plat2095

From Dec 26th 2011 to June 2012, I was clean and sober and lost weight and got in shape. For some inexplicable reason, I relapsed and went back to drinking, thinking stupidly that I could drink responsibly. Needless to say, I ruined all the progress I had made and now I have reached the point where I know my drinking is affecting my health and personal relationships. I have had many close calls to the point of being downright dangerous to myself and my family. I feel like a complete and utter failure and I am trying to forgive myself and find some kind of positive thing about me. Yesterday was my first day of going sober after over a year of binge drinking. I only hope that with exercise serving as my stress reliever, and eventually getting back to eating healthier, that I can start to feel better about myself and save my own life. I have three small children and a wife that love me. My oldest daughter is severely mentally disabled and is a die hard daddy's girl. Why, oh why, has that not been a strong enough of a motivation to stop my damn drinking sooner? I don't want to get into my whole life story right now. Posting this and seeing the ugly truth that I have refused to look at for over a year is probably the toughest thing I have done. Just for the record, I am an atheist, and praying to God has not ever been of any comfort to me in my life. But, coming from a person who is notoriously anti-social, I must reach out for help after all. My family doesn't know about my addiction, and I intend to keep it that way. The only way I can keep that secret is to stay clean and sober and get my life back on track. If the wife ever knew I was closet drinking for over a year, she would divorce me in a heartbeat and I would lose my children and my home. I can't allow that. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time out to read my pathetic testimony. I have no hesitation in saying that my name is Dan and I am an alcoholic.

resolute50

Hello Dan,

Welcome to the SR forums.
Glad you found the site.There's a lot of encouragement here and folks that are going through the same thing you are.

I tried moderating my drinking after 14 months of sobriety and ended up becoming a closet drinker as well.Sadly it took me up until a few weeks ago to decide to try to quit for the last time.I found myself binging over the weekends and drinking every night.

You very much sound like you're ready to be done with drinking for good.
I found this site to be a very valuable tool to help me stay on the right path.
I'm sure it will help you also,Dan.

doggonecarl

Strong motivation helps in a lot of things. And it's a component of recovery. But motivation alone isn't the solution to alcoholic drinking.

I don't think being an atheist disqualifies you from being in AA. But if you don't want to do AA there are other ways to recovery.

Here's where I think motivation comes in...to be motivated enough about sobriety that you would do anything to attain it. That's motivated. Think about you wife and kids and get motivated!

Good luck.

AprilMae

Dan - I was sober and doing well and relapsed, too. I understand now what people were talking about 'hiding' which I hadn't done before. I went to my first AA meeting again last night and it felt great. Just to have a place to go and talk and to listen to others helps so much. I was relieved. I get it now there is no moderation, this illness never goes away, and I have to stay on top of it... and to nurture and foster close relationships with others who understand. Hang in there, go to meetings and you will feel so much better.

AprilMae

And don't worry about being an atheist.... go to AA anyway. Focus on the relationships and get the relief from being in a room where everyone understands. There is also Lifering but it is not as prevalent as AA so meetings are more difficult to come by. It's the accessibility that is key.

DylanS

Hey Dan,

RE: For some inexplicable reason, I relapsed and went back to drinking, thinking stupidly that I could drink responsibly.

I smiled when I read that. It's not inexplicable, it's not stupid thinking. It's alcoholism, it's alcoholic thinking. I just watched the Craig Ferguson vid (just posted by someone else on another thread regarding the vigilance required to get/keep sobriety) on alcoholism (pretty funny, too, if you want to take a look: Craig Ferguson Talks About Life As A Recovering Alcoholic - YouTube )

In it, Ferguson shares, at fifteen years sober, mind you, that when Guinness came out with a low cal beer he thought, '...it'd be a good idea to go on a diet....it's only 125 calories, after all, what could it hurt?' Alcoholic thinking, addictive voice...whatever one chooses to call it - it seems to be pretty prevalent.

There's a Secular Recovery board here if you are so inclined, and even a secular 12 step option, but there's also SMART, AVRT, etc.

You're not weak, you're not stupid and you're not crazy. Just an alcoholic. Some folks can get, and stay, sober on their own, without support. I can't. Only you can determine what you'll need to do it and you may not know right away. Some folks go to one AA meeting and feel like they're home. Others of us, like myself, wander around for a while and it takes trial and error; many use a blend of programs, along with counseling, etc.

