Tempted to write XABF a letter...but second-guessing

Old 08-12-2013, 07:15 PM
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Tempted to write XABF a letter...but second-guessing

It's been about a month and a half that my XABF and I have been NC since he stood me up for a date and vanished, without any explanation or real "breakup." This had been our second attempt at a relationship, as this time around he said he'd "changed" and "really wanted things to work out" between us. The last time we saw each other, he was pretty cold and distant, and called me "judgmental" towards himself and his friends as drinkers...I could tell he was starting to resent me, and was re-identifying himself as a drinker again. I'm only assuming this is why he vanished. Still, the silence on his end was/is so upsetting.

I've been seeing a counselor since then, and she's been really helpful. Recently, she suggested I write him a letter, telling him how I felt/feel about him, and how his actions during our relationship affected me. I wrote the letter, and it's honest, but not overly emotional. I read it to my counselor, and she thinks I should actually send it to him.nI'm not sure about this. I'm afraid at the response I might get, if it's negative. I'm afraid of no response at all. But, I'm afraid of never letting him know how I feel, and giving the impression that I don't care/it's easy for me to walk away (when it's not). My counselor said it's ultimately up to me of course, but she said that at least I wouldn't be "in limbo" anymore. If I decide send it though, she did acknowledge that I have to be ok with whatever response I do/don't get. I'm not sure which decision will be easier for me to live with...

Has anyone out there written their XA a letter and actually sent it?
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:48 PM
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I like this question as I've thought about it quite a bit. For me though I know the letter will not

1) fix things between us
2) get her to stop drinking and doing stupid stuff

In my case I feel like it wouldn't change anything and would fall on deaf ears anyhow, because what I really want is a rational person on the other end to validate my feelings. I might get an "FU", or a "your right farewell", or "other". To me these responses don't change the future and the course I have laid out, they may however bring me back to a really dark place.

IMO make peace with it yourself. What do others think?
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:49 PM
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Not him as an "ex", no. Here's my take. When its over, its over. Period. Doesn't matter how it ended. It just is, and I refuse (and am too proud) to continue any communication.

You have the option of burning the letter, or shredding it, or something symbolic instead of sending it. I agree with you in the sense that I would be afraid of a response AND afraid of not getting one too. Is it really worth that?
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:53 PM
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You are worried about him not knowing you care ... But meanwhile it seems very clear he doesn't care about you. (Or at least he cares more about drinking than you.)

Sending this letter will not make you feel any less in limbo. You're giving him the power to hurt you all over again. And your just going to have to start the healing all over again.

Even if he gives you a positive response, that will mean nothing, as he did not take the initiative.
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post
In my case I feel like it wouldn't change anything and would fall on deaf ears anyhow, because what I really want is a rational person on the other end to validate my feelings.
Great point. I think part of why I waver with this decision is because I don't know which "version" of my ex would be reading the letter. The apologetic, sympathetic "changed" ex? Or, the irrational, hostile, alcoholic ex? I'm still coming to terms with the fact that he is all those versions, and probably many more that I was spared from seeing...

Pretty risky when I think of it this way.
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Old 08-12-2013, 08:03 PM
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Totally, and let's face it, if it's anything like my end...the xagf didn't every say sorry (not that sorries mattered, went through that cycle), really try to make it work, show any real care for me. It was more me failing as her best friend by not consoling her when she lost her job...

I guess what I'm trying to say is their actions in the end also speak volumes and may help you with your decision.

AND let's be honest... isn't is a sly way to break your no contact? =P
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Old 08-12-2013, 08:31 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post

AND let's be honest... isn't is a sly way to break your no contact? =P
My thoughts exactly.

IMO, writing the letter is a great idea. Sending it is a terrible one. Like TG said, burn it, rip it into a million pieces....whatever.

You'd really be opening yourself up for disappointment & more hurt no matter how you look at it. It doesn't seem worth sabotaging your own progress like that.
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Old 08-12-2013, 09:16 PM
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After my break up with my ex--which was really abrupt and weird--we went NC. During the next few months he wrote me a couple of short emails telling me he loved me, to which I never responded.( He actually broke up with me so I felt like he was either drunk when he wrote them, or just effing with me, probably both.)

My AV started acting up a few months after that, and I used the fact I hadn't responded to his emails as an excuse to write to him. I showed the email I wrote to my friend who went through AA for a couple of years (turns out she wasn't an alcoholic-- long story) and she told me it was the healthiest I had ever sounded, but that I should NOT send it. I did it anyway.

