Damn, I hate this feeling...again. (long stream of consciousness)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: LA, CA
Posts: 11
Damn, I hate this feeling...again. (long stream of consciousness)
First off, I'm new here and feel the need to spew for a while to get things out of my addled brain as I get started. Be forewarned, i'm gonna babble a bit.
Anyway, I'm not completely sure how i got here, to this site, and to this point in my life, but here I am. I'm 47 and have lived a life of 'responsible addiction' most of my adult life. In college I had a gambling habit - flying to vegas on a weekly basis and betting on games with a bookie nearly every day. I tell myself this was a 'responsible addiction' as I never gambled more than I could afford to lose, but I did it constantly. Shortly after receiving a christmas card from my favorite casino, the light went on and I knew it was time to stop. (the patriots making it to the super bowl and then not covering against the bears helped me get even with the book. The day after the game i told him to tear out my page and not take any action from me in the future). I haven't gambled since.
Then came coke. It didn't help that my brother had a friend who was a dealer who stayed with us and pretty much gave me piles of the stuff on a regular basis. I know this sounds crazy but I considered my daily use as 'responsible' as I managed to hide it from my friends, family and my employer for about two years. And when the dealer moved out, I stopped using and haven't thought about doing any since.
And finally, booze. I've been a social drinker my whole life. Parties on the weekends, glasses of wine when out for dinner, a beer or two after golf, etc. Only occasionally getting blotto'd at some special event. But then about 15 years ago, a woman I was dating introduced me to single malt scotch and my addictive personality found a new home.
As I write this I can't believe i've been doing this for so long now. What started as a nightly cocktail after work has slowly morphed into nearly a fifth of either scotch or irish whiskey every night - and this horrible sick feeling nearly every morning. I will in vain say this is being done 'responsibly' as I only drink at home and never drive. (I really do realize that one cannot drink that much for so long and call it responsible). The thing that bothers me the most, is that there are only a few days here and there where something happens and I think to myself, 'man, i could really use a drink'. The rest of the time, I simply do it out of habit, knowing full well I'm going to drink to excess and that I'm going to feel like crap the next day. But day after day, I find myself with bottle in hand knowing it's killing me but not really caring.
Does anyone else play the same shopping game? Luckily for my AV I live in LA. Which means lots of trader joe's and supermarkets and liquor stores nearby. I've even developed a rotation. TJ's #1 one day, then Ralph's #1 the next, then the corner liquor store the next, etc. In some stupid attempt to hide my addiction from the world.
Alas, I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like crap. Tired of making excuses why I can't visit friends at night ('cos i'd rather stay home and drink to oblivion). Tired of the guys at the various liquor stores grabbing the bottle of bushmill's off the shelf as soon as they see me walk in. Tired of finding the line in the grocery store with the new checkout person. Tired of knowing all of this and yet choosing not to stop it.
I've tried to stop before and even with some minor success (14 months). But then battled with the myth of moderation. Telling myself I had things under control so what would be the harm in just that one scotch. The harm was, that as soon as I had the one, I had the bottle, and was back on the not-so-merry-go-round.
But hopefully, this light has turned on and I can get off this horrible ride. I'm a little worried about what's to come, as I'm guessing I've got some detox fun in my future. Things at work are pretty tight and it would be a really bad time to be away for any length of time. Any detox tips would be greatly appreciated.
I've blathered on enough for now. Now it's time for action. I don't know why I think this time will be any different, other than perhaps having a forum like this to share and learn from others. If you're still reading this, thanks for your support, I'm going to need it.
Anyway, I'm not completely sure how i got here, to this site, and to this point in my life, but here I am. I'm 47 and have lived a life of 'responsible addiction' most of my adult life. In college I had a gambling habit - flying to vegas on a weekly basis and betting on games with a bookie nearly every day. I tell myself this was a 'responsible addiction' as I never gambled more than I could afford to lose, but I did it constantly. Shortly after receiving a christmas card from my favorite casino, the light went on and I knew it was time to stop. (the patriots making it to the super bowl and then not covering against the bears helped me get even with the book. The day after the game i told him to tear out my page and not take any action from me in the future). I haven't gambled since.
Then came coke. It didn't help that my brother had a friend who was a dealer who stayed with us and pretty much gave me piles of the stuff on a regular basis. I know this sounds crazy but I considered my daily use as 'responsible' as I managed to hide it from my friends, family and my employer for about two years. And when the dealer moved out, I stopped using and haven't thought about doing any since.
And finally, booze. I've been a social drinker my whole life. Parties on the weekends, glasses of wine when out for dinner, a beer or two after golf, etc. Only occasionally getting blotto'd at some special event. But then about 15 years ago, a woman I was dating introduced me to single malt scotch and my addictive personality found a new home.
