choublak

As some of you already know, I have an obnoxious neighbor.

Why does not answering the doorbell seem passive-aggressive?

Argnotthisagain

Because you're used to doing what other people want from you? Like giving in to them....

Also, because you're not telling her upfront *why* you're not responding. But in this case, it's clear that she's not someone you can have a mature discussion with.

FireSprite

I don't think it's pass/agg at all... just a different way of having to define your boundaries given the situation.

AlcoholicLove

I don't think it's passive/aggressive at all.

If I don't feel like answering my phone, I don't (that's what answering machines/voice mail is for)
If I don't feel like answering my door (and am not expecting company) I don't.

As far as I know, there is no rule that says we have to do either, if we don't feel like it-whatever the reason.
My subdivision has a "No Solicitation" sign at the entrance-I have gone to the door and once I've seen they are obviously selling something-I turn and walk away.

I certainly wouldn't answer if you knew it was your neighbor....

choublak

Yeah but it's like, she can see our cars so she knows we're home.

choublak

What our neighbor is doing isn't solicitation...

Argnotthisagain

You don't need to explain yourself to her.

Are you afraid she'll get weirder if you don't "give her what she wants"? If that's so, then actually she won't be any less weird if you do allow her to win over you. If the problem is you're afraid, that is NOT easy I know--but making nicey won't help anything. Have a plan.

If the problem is more about your own difficulty standing up for yourself, then know you don't owe her anything more than, "yes sorry. Been busy." Or whatever cover words feel right.

Courtesy and nothing more owed.

FireSprite

If she was brazen enough to approach me in a "I know you were home & didn't answer the door" kind of way, I'd have ZERO problems letting her know that I don't feel obligated to answer every knock on my door unless I'm expecting company. Just because you see my car doesn't mean that I am available.

Many people work out of their homes these days, making assumptions that home=lazy/available/whatever is out of touch.

skippernlilg

I don't answer the door all the time if someone comes over without calling me first. I could be in my pajamas, working on a project, watching a movie with my son, taking a shower...there's all sorts of things I do at home that I don't want interrupted! My friends and family know not to show up unannounced. It's a boundary I have because I am a full time student who also works full time and I'm a single mom. Time is a commodity for me.

lillamy

I look through the little peek hole and if I don't feel like talking to whoever's on the other side, I don't open. It's not passive-aggressive. You're the master of your own time, and if you don't feel like wasting time talking to a nosy neighbor or a magazine sales person or a missionary, don't.

It's taken me a while to get there, though. For me, feeling obligated to answering the door bell and phone was part of my codependency: What would those people think about me if I didn't???.

The answer, I decided, is I really don't give a rat's patootie.

choublak

Well she's not soliciting.

Seren

I don't think anyone thinks she is soliciting, choublak. But just like an unwanted visit by a salesperson, an unannounced visit by anyone can be unwanted, and that's OK.

I agree with everyone here that unannounced visitors do not automatically receive a welcome in my home. If I am busy, working at my research, eating dinner with my husband, whatever, I am not obliged to answer an unexpected knock at the door. And yes, everyone can see we are home with both cars in the driveway.

IMHO, it is not wrong to have boundaries around your personal space and time.

fedupbeyondall

I don't know if just not answering the door is passive agressive. But, is staring them in the eye while I close the blinds and then acting like I'm not home passive agressive? Cause I totally do that. OAN, I wonder why I don't have many friends.

thislonelygirl

I think I needed this today. Good reminder to not care what others think.
Today is that day for me but ive had days before where I didnt feel like talking on the phone or answering the door to uninvited guests. Having a rough sad day and want to be left alone but yet feel like ive had to make others happy first.
Ive had so many people disrespect my boundaries and just show up etc

funkynassau

I dont answer the phone or door if I dont feel like it, nobody has to do that if they dont feel like it. I dont think it's passive/aggressive, just your personal choice about how to conduct your life. There's no rule about this.

choublak

It's like you feel uncomfortable around someone who's ringing your doorbell and you don't have the audacity to tell them that, so you just hide from them when they ring your doorbell. That's what seems passive aggressive.

funkynassau

Do you really need to put a label on it? I dont think that's the issue, to me the issue is you doing what works for you especially when it comes to annoying neighbours! I dont mean that to sound rude, just saying it's less important to give it a name than it is to do what works for you.

FireSprite

See, I guess this doesn't fit my definition of passive aggressive. To me it means using intentional manipulation & I don't think that's what you're doing here.

I see this more as her being aggressive and you (rightfully) defensive.

dandylion

choublak, if you are uncomfortable not answering your door--then, answer it. Deal with whatever faces you when you open the door. You will have to have the backbone to deal with it.

This is just the reality of the situation. Life is littered with these kind of daily realities.

Wish that weren't true.

dandylion

dandylion

choublak, if it were me, I would probably put up a quaranteen sign. But, that is just me....

dandylion