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Anhedonia, mood swings, self-hatred

Old 08-13-2013, 08:21 AM
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Anhedonia, mood swings, self-hatred

So I have been sober almost a week on umpteenth attempt at sobriety. I am in my second year of graduate study and I hate, I feel like no one in my program is nice or good, they all seem calculating and insecure, so I tend to stay away from them. When I left for school I was living with a girl I really loved, we had been together for years, and I was motivated to improve my self and begin a career as a teacher because I believed in my delusional, depressed brain that she loved me and we would get married one day. Of course, being an alcoholic I didn't see at the time how destructive I was and how miserable I made her. So today I leave her alone, and as long as I don't drink I don't try to call her and listen to her voice. But I do hope she finds someone that will be nice to her and treat her well, she is a great person and deserves it. Also her parents never liked me and considered me white trash because I come from a poor family, like most people on the planet.

So school started yesterday and I felt good, but now I am worried I will not be able to finish because I do not care, and I feel like I have to think and worry about my sobriety so much that I cannot concentrate on anything else. I also don't know what to do for a career, and I don't know what to do when I leave the program I am in. I feel like I should never have been admitted, and that the school used me for financial reasons my first year, because I had to pay money. So I made a huge mistake by borrowing more money and going deeper into debt, which contributed to my drinking, and then my girlfriend quit calling me, and so on.


Now I just feel lifeless. I stopped taking my anxiety meds because they made me feel like I couldn't concentrate. I had to attend a marathon training session that lasted all last week and could not find an appointment with my psychiatrist or counselor. Now today I have all this stuff to do for school and I have no energy or desire to do any of it, I just don't care. Yesterday I felt good and positive while today I feel like someone keeps running me over with a train. Luckily I have no desire to drink because it just makes my anxiety and depression worse. I'm trying to figure out what to do, and I am thinking I need to try and make an appointment with the professionals I was seeing about my problems, but school started back and I was seeing them during the summer, so I do not know if I will be able to see them this week, which means I will need to find another group of rip off artists to try and figure out why I hate being alive and why I do not feel anything at all. Maybe this has nothing to do with alcohol, I don't know. But when I get like this I drink alone. Over the past year I have relapsed in public places, because I wanted to socialize. But now I feel the urge to close all the blinds, lock all the doors, put on the chopin ballads, and just drink straight whiskey all day every day until I don't know what I am doing anymore. I will be 28 next month, and I just want to start a career and one day have a family, a wife and an adopted child or something. But if I am too mentally ill to have that I might as well just get on disability and say **** it.

I have a family history of suicide. Both grandparents on one side killed themselves, and one aunt on the other side killed herself. Both parents alcoholic. Mother epileptic, one grandmother epileptic who died in a mental asylum. I used to self injure when I get how I am now. Depression on both sides of family, and on and on. My counselor was impressed that I had gotten along in life as well as I have, but I still have no hope for the future, no hope that I will ever reach long term sobriety or feel good about myself.

I just hate myself and I don't want to any more. My school isn't helping because it is full of assholes and they are not nice or positive. Why the hell do I post stuff like this when this is a recovery website for drunks and addicts? See, I hate myself for never knowing where to go or what to do, I don't have any idea of what I am doing, and since my girlfriend left me I feel totally worthless, like less than a piece of garbage. Maybe I just need a cigarette or something. Been a couple of days without those.

Sorry for venting and complaining. I just feel like some huge shadow has eclipsed everything that used to mean something to me. Also I have been tired all day, even though I slept for a while. Just feel like I am losing my mind, and I hate my school. IN FACT, I have always hated school, but I kept going and doing it because I thought it would make other people happy. School is a terrible place. See how unstable I am? Who can teach when they hate school, what in the hell kind of sense does that make?

A part of me just wants to be a crazy, drunk redneck who doesn't care about anyone else or anything except himself, get a job as a roofer or a landscaper and drink and eventually buy a trailer out in the country somewhere and wait to die. Instead I make myself miserable every day with...whatever it is I am doing. Probably shouldn't have quit taking my anxiety meds ,but I didn't like the way they made me feel, same with the antidepressants. I just feel like the universe is against me. Sorry to bother all you fine people who have families and lives and quit drinking and go out and take on the world.

I think alcohol is the least of my problems.

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Old 08-13-2013, 08:42 AM
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Ach, you need to make concrete plans to keep up your therapist and doctor appointment, and listen to their advice about meds. Consult them as well before discontinuing meds. Your cycles of self pity seem to direcly peak when you skip appointments like you did this week again. You can break this cycle, but you need to start taking some ownership of the issues as well and do your part. Playing the victim gets you nowhere.
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Ach, you need to make concrete plans to keep up your therapist and doctor appointment, and listen to their advice about meds. Consult them as well before discontinuing meds. Your cycles of self pity seem to direcly peak when you skip appointments like you did this week again. You can break this cycle, but you need to start taking some ownership of the issues as well and do your part. Playing the victim gets you nowhere.
Amen.