As I write this I can't believe i've been doing this for so long now. What started as a nightly cocktail after work has slowly morphed into nearly a fifth of either scotch or irish whiskey every night - and this horrible sick feeling nearly every morning. I will in vain say this is being done 'responsibly' as I only drink at home and never drive. (I really do realize that one cannot drink that much for so long and call it responsible). The thing that bothers me the most, is that there are only a few days here and there where something happens and I think to myself, 'man, i could really use a drink'. The rest of the time, I simply do it out of habit, knowing full well I'm going to drink to excess and that I'm going to feel like crap the next day. But day after day, I find myself with bottle in hand knowing it's killing me but not really caring.
Does anyone else play the same shopping game? Luckily for my AV I live in LA. Which means lots of trader joe's and supermarkets and liquor stores nearby. I've even developed a rotation. TJ's #1 one day, then Ralph's #1 the next, then the corner liquor store the next, etc. In some stupid attempt to hide my addiction from the world.
Alas, I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like crap. Tired of making excuses why I can't visit friends at night ('cos i'd rather stay home and drink to oblivion). Tired of the guys at the various liquor stores grabbing the bottle of bushmill's off the shelf as soon as they see me walk in. Tired of finding the line in the grocery store with the new checkout person. Tired of knowing all of this and yet choosing not to stop it.
I've tried to stop before and even with some minor success (14 months). But then battled with the myth of moderation. Telling myself I had things under control so what would be the harm in just that one scotch. The harm was, that as soon as I had the one, I had the bottle, and was back on the not-so-merry-go-round.
But hopefully, this light has turned on and I can get off this horrible ride. I'm a little worried about what's to come, as I'm guessing I've got some detox fun in my future. Things at work are pretty tight and it would be a really bad time to be away for any length of time. Any detox tips would be greatly appreciated.
I've blathered on enough for now. Now it's time for action. I don't know why I think this time will be any different, other than perhaps having a forum like this to share and learn from others. If you're still reading this, thanks for your support, I'm going to need it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Welcome to SR.
I'm sure you'll find lots of support here,I have.
As far as detoxing while working.
It can be done,I had to do it.
My tip would be to pick a Friday to quit.That way if you have night sweats and insomnia,you'll have the weekend to help recover.
I personally went over 48 hours with no sleep.My mind was racing all night and just tossed and turned.Sweated so much I soaked the sheets and pillow.
It's different for everybody,but,that usually seems to be common the first few days of detox.
I'm sure you'll find lots of support here,I have.
As far as detoxing while working.
It can be done,I had to do it.
My tip would be to pick a Friday to quit.That way if you have night sweats and insomnia,you'll have the weekend to help recover.
I personally went over 48 hours with no sleep.My mind was racing all night and just tossed and turned.Sweated so much I soaked the sheets and pillow.
It's different for everybody,but,that usually seems to be common the first few days of detox.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome and I'm glad you found us.
It's always a good idea to talk to your dr before you detox, because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. I'm glad you understand that moderation won't work for us alcoholics. Know for sure that you can do this and we are here to offer support.
It's always a good idea to talk to your dr before you detox, because detoxing from alcohol can be dangerous. I'm glad you understand that moderation won't work for us alcoholics. Know for sure that you can do this and we are here to offer support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Originally Posted by drinkstoomuch 
Does anyone else play the same shopping game? Luckily for my AV I live in LA. Which means lots of trader joe's and supermarkets and liquor stores nearby. I've even developed a rotation. TJ's #1 one day, then Ralph's #1 the next, then the corner liquor store the next, etc. In some stupid attempt to hide my addiction from the world.
Alas, I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like crap. Tired of making excuses why I can't visit friends at night ('cos i'd rather stay home and drink to oblivion). Tired of the guys at the various liquor stores grabbing the bottle of bushmill's off the shelf as soon as they see me walk in. Tired of finding the line in the grocery store with the new checkout person. Tired of knowing all of this and yet choosing not to stop it.
I've tried to stop before and even with some minor success (14 months). But then battled with the myth of moderation. Telling myself I had things under control so what would be the harm in just that one scotch. The harm was, that as soon as I had the one, I had the bottle, and was back on the not-so-merry-go-round.
But hopefully, this light has turned on and I can get off this horrible ride. I'm a little worried about what's to come, as I'm guessing I've got some detox fun in my future. Things at work are pretty tight and it would be a really bad time to be away for any length of time. Any detox tips would be greatly appreciated.
