EnglishGarden

These guidelines from the book "The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection: Coping With Narcissists" by Rokelle Lerner are for anyone in a painful relationship with someone who is narcissistic, and that includes, in my opinion, all persons in active addiction whether they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or not. People in active addiction resent any expectation of equality and fairness in relationship. This alone qualifies the addict as a narcissist.

The guidelines are meant to help someone decide whether to stay or to leave a narcissistic individual. From the book, they are as follows:

--It may be time to leave when you realize that you've given your all to help your spouse and nothing has changed.
--It may be time to leave when your partner refuses to get help.
--It may be time to leave when your spouse perpetually withholds love, attention, and concern and doesn't care about your well-being.
--It may be time to leave if your spouse screams and yells at you and hurls cruel and abusive comments without remorse.
--It may be time to leave if your partner looks at others with sexual interest, states it, and/or follows through with the intent.
--It IS time to leave if your partner puts his or her hands on you in anger. Since victims of narcissists tend to have a high tolerance for abuse, let me give you some examples of physical abuse: slapping, pushing or shoving, pushing a finger into your chest to make a point, backing you up against a wall or otherwise trapping you, sexual rage, rape, or throwing things at you.
--It IS time to leave if you perpetually feel physically, mentally, and emotionally sick.
--It IS time to leave if your partner is emotionally or physically harming your children.


What I took notice of, and was glad to be reminded of, was the reference to feeling "physically sick" and "emotionally sick" with one's partner. The longtime recovering drug addict I became close to was so erratic in his behavior and personality that I found I reacted with nausea and trembling when he "transformed" into someone different than he was the day or the week before. And reading this book helped me understand that whether he was using or not (something I have never really been clear on), he behaved like a narcissist: he was resentful of having to give in relationship, and he was preoccupied with his own emotions and pretty much unaware of and uninterested in mine.

The author of the book writes that "a narcissist is able to delete people...without the slightest hesitation."

And that sure fits most drug addicts. Because when you are no longer useful to them, and when you come between them and using, you will be cut off, usually brutally.

And sometimes, that feeling of entitlement sticks with an addict, even after he stops drugging. This is why many feel that the Twelve Step program, which is about humility and service and amends, is so important in bringing the addict into a full recovery.

Just because someone puts down the needle or the pill or the pipe does not mean he or she will no longer be the center of the universe. Sometimes that script goes on, and it is up to us whether or not we choose to orbit that particular sun.

Boon44

Thank you EG...I really needed to read this today. I've been having these dreams lately about how my relationship ended with my exabf, which wasn't pretty. On your list above my ex fit many of those criteria and in the end he left me rather abruptly and painfully after 7 years, including bringing another women into his life before I ever really left so he would not be alone when the final blow came. I take responsibility for the signs I missed, and the promises I believed, but that does little to mitigate the pain, loss, hurt, anger, and betrayal I feel. I keep putting one foot in front of the other...hard some days...really hard. I try not to compare myself to this other woman but it's difficult b/c my self worth and self-esteem took such a hit. I allowed WAY to many things to go on for WAY to long and now I'm facing the consequences. How in the world do we wind up with these people? A question I'm asking myself in therapy and apparently in my dreams (nightmares) as well. Anyway, thanks for the post...it's a helpful reminder.

Ann

Great article, EG, whether it is a spouse, a partner or a needy adult child, when it's all about "them" there is no "us".

Hugs

EnglishGarden

Boon, I found that reading books about narcissists helped me greatly in letting go. For so many years of being in Al-Anon and thus connected to the recovery movement in general, the disease concept of addiction was a block for me. What I mean is that when I reflected on an alcoholic's or drug addict's behavior toward me, I could not fully protect myself, defend myself, and feel justifiable anger about being abused because deep down I was attributing his abuse to addiction. The connecting line from that rationalization was then "It's not him, it's the disease, if he gets recovery, he will be decent, he will treat me well, he will be a good partner." There was always in me deep down a belief that underneath the "disease" was a good person. And this idea of potential kept me hooked. It also prevented me from dealing with the reality of who he was in the present.

But I find extreme narcissists so repulsive in their sense of entitlement, their indifference to the needs of others, and their blame-shifting, that when I view the addicts in my life who have hurt me through this lens instead, when I see them as narcissists, I am better at finding my backbone. There is no voice deep inside me which is saying "But he's really a good person underneath the disease, he really loves me it's just that he's an addict and he can't be loving" etc etc.

When I see the narcissism for what it is, and ask myself if I want to live my life with someone so self-absorbed and self-justifying, I am able to let go the fantasy I have of who the person is "underneath." Attachment to someone's potential, as many longtimers here have said again and again, is attachment to a fantasy.