Remember that old saying....."Winners never quit, and quitters never win.".

Its true.

The easiest thing in the world to do is to throw a pity party. The hardest thing to do is to simply get through yet one more day clean and sober. I choose the ladder.

I encourage you to do the same
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:50 AM
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Acheleus, you have not given the meds enough time to see if they work or not. The anti anxiety meds were helping you. Do not sabotage everything that you are working towards. What is this nonsense about working as a roofer when you have a very valuable education under you, and that education is for teaching, not roofing? Stop it A.
I think setting an appointment with the doctor needs to happen. DO not sabotage here. You are your own worst enemy Acheleus. Please take the meds. Please go back to the doctor. Please continue being sober.
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:19 AM
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Alcohol is often the least of our problems, because the alcohol is often a symptom.

It sounds like you are very unhappy with your life and unsure what direction to go in. I really hope that you talk to your dr about the depression. I don't know if you are taking antidepressants but with your family history and the way you are feeling now, they might help a lot. It's something to think about.

I agree with what Scott said. I think pointing the finger at all the other students and saying they are not nice or good is not helpful. Instead of doing that, how about taking action and trying to meet one person at school that you can relate to and talk with? You can change the course of your life if you want to.
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:22 AM
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I'm in full agreement with not skipping those meds and appointments... I believe they are vital to your well being and sobriety. I also agree that your self loathing is off the charts. You say because your gf left you, you are worthless. Well, it's asinine to put our value in the hands of another I now know an enormous part of my problem was seeking validation outside of myself. Yes, it is nice to be accepted and liked by peers but it hardly happens when we don't care about ourselves. Your ultimate responsibility here is accepting and liking yourself. What do you do that is so horrible? You have been afflicted with the dis-ease of low self worth/value that often manifests in addiction. You have no self love (acceptance of you). But why not? You are not your drunken behaviour.

You really, really, really need to work on your self acceptance. What measuring stick are you holding yourself up to? If you were to sit down and write out a list as to why you are unloveable? What would you come up with? Very little I'm sure. You are an important part of this community and people care about you....because you're a good guy. What is better than being a good guy???

Looking after you is JOB 1. There is just no other person or thing with higher priority. YOU are the most important person in your world and you need to knock yourself out looking after your best interests..always.
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:28 AM
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P.S. I'm also thinking that the quitting smoking at same time may be just too much of a tax on your problematic brain chemistry. I'm thinking you should focus on one thing at a time maybe.
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:51 AM
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A i know how you feel. Try working on acceptance and remember that the people,places, and where you are in life is right where you are suppose to be. And lastly, I have found that if I do the right actions my thoughts will follow, and usually they are hopeful and happy. It's the days when I know that I'm not facing the day like I know I could that the self-pity and lack of gratitude and acceptance comes flooding in. Good luck and keep around SR we all wish you well.
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Old 08-13-2013, 10:21 AM
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Congratulations on almost a week of sobriety. It seems that the way you perceive the people at your school as being calculating and insecure gives you a reason to not make an effort to get to know them. On what basis are you making these judgements?. You say you want to socialize so why not give yourself the chance to make friends by remaining open minded about your peers?.

From reading your posts you strike me as an articulate and able person with a lot to offer.You are going to school, remaining sober and making changes towards a positive and healthy life. However, you seem to believe that you are almost predestined to end up in the same place as the people you have mentioned in this post. If your counselor has told you they are impressed with how well you are getting along in life, you are in school working towards a career and remaining sober that should give you confidence and self belief that things will work out well.

I think speaking to your doctor and therapist regarding your medication is a good idea. It could really help you to feel a lot better. I think you really need to work on your confidence too. It seems to be at rock bottom which is a shame because you have made changes to be on a productive path by doing the right things (not drinking and working on your well being) . I think you need to start acknowledging the things you are doing right and allow yourself to feel good about these things instead of just focusing on the past mistakes or wrong things you have done which is pointless.

You say that part of you wants to be a crazy, drunk who doesn't care about anyone else. Your posts on here tell a very different story. You appear to be someone who wants to break this cycle and live a happy, successful, sober life and you are doing the right things to make that happen...you should feel hopeful and positive. Why are you worrying about the future now?. I would not be thinking too far ahead just focus on day to day and getting well. I hope you feel better. I am wishing you well.
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Old 08-13-2013, 12:22 PM
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I can't socialize because I am a damn drunk.

Nuudawn, I will smoke for six months until I can get down that much sobriety. I guess I am just lonely and I need to join a racquet ball club or something.

Why do I hate myself? Don't really know.

