheduled 4 visits with the boys. Cancelled 3 of them within 24 hours. Crushing the boys.....

He made at least one call the the boys while so wasted he could hardly stay awake let alone speak.

I finally got the keys to the family home to remove the items we had agreed that I would get in the divorce. He left my items that I owned before the marriage but took all the community property. Left me no furniture, even dug up the flag pole that came from my parents house and all the hitching posts for the horses.

Now last night he showed up at football practice. He is allowed to go to games but no practices. My son was sobbing and begging me not to tell on his Dad because he said it is the first time in forvever he felt normal again. I get to be the bad guy again.......

I love how the how the rules don't apply to him! I left two years ago, I want the crazy to end!

4MyBoys

Hammer

So how do you end crazy?

LexieCat

I think this is a situation where you have to do the hard "mom" stuff. Your ex will take a mile if you give him an inch. Your son might not understand now, but someday he will. And your being consistent about insisting on abiding by the rules will be less confusing than letting things slide until it escalates and you have a full-blown drama event.

Hugs, hang in there!!!

Recovering2

So sorry this is happening to you. I agree with Lexie, you may have to suffer being the "bad guy" here. If you allow your ex to get away with this, then what happens with the next rule he breaks? Better to be consistent, although it won't be easy. Kids can't understand, that's why they don't make these decisions.

brownhorse

I understand! My 11 year old wants a dad so bad! I don't know how old your kids are, but they will not see you as the bad guy. It takes time, they are sad, but love and trust you.

Tuffgirl

Sorry this continues to happen. However, I am not sure his showing up at practice is necessarily something to make a big deal of. Or maybe better said - if it was me, I'd let it go. Reason... it is such a non-issue that I'd not want to stress myself out over it.

To me - trying to force someone to follow rules, especially an alcoholic, is a recipe for continual stress and chaos. The more you push, the more they push back. Maybe in situations like this, saving your energy for fights on the big things would be time better spent.

Just my humble opinion! Prayers for smoother days ahead,
~T

4MyBoys

Tufffgirl, you may not know all my story. It is an issue because I have a restraining order against him and he is only supposed to have supervised visits with the boys. He has now found a loophole around this one. He just goes to watch the boys practice sports and gets to talk with them when they are done. He makes sure to position himself so that the boys can run and see him after practcie. No one is determining if he is drinking, monitoring what he is saying to the boys. etc. Because of the restraining order I don't feel comfortable going over.

I agreed in court that he could go watch the ball games because he had been going to the supervised visits a few times. Now he has been to exactly 2 in the last 7 weeks. He schedules them and cancels within the last 24 hours. Believe me I wish it was as wholesome as it sounds on the surface. He has just constantly disobeyed court orders and does not think any rules apply to him.

And now he goes to practice and stares at me giving me and any friends I am with dirty looks. Long dirty looks. And he makes comments to the boys so that I look like the bad guy when I try to hurry along their goodbyes because I am responsible for getting a coulple other kids home and he is dragging out the goodbye for a good 10-15 minutes. I hate it. The football practices are two hours a night. I was using the time to go home and get dinner ready and get things ready for the next day. Now I feel nervous to leave my son at practice, knowing my XAH is there. I have had long talks with my son about not ever leaving with him under any circumstances but still.......

And I feel like a jerk because I let him take the boys and walk unattended about 50 yards to the snack shack to buy the boys drinks and snacks. I was not able to say no because the boys were ready to start crying and their friends and cousins were right there. I could see them the entire time but really he could have just taken them.

Why do I get these rules put in place when it is so hard for me to enforce them? I just came up with a new resolve while typing this. Next time he tries something like to that, I'm going to tell him that he can see the boys at the next scheduled visit. It is so hard because this is the first time since moving to this town that I have not told the coaches/teachers our story at the beginning of the season. My older son just wants to be one of the kids. Not to stand out because of our situation. I am trying to avoid a big fight in the parking lot in front of my sons friends and their parents.


4MyBoys

4MyBoys

Brownhorse,

Thanks. My older son is 10. He is at that age right now...I know he loves me unconditionally even when he is mad at me but he just wants and needs a Dad so bad right now.

4MyBoys

fedup3

Sorry you're having to go through this 4myboys, you've come this far away from him you'll figure out the best way to handle this situation. Keeping you in my prayers.

4MyBoys

Thanks fedup3.

4MyBoys

Plus, I didn't add this above but when we sold the family house, he has been living in, he moved towns to be closer to the boys. To the very, very small town I work in. Up until now, the chances of seeing or running into him were almost nil. He lived 30 minutes away. Now I don't know were he lives only that he is in the town I work in. I can feel all my hypervigilance creeping back in as I drive through town.

Gosh, I sound like a mess. I had been feeling so good and strong and now I feel some of protective walls I had up are crumbling. I am hardly able to sleep again and my mind is spinning a lot of the time. Thanks for the PTSD honey but I really would have rather had a piece of jewerly......

4MyBoys

Florence

Went through this with my narcissistic ex.

It gets easier as the kids get older.

In the meantime, you have these legal boundaries in place and he is ignoring them. I hate this stuff because who, then, enforces the boundaries? Chances are, the only boundaries getting enforced are his rights over yours, by his insistence, by poking at your PTSD and making you feel small and scared.

Did I mention I've been through this?