A small percentage of addicts get clean, work the Twelve Steps thoroughly, involve themselves in serious work with a counselor, and eventually treat their partners and children with respect and compassion. But it is a process of years of transformation that requires intense commitment to change, to inner work, and real courage, and since most addicts have run away all their lives from the hard things, it is not often that one has the fortitude to look within and to grow.

Until and unless this change happens, the inherent narcissism will continue. And it hurts to the core, as you are experiencing, to experience the contempt of a narcissist. When a narcissist is done with you because you bore him or because you expected mutual give and take in relationship, the narcissist will make sure you realize what a "failure" you are and will then quickly find someone to replace you. And he will use that person until he finds her "deficient" and he will blame her for all his problems and he will then replace her as well.

I hope you find the help you need in counseling, and I hope in time you will understand that your dream of having a loving relationship was not wrong. It's just that our dreams can keep us hoping that "one day he'll see what he's done and he'll change." There isn't anything wrong with having a dream of a loving union. We sometimes just have to face the reality that the person we wanted will not ever fulfill his part of it.

pravchaw

Interesting. I work in a global company and come across many narcissistic personalities, both men and women. They abound in the upper management of organizations (they have a knack of getting ahead) and do a lot of long term damage. See HBR blog here.

EG, what I am not sure about is the relationship between addiction and narcissism - are these independent disorders or does a narcissistic person more prone to addiction. I guess this is the basis of Bill Wilson's observation that, you can get a drunk horse thief sober but then you have a sober horse thief.

EnglishGarden

Pravchaw, the book I cited included reference to a study that concluded that about 50% of people with NPD are also addicts/alcoholics. So the horse thief analogy would apply to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (people who do not have the character disorder but who behave in narcissistic ways--primarily seen in their resentment of any reciprocity in relationship-- were referred to as having "narcissistic personality style"). Those who have NPD will think themselves superior to anyone who tries to counsel them.

Baloo

what does the underlined part mean?

EnglishGarden

Baloo, it means addicts resent the expectation of mutual give and take in relationship. "Reciprocity" is not a word I use often in my vocabulary--but the therapist-author used it. As any of us here who have been involved with someone in addiction know: we give and the addict takes. Many counselors advise that this needs to reverse: the addict, in recovery, must learn how to give. And the codependent, in recovery, must learn how to take.

Baloo

yea, that hits home...

OneNightAWeek

Your thoughts are interesting, but I cant see narcissism in my husband except when he breaks some level of intake on the cocaine, then it shines bright. Its all about him, his needs, what he wants, and I dont think he has any concept of me during those times. But, the rest of the time he is caring, kind, and reverts back to the man I have known for years. Im wondering if the changes in personality are more like what came first the chicken or the egg, maybe if starting drugs early in life prevents personalities from forming properly and socially. And maybe prolonged use creates the same type of thing? I know alot of people who are narcissistic in certain areas of their life, but can be generous in other ways. I guess I attributed some of it to ambition when it is involved with climbing the corporate ladder, because its almost expected.

trixie56

This post really hit home with me. My XABF went AWOL about 2 months ago, without a conversation, phone call, or anything. He did this after we'd been separated for months and he contacted me and said losing me was the "biggest mistake" of his life. He said I was the only "real" and true friend he had, as everybody else are drinking buddies (although his calls them his friends). This time around he was sober for weeks, then began getting drunk and standing me up without any apology, remorse or even acknowledgement. He suddenly became cold and distant, and spoke to me as if he resented me. The last day we were together, we had good moments mixed with him saying personal jabs and, with a smirk on his face, calling me "judgmental" about drinkers. It was so painful, and then to have him vanish as if I'm a piece of garbage...

After coming to SR after this happened, I've seen that it's more typical than I could've imagined. At the time, I thought I would be a positive thing in his life, a true friend. And, I thought he would be the same for me. It's tough, and I'm still working on trying to make sense of it all.

trixie56

When we were together the first time around, my XA was always calling me "too sensitive" or "needy" or "too serious" even when I was just saying how I felt, expressing any sort of emotion. This wore me down very quickly. I'd never been with a man who seemed to reject any sort of feeling I had (unless it was "happy"). I wondered why me making a simple comment that would mean nothing much to someone else, would prompt him to criticize me or make me out to be so emotional, when really I'm not. After one particular incident, I basically had to convince him that yes, he did hurt my feelings, I was upset, and my emotions should be taken seriously. He apologized sincerely, but even then he added: "But I didn't do it on purpose." He couldn't just accept responsibility for being wrong. At times like this, he would seem to pout and try to turn things around on me. After reading this post, I'm wondering if he was a narcissist.