The Scorpion: "It's My Nature"
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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The Scorpion: "It's My Nature"
I thought he had changed. I was beginning to think that maybe I should have considered his offer to try getting together again. When I heard him talk about his new girlfriend and moving in with her, when I saw his humor and his wit, his intellectual virtuosity, I wondered what I had lost.
It is now over a year since I left my abusive alcoholic porn addicted husband of 20 years. I ran away on July 4, 2012 after the Fraud Squad notified me that he had charged over $1200 on MY credit card for internet porn.
He was verbally abusive, controlling, and oh so powerfully dominated me into emotional submission by his rages, accusations, demands, punitive self aggrandizement. I came here to SoberRecovery over a year ago, and you all helped me see that I was abused, Stockholm Syndrome, terribly devastating loss of self, almost loss of my soul. I listened and I left.
Now I am divorced. I have just bought a sweet little house in a great little town on the ocean and am living here quietly with my little dog. My grown kids see me more often because they don't have to avoid him. I have rediscovered my art. I am working on finding a way to support myself long term. I am contented most of the time.
The terms of the divorce left me the lion's share of the equity in the house my ex-husband and I own together. He, by court order, lives there, and has to pay the carrying costs until it is sold. I have had to work with him to get the house ready to sell, so I have had to be back in contact with him.
Yesterday, after working pretty well all day on the house, having contractors come and such, I sat down for a moment before the long drive home to catch my breath.
Who he was, who he is, who I forgot that he is, surfaced. He threatened me that if the house, after one month on the market, didn't sell by the end of September, he would refuse to sign another real estate contract to sell the house and intended to rent the house in a complicated financial deal that would tie me to him for years and that I have already refused twice.
I know that, in the end, he can't do this. The Court ordered the house sold. I can go back to my lawyer and petition the Court and either have the divorce settlement changed so that he owns the house and pays me other assets, or have a Court appointed real estate magistrate sell the house, most likely at great financial loss.
I can live with doing whatever I have to do to get out of all future financial relationships with him. It is just money and time to be expended to get there. I'll probably be able to persuade him to sell the house anyway.
What shocks me, catches me so off-guard, is his abuse. He yelled at me and began the old blame game of "you abandoned me 13 months ago" and "this is all your fault" and the vitriol poured out. Just like it used to. Clearly he intended to manipulate me and control me so that the outcome is what he wants. If he rents the house, his scheme has him getting some income and the rental fees paying his carrying costs.
I told him "don't threaten me" and said there was no reason to get into a fight. My dog was shaking. I left and cancelled my plans to go back to the house to do anymore work while he is there. I will probably go back this weekend when he is away. I need to finish up the work so that the Open House on Sunday is successful. I need to pack up and decide upon the last of the stuff I need to take from the house now that I have my own home to move it to. Mostly everything I can walk away from, but I want my piano. I need to get the movers in there as soon as possible and get the h*ll out of Dodge.
What shocks me is how much a body blow this was to me. It shouldn't be. This is who he was. This is who he is, even though he masqueraded as someone much nicer for a while.
When I got home, a friend had dinner waiting for me, and she reminded me that the last time I was at the house with him, he got very ugly at the end and I walked out. I had forgotten that. Now this morning, I can't really remember exactly what he said. I've blocked it out already.
Someone on SoberRecovery posted a link to an article that says that during trauma, a hormone is released much like the ones released during childbirth that make you forgot the specifics of what happened.
This is happening to me again. I need to go back and read what I posted in the sticky "What is Abuse?"
I get so thrown off that I lose focus on my life, and what I need to do. The trauma, the PTSD, takes over, and it takes me real time and effort to re-center myself. I am traumatized all over. But my daughter is coming to visit today, and we will go to the ocean and swim, and walk my dog on the boulevard by the ocean, and she will help me unpack a bit more, and I will re-root myself here in my new life. I am just shocked that he can still reach into my heart and stir up those fears so easily.
It is the story of the scorpion and the frog. The scorpion asks the frog for a ride on his back across the river. The frog says "yes, if you promise not to sting me". Half way across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog says "Why did you do that? Now we will both die."
The scorpion responds: "It is my nature."
ShootingStar1
It is now over a year since I left my abusive alcoholic porn addicted husband of 20 years. I ran away on July 4, 2012 after the Fraud Squad notified me that he had charged over $1200 on MY credit card for internet porn.