In the letter, I told him I was as sick as he was in that I had become very addicted to trying to control his disease, and that it was wrong of me to tell his brother he had a drinking problem. I told him I was trying to work on my own recovery and to accept the toll my unhealthy relationships had taken on my life. I asked him to not send anymore of those lovey emails and wished him well.

The email I got back from him totally shocked me. Not a single thing I said got through to him. Six months of NC and he was not any closer to honest communication. If anything, he seemed even further entrenched in his denial. What shocked me the most though was ME and the fact that after six months, I STILL thought I could penetrate his disease. Letting go of trying to get through to him was (and still is) my biggest challenge.

Anyway, a week long exchange of frustrating and depressing emails followed, and I was upset and unsettled for a few weeks after that. Writing him was a mistake, kind of like a relapse for an A.

I can't figure out why your therapist thinks you should actually send the letter. I can see the benefit in writing it, but sending it is so different. Does she have experience with alcoholics? I would ask her what she thinks you would gain from sending the letter. And I suggest thinking about it. The decision doesn't have to be made right now.

HUGS
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Old 08-12-2013, 09:27 PM
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I just reread your OP.. I see that she thinks sending it might get you out of "limbo". Do you feel in limbo?
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Old 08-12-2013, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity View Post
I just reread your OP.. I see that she thinks sending it might get you out of "limbo". Do you feel in limbo?
I do feel in limbo, but I'm having trouble articulating why. It ended so abruptly and I feel like I don't for sure know why it ended, but in my heart I know it was because of alcohol. Part of me is probably wondering if he'll reappear one day and apologize, because it happened once before. I guess I thought him knowing how I felt would make me feel more able to move on somehow, because by him vanishing I felt like he robbed me of the chance to speak up for myself. But I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be sensitive to whatever I write, because he's already shown me alcohol is his priority. I mistakingly keep imagining a rational, emotionally healthy person reading the letter and giving it thought. I'm thinking that throwing my feelings out there at him will make me too vulnerable, when he's already hurt me deeply.

My counselor does have personal experience with alcoholics, but I'm not sure if letter writing has proven helpful for her or her other patients.
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Old 08-12-2013, 09:58 PM
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I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be sensitive to whatever I write, because he's already shown me alcohol is his priority. I mistakingly keep imagining a rational, emotionally healthy person reading the letter and giving it thought.
On our side of things we are also addicted to them, to the fantasy to the dream since we had such a strong emotional/brainy connection.

My X made it easy for me I guess, she jumped into someone already and is already making stupid mistakes. At least I shouldn't have to worry about being stalked and having her try to reconnect.
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Old 08-12-2013, 09:59 PM
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trixie, I think ZenMe identified it---you desire to be heard and have your feelings validated.
Isn't that a normal desire to have? I think so. I understand the feeling completely.

The problem is--wanting a normal healthy response from a person who is not willing or even able. Like the saying: "Going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread". It puts us in line for certain disappointment and heartache.

Look at it this way: He is missing out on a good thing. But, you aren't! And, you deserve better.

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Old 08-12-2013, 10:21 PM
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My XAB abruptly broke it off with me about three weeks ago. We were talking about a reconciliation and resumed an intimate relationship and then BOOM, he disappeared. I totally understand that limbo trixie, it was so abrupt I am having a hard time with "closure". He did email me some confusing stuff; about loving me, but confused, don't know..etc etc." There was so much I wanted to say, and write, and understand; but I knew I would get absolutely nothing that would make sense to me. It's been silence since. It's terribly difficult not being able to share my feelings and pain with him; I get it..but there is not going to be an "ah hah! so that is why you disappeared, now it all makes sense" moment. That is simply is not going to happen.

But I also realize that sometimes with us friends/family of addicts/alcoholics we have to be hurt over and over and over before we really get it. And we need to find out for ourselves. So, just like the alcoholic has to find out for themselves, everyone's road to surrender and acceptance is different.

So do what you need to do; and DON'T feel bad if you do send the letter. In the long run; actually mailing it might slow down your recovery but it might be something you need to do.

And we all are here for you, no matter what!

Love/hugs,

Carrie
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Old 08-13-2013, 02:04 AM
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Originally Posted by trixie56 View Post

I do feel in limbo, but I'm having trouble articulating why. It ended so abruptly and I feel like I don't for sure know why it ended, but in my heart I know it was because of alcohol. Part of me is probably wondering if he'll reappear one day and apologize, because it happened once before. I guess I thought him knowing how I felt would make me feel more able to move on somehow, because by him vanishing I felt like he robbed me of the chance to speak up for myself. But I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be sensitive to whatever I write, because he's already shown me alcohol is his priority. I mistakingly keep imagining a rational, emotionally healthy person reading the letter and giving it thought. I'm thinking that throwing my feelings out there at him will make me too vulnerable, when he's already hurt me deeply.