AugustWest11

Dan; you are FAR from pathetic; trust me I am in a "worse" position then you .. Took that extra step your trying to avoid and am Losing my wife, house, Cats (my Kids) And I fully agree w\ Dog's comment .. I myself am not a fan of AA; but it has helped Many; so try it .. Anything to get over your hump right ?? Good Luck .. Ohh welcome to SR ...

DisplacedGRITS

Hey Dan! I'm an agnostic/atheist and i go to AA and have found some kind of peace there. You don't have to believe in God to go to AA. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Working the steps is good and that's when you look at God as you come to understand it. I like the term Higher Power. I've been ruled by a higher power all my life. As a child, it was my parents, when i went to school it was school, when i lost my HP it became alcohol. Now, i work on being of service and finding my place in the world. When left to my own devices, it is too easy for me to turn to alcohol as my HP. I have to work daily on maintaining contact with my sober Higher Power. Only that will restore me to sanity. If i go to alcohol as my HP, i am guaranteed to have my insanity restored.

Getting sober for your kids is good and noble but many of us have found that we had to desire sobriety for ourselves in all aspects of our lives. It has to be a whole body, whole psychic change. It becomes fulfilling in all kinds of ways, not just "i'm doing this because i'm sober!" You can find joy even in the mundane tasks of life because you are viewing them and experiencing them with a sober conscious mind. Welcome to SR! I hope you find the solution here.

plat2095

Thank you all so much for your responses and advice. It is comforting to just talk with people who have driven over the same rough roads I have, you know? Having read what you have all said about AA, I will put that option back on the table. For now, coming to this site and reading through the posts is a source of strength for me. Today marks 5 days sober for me. This has been the longest I have gone sober for over a year. I shudder when I look back at how much I was consuming and the fact that I was getting drunk every single day. It's nice to be able to remember clearly what I did the day before and not cringe when turning on my phone and await all the nasty text messages from people that I pissed off the day before when I decided to drunk text them. Ugh.

Nuudawn

Welcome Dan. Ugh..I don't miss looking at my phone logs hungover on the morning after seeing what I had done. I feel for ya. Congratulations on your return to sobriety. This is a great community. Although you deem yourself anti-social...you are obviously a relational being as you do have family and people to text : ) This is a great place to dip your toe in and find some support from others who have swam in the same slough. I know that connecting with others has been a huge part of my recovery. Although I am not in AA, I think its important to find support for the challenges we face learning to live again. Do what feels right for you. I know that AA was on my list I drew up on my first day of sobriety. Resources are really good to have in your back pocket when challenges come.

Linnie

Dan welcome!!! Dylan, thank you for posting that video. At the end Craig said the best way he found to get through was to find people who had similar experiences and talk to them. That's us!!! Dan, you'll find a lot of support here, best wishes and congratulations on making it through your first 5 days!

plat2095

Preparing for a birthday party for my wife tomorrow. Not sure how I'm going to handle this with being buzzed. I found the alcohol very necessary to socialize with my a-hole in-laws, as in, my father and mother in law. He's a very successful lawyer, very wealthy, an elitist, and a long time alcoholic. My brother in law is a doctor, much younger than me, and is also a heavy drinker. They will be bringing their own alcohol to consume tomorrow and I'm going to have to go into this cold stone sober. The temptation to grab some liquid courage from the store is pretty bad right now. Trying to focus on chores I need to do around here. Tomorrow is going to be my toughest test so far. Sigh.

pinkdog

Hi Dan, welcome. I read Craig's book. It was really good too. I admire him for promoting sobriety. Best to you.

wiscsober

Best to you....keep the focus on your self and you will do well.

Lando45

Welcome Dan!! This is my first week of sobriety and on SR a so far it has been great. I to have been to AA and not a fan, but I'm on the fence on going back. Your story is very similar to mine almost exactly like mine actually. So it's nice to hear there are others and from the response I get on this site it's good to know there are many others like me. I just told my 5 year old that daddy is sick and I promised him I would get better for him and his sister. I'm done for good now. The past ten years of hiding and lying have taken its toll on me and my relationships. My name is Jay and I'm an alcoholic. Day 5.

Dee74

It's not liquid courage Dan, it's liquid destruction.

Think about it - stay sober and the worst that can happen tomorrow night is you might feel a little anxious and be pretty quiet.

Drink, and who knows what the worst is that could happen if you never manage to put the bottle down again?

Living sober is a skill like anything else - we need to learn it, and that means starting off not being very good at it.

This is your life, your new life. Version 2.0.

I'd sooner start it now than a week hence or a month or a year from now Dan.

D