What I wish I would have done: Carry a copy of my custody order on myself. When he's somewhere he's not supposed to be, call the cops (non-emergency) and explain the situation and let them know you have a copy of your order. The police will arrive and tell him to go away. Will it cause a scene? Maybe. That's his fault. You're not responsible for policing and enforcing court orders -- the police are. He probably won't get in trouble, but he will know you mean business. If asked why you didn't call before? Tell the truth -- you were scared of him and scared of causing a scene, but his behavior is erratic and is scaring you more (the staring and intimidation? I'm familiar with that too). Believe me, this ain't their first rodeo.

If it continues, I would call a lawyer and find out what your options are.

I never did these things. I lived in fear for years, got lots of terrible advice that told me to stay small and not rock the boat, and my family suffered for it.

soberhawk

I do not know your story well.

When reading that he has canceled most of the meetings with the boys, but has this interest in their training – you could suspect that he is playing a power came with you more than seeing his sons.

I could be wrong here, you are a better judge of that.

If he is then it is very cunning and manipulative – and an unacceptable behavior of an adult.

I agree with LexieCat, but I also see that it can be a difficult thing to do with kids and their friends around, it puts you in a very vulnerable situation.

Could you defuse this by teaming up with a brother/father/kids friends father, and let them take the kids for training – just a couple of times and then now and then. I needs to be someone you trust.

It does depend on his stamina and motivation, but it might discourage him to do this.

This is giving in I know that, it is even participating in a power game – and it is wrong to do.

But sometimes with people that are manipulative it is an advantage to chose when to take the battles.

Florence

Oh, also. About the abuse-by-proximity thing, which is not unheard of. My narcissistic ex decided to do yours one better. He got hired in a parallel department at my job.

It took me about two years to find another one.

BUT -- it was one of the best things I could have done for myself. You might start thinking about ways to get your distance from him. It might mean uprooting your life -- new job, new home, new restraining order ( <---- THIS!!!!) -- but it will be worth the peace of mind.

4MyBoys

Thanks Florence.

I do keep my original court orders on me at all time. This was just a little side note agreed to in court. I tried to look online to see what the actual wording is but it was not listed. I am going to have to go to the court house to get the actual official paperwork. This is what is making it hard for me to act I dont know what the actual order is. We agree to stuff in court and by the time the attorneys write it up, sometimes it has changed some.....

I wrote down that it was just games he was allowed to go to but my attorney thought practices were included. The kids attorney could not remember. So back on me. Glad I pay everyone so much money, and no one knows the answer......

Soberhawk,
I agree to you that is it a power play. He is a police officer and very aware how the law works. This is his way to get around doing the supervised visits. I have many friends or parents who could help but I really would hate to put them into a bad position if he did something inappropriate. It would not be right to make them police him. Pun intended.

The councelor who oversees the visit seems pretty upset about the whole thing. He said that watching the boys practice sports is not the same as having a meaningful two hour visit with conversation. I am hoping the court wll feel the same when he turns in his report.

It bothers me that my XAH told the boys after the last game that he has had to pay so much to see the boys (supervised visits are $25 per visit, even thought I pay $50 a week for my son to see a councelor because of crap my ex did and continues to do) but it has been worth it. That the supervised visits are almost all done. Well, I don't know how he comes up with that???? He hasn't been doing them and according to my notes they are supposed to continue until November 4th. The boys are all excited now thinking they get to see his new house now.

I am so tired of handling the lies and manipulation he shovels the boys. I guess I am going to have to man up and break it up next time he is there at practice. He has supervised visits and is allowed to come watch practices. I don't have to let the kids visit with him. I hate it because he knows I am too scared to walk over to break it up.....

4MyBoys

4MyBoys

Florence, I am hoping to get perm orders in the next month or so. My plan has always been to move with the boys then to a much bigger town where my sister and her family live. The schools are better, it has more programs for the kdis, it would be 40 minutes from him, and my dating pool would include men that I did not go to school with since kindergarden. Not that I am dating but one day I like to think I will again.......

Hopefully at the beginning of next summer.
4MyBoys

soberhawk

Difficult situation - it was just if you had not thought of it that way.

It depends on how difficult he is.

Can you rely remain a policy officer in the US with a restraining order?

4MyBoys

Yes soberhawk you can. He is just not allowed to carry his duty weapon off duty. Believe me he petitioned that in court also, but luckily the judge denied his request to carry a weapon off duty.

He is the master manipulator. The court gets it, they have assigned the boys their own attorney, he only gets supervised visits, I have a restraining order, he cannot call my house or the boys only we can call him. I am to record all the phone calls, court ordered. Still, he does not think he does anything wrong or have a problem with his drinking.

I told a co-worker the other day that I had to leave to deal with something to do with my very ugly divorce. He looked at me and said, "Really, is it any messier than a normal divorce?" I had to laugh and said, "Well I don't think most divorces involve SWAT team members removing kids from the home after the EX hides them in the house for 20 minutes, while his Sargent is there." That shut him up.

FML, 4MyBoys

soberhawk

I understand.

He does sound like a ....., I am glad you are strong.

4MyBoys

Sorry this isn't like me to complain on here like this. What is happening isn't even that bad but this is new for me to have to see him outside of court basically unprotected. It is scary, he is breaking the rules even though it sounds pretty innocent what he is doing. We just have a long history of him taking a mile, if I let him slide an inch. I feel like if he thinks he can do this, what is to keep him from thinking he can come into our home at 3:00 am, to "visit"??????

Exaggeration on my part, but really?!?! I have to play by the rules. If the kids miss a phone call to him or are even a little late and he misses it, he tries to take me back to court.