He was verbally abusive, controlling, and oh so powerfully dominated me into emotional submission by his rages, accusations, demands, punitive self aggrandizement. I came here to SoberRecovery over a year ago, and you all helped me see that I was abused, Stockholm Syndrome, terribly devastating loss of self, almost loss of my soul. I listened and I left.
Now I am divorced. I have just bought a sweet little house in a great little town on the ocean and am living here quietly with my little dog. My grown kids see me more often because they don't have to avoid him. I have rediscovered my art. I am working on finding a way to support myself long term. I am contented most of the time.
The terms of the divorce left me the lion's share of the equity in the house my ex-husband and I own together. He, by court order, lives there, and has to pay the carrying costs until it is sold. I have had to work with him to get the house ready to sell, so I have had to be back in contact with him.
Yesterday, after working pretty well all day on the house, having contractors come and such, I sat down for a moment before the long drive home to catch my breath.
Who he was, who he is, who I forgot that he is, surfaced. He threatened me that if the house, after one month on the market, didn't sell by the end of September, he would refuse to sign another real estate contract to sell the house and intended to rent the house in a complicated financial deal that would tie me to him for years and that I have already refused twice.
I know that, in the end, he can't do this. The Court ordered the house sold. I can go back to my lawyer and petition the Court and either have the divorce settlement changed so that he owns the house and pays me other assets, or have a Court appointed real estate magistrate sell the house, most likely at great financial loss.
I can live with doing whatever I have to do to get out of all future financial relationships with him. It is just money and time to be expended to get there. I'll probably be able to persuade him to sell the house anyway.
What shocks me, catches me so off-guard, is his abuse. He yelled at me and began the old blame game of "you abandoned me 13 months ago" and "this is all your fault" and the vitriol poured out. Just like it used to. Clearly he intended to manipulate me and control me so that the outcome is what he wants. If he rents the house, his scheme has him getting some income and the rental fees paying his carrying costs.
I told him "don't threaten me" and said there was no reason to get into a fight. My dog was shaking. I left and cancelled my plans to go back to the house to do anymore work while he is there. I will probably go back this weekend when he is away. I need to finish up the work so that the Open House on Sunday is successful. I need to pack up and decide upon the last of the stuff I need to take from the house now that I have my own home to move it to. Mostly everything I can walk away from, but I want my piano. I need to get the movers in there as soon as possible and get the h*ll out of Dodge.
What shocks me is how much a body blow this was to me. It shouldn't be. This is who he was. This is who he is, even though he masqueraded as someone much nicer for a while.
When I got home, a friend had dinner waiting for me, and she reminded me that the last time I was at the house with him, he got very ugly at the end and I walked out. I had forgotten that. Now this morning, I can't really remember exactly what he said. I've blocked it out already.
Someone on SoberRecovery posted a link to an article that says that during trauma, a hormone is released much like the ones released during childbirth that make you forgot the specifics of what happened.
This is happening to me again. I need to go back and read what I posted in the sticky "What is Abuse?"
I get so thrown off that I lose focus on my life, and what I need to do. The trauma, the PTSD, takes over, and it takes me real time and effort to re-center myself. I am traumatized all over. But my daughter is coming to visit today, and we will go to the ocean and swim, and walk my dog on the boulevard by the ocean, and she will help me unpack a bit more, and I will re-root myself here in my new life. I am just shocked that he can still reach into my heart and stir up those fears so easily.
It is the story of the scorpion and the frog. The scorpion asks the frog for a ride on his back across the river. The frog says "yes, if you promise not to sting me". Half way across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog says "Why did you do that? Now we will both die."
The scorpion responds: "It is my nature."
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Isn't it amazing how they can be nice for a little while, and as soon as we let our guard down, even a little, *BAM* they go right back to the same old mean and nasty behavior that we ran from to begin with?
I am sorry you had to go through that again, but think its a good thing because maybe this time you can stop romanticizing him when he's nice to you. And I mean that in all respect and kindness, as well as empathy because I did the same thing over and over, for a long time, before I finally let go for good.
I am sure even Ted Bundy had some good qualities, right? Didn't make him any less dangerous, though...
Hope you have better and more peaceful days ahead.
~T
I am sorry you had to go through that again, but think its a good thing because maybe this time you can stop romanticizing him when he's nice to you. And I mean that in all respect and kindness, as well as empathy because I did the same thing over and over, for a long time, before I finally let go for good.
