Introduction and a thank you..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Introduction and a thank you..
Hello, I felt I should introduce myself since I have been reading so many of your posts and threads..I can't believe the support, understanding and caring that you have all shown one another. Every time I read some your messages, share in your experiences I come away feeling centered and more at peace with my life and decisions. Thank you for that!! Your posts are so beautifully written and poignant, I am afraid I do not have that talent of eloquence but here goes..
I am in a marriage with AH of 12 years and have two sons (school age), I have recently made a decision to leave after at least 5 years of agonizing over this. My situation is a little compromised in that I am at home and not working. I am trying to stay in the moment, take things days by day. Over the past couple of years (after discovering Al Anon literature) I have been able to lift myself out of that "fog," rediscover interests and try to acknowledge and take responsibility for my contributions and failings in this marriage. I have heard some of you describe the marriage to an active A as a "prison sentence" and I couldn't agree more. I dread weekends, holidays, vacations, any days he is working from home (usually due to hangovers), etc. I have recently told him that I am going to leave. This is something I have never said previously because my parents divorced when I was young and I stubbornly insisted I would never to do this to my children..However, after two arrests for DUI's, a coworker having to drive AH home passed out in the backseat I realized that I want a better life for me and a peaceful household for my boys. I anticipated that upon my announcement to AH harassment would escalate tenfold as it has in the past when I have attempted to change dynamics in marriage but AH has done the opposite. For the past two weeks, AH has been pleasant, involved with children, etc. I am feeling enormously guilty for still wanting to leave and questioning my decision that this in the best interest of my boys and I. It is so much easier to make decisions like this when the harassment is bad. Sadly, I care and love him as the father but I am so detached from him as a husband or partner. I want the best for him, I just don't want it to be with me. How awful and selfish is that of me to want to break up family? My side of the family is plagued with divorce and his side has a history of NO divorce!! I guess I am accepting that I stink at relationships
Sorry this post is a bit scattered and disjointed but I wanted to join this family and look forward to being a part..Thank you again!!
I am in a marriage with AH of 12 years and have two sons (school age), I have recently made a decision to leave after at least 5 years of agonizing over this. My situation is a little compromised in that I am at home and not working. I am trying to stay in the moment, take things days by day. Over the past couple of years (after discovering Al Anon literature) I have been able to lift myself out of that "fog," rediscover interests and try to acknowledge and take responsibility for my contributions and failings in this marriage. I have heard some of you describe the marriage to an active A as a "prison sentence" and I couldn't agree more. I dread weekends, holidays, vacations, any days he is working from home (usually due to hangovers), etc. I have recently told him that I am going to leave. This is something I have never said previously because my parents divorced when I was young and I stubbornly insisted I would never to do this to my children..However, after two arrests for DUI's, a coworker having to drive AH home passed out in the backseat I realized that I want a better life for me and a peaceful household for my boys. I anticipated that upon my announcement to AH harassment would escalate tenfold as it has in the past when I have attempted to change dynamics in marriage but AH has done the opposite. For the past two weeks, AH has been pleasant, involved with children, etc. I am feeling enormously guilty for still wanting to leave and questioning my decision that this in the best interest of my boys and I. It is so much easier to make decisions like this when the harassment is bad. Sadly, I care and love him as the father but I am so detached from him as a husband or partner. I want the best for him, I just don't want it to be with me. How awful and selfish is that of me to want to break up family? My side of the family is plagued with divorce and his side has a history of NO divorce!! I guess I am accepting that I stink at relationships
Sorry this post is a bit scattered and disjointed but I wanted to join this family and look forward to being a part..Thank you again!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, lsw.
What a tough situation, and I remember feeling the same way you do about divorce. It's a great goal to have, but one that can be unrealistic, because it takes two people to make a marriage work. Alcoholics simply aren't emotionally present for a healthy marriage. It isn't your fault, or something you've done to make it this way.
Of course he doesn't want a divorce either. But does he want to get sober more than get a divorce? I think the good behavior remains to be seen - or as we like to say around here - more will be revealed. Good behavior for a time often follows threats of divorce. See what happens next. But don't feel guilty for putting yourself and your kids first. They deserve a parent who is actively present in their lives, don't they?