My counselor does have personal experience with alcoholics, but I'm not sure if letter writing has proven helpful for her or her other patients.
I can see your therapist's point to an extent. Maybe she thinks you are stuck and even getting hurt might help to move you along in recovery.

I can't say that nothing good came from writing my ex. I didn't get what I was looking for from him, but I did get a BIG reminder of how sick the man is. That part was like having a bucket of ice water thrown in my face. In a way, the shock helped me to let go of any magical thinking I had about him, and move on. The problem was, it really hurt.

Maybe you could try writing yourself two letters, pretending they are responses to your letter from him. In one, write what you would like him to say to you, and in the other write what you think he realistically would say to you. You could see how that makes you feel. Perhaps it might make things shift a bit for you.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know you probably just want closure and to move on. Real closure though can't come from an A, it has to come from changes within you. And those take time. Be gentle with yourself. He may not be able to hear you, or understand how you feel, but we can!

HUGS
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by DreamsofSerenity View Post
I can see your therapist's point to an extent. Maybe she thinks you are stuck and even getting hurt might help to move you along in recovery.

I can't say that nothing good came from writing my ex. I didn't get what I was looking for from him, but I did get a BIG reminder of how sick the man is. That part was like having a bucket of ice water thrown in my face. In a way, the shock helped me to let go of any magical thinking I had about him, and move on. The problem was, it really hurt.

Maybe you could try writing yourself two letters, pretending they are responses to your letter from him. In one, write what you would like him to say to you, and in the other write what you think he realistically would say to you. You could see how that makes you feel. Perhaps it might make things shift a bit for you.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know you probably just want closure and to move on. Real closure though can't come from an A, it has to come from changes within you. And those take time. Be gentle with yourself. He may not be able to hear you, or understand how you feel, but we can!

HUGS
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think writing myself those two letters might really be helpful. I'm definitely stuck on the two possible reactions he could have if I did send the letter. One of those reactions I believe is more likely, and it isn't the one I would want to here.

I'm feeling much better about this whole thing this morning. I'm still conflicted, but feeling less pressure than I was for the past week (pressure I was putting on myself).

Thanks again.
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by nbay2013 View Post
My XAB abruptly broke it off with me about three weeks ago. We were talking about a reconciliation and resumed an intimate relationship and then BOOM, he disappeared. I totally understand that limbo trixie, it was so abrupt I am having a hard time with "closure". He did email me some confusing stuff; about loving me, but confused, don't know..etc etc." There was so much I wanted to say, and write, and understand; but I knew I would get absolutely nothing that would make sense to me. It's been silence since. It's terribly difficult not being able to share my feelings and pain with him; I get it..but there is not going to be an "ah hah! so that is why you disappeared, now it all makes sense" moment. That is simply is not going to happen.

But I also realize that sometimes with us friends/family of addicts/alcoholics we have to be hurt over and over and over before we really get it. And we need to find out for ourselves. So, just like the alcoholic has to find out for themselves, everyone's road to surrender and acceptance is different.

So do what you need to do; and DON'T feel bad if you do send the letter. In the long run; actually mailing it might slow down your recovery but it might be something you need to do.

And we all are here for you, no matter what!

Love/hugs,

Carrie
Carrie,

I remember reading your original thread when this all first happened, I could relate to a lot of it. I know these aren't the best circumstances, but it made me feel comforted to hear your story, which was similar to mine in many ways. I can't begin to understand how someone can just VANISH from a relationship. No conversation, nothing. I realize that by my ex doing this, a conversation wouldn't have made a difference, if leaving was what he ultimately wanted. But, still....To just disappear as if nothing happened? It makes you feel as though you are hated, or that you did something unforgivable to them. If anything, this behavior just reinforced the fact that he has serious issues.

Thank you for your support!
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Old 08-13-2013, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post

You have the option of burning the letter, or shredding it, or something symbolic instead of sending it. I agree with you in the sense that I would be afraid of a response AND afraid of not getting one too. Is it really worth that?
when i broke up with mine, i had a journal to write all the nasty stuff down, i was so clouded but as time went on and i would have something come to mind, i remember that "i wrote it down" already. I realized that i said what i always wanted to say in that journal...in time., less writing...
that was almost 4 years ago...today? that journal has been burnt in the woodstove, cleared it all up in my mind...and today? i still say, "dealt with that already, NEXT!"
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