Newatthis34

Just had a very narrow escape down in the kitchen just now. My husband, after asking me if I want him to get some wine for dinner no less, went to the pub and left two cans of beer in the fridge. He knows I'm trying to quit for good, yet doesn't get why I don't just moderate and even said earlier 'Oh well you need alcohol to mark events' as a justification.

After he left I agonised for half an hour and really wanted those beers. I was saying to myself 'Start again tomorrow, you're only on day 3 not much to lose' etc etc. I went into the kitchen, opened a can poured it into a glass and took one sip and poured the rest down the drain. Opened the other can and emptied it staright down. Now still have a huge urge but there's nothing else in the house thankfully. I'm even regretting pouring the beer away. How f**ked-up is that? But even more effed is my husband's attitude. I think he really doesn't want me to quit. Feeling almost hysterical at the moment, don't know which way to turn

Serenity1972

Is you husband an alcoholic? If he is not, than he doesn't understand. My husband doesn't understand either, but he knows I am serious this time around and he is making an effort not to bring any booze into the house. He is a "normie" and likes to have a beer every now and then (pppfff). I am glad you decided to pour out those beers. That took a huge amount of courage. I don't think I could have done it. Way to go!

Have you tried sitting your husband down and talking to him about your alcoholism and how you are ready to quit and need his support?

ReadyAtLast

Maybe he just doesn't understand. Or he has his own problem withalcohol.In any event,he doesn't haveto understand, just respect your decision.

Have you told him you have quit?

Newatthis34

Thanks for the reply Serenity.

Yes I have spoken to him, we've had heartfelt discussions about it and he is on the surface really supportive. But I have to question why he is doing this to me - tonight was not a one-off either. He begged me to come out drinking with him last Friday on my father's anniversary to 'mark the day'. Of course I got totally drunk. Now granted I used to think he didn't have a drinking problem, mainly because I can drink him under the table (yeah great boast eh?) but am starting to re-vise my opinion.

It's difficult to try to get sober when the main person in your life is such a trigger. What to do...?

pinkdog

Hi New, congratulations for seeking sobriety. It is a much better life. That phrase "you need alcohol to mark events" really pops out at me. For me, quitting was all about changing my thinking from "I deserve a drink" to "I deserve to be sober". Alcohol is not a reward for me. It's destructive. There are many other ways to mark events and celebrate. Ways that you don't regret or feel bad about later. Hugs and love to you. You can do this. Good job pouring it down the drain.

Newatthis34

Thanks RAT, the only conclusion I can come to is that he has a problem too. Just starting to wake up to that realisation

ReadyAtLast

Pinkdog-'I deserve to be sober'-love this and it's so very true when you believe in yourself as a person and have self worth,which I never did.

newatthis-my husband also continued to drink whenI got sober and still does. He doesn't have to be a trigger.You are getting sober for you. Maybe ask yourself if there is something else that is causing you to want to drink around your husband. It's not easy but it can be done. You are in control of your sobriety-he cannot control or make you drink.

Serenity1972

I am sorry Newatthis but it does sound like he may also have a underlying alcohol addiction. I know you are in a difficult situation, but maybe you need to sit him down again and have another heart to heart. I don't know what I would do in your situation, so I can't offer any advice besides talking with him again. I guess I am just fortunate that my husband can take the alcohol or leave it.

I hope someone else can offer you better advise. It does sound like you a ready for sobriety and I wish you the best of luck.

DisplacedGRITS

Most likely, he doesn't understand what you're going through. Most normies don't. It's like asking a cat what it's like to be a dog. They exist in the same world and have a lot of similarities but they experience the world pretty differently. Probably, he left the beers in the fridge because that's where beer goes and he doesn't have the mental obsession that an alcoholic has. You know, when i go out to eat and see someone leave a half glass of spirits on the table when they leave it drives me BONKERS! For the love of God, finish that glass!

My best suggestion to you is to come up with a set of rules for both of you. When he drinks, he's not to offer you a glass. No alcohol in the fridge. you may want to invest in a mini fridge for him. It's worth your peace of mind and he won't have to give up his cold drinks.

My husband gave up the drink partially in support of me but mostly because he didn't like the consequences of his drinking so i lucked out. Still, if he were to go back, i wouldn't stop him. My alcoholism is my disease, not his. It is reasonable to expect some support from your spouse but you have to figure out what compromise works for you both. Just like in other aspects of our relationships, it comes down to working together to achieve a happy balance in your life as a couple while seeing that the individual's needs are respected.

Could your husband be rebelling against you being an alcoholic? Is he trying to keep from losing a drinking buddy? Sure! But if he's consciously sabotaging you, most likely it's because he's afraid of what you being an alcoholic means. Does it mean that you're a hopeless drunk, doomed to die from the disease? Does it mean that you're childish and irresponsible and lack self control? Does it mean that to get well you're going to have to adopt this crazy lifestyle and be on fire for God? Are you a different person now that you've got this label? We know that it doesn't mean any of those things. It's just putting a name on the face of that boogieman that has been dogging us for so long. It means we can find other people who have this disease and are recovering and learn from them. So maybe, perhaps, your husband is just scared and wants you to prove that you can drink like a lady. Once he understands that what you are doing is the only option you have besides drinking recklessly, maybe he will understand you a little better.