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
What a tough situation, and I remember feeling the same way you do about divorce. It's a great goal to have, but one that can be unrealistic, because it takes two people to make a marriage work. Alcoholics simply aren't emotionally present for a healthy marriage. It isn't your fault, or something you've done to make it this way.
Of course he doesn't want a divorce either. But does he want to get sober more than get a divorce? I think the good behavior remains to be seen - or as we like to say around here - more will be revealed. Good behavior for a time often follows threats of divorce. See what happens next. But don't feel guilty for putting yourself and your kids first. They deserve a parent who is actively present in their lives, don't they?
Keep reading, keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, lsw, and I'm glad you've been getting some help from reading here. This site has been a source of so much learning and support for me; I hope it can be for you also.
Glad, too, that you have been checking out the Alanon literature. Have you gone to any meetings? I think it's a really good starting place, and sometimes you need a more "hands on" setting than an internet forum. I use both face-to-face meetings and SR for the strong points of each, and for me, it works very well.
Again, welcome, and wishing you strength and clarity as you move ahead w/your life.
Glad, too, that you have been checking out the Alanon literature. Have you gone to any meetings? I think it's a really good starting place, and sometimes you need a more "hands on" setting than an internet forum. I use both face-to-face meetings and SR for the strong points of each, and for me, it works very well.
Again, welcome, and wishing you strength and clarity as you move ahead w/your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
lsw, so sorry for your situation. I just posted a thread about the scorpion which you may find timely.
Zebras don't lose their stripes, even when they paint themselves all over with white paint. Just wait for the rain.
ShootingStar1
Zebras don't lose their stripes, even when they paint themselves all over with white paint. Just wait for the rain.
ShootingStar1
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lsw2boys, it is not like this is an impulsive decision---you describe that there has been marital unhappiness for quite some time.
Children do not benefit from living in the atmosphere of a home with active alcoholism. Adults often--usually, underestimate the effect that it has on them. Children are better off living in a peaceful home--minus the conflict and chaos--and, at least one stable parent. I believe that many people stay too long just because they feel guilty about the divorce aspect.
You must do what is in the best interest of you and your children. Of course, he would like for you to stay AND still preserve his ability to drink. He doesn't sound like he is ready for sobriety. If he isn't ready to do everything it takes to become sober (work a strong committed program), then you are, undoubtedly, in for more of the same.
It is not easy to make this type of decision and, often, there is ambivilance and fear of the future--fear of the unknown. Don't let the short-term discomfort deprive you of what is best for you all in the l onger term.
Hang in and keep posting. We understand what you are dealing with. You are not alone.
dandylion
Children do not benefit from living in the atmosphere of a home with active alcoholism. Adults often--usually, underestimate the effect that it has on them. Children are better off living in a peaceful home--minus the conflict and chaos--and, at least one stable parent. I believe that many people stay too long just because they feel guilty about the divorce aspect.
You must do what is in the best interest of you and your children. Of course, he would like for you to stay AND still preserve his ability to drink. He doesn't sound like he is ready for sobriety. If he isn't ready to do everything it takes to become sober (work a strong committed program), then you are, undoubtedly, in for more of the same.
It is not easy to make this type of decision and, often, there is ambivilance and fear of the future--fear of the unknown. Don't let the short-term discomfort deprive you of what is best for you all in the l onger term.
Hang in and keep posting. We understand what you are dealing with. You are not alone.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Alcoholics are brilliant manipulators. They can turn on the charm, the "I love you's", the good behavior when it suits them. They are good at working on our guilt, our love for them.
He didn't suddenly become a new person over night. And it is entirely likely if you continue to move forward, and he see's this tactic didnt' work, he will get ugly. It's what they do.
I agree about kids of alcoholics. Read in the forum here for adult children of alcoholics. In my Alanon group, those that grew up with the disease struggle the most in their own lives. Even when they don't have an active alcoholic in their life, the damage is done from their childhood. It is often heart breaking.