Alas, I'm just tired. Tired of feeling like crap. Tired of making excuses why I can't visit friends at night ('cos i'd rather stay home and drink to oblivion). Tired of the guys at the various liquor stores grabbing the bottle of bushmill's off the shelf as soon as they see me walk in. Tired of finding the line in the grocery store with the new checkout person. Tired of knowing all of this and yet choosing not to stop it.
I've tried to stop before and even with some minor success (14 months). But then battled with the myth of moderation. Telling myself I had things under control so what would be the harm in just that one scotch. The harm was, that as soon as I had the one, I had the bottle, and was back on the not-so-merry-go-round.
But hopefully, this light has turned on and I can get off this horrible ride. I'm a little worried about what's to come, as I'm guessing I've got some detox fun in my future. Things at work are pretty tight and it would be a really bad time to be away for any length of time. Any detox tips would be greatly appreciated.
I decided to stop drinking because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and you sound like you really want this like most of us who come here do. I found out a long time ago that I could not moderate. I just can't. Once I pick up that first drink, I am on a binder for the entire weekend.
If you were drinking heavily every day you may want to consult with your physician regarding your detox.
Best wishes and you can do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Hi drinkstoomuch 
I know you'll find a lot of support here - and ideas for more support and changes to make this time stick
If you've been drinking for a long time, and it seems like you may have, I'd choose the Dr as the first point of call too - detox can be more than just inconvenient for some of us - it's best to be safe.
welcome aboard
D
I know you'll find a lot of support here - and ideas for more support and changes to make this time stick
If you've been drinking for a long time, and it seems like you may have, I'd choose the Dr as the first point of call too - detox can be more than just inconvenient for some of us - it's best to be safe.
welcome aboard
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head...tis dark in here!
Posts: 213
Hello drinkstoomuch and 
... I can relate to your post, especially the shopping game and looking for the new checkout girl...this is a really supportive forum with lots of encouragement...good luck with your journey
... I can relate to your post, especially the shopping game and looking for the new checkout girl...this is a really supportive forum with lots of encouragement...good luck with your journey Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: LA, CA
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by resolute50
As far as detoxing while working.
It can be done,I had to do it.
My tip would be to pick a Friday to quit.That way if you have night sweats and insomnia,you'll have the weekend to help recover.
I personally went over 48 hours with no sleep.My mind was racing all night and just tossed and turned.Sweated so much I soaked the sheets and pillow.
.
It can be done,I had to do it.
My tip would be to pick a Friday to quit.That way if you have night sweats and insomnia,you'll have the weekend to help recover.
I personally went over 48 hours with no sleep.My mind was racing all night and just tossed and turned.Sweated so much I soaked the sheets and pillow.
.
-Be well.
DTM
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I am happy that you found a place to talk. Thank you for sharing. Like everyone has said, it may be a good idea to check with your doctor. Alcohol detox can be dangerous. From what I read, it sounds like you are drinking a good amount. Your life is important, and making sure that you have a plan if things go haywire is really really good.....Like with a doctor.
Please stick around here. We are supportive and there is always someone to talk with at all hours.
Welcome to SR!
Please stick around here. We are supportive and there is always someone to talk with at all hours.
Welcome to SR!
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I can relate to the liquor store rotation. I can also relate to the advancement of one to a pint (for me) a night. It took about 10 years for me to get there. It takes hold of you and pulls you in and by the end you don't even know why you are doing it anymore. It seems compulsory. At least now you know this is all or nothing and now you know there is nothing good left for you there. That's why this time is different. See a doc for your detox and come back here for support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: north carolina
Posts: 42
I can relate to how you say that you rationalize your actions with thoughts of being "responsible." I did this too. I am still responsible - I never miss work. I am still responsible - I don't drink and drive. I am still responsible - family members outside the house don't know about this. The list went on and on. I learned in a psych. class once that the fancy term for what we are doing is called self-justification. This is so we won't experience as much guilt. It's a defense mechanism for our brains. I want to proud of myself and stop coming up with excuses. It gets exhausting!!!
Please come back. I know you can do this. You are very insightful and reflective - you seem to really want to get better for the right reasons! Hope to see you soon!
Please come back. I know you can do this. You are very insightful and reflective - you seem to really want to get better for the right reasons! Hope to see you soon!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,062
Welcome Drinkstomuch! Stick around here, there are many people who have been exactly where you are and have come through it to a better place!!
Definitely call the doc though and get some help with the detox. Maybe you'll sail through with just the regular discomfort, but truly, i would rather see you safe and prepared than sorry!!
Welcome!!
Definitely call the doc though and get some help with the detox. Maybe you'll sail through with just the regular discomfort, but truly, i would rather see you safe and prepared than sorry!!
Welcome!!
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