jmh5

Hi there,

I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and very worried about his drinking for past 1.5 years. I started at Alanon 6 months ago and it has been very helpful. My partner and I have separated ( I said at least for 3-6 mths) and I have realised I am very worried about his mental health, he has disclosed having 'dark thoughts' when he broke up with a previous partner and never wants to go back to that place. He also told me a few weeks ago that he thought he was going to fall asleep and never wake up as he was in so much pain. He had written me a letter in case he didn't wake up. After a few days this began to sit very uncomfortably with me and I contacted him and said could he clarify what was actually going on on that night as I was really concerned. He assured me that it was just some stomach problems he had been having. I didn't push it any further - just let him now that I was really worried about what he had said, especially with him writing the letter.

I am thinking when we do finally end things I can't be holding on to that information on my own. I am not sure if he has had serious thoughts of suicide or not but I realise this is impacting on my decision to make the final call of ending things (and severing hope of us reconciling).

Over the past 6 months I have begun to tell friends and family (his and mine) how I have concerns over his drinking. The family is in a lot of denial around this (his mother is a heavy drinker also and the family is very protective of her - since her husband left after 27 years of marriage in 2007).

We have now been living separately for 8 weeks ago although he is not willing to go to AA or counselling and is avoiding having discussions about the relationship. I am now at the stage where I would like to end the relationship properly and feel that I am in a saner and honest place to make that decision.I am just really concerned about him having suicidal thought (and maybe even attempting suicide). Can anyone offer me some advice of who I should talk to an what I can say.

Thanks

Milly

Hammer

Sounds like you are being held hostage.

allysen

You said this was several weeks ago that he told you about the letter. It doesn't sound like he's actively suicidal, just having thoughts. I guess if you and him are on good speaking terms, you can express your concern and suggest he see a doctor about it if the problem gets worse. Say it once so you can sleep at night, then leave it alone. You need to keep moving forward!

skippernlilg

Hi Milly,

I just went through this with my very long-time ABF. It took me a little while to think of the safest things to do and say during our break up because I wanted to be very clear, honest, compassionate, and all those things that I am in general. My ABF has had a definite plan to commit suicide for awhile, and during our break up, it was even more difficult for him to cope. His depression and alcoholism has been feeding off itself for quite some time.

What I did was just make sure his family and friends know when they called to say "I'm sorry it didn't work out", I would answer, "I am too. I appreciate your love, concern, and compassion, and he will be needing you, too." I made it clear to the people he was staying with that he was a suicide risk. My main concern was staying physically safe from his unpredictable actions and decisions and making sure we did not walk into a bloody mess at home.

Then I let go.

Truly let go.

If he does it, he'll do it whether I talk to him or not, whether I wear green or blue, and whether I take the highway or the back roads to work in the morning. That's totally out of my control. Of course, I pray for him.

I hope that helps?

nbay2013

When I was breaking off with my XAB he threatened/implied suicide. Having actually lost two people in my life to suicide I get pretty emotional about this subject. This is what I did with my EX. I immediately contacted his two closest friends and explained the situation. I let them know that he was having an awful time accepting the separation and he was talking about suicide. I didn't not play or mess around with such a comment. I then let my Ex know I had contacted his friends and everyone was supportive of him and encouraged him to see a therapist. He became furious with me, which told me he was really doing it to get my attention and keep me engaged with him. Anyway, then I let other people step in and help and let it go.

This is really tough stuff jmh5; we are not therapists or doctors; and this kind of experience is terribly upsetting. Keep writing on this site, get a therapist for yourself if you can.

spiderqueen

Hi Milly -
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am currently extracting myself from a similar powder-keg situation. His mom and best friend now know the extent of the trouble, and they have alerted his doctors.

I was prepared to let go without this "closure", since everyone else in his life was still in denial. But they recently came to ME, and I just confirmed what they had started to fear themselves. It has been good not to feel crazy in their eyes anymore, or be blamed for his problems.

But I really was ready to step away regardless. It finally came down to my own well being and survival, and the fact that although he doesn't seem to cherish and value his life right now, I do cherish mine.
SQ