You don't have to make a decision today. But be very careful about giving ultimatums if you're not prepared to follow through. The A will learn not to listen or believe anything you say. Please get yourself to a local AlAnon meeting, you can find the list for your area online. Many have child care. It will be such a great support for you as you are faced with tough decisions. You will find yourself among friends.
He didn't suddenly become a new person over night. And it is entirely likely if you continue to move forward, and he see's this tactic didnt' work, he will get ugly. It's what they do.
I agree about kids of alcoholics. Read in the forum here for adult children of alcoholics. In my Alanon group, those that grew up with the disease struggle the most in their own lives. Even when they don't have an active alcoholic in their life, the damage is done from their childhood. It is often heart breaking.
You don't have to make a decision today. But be very careful about giving ultimatums if you're not prepared to follow through. The A will learn not to listen or believe anything you say. Please get yourself to a local AlAnon meeting, you can find the list for your area online. Many have child care. It will be such a great support for you as you are faced with tough decisions. You will find yourself among friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8
Thank you so much for the warm welcome and thoughts!! I had lunch today with an acquaintance who stressed the importance of attending Al-Anon meetings, I believe there may be a theme for the day here..lol! 
So yes, I am going to seek out some meetings!
When I told AH that I wanted a divorce, I felt more peace than I have in years, all fear left me. I realized how much I have been living my life due to the fear of the unknown and the social stigma of divorce. Really? The social stigma of divorce is worse than the whole neighborhood is aware that your house is in chaos with AH's drinking episodes and ugly behavior?! Who am I trying to kid? I, too, feel that AH is attempting to manipulate and charm me back into old ways, which in a sense is a compliment that he believes that I am going to hold true to my decision. However, I know that upon realizing I am committed to my plan he is going to come blazing!! Truly, I am ready to put myself in HP's hands at that time.
Thank you for the sticky threads, they are so helpful, sad and truthful (some very humorous!!) I am learning from your stories and experiences, I am looking forward to growing with you all. Hugs!
So yes, I am going to seek out some meetings! When I told AH that I wanted a divorce, I felt more peace than I have in years, all fear left me. I realized how much I have been living my life due to the fear of the unknown and the social stigma of divorce. Really? The social stigma of divorce is worse than the whole neighborhood is aware that your house is in chaos with AH's drinking episodes and ugly behavior?! Who am I trying to kid? I, too, feel that AH is attempting to manipulate and charm me back into old ways, which in a sense is a compliment that he believes that I am going to hold true to my decision. However, I know that upon realizing I am committed to my plan he is going to come blazing!! Truly, I am ready to put myself in HP's hands at that time.
Thank you for the sticky threads, they are so helpful, sad and truthful (some very humorous!!)
I am learning from your stories and experiences, I am looking forward to growing with you all. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
I don't know what it is, but, with my AH, I don't have to say a word. I go back and forth on the leave, don't leave, decision on an almost daily basis. Just when I have set my mind on leaving, again without saying a word to him, his demeanor changes and he turns up the charm. And, like a shoe sale, it's only for a limited time. We just have to find the strength to hold on to the fact that until sobriety, the charm can only last for so long. My situation is different in that I don't have children, I can only imagine how much harder the decision would be if I did. Hugs and welcome. You will find a world of support here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall 
I don't know what it is, but, with my AH, I don't have to say a word. I go back and forth on the leave, don't leave, decision on an almost daily basis. Just when I have set my mind on leaving, again without saying a word to him, his demeanor changes and he turns up the charm. And, like a shoe sale, it's only for a limited time. We just have to find the strength to hold on to the fact that until sobriety, the charm can only last for so long. My situation is different in that I don't have children, I can only imagine how much harder the decision would be if I did. Hugs and welcome. You will find a world of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
I am so glad you aren't going this alone.
My Alanon meeting really has provided me
a peaceful place to contemplate and share.
When and if he shows his true colors
it will be immensely helpful to you
having telephone numbers and maybe
another safe place to meet with family or Alanon members.
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