Anna

Try to remember, it's not about what your husband wants or doesn't want. This is about you and what you can do to take care of yourself. Get back on track and give yourself the gift of recovery.

Newatthis34

Thanks for the replies people.

Displacedgrits - I really appreciate your last paragraph. I do think it is bound to be frightening for the people in our lives when the truth is finally out there for all to see. Maybe he is in denial about my problem. But I do think that if we each continue on our respective paths we will only end further and further apart.

I do get that this is my problem, for me to solve. I wasn't trying to opt out of doing that by somehow blaming him. But it certainly isn't helpful to have him nod, listen and be supportive one day and then pressurize me to go out drinking with him the next. I think he misses his drinking buddy and is quite happy with our former lifestyle with me not agonizing about quitting and hopping on/off the wagon constantly. I just worry that if tonight was a close shave will I escape the next time? Before anyone says it yeah I know no-one can pour it down my neck but I am worried about what the future holds for us

Dee74

I agree with Anna, new - I'm sure it's upsetting and it makes things rough but in a sense it doesn't matter that your husband is leaving cans around, or even why ...

we all have to deal with alcohol.

what really matters is you have a plan in place for dealing with that.

Sounds to me like you could use more sober support?

D

wakko

My parents both died of alcoholism. Even though my mother had. cirrhosis of the liver my father continue to drink. The doctor told her that if she continued to drink she would die and she did from liver failure. He died a few years later do a heart attack compounded by alcoholism.

My wife is normal drinker but we have a dry house. I saw up close and personal the destruction alcohol causes. Today I cannot afford to put anything in front of my sobriety because without it I will follow in my parents footsteps and this world has way too much to offer for that to ever happen.

EndGameNYC

Yes.

LadyinBC

This is just my opinion. I understand that this is our problem, however, when you have a partner I always thought that being in a relationship means being supportive thru good things and bad things.

His behaviour is not being supportive and I think he knows it. It's how you choose to handle the behaviour is what is important.

When a person quits drinking it is not uncommon for the dynamics of the relationship to change. Because you are going to change.

Again this is just my opinion.

Nighthawk8820

You would be surprised how many people who should care about you will try and sabotage you in recovery. People dont like change, and they dont like when their loved ones change either............because it does a few things. 1. It makes them feel insecure about how you may view them and their problems now that you are getting stronger and trying to better yourself. Where do they fit in with the "New You"?. 2. Misery loves company, so he doesnt want to drink alone or have to examine his own behavior, so as effed up as it sounds......its better to keep you down in the trenches with him than to risk letting you fly and possibly losing you. 3. People dont like to see other succeed in areas they feel like failures in.

These are all things to watch out for when entering into recovery in regards to your friends, family, and partner. It sounds to me like you are in this on your own, as most of us are. People dont like to see you change things and succeed, and as much as that sucks, its just a fact. You can do it though, I did, and you can too.

Newatthis34

(Next day)

Thanks everyone for the sound insights and advice.

Dee you're right, I don't have much -actually scratch that, I don't have ANY - sober support. SR is the sum total of my support along with recovery books. I do not intend to go to AA for reasons I won't go into here as I don't want to initiate another debate on recovery methods. But I think I will go to see an addiction therapist to see if there is a way to clarify and consolidate my desires to be sober. All my friends are drinkers, in my small village in rural Ireland the whole social scene IS the pub. Yeah, excuses excuses I know. Just feel very isolated at the moment.

Nighthawk thanks for your input. It is the fear of change that's unsettling me and probably him too. I have been through a terrible couple of years with my beloved mother dying a slow death to cancer and my father more-or-less killing himself without her. I already have changed alot after these events. I want more out of life besides being a drunk. Now I suppose I have to make that happen and wait and see how it impacts on my marriage but so far the omens don't look good.

Dee74

Every recovery method seems to have an online presence now, new - and there's a lot more players than just AA:

here's some links to some of the main players - you might want to read through the list


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

if you're not sure about the 12 steps, I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum

D

Nuudawn

My therapist (and SR) is a huge part of my recovery. Although I did not initially start going to her due to drinking (although indirectly turns out I did), she just so happens to have 20 years of sobriety to her credit. Just wanted to chime in my 2 pennies of support on the subject.

Newatthis34

Thanks Nuu,

I went to a therapist after my mom died to try and help with the grieving process. Although at the time I felt it wasn't helping much - she asked me about all kinds of unrelated issues which I thought were irrelevant -I can see now the healing that she helped me with. I didn't discuss my alcohol addiction with her but would have no hesitation in doing so in the future. She's in the city 60 miles away and it's expensive to go there too, but at this point I think it would be money well-spent.

Dee - yes I am acquainted with the secular connections section, had a big thread going there last year. Some wise people there for sure. I guess when you said 'sober support' I thought you meant in real-life lol. Sadly tee-totallers are rare as hen's teeth in my world