rcutch

I feel like I should title this post - I FINALLY DID IT! - but it's only day 1 and I am praying that by posting on this site that I can become accountable for my actions. I calmly packed by AH up today, loaded it in his car and asked him to leave. He insisted that he needed money. He was working, and the money was being paid to me so that he wouldn't use. I decided I didn't want to be responsible for him anymore, so I called and made arrangements for him to get his money...and he left. For the first time EVER, I did not call to make it better, I didn't text him, I simply went about my day. I allowed myself to cry when I needed to cry, and then picked myself up.

I ran into him this evening and did not even engage in conversation. Since he knew I was not home, he quickly hopped in his car and came back. According to the kids he is packing up the camper and taking it this weekend to live in and "there's nothing I can do about it". He left me a note telling me that I needed to give him the keys and make arrangements for him to get the rest of his things on Saturday. Then I could finally have the "peace" that I always say I want. Guess what....I didn't respond to any of it! He then started texting the friend I was with earlier about stupid stuff and she didn't respond either.

I'm so very tired, and want nothing more then to go to sleep - but the thoughts continue running thru my head. My oldest child leaves for her freshman year of college in 1 week and I have to figure out how to pay the bill in 3 days, and then move her. My bills are piled up because he has used all of our money and my house is scheduled for sherriff's sale in 1 month. My daughter needs a car to go to college because she is working to help pay. He has her car because his needs $2000 in repairs and is parked in my driveway. I am so angry and want to yell at him - yet I know I would be dealing with these problems whether he was here or not, so I'm just going to deal with them.

Thanks for allowing the rant. I know the journey ahead is going to be a long one and I pray that God gives me the strength to stand my ground. I prayed for so long as I read these boards that the time would come when enough was enough....and it has. I just need to remind myself daily.

terryr97

Congratulations on your beginning a new life for yourself! I understand that you have an aweful lot on your plate (my eabf left me in debt up to my ears so I understand), but you would have that with or without your AH anyway. The most important thing is you will have peace. There might be good days and bad, but try to just ride out the bad and give it time. The more days of freedom you have, the easier it gets. I'm proud of you! :-)

Ann

I'm sorry you are going through this, but whatever your problems are now, they are less than they would be with him still around.

Can you sell the other car "as is" and raise some temporary cash to see you through the transition?

Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.

pinkdog

Hi rcutch, Congratulations on choosing sobriety. Whatever is going on, sobriety will make it easier. It's awesome that you are looking at life so objectively. Really awesome. Hugs.

rcutch

Thanks for the words of encouragement. The codependent in me wants to give you all the reasons that I can't make this work. I am working very hard to not fall back into that. I don't know where I will get the money, or how I will make things work, but I do believe in an awesome God and since I know that I am finally doing the right thing, he will take care of me.

It has been an extremely emotional morning. I know that I need to ask for help regarding the entire situation, but Satan keeps telling me that I can't ask anyone because I chose this life so I am getting what I deserve. My thoughts are really no different then my AH. He is holding on to heroine and I am holding on to him - stuck in our pit. I just think I finally grabbed the rope to climb out.

terryr97

Just like my exABFs disease told him he needed heroin, my addiction to him told me I needed him but, having been apart (with some slips on my part that left me feeling more depressed when he'd let me down everytime), I've had the chance to really look at how much I had lowered my standards to be with him and it disgusts me.

You can look for help. There are many agencies out there (dept of social services, Salvation Army, Catholic Charities, churches, etc.)but there are many needy people so getting help might take a while. I would also suggest going to Alanon or Naranon so you can talk face to face with others that are in similar situations as yourself. Don't give up. You need to be an example for your kids. Good luck!

someoneswife

I admire your strength so much!!! Coming to these boards and seeing posts like this gives me such hope for my own codependent recovery. Thanks for sharing!

crazybabie

Many of us feel we can't then many of us become the little engine that could and you are showing you CAN as far as Satan well you have chosen a different life there is NO reason you can't ask for help we all need a little help sometimes you can your kids are worth it.

mermaid60

no one deserves this and God wants the best for us. Don't listent to Satan, you are valuable and you deserve to be happy.

rcutch

Update...today is Day 5. He has remained out of the house. This is the longest I have remained strong, outside of his 30 days in rehab (and he was so good he convinced them to let him out early). We went to dinner last night to discuss how we would handle the outstanding bills and our daughter leaving for college next week - or so I thought. It appears as all he wanted was for me to buy him dinner. Evening went fine - it was just the disappearing behavior today that tells me he's still using. I have the house to myself this evening, so I had a small pity party, wrote my feelings down, cried a bit - and now I'm going to watch a movie and enjoy my quiet time. I saw another post on here that asked, "What did your partner take today?" Only response I could come up with that I am sure of...my self worth, my confidence, my happiness, and my peace. None of which he actually took....I gave it to him. So I acknowledge my weak moment and will move on. Only I have the power to change my life.