Antidepressants didn't work for any members of my family who suffered from depression, they make me feel crazier than I already am, lose my appetite, and stay in bed all day.

The anti-anxiety med didn't help because it made me feel even crazier than I already am.''
Sorry for the complaining guys, I am going to walk tonight and write lesson plans for my classes so I don't feel so overwhelmed. Today is just another day, and I woke up feeling bad so maybe I can wake up feeling better tomorrow. The people in my program all probably talk about me being a drunk because I am rude, mean, and vicious when I am drunk and I push people's buttons because I can sense their weaknesses. It's really bad. So I tend to isolate and I don't blame them for not wanting to spend time with an alcoholic. Thanks for the support as always. I am going to make sobriety and school my main priorities. I don't need to socialize or have a girlfriend or anything. It's just a strange day and I don't imagine tomorrow will be any better, but maybe it will.

I'm just tired of being a drunk,and yet the only time I feel happy and normal is after I have had a few drinks. But then I don't stop, and I bother people, and make them feel bad. So I am just going to be a hermit and get my work done.


I really don't know what is wrong with me, I just want to be a normal person but I don't think that is in the cards for me, also people don't want to be around a miserable person either, and I am pretty miserable all the time. It's like living in some nightmare all the time, that is how I feel.

And I do know one reason I hate myself is because of what I do when I am drunk, and yet I can't stop drinking. So thank you all and I hope my post wasn't too negative. Have a great evening and stay strong in sobriety.
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Old 08-13-2013, 12:36 PM
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Acheleus,

I am not sure what to say.

With this family history it is about time that someone broke the chain of misery – it would be a great thing to do.

Do not call your self a drunk, when you are fighting to get sober – that is not fair.
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Old 08-13-2013, 12:55 PM
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Acheleus-there are many different types of anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications available, and the professionals treating you may alter doses and combinations until they find the right match for you. That may take some time.

Trying a combination of that and some form of counselling sounds like it could be really beneficial for you.

Don't forget either that you are in the early stages of recovery, dealing with a demanding course and the break-up of a long-standing relationship.

That would stress out anybody. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to us. We will provide you with moral support, but I do feel that you should give the doctors another go.

Many of us cope with other demons once the alcohol has been removed, and we have to learn how to live life sober. It can be overwhelming I know, but there is help available if you are willing to look for it and be patient. There are no quick fixes unfortunately.

Best wishes to you x
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Old 08-13-2013, 01:49 PM
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There's some great advice here Ach. I really hope you decide to take it.

We're all normal people here - we have exactly the same problems, and dreams, and schemes and hopes as every other human being.

and we're all extraordinary too, because we deal with our other problems as well.

Living in a world where you hate yourself, your life, your future, and everyone else is not a great way to live Ach.

There is help out there. Please - use it.

D
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:31 PM
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Taking the meds. Still sober and calmer now. I will not be a quitter. Calling the health center in the morning. Thank you for the strong advice. Don't know why my head likes to make up so much stuff. I had some coffee and cigarettes while reading for an hour and it feels good to concentrate again. My half brother called and he is much older than me, so I do not know him well. We did not grow up together. But he left a message saying he was in AA and it was something we should talk about. He is 53 now I think. Maybe he can give me some insight. Being sober today feels good. People in my class today were making plans to have a few drinks and I felt so bad about not being able to go out and socialize like other people--they do not know how lucky they are.
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Old 08-13-2013, 07:35 PM
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You are the lucky one, Acheleus.
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:31 PM
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Glad to see you're feeling better, Ach. Hang in there, keep on with the anti-depression meds, even if it means having to try different ones or different doses. It WILL make a world of difference when they get that straightened out for you. It just takes a little time but it is so worth it. I know the adjustment phase is frustrating and uncomfortable but stay on the path

Try not to get too hung up on the past and past relationships. As others have said, focus on getting YOU better. You clearly have a lot to offer as both a friend and, when you're feeling better, in a relationship. Don't doubt that. But first you have to get you straightened out. It is a totally worthwhile investment

Stay strong and stay out of your head...nothing, NOTHING, good comes from obsessing about the past or things you cannot control in the future. All you have is right now.

Thinking of you and sending good wishes. ((Hugs))
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:34 PM
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You will be able to do anything you want one day Ach - but I think it's wise to me a little cautious about which invites you accept and what you do with your time for now

this is early recovery - it's not the way the rest of your life will be - anymore than our toddler years determine our adulthood.

Give it time.

D
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Acheleus View Post
So I have been sober almost a week on umpteenth attempt at sobriety. I am in my second year of graduate study and I hate, I feel like no one in my program is nice or good, they all seem calculating and insecure, so I tend to stay away from them. When I left for school I was living with a girl I really loved, we had been together for years, and I was motivated to improve my self and begin a career as a teacher because I believed in my delusional, depressed brain that she loved me and we would get married one day. Of course, being an alcoholic I didn't see at the time how destructive I was and how miserable I made her. So today I leave her alone, and as long as I don't drink I don't try to call her and listen to her voice. But I do hope she finds someone that will be nice to her and treat her well, she is a great person and deserves it. Also her parents never liked me and considered me white trash because I come from a poor family, like most people on the planet.

