thotful

I have 2 siblings that I am estranged from because of the repeated behavior of insulting me, my wife, and my marriage (she's crazy, you're brainwashed, she's altered your personality, I don't like her, she's not my favorite person, divorce is in your best interest because I know you, etc).

My DM just invited my whole Family-of-Origin (all siblings and their children) to a BBQ this saturday. She is aware of the fact that I do not want to see the 2 brothers mentioned above or their wives. I have made effort after effort to invite them to work things out, and they refuse or ignore me (they claim I'm dwelling on the past despite the fact that they repeat the behavior in the present). I do not want to see them until they can show a clear interest in having a loving/respectful relationship with my entire immediate family (myself AND my wife).

(I have an Alcoholic father, and the 2 brothers drink a lot)

I don't want us to go because it will expose me and my wife to more emotional abuse. My DM sent a mass e-mail and I don't know how to reply - do I just say something simple like "Thanks, we have other plans.", or do I go into detail like, "We will not be attending a party with so-and-so present because of such-and-such - love you all, etc."? Do I point out that boundaries have been crossed and there are consequences - Do I point out that ignoring the issue is upsetting to me - it's like my DM expects me to just ignore it completely. Like I have this pressure to just tolerate the abusive behavior and pretend like "it's just a bump in the road" - "it's behind you", or "just let it go and forget about it".

fedupbeyondall

I think personally I would just say "Thanks we have other plans" and leave it at that. I have 7 siblings and only talk to two of them on any kind of regular basis due to various reasons so I understand not wanting to go and be around them if you're just going to be miserable, insulted and so on and so forth. IMHO, stating all your reasons why you're not going just further extends the situation and drama around it. If you want to see your DM, plan another time for you and your family to get together at another time.

lillamy

Agree with fedup. You won't change anyone or anything by going into detail.

Recovering2

Just because it's a mass email, you don't have to hit "reply all". Just reply directly to your DM. Tell her thanks for the invite, but you guys already had plans for Saturday. Period. You don't owe everyone on the invite an answer, just your DM.

Boundaries are for you. You don't have to explain them to others. And it doesn't sound like anything will change if you go into big explanations, except that it may escalate the drama.

I learned a great thing in a family recovery program. The counselor taught us "No is a complete sentence." If we don't want to do something, or something makes us uncomfortable, we can just say "No". We don't owe anyone an explanation, rationalization, etc. I think of that a lot.

I would also suggest truly making some fun plan for Saturday !

NWGRITS

I love this: "No is a complete sentence." As an ACoA, I was groomed to believe that any rejection on my end required justification (that was never good enough, mind you). I'm still not truly able to tell someone no without launching into a monologue about why I'm saying no. It drives my husband nuts. "Just no would be fine, hon." Simply reply to her and tell her no, you have plans. Period. No further explanation necessary!

dandylion

thotful, It is a personal decision for you to make. Personally (for me), I would probably go and be civil to all there--and stay for a short time. My thinking is: if I wanted to see other family members--I would remember that what these two siblings think of me is none of my business. I would ignore any bad behavior (or past bad behavior) and let it roll off like water off a duck's back. I am assuming that the insults will not be flying in the first hour--if they did--I would leave.

Again, that is me. We each make our own personal decisions. For me--family is important. I would hate to isolate from an entire family because of a couple of them.

dandylion

wolfpackfan45

I see nothing wrong at all with choosing not to attend if you feel you would be uncomfortable. It may be in your bet interest not to go if you feel emotional abuse or an argument may occur if you do. I'd email with a "Thanks so much for inviting us, but unfortunately we won't be able to attend". There is no need for you to give an explanation why. I know how you feel when it comes to sibling issues like this as I have a sister I have chosen to cut ties with due to her dysfunctional and cruel behavior. My counselor has told me that there is nothing wrong in setting those boundaries ,and if I choose not to be around her in social situations because I'm uncomfortable I don't have to give an explanation why I'm not attending something within the family. It's no one's business, and often times if I say it's because of her then it comes across like I'm being hard to deal with (when the real problem lies in her behavior). Be courteous, but you can refuse.

bless5

I know how you feel. We have cut ties with most of my RAH side of the family. They are all heavy drinkers and many are raging alcoholics, one of which (my nephew) physically injured my 22yo daughter while black-out drunk. Two surgeries, metal plates and screws in her shoulder and missing three months of work and, not one of them have even call to check on her. Sometimes you have to burn some bridges to keep the crazies from following you. No explanation is necessary. Visit your mother another time and have a great weekend without the drama.

thotful

I went ahead and responded with "Thanks for the invite, but DW and I have other plans this weekend." I've definitely had feelings of going back and forth between I want to be around other family members, and the belief that some behaviors are just deal-breakers. However, I also realize that nothing stops other family members from trying to spend time with me - most of us live in the same town. They can call me - send me e-mails - ask me to dinner - ask me to a movie - It doesn't have to be a whole family affair. I simply choose to spend time with family separate from my two siblings. If they truly wanted me included more often, maybe they should consider respecting my boundaries and having smaller groups get together. I find it strange that people would be angry with me, when I'm not the one calling someone else's wife names and insulting my siblings marriage.