I am sure even Ted Bundy had some good qualities, right? Didn't make him any less dangerous, though...
Hope you have better and more peaceful days ahead.
~T
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Just wanted to stop here and send you some virtual hugs, ShootingStar. Your progress has been amazing and you are loved here! I know I get confused by the nice guy routine(shamefully admitting here that it happens OFTEN, LOL) and then I'm demoralized when it turns on me.
Hugs, I try to remember the scorpion story every time I see one around the house here. Thanks for sharing! Hugs to you!
Hugs, I try to remember the scorpion story every time I see one around the house here. Thanks for sharing! Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Thanks, TuffGirl, you are right, even Ted Bundy's mother probably loved him. I'll keep that in mind.
Just got 3 registered letters in the mail that XAH did not pay the court ordered payments on three timeshares last January 2013, and now we are forbidden to use them, and may lose them. The plan had been to sell them before the payment came due in Jan 2014.
Is this "whack a mole" day?
I think I'll tell him that he can pay me the fees he didn't pay the time share company, plus half of any additional value to the timeshares, then let them lapse if he wants.
So hate to have to go back and pay legal fees.
Just need somebody to hear my exasperation. Thanks, all.
ShootingStar1
Just got 3 registered letters in the mail that XAH did not pay the court ordered payments on three timeshares last January 2013, and now we are forbidden to use them, and may lose them. The plan had been to sell them before the payment came due in Jan 2014.
Is this "whack a mole" day?
I think I'll tell him that he can pay me the fees he didn't pay the time share company, plus half of any additional value to the timeshares, then let them lapse if he wants.
So hate to have to go back and pay legal fees.
Just need somebody to hear my exasperation. Thanks, all.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Clearly he intended to manipulate me and control me so that the outcome is what he wants.
I admire your clarity of mind. You will be OK.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Lillamy, that's a very interesting idea you added -
And like the scorpion, he doesn't care if the end result is harmful to him as well, as long as it's harmful to you.
I've never thought of it that way. He sure doesn't care about me; I did think that he was grandiose enough to think it would all turn out right for him, "because he deserves, is owed" whatever he wants.
I so often think of your Winston Churchill tag line: "When you're going through hell, keep on going".
I just never had any idea that hell is SOOOOO LOOOOOOOOONG...
ShootingStar1
And like the scorpion, he doesn't care if the end result is harmful to him as well, as long as it's harmful to you.
I've never thought of it that way. He sure doesn't care about me; I did think that he was grandiose enough to think it would all turn out right for him, "because he deserves, is owed" whatever he wants.
I so often think of your Winston Churchill tag line: "When you're going through hell, keep on going".
I just never had any idea that hell is SOOOOO LOOOOOOOOONG...
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He sure doesn't care about me; I did think that he was grandiose enough to think it would all turn out right for him, "because he deserves, is owed" whatever he wants.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Definitely much similarity in situations here, ShootingStar! You are inspiring to me, that you were able to leave. The "nice guy" act is throwing me off balance, it truly feels like the scorpion before he attacks!! Just when you let your guard up, wham!! THank you for sharing your story, you do give me hope.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Two qualities shared by both alcoholics and codependents are denial and rationalization. It helps to remember, a leopard doesn't change his spots. Don't let him live rent-free in your head, you've made such wonderful progress and are an inspiration to us all.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
We married these jerks for a reason. Their brilliance, their charm. Qualities that helped a person overlook some little red flags. They are skilled at making us forget. Making us question our better judgement, our experience, ourselves.
So he still can get to you. Drat it all.
But you have your little house, your art and your life back in your own hands. You are safe. Safe enough to play with letting your guard down.
Don't worry. You still have everything you need. Things are moving forward and it's going to be - more than - okay!
So he still can get to you. Drat it all.
But you have your little house, your art and your life back in your own hands. You are safe. Safe enough to play with letting your guard down.
Don't worry. You still have everything you need. Things are moving forward and it's going to be - more than - okay!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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As for my personal experience with a TRUE narcissistic personality disordered person (I was married to one), after you have once seen the true colors----anything presented after that (nice guy act) is always illusion. Beware: Sharp curves and Falling Rocks ahead.......
dandylion
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Thank you for this post. I really needed it. Although I am mostly working with my alcohol recovery, I needed reminder of my cross addiction with my exbf who I allow entry now and again back into my life, usually to my detriment. You may all may know him.... Blamer Jekyllnhyde?
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