So school started yesterday and I felt good, but now I am worried I will not be able to finish because I do not care, and I feel like I have to think and worry about my sobriety so much that I cannot concentrate on anything else. I also don't know what to do for a career, and I don't know what to do when I leave the program I am in. I feel like I should never have been admitted, and that the school used me for financial reasons my first year, because I had to pay money. So I made a huge mistake by borrowing more money and going deeper into debt, which contributed to my drinking, and then my girlfriend quit calling me, and so on.


Now I just feel lifeless. I stopped taking my anxiety meds because they made me feel like I couldn't concentrate. I had to attend a marathon training session that lasted all last week and could not find an appointment with my psychiatrist or counselor. Now today I have all this stuff to do for school and I have no energy or desire to do any of it, I just don't care. Yesterday I felt good and positive while today I feel like someone keeps running me over with a train. Luckily I have no desire to drink because it just makes my anxiety and depression worse. I'm trying to figure out what to do, and I am thinking I need to try and make an appointment with the professionals I was seeing about my problems, but school started back and I was seeing them during the summer, so I do not know if I will be able to see them this week, which means I will need to find another group of rip off artists to try and figure out why I hate being alive and why I do not feel anything at all. Maybe this has nothing to do with alcohol, I don't know. But when I get like this I drink alone. Over the past year I have relapsed in public places, because I wanted to socialize. But now I feel the urge to close all the blinds, lock all the doors, put on the chopin ballads, and just drink straight whiskey all day every day until I don't know what I am doing anymore. I will be 28 next month, and I just want to start a career and one day have a family, a wife and an adopted child or something. But if I am too mentally ill to have that I might as well just get on disability and say **** it.

I have a family history of suicide. Both grandparents on one side killed themselves, and one aunt on the other side killed herself. Both parents alcoholic. Mother epileptic, one grandmother epileptic who died in a mental asylum. I used to self injure when I get how I am now. Depression on both sides of family, and on and on. My counselor was impressed that I had gotten along in life as well as I have, but I still have no hope for the future, no hope that I will ever reach long term sobriety or feel good about myself.

I just hate myself and I don't want to any more. My school isn't helping because it is full of assholes and they are not nice or positive. Why the hell do I post stuff like this when this is a recovery website for drunks and addicts? See, I hate myself for never knowing where to go or what to do, I don't have any idea of what I am doing, and since my girlfriend left me I feel totally worthless, like less than a piece of garbage. Maybe I just need a cigarette or something. Been a couple of days without those.

Sorry for venting and complaining. I just feel like some huge shadow has eclipsed everything that used to mean something to me. Also I have been tired all day, even though I slept for a while. Just feel like I am losing my mind, and I hate my school. IN FACT, I have always hated school, but I kept going and doing it because I thought it would make other people happy. School is a terrible place. See how unstable I am? Who can teach when they hate school, what in the hell kind of sense does that make?

A part of me just wants to be a crazy, drunk redneck who doesn't care about anyone else or anything except himself, get a job as a roofer or a landscaper and drink and eventually buy a trailer out in the country somewhere and wait to die. Instead I make myself miserable every day with...whatever it is I am doing. Probably shouldn't have quit taking my anxiety meds ,but I didn't like the way they made me feel, same with the antidepressants. I just feel like the universe is against me. Sorry to bother all you fine people who have families and lives and quit drinking and go out and take on the world.

I think alcohol is the least of my problems.


You need to get some professional help and stick with it. You make terrible choices when left to your own devices. One is going off your meds on your own, which can really make you feel low and out of control. The other is spending too much time in your own head instead of going out and enjoying your life. sobriety only works if you get something positive out of it, and that is up to you to go and do. Stop focusing SO hard on everything negative and try and get out and do something.
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Old 08-13-2013, 08:55 PM
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Acheleus... that is great your brother called and is in recovery! Glad to hear it.

But come on... redneck roofer living in a trailer wasting away? Lol! You are here on SoberRecovery working on sobriety, and teaching students while finishing up a masters degree!! You are a winner! It is plain as day

I'm so proud of you even though I've never met you You are a survivor of a crazy dysfunctional childhood, and you love good and pure things.

Don't you dare give up! And I don't believe you ever will, for that matter! One day at a time... just focus on your goals. Finishing your degree, navigating your career, meeting someone ... all that hinges on staying sober, just for today

Meds & docs/therapists need to be prioritized.
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Old 08-13-2013, 09:07 PM
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Well said Jennie